


The Other Half of My Soul

by celticheart



Series: SVU Love Stories [1]
Category: House M.D., Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2018-10-04 14:07:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 36
Words: 115,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10280390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celticheart/pseuds/celticheart
Summary: Rafael Barba has always told Alexis Rogers that she is the other half of his soul. It wasn't until she became one of the victims he has sworn to gain justice for that she finally begins to accepts the truth of those words. Story begins the night of her attack in the beginning of season 15 after Benson returns, will move forward, but also have flashbacks of their relationship.





	1. Mistaken Identity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: This chapter contains a depiction of an act of rape.

My name is Alexis Rogers and I’m a Trauma Surgeon and Chief of Emergency Medicine at Bellevue Hospital in Manhattan. I also consult with the District Attorney’s office on injuries in criminal cases. I’ve been with my long-time boyfriend, Rafael Barba, off and on for 18 years, but most recently we’ve been together steadily for the last three years. My closest friend is Detective Olivia Benson who I met probably eleven years ago when I came to work at Bellevue. Rafael transferred to the Manhattan office of the sex crimes bureau of the ADAs office the year before. Even though I’m in Rafael’s office constantly I doubt anyone but his assistant, Carmen, and the SVU ADAs Bureau Chief, Michael Cutter, realizes we’re a couple. We’ve always kept our personal and professional lives separate, with how difficult our jobs are we always thought it made life simpler. I know what people think, and yes, he can be a sarcastic and pompous asshole. But what they don’t always see is that he really cares about the victims and survivors he’s getting justice for, however in order to do his job he has to close himself off to a degree. He was a man who didn’t show emotion in front of other people easily, with me he had always been very sweet and loving, even romantic in unexpected ways. I always knew Rafael loved me, but until I became one of the victims he fought so hard to get justice for I didn’t realize the true depth of his feelings for me.

Pulling my blonde hair down out of it’s bun and shaking it out to separate the rainbow of colors I kept hidden at the hospital I walked into Raf’s dark apartment dropping my things onto the couch and turning on the lamp on the table next to it. I had a headache and was exhausted after another 24 hours in the ER. Amazingly I had the weekend off and I was very much looking forward to it. Rafael would be working most of Saturday on case files, but would at least be home with me, his mother was going to come for dinner Saturday night, and he promised we’d have Sunday free to ourselves. As I started toward the kitchen I heard a noise behind me but before I could turn completely to investigate it I was struck on the left side of the head and fell to the floor on my stomach in a daze.

“You’re not Barba. Are you his girlfriend? Wife? Lover? Does he care about you?” A familiar man’s voice said to me. I felt a fist grab my hair and pull my head up from the floor. “Answer me bitch.”

“I…I’m his…g…girlfriend…” I stammered, reaching my left hand up to the side of my head where I’d been hit. I felt a small trickle of blood. My head was pounding, ears ringing, and my vision was blurry, I couldn’t get my arms or legs to move right.

The man chuckled, “Even better. When I’m done with you tell Barba this is what he gets for ruining my life!” He pushed my head into the floor hard.

“Wha…wait? No!” I knew I was in trouble by what he said, and the voice sounded so very familiar to me, I just couldn’t figure out why. I kept trying to push my head up, but his hand went to my neck and held it down to the point I was having trouble breathing which was making my vision fuzzier.

Suddenly I felt my scrub pants being pulled down to my knees and a heavy weight holding down my hips and legs. I started struggling trying to buck the man off me. “Stop!! No, please don’t do this!” I gasped out as loudly as I could.

“Shut up bitch or I will kill you,” the man said and he struck me on the right side of the head this time then pressed the barrel of a gun to my right cheek. “Just lay here and enjoy what I’m about to give you. Whenever you hear that fucking lawyer boyfriends name or see his face I want you to remember this.”

After that I was so fuzzy headed and dizzy that while I felt my panties being ripped from my hips I couldn’t scream no like I wanted to. When I felt a knee separating my legs I couldn’t scream for help. When I felt the man ram his penis into me all I could do was cry silently. I had no idea how long it went on. I felt him thrusting into me like sandpaper and pushing me forward across the floor with the violence of it. I heard him grunting and then heard as his grunts became more erratic and he stilled over me groaning and shuddering. I felt the bile rise in the back of my throat with every thrust and the vomit trickle out of the corner of my mouth when I felt him finish inside of me. I heard his zipper after his weight left me and then his voice in my ear.

“You’re a good fuck you know that bitch. You tell Barba I said so.”

And then I felt another blow to the left side of my head before I lost consciousness.

When I woke back up there was an infernal beeping on the left side of my head that I just wanted to stop. My ears were still ringing and I could feel the room spinning like I had a wicked hangover. Both sides of my head hurt like hell and my stomach was in knots and roiling. I heard faint voices in the room with me and while I hadn’t opened my eyes yet I could tell the lights were dimmed. I knew there was an IV in my left arm at the inside bend of my elbow, which meant an IV pump was on the left side of my bed. I could also feel electrode patches on my chest with wires hanging off to the left of my shoulder which explained the damned beeping. There was a blood pressure cuff on my right arm as well. So I knew I was in the hospital. The question was which one, and how had I gotten there.

I tried opening my eyes just slightly and everything in front of me looked as though it was moving even though I was perfectly still. I thought the voices I heard were Liv and Amanda’s. “Liv?”

“Lexi?” Her soft voice came to my left side and I felt a hand move over mine.

I tried lifting my right hand to my forehead but that made me dizzy and I could feel a hot flash and a wave of nausea overcome me. “Oh god,” I croaked before I felt the bile start rising in my throat.

I felt Liv’s hands gently holding my hair back, and another hand guide my head to the right. “It’s okay honey, I’ve got the trash can here, just let it go.” Amanda’s soft voice came to me.

I threw up what was in my stomach and dry heaved another few times before I felt my stomach calm slightly. One of them handed me a cool washcloth to wipe my mouth and a small cup of water to swirl in my mouth and spit back out.

“They said you could have a few ice chips if you felt up to it but no water for now,” Liv told me.

“Okay, yeah, an ice chip would be good,” I told her as I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the pillow once more before she fed me an ice chip with a spoon like a damn baby. I was a doctor for Christ’s sake, I helped people, I didn’t need help.

“Honey, it’s okay to need help. We’re your friends,” Amanda told me. I had to admit she was extremely good at reading people.

I smiled at her as best I could to let her know I really did appreciate them, and caught they look they shared through my slitted eyes. “I guess you’re not here just as moral support are you?”

Liv spoke first, “Unfortunately no, the ER called us once you got here. They said you may have been raped?”

“Y…yes…” I heaved to my right again into the trash can that appeared in Amanda’s hands. When I was done, I held my shaking right hand over my eyes and told them everything that happened, including the fact that the man’s voice sounded eerily familiar to me. My words were slow, I had to throw up twice more, and the pounding in my head was just getting worse. The rushing sound in my ears got louder, and I was getting hot.

“Okay,” Amanda said and they shared a look again, I was fairly certain they were really confused why my attacker mentioned Rafael’s name. But I also knew what they had to do in order to move forward.

I closed my eyes, “Liv, Amanda, stop it okay. I know I’m a rape victim, and I know you need to do a rape kit. That’s fine. Don’t treat me with kid gloves, just do what you need to.”

Liv pursed her lips, and held her hands out in a calming gesture, “Okay Lexi, okay. We’ll get the nurse in here to do your kit and then hopefully we can get you something to settle your stomach.”

After my rape kit was done and the nurse walked out Fin walked in.

“Hey Doc,” he grasped my shaking right hand, “Sorry I’m here under these circumstances.”

I squeezed his hand, “You have nothing to be sorry for Fin.”

He nodded and stood at the end of the bed.

“Fin is going to stay here with you for now until we make sure you’re okay,” Liv told me.

I had put my right arm down and moved my left arm over my eyes trying to filter out the light, “Okay.”

“The nurse said they called your emergency contact and he should be here soon,” Amanda said, the way she said it made it sound more like a question than a statement.

My heart lurched, “Oh god,” I leaned to my right and dry heaved into the trash can Amanda held for me yet again. “How am I going to tell him this?”

“We’ll help you,” Amanda said softly.

“Raf is the only man I’ve ever been with…” I whispered to myself before I realized I’d verbalized my thought. Amanda must have heard me since her eyebrows winged up and she glanced to Liv.

Liv looked worried, “Lexi, if your boyfriend loves you he’s not going to blame you for this.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about Liv. He’s the last person to blame a woman for something like this. But is he going to look at me differently?” I choked out. “I’ve seen the looks men get when their wives or girlfriends tell them they were raped, or when the men hear details of the rapes. They might not blame her and while they may not want to look at her differently a lot of men do, no matter what they say. This could be the end of the best thing in my life.”

“Any man worth his stones doesn’t treat his woman different because she was raped,” Fin offered.

“Liv, what are you doing here?” I heard Raf’s voice as he came in the doorway to my room.

I felt like I was on a roller coaster that made a sudden hundred-foot drop and was thankful my hand was still over my eyes and I couldn’t see him.

“Barba, we didn’t call you…” I heard Liv’s confused voice start.

Amanda cut in, “Raf?”

“Excuse me, what did you call me?” He said sharply to Amanda, I could hear in his voice he was trying very hard to keep his anger in check. I was sure the hospital just gave him the barest minimum of information, but there wouldn’t be a reason for him to see Liv, Amanda, and Fin here together except one.

I opened my eyes and looked at him, he was still in his three-piece charcoal grey suit from court that day. His wore his normal stoic expression but his beautiful green eyes held more questions than I felt I could answer in that moment.

Amanda pointed between us, “You’re her emergency contact?

His eyebrow raised as he glared, “Obviously.”

Fin looked me in the eyes and flicked his thumb in Raf’s direction, “Barba here is worth his stones.”

With Fin’s statement I could feel my lip quivering as I looked at Rafael who had narrowed his eyes at Fin and hot tears started sliding down my cheeks. “Raf,” I choked.

He motioned his head toward the room’s door to let them know to leave the room and moved quickly towards me. Sitting on the right side of the bed he wrapped his warm strong arms around me, “Mi alma, I’m not going anywhere.” I heard feet shuffling out of the room and the door slid shut.

“I was raped Raf,” I choked into his shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

“Stop that, you didn’t do anything wrong,” he whispered into my hair.

I curled into him and started sobbing uncontrollably. The harder I sobbed the tighter he held me until I felt like I was part of him. One thing that was never obvious under his suits was how broad and muscular Rafael actually was. In those moments those strong arms of his were a simple comfort that I appreciated as I sobbed until I felt like my head would explode. He sat there with his cheek on top of my head very slightly rocking me and didn’t say a word. When the sobs finally stopped and I was left snuffling Raf leaned back from me slightly and took my face in between his hands.

“Lexi look at me,” he instructed softly.

My eyes raised to his slowly and when my blue met his green all I saw in his eyes was love. Not loathing, not disgust, not blame. Just love. I brought my shaking hands up to his and held his wrists.

“Te amo, I always have, and I always will. This does not change who you are or how I feel about you. Get those thoughts out of your head,” he told me in a firm but gentle voice as he kissed my forehead then the tip of my nose and then lightly kissed my lips.

I nodded and pulled my lips between my teeth as I stammered, “I…I k…know. And I l…love y…you too Raf.”

He pushed the hair that had fallen over my eyes out of my face, smiling briefly as the rainbow of colors fell through his fingers. “You are the strongest and most beautiful woman I have ever known. Vamos a pasar por esto juntos.” We will get through this together. I knew he was upset, he mixed English with Spanish whenever he was.

I tried to nod but that made the room spin faster and my stomach heave, “Oh god,” I leaned to my right and somehow Raf knew to grab the trash can and hold it up for me. At some point in my constant throwing up someone had changed the bag so it at least didn’t smell like vomit in the room.

“Hermosa did they give you something for the nausea?” He asked quietly as he stood up to dim the lights a little more and crack the door of my room so the others would know it was okay to come back in.

“Y…yes. But I was h…hit in the h…head three times,” I started. “I’m s…sure I have a concussion.”

“And a skull fracture,” I heard a familiar voice say as the door slid open some more.

“Dr. Rosenthal,” I croaked, now I knew for sure I was in Bellevue. He was my colleague, why did he have to see me like this?

He told me I had a hairline fracture essentially above my left ear, no bleeds on my brain, and a mild to moderate concussion. They were going to admit me for at least 2 days to make sure I didn’t crash. After doing all of his neuro checks my head started to spin again and he told me he’d have the nurse get me another med for the dizziness which should also calm the nausea. I lost my cool when he asked how I was feeling though. I’d never felt worse in my entire life and there were just too many people asking question and seeing me vulnerable right in that moment.

Liv and Amanda walked back in then.

“Ah…Barba, can I talk to you a minute?” Liv asked.

I felt him kiss my right temple gently, “I’ll be back mi alma.”

I heard the door to my room slide open and closed again when Liv and Raf walked out and the nurse brought in a bunch of meds. The world was starting to calm down for me at least a little bit.

“What does mi alma mean?” Amanda’s voice said to my left after a few minutes.

I smiled in spite of myself, “My soul.” I thought back to the first time he called me that nearly 18 years ago, it was after our first time together, my first time ever. “He’s told me since we met that I was the other half of his soul, even when we weren’t together we were always drawn to each other.”

I could picture her thoughtful expression as she considered that, “Huh, that’s sweet. He doesn’t exactly seem like the romantic type.”

“He’s actually the kindest hearted man I know. Raf doesn’t show his feelings well, or easily. Even to me, and we’ve been together off and on for 18 years,” I told her.

“Why Raf?” She asked.

She was getting deep, but she was my friend and I was relieved I could finally talk to her and Liv about my relationship. But in this case this answer involved some jealousy on my part, I gritted my teeth as I answered. “I’m the only person in his life that’s ever called him that. Yelina used to call him Rafi and I just couldn’t be like her. I called him Rafi in the very start of our relationship, but we broke up for a time and he went back to her, and after that I couldn’t any longer. I felt like I couldn’t compete with her, and I didn’t want him to have any reminders of her in our relationship.” Crap this was actually choking me up even though it was ancient history.

Amanda was quiet, “I realize I’ve only known about y’all for a few hours, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man look more in love than he does with you.”

I chuckled, “Thanks Amanda. Every once in a while, Alex will come up and Yelina gets mentioned and I still doubt myself.” I quietly admitted.

“Why are you talking about Yelina?” I heard Raf’s voice, I didn’t even hear the door open.

“It was my fault Barba, I asked her why she calls you Raf,” Amanda told him.

Ever the mediator Liv cut in before Raf could snap, “Lexi, we’re going to follow up with CSU and get your rape kit to the lab. We’ll keep you posted but you know how to reach us if you think of anything else. Fin will be here until morning, and a uni will be here during the day tomorrow. At least until we know if this is an isolated threat.”

“Okay, thank you Liv.” I felt her grasp my right hand.

Amanda spoke next and touched my left arm, “You know you can call me.”

That was just the beginning of my months long nightmare that lasted until my attacker’s trial ended and he went back to jail. Fin was right, Raf was ‘worth his stones’ as he put it. He never treated me differently and never once made me feel ashamed of myself or like he was ashamed of me. Somehow, he stayed strong for me even when I screamed at him, beat my fists into his chest and cried, or acted angry at the world. I knew at some point he broke down and talked to his mother and Liv about what I was going through and the pain he felt for what happened to me and how he felt he failed me. And I knew how lucky I was that Rafael Barba was the man who loved me, because I’m not sure I would have made it through as well as I did were it not for his strength of character and his belief in me and us.


	2. ID

A few weeks after my attack Liv called me to see if I could do what she called a voice line up. I was still on medical leave from the hospital and had just started seeing Liv’s therapist Dr. Lindstrom. I knew he had helped her after William Lewis kidnapped her, and despite not wanting to admit it I knew I needed help too. Overall most of my concussion symptoms were gone but the fracture was still healing. The blows I’d suffered caused bone deep bruising and the left side of my face above my ear and surrounding my eye was still a deep angry purple. It would be at least another few weeks, maybe longer, before I could return to work at the hospital, which gave Raf and I time to look for a new place that was ours. Prior to my attack we hadn’t actually lived together, and afterwards I just couldn’t go back to his place so we stayed at mine which was further from his office. After some soul searching we realized it didn’t make sense to live apart anymore, and Raf admitted he had been resistant to our living together because he thought that might put me at risk. He carried a lot of guilt over that when he recognized hiding our relationship didn’t protect either of us. What neither of us realized was that my attacker actually knew us both.

It was February and still quite cold, so I put on a pair of dark wash skinny jeans, knee high black boots with silver buckles up the outsides, and a long baggy blush colored cable knit sweater. I had just changed the rainbow coloring in the bottom half of my hair that morning to a mix of lavender, light blue, and rose and left it down around my shoulders in long waves. I put on my emerald swing pea coat, matching purple and green hat and scarf, and grabbed my purse. Before I headed downstairs to where Liv was waiting to take me back to the station I looked in the bathroom mirror and pulled my hat down over the left side of my face.

When I got to the car Liv smiled when she caught sight of me, and motioned me in. I hopped in quickly and smiled back at her. We chatted about menial things while she drove us back to the station, I knew she was trying to calm my nerves and I wondered if Rafael was going to be there when I had to listen to the tape. I looked out of the passenger side window for what felt like an eternity when we reached the station but finally steeled my courage and followed Liv inside.

Raf was standing in front of a board that had multiple pictures on it and he was talking to Amanda, and Nick Amaro. I pulled my hat lower to cover as much of the left side of my face as I could.

As soon as Raf saw me walking in with Liv he smiled when he noticed my hair framing my shoulders and held out his left hand keeping his right inside his pants pocket. I took it and moved into him placing my forehead on his shoulder. He was wearing his chocolate brown pinstriped suit that I loved with a cornflower blue tie. “Mi alma, your hair is beautiful.” He whispered in my ear. 

I smiled against his shoulder, “You say that every time.”

He smirked and laughed quietly, “Only because it’s true.” His hand moved to the small of my back and nudged me to turn around.

I turned to face everyone and saw Nick’s expression was stunned. Liv just looked amused.

“Do you have that tape for me to listen to?” I asked her as I removed my coat and scarf and laid them over a chair near Raf who had his moved his left hand back into his pocket, dropped his chin to his chest, and was following me with his eyes. 

“Yeah, we’re just waiting for Cutter and defense counsel to show up,” she told me.

I cut my eyes to Raf, “Mike?”

His expression turned apologetic, “I am sorry Lexi, but I can’t prosecute your case. It would be a conflict since I’m intimately involved with you.” I noted Nick’s eyebrows wing up to his forehead. “I asked Cutter to do it since I know you trust him.”

“And I told him I’d make sure the man that hurt you goes away for a very long time,” I heard Mike’s clear sharp voice behind me.

I turned and found him standing next to one of the desks, his briefcase on top still grasped in his fist which was leaning on the desk. I smiled tightly at him. “Hi Mike,” I said quietly and looked into his clear blue eyes which didn’t reflect any pity, only his ever-present conviction to gain justice.

“Lexi,” he nodded, “You ready?”

“As I’ll ever be,” I told him and followed him to one of the interrogation rooms. Glancing behind me I saw Raf still watching me. I knew he wanted to be with me, and I also knew why he couldn’t.

Liv followed us into the room with a recorder and stood at the head of the table on my right side. I sat down on the side of the table facing the door with Mike next to me on my left. It wasn’t long before the defense attorney, John Buchanan, walked in.

“Alright everyone, let’s get this farce over with,” he set his briefcase down next to his chair and sat down.

“Counselor, kindly keep your comments to yourself while Dr. Rogers is present,” Mike told him sharply and leaned forward on the table with his hands in front of him fingers laced together.

“Yes of course,” he waved Mike off.

Liv set the recorder down and looked at me, “You’re going to hear 6 men repeat a phrase you indicated your attacker said to you. Each one will be preceded with my voice announcing their line up number. If you hear the man you heard the night of your attack just tell us his number once all six are done.”

I pulled my lips between my teeth and nodded. 

“Miss Rogers you have to answer verbally,” Counselor Buchanan told me.

“That’s Dr. Rogers,” Mike snapped at him.

Sucking in a wavering breath I responded, “Okay, play the tape.”

Liv pushed the play button and I heard her clear voice say, “Number one,” and then a man I didn’t recognize say, “Just lay here and enjoy what I’m about to give you.”

I didn’t expect to hear that particular phrase and it made my stomach jump, but I kept my hands folded in my lap and a straight face as best I could. Neither Mike nor Liv reached out to comfort me for fear that Buchanan would claim they tainted my ID but Mike watched my face the entire time. Though I was sure this was more formality than anything since I knew if I was here listening to voices the DNA in my rape kit came back with a match to someone on the tape whom Buchanan was surely representing.

When I heard suspect number five my heart started to hammer in my chest and I felt the room closing in on me. It was him and suddenly I knew why his voice was familiar. “It’s number five.” I dropped my hands to the seat of the chair between my legs and clenched my thighs over them to keep myself from rocking.

“Let the tape play to the end,” Mike told me gently.

I listened to number six and I emphasized again that it was number five. Buchanan handed Mike a blue wrapped motion to suppress my voice ID and left. I was gripping my hands together so hard my fingers had gone numb and I was starting to hyperventilate.

“Lexi, deep slow breaths, come on, it’s okay, he’s not here,” I heard Liv telling me. She understood to a degree what I was feeling.

I was shaking my head, “You don’t understand, I finally realized why his voice sounded familiar to me that night. His name is Thomas Burlew, he’s the father of one of my patients. I can’t do this to his little girl. I can’t do this.”

I got up and started pacing the room and just kept repeating the same thing over and over. My hands were gripping my upper arms tightly and I was shaking my head.

Mike was calmly sitting at the table with his arms crossed over his chest watching me until I stopped and looked at him.

He held my gaze and said clearly and confidently, “You can and you will. You deserve justice just like his daughter deserved a doctor who could treat her injuries and bring her through them. It’s not your fault that he did what he did to you. Just like it isn’t Barba’s fault that he was put away for armed robbery. Those things are all on him.”

“You already knew?” I looked between the two of them.

“Of course Lexi. That’s why we did the voice line up. As soon as the DNA came back I looked into Barba’s old cases and found him. And we checked his connection to you,” Mike told me calmly.

My ears were ringing and I was feeling hot again. I ran out of the room, past Raf and the other detectives who shouted at me to stop, and outside into the cold air where I bent over breathing hard and sucking in the cold crisp air. It wasn’t long before I felt Raf’s arms circle me and pull me back into his chest where I started sobbing.

“Was he on the tape?” He asked quietly.

“Yes, but it’s not just that. He’s the father of one of my patients’,” I choked out.

I could hear him draw in a sharp breath. “Dios mío. Mataré al hijo de puta.” My God. I’ll kill the fucker.

I leaned my head back to his right shoulder and closed my eyes as the tears continued to fall. My breathing was ragged and I was feeling violated again and like I was in an impossible situation. If I moved forward with this a little girl who needed her father was going to lose him if he went to jail for what he did to me.

“Mi alma, let’s go back inside, you’re shivering.”

He was right, I’d gone from hot to cold quickly, and I was shaking, not just from being upset. I wiped the tears from my face and turned to him,“Okay, yeah. Good idea.”

We walked back into the squad room with his arm around my waist and when we reached the board I found him at earlier Raf put my coat back around my shoulders. 

Nick was looking back and forth between Rafael and I, “You’re with him?”

I closed my eyes and snickered, “Off and on for 18 years. I told you I already had a hot-headed Cuban at home.”

Raf’s eyebrow shot up at that, “When was this?”

“A few years ago, before you transferred over here. Liv and I were at Flannery’s and he offered to buy me a drink and I told him he was too young for me and that I had you at home,” I smiled back at Raf and leaned into him.

“Uh huh,” he shook his head and snarked at Nick, “We’ll discuss that later Amaro.”

“Nothing to discuss Barba,” Nick told him with a smile and put his hands up as if to surrender, “She turned me down cold. I haven’t tried since.”

Mike had walked up while Rafael and Nick were talking and he was looking at me with a thoughtful expression. It was actually beginning to make me uncomfortable and I quirked my right eyebrow at him.

He gestured to my hat covering my bruises, “May I?”

I dropped my eyes and motioned for him to go ahead. 

He reached his right index finger up and gently moved the knitted stitches away from my eye. Pursing his lips he shook his head and dropped his hand. “Christ.”

“It’s going to take another few weeks for it to really start fading, I was hit twice and hard enough to crack my skull here,” I motioned to the area where the fracture was.

“I know this sounds callous but I wish I could get this in front of a jury now before it faded. Pictures just aren’t the same,” he said, his blue eyes flashing.

Rafael gave him a sharp look but wisely kept his mouth shut.

I looked around, everyone appeared angry, but I actually understood where Mike was coming from. It was time to change the subject, “How’s Connie?”

At that he smiled and it lit his eyes, “She’s good, we’re actually getting married later this year.”

My heart clenched hearing that, I was happy for them, but sad that I’d never share that with Rafael. I smiled warmly at him, and reached out to hug him before thinking about what I was doing. “Congratulations Mike. Tell Connie I said so too.” He didn’t return the hug, likely not wanting to make me uncomfortable, he simply reached his right hand up to my left shoulder and squeezed slightly. I stepped back and smiled at him, “You’d better make sure Raf and I get an invitation.”

He nodded and gave Rafael a sidelong glance before picking up his briefcase and walking out of the squad room.

I reached up and pulled my hat down a little more over my left eye, and looked up at Raf. He tilted his head to the side and gave me a quizzical look. The man was smart, he had to know what I was thinking but this wasn’t the time or place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there hasn't been a lot of Alexis/Barba yet, it's coming. Next chapter will mostly be just them with a flashback to an earlier point in their relationship.


	3. Mi alma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains flashback smut from Harvard.

It had been a week since I'd been at the station for the voice line up. I was healing physically but emotionally I felt broken. Dr. Lindstrom kept reassuring me that was perfectly normal, and while I knew it was it still felt wrong. I was a doctor, I helped people, I just wasn't supposed to need help. I had always been strong minded, stubborn even, and according to Rafael annoyingly independant. Unfortunately, that was a by-product of the fact that I'd literally been on my own since I was 15. I grew up on a small farm in Iowa, the fourth daughter in a line of ten children, to parents who didn't know how to handle my intellect. When the school would suggest jumping me ahead a grade my parents automatically agreed and when I graduated high school at 15 and was offered a full scholarship to Harvard they jumped at the chance to lessen their load. I hadn't looked back since and had little to no contact with my family. They perceived me as a golden parachute, not their child, so I grew up fast in a world that ate kids like me up. I was lucky back then that I didn’t become a statistic.

I'd seen Dr. Lindstrom that morning, and was feeling restless. I needed something to do. I couldn't go back to work, still wasn't cleared to drive myself, and wasn't at all comfortable getting into a car with someone I didn't know. So, I decided to start packing up things in my apartment that we didn't need every day. My extra bedroom was an office/library of sorts that both Rafael and I used. There were law and medical books mixed together in the bookshelves amongst Kurt Vonnegut, Tom Wolfe, and Terry Brooks. Framed pictures from various points in our lives were scattered in as well. I had photo albums and pictures in boxes tucked under the bed and a few year books as well. Rafael's mother, Lucia, had sent me home from dinner one night about a week before my attack with a box of pictures she had collected over the years. It was looking through those pictures that had set me on the nostalgic path I was travelling.

There were so many of Rafael and I at Harvard and the years since. I had no idea a lot of them existed. But Lucia always had a camera in her hand taking pictures of every little thing when we visited her or when she visited Raf at Harvard. I was running my fingers along the lines of Rafael's face in one when Raf walked into the room startling me.

He smirked as he looked around at the pictures and albums scattered around the floor, "I thought you were packing not spreading our lives across the apartment."

I looked up at him. His stance was more casual and relaxed than he normally carried himself while in the public eye, his tie was currently loose and his dark blue suit jacket was missing leaving him in his vest. "Hey Raf." I tilted my face up to him as he leaned down and kissed me lightly while pulling a tendril of my hair around the fingers of his left hand to play with it. He always had his hands in my hair, whether it was as simple as just running his fingers through it while working on a file, playing with it as he was now, or holding it in a moment of passion. Rafael had a thing about my hair. I smiled at him and motioned him to sit on the floor with me. He did, with one knee bent up and the other leg crossed in front of him, he leaned back with his left arm behind my back. Close but not touching me. He had yet to treat me any differently than he did before but he was more overt in making sure I knew every contact he had with me was always within my control.

He reached out a long finger to touch the picture I was holding. “I remember that day, Mami came to visit me and it was the first time you’d met her. You were so nervous you couldn’t remember your name and she insisted on calling you cabeza tonta all day.” In the picture Raf had a mischievious look on his face, he was looking away from the camera over my head, and I was laughing with my head leaned into his chest.

“She still calls me silly head to this day,” I smiled at the memory. Rafael had started to introduce me to Lucia when I interjected telling him I was an independent woman and could introduce myself. After that I just kept saying ‘My name is…ahhh…” over and over until she smiled and took my hand and told me she’d just call me cabeza tonta. I adored her from that moment on.

He chuckled, “Actually I think she calls you doctor cabeza tonta now.”

I rolled my eyes at him and set the picture I was holding down before turning back to look at him. “You’re not normally home during the day Raf, what’s up?”

He flicked his eyebrows and gave me a speculative look, “Well, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

My stomach started to knot up, I had a feeling this was coming, the discussion as to why our relationship had to end. “Okay Raf, just do it and go. I know what this is.”

“What are you talking about Lexi?”

“You’re ending things because I’m damaged, I’m broken,” I told him chewing on my lower lip.

He scrubbed his right hand over his face and looked me in the eyes, “Alexis Grace Rogers I love you, I am not going anywhere.”

“You’re going to hate me eventually Raf, I can’t meet your needs. I let myself be raped, I didn’t stop it. I…”

He took a deep breath while I started my tirade and held up a hand for me to stop. I just looked at him. “Lexi, stop that right now. In no way was what happened to you your fault. You didn’t choose to be raped, and you didn’t let it happen. Nothing you did or didn’t do was wrong at all. I don’t blame you, I don’t hate you, I’m not ashamed of you, I don’t love you any less. And I don’t want anybody else.”

My heart was racing, I kept convincing myself that at some point Raf would leave because it was too hard. Before this happened we had a very healthy sex life, he was good, REALLY good, and I missed that part of our lives. But I still wasn’t completely physically healed there, I’d had some significant tearing both internally and externally, and I hadn’t been cleared for sex yet. I worried that even after I was he wouldn’t want me like he used to. He could be with another woman where this wasn’t an issue and wouldn’t that be the fairest thing to him? We’d already had this conversation a few times and as with everything else Dr. Lindstrom told me that what I was feeling was completely normal.

I huffed and looked away from him, “It would be easier for you,” I said quietly.

“Lexi look at me.” He was quiet until I turned my head back to face him again. “I love you with all of my heart and soul. If I don’t have you my soul dies. I told you before you left the hospital we will get through this together. I don’t want anyone else,” he told me in his serious tone that told me he wasn’t arguing anymore.

You say that now, I thought to myself.

He stood and held his hand out to me. I looked at it for a second and placed my smaller hand in his watching as his long fingers wrapped around my hand and he pulled me to my feet. He curled his right index finger under my chin and lifted it until my eyes met his. “I’m going to put my arms around you and hold you. I want you to remember all the times before this that you felt safe with me and knew I loved you because that hasn’t changed.” His voice was firm but gentle and I knew he meant every word.

I snickered as he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into him, I lifted my arms and held onto him and did remember how safe and loved I had always felt in his arms.

_February 1994, Harvard off campus student housing_

_It was midnight and I woke up to a scratching sound at my bedroom window. There had been reports of break ins in student housing and campus security was warning all of us to be especially careful since some of the break ins had occurred at night when students were home. I scooted back out of my bed and crawled through my bedroom door, standing up and running to my front door and outside in the cold air. All I was wearing was a pink tank top the same color as the pink in my hair, and a small pair of shorts that barely covered my ass cheeks. It was probably 30 degrees outside and my nipples probably would have cut glass. Knocking on Rafael’s apartment door I bounced from foot to foot with my arms covering my chest. The door swung inward faster than I was expecting and it threw me off balance into Rafael’s arms._

_“Rafi,” I said into his bare chest, he was only wearing a pair of baggy running shorts that showed off the v of his abdominal muscles. We had known each other since he started law school 2 years before and had been dating just under a year. I’d never seen him this undressed and it was making my hoo ha tingle._

_“Lexi, what are you doing outside at midnight?” He asked and pulled me into his apartment. When he realized just what I was wearing and saw my chest I saw the flicker of a grin pass his features._

_“I heard a scratching at my bedroom window and got scared.” I told him crossing my arms over my chest again._

_“Stay here,” he told me and walked out of his apartment. I could hear him moving around mine and a few minutes later he returned chuckling and shaking his head. “It was just a tree branch from that old oak in the courtyard.”_

_I didn’t care, it had scared me half to death._

_He was looking at me with his green eyes twinkling and an amused smile plastered on his face, “Do you want to stay here with me tonight?”_

_I looked at him under my lashes and nodded, that wasn’t the only thing I wanted in that moment._

_He closed his front door and locked it and grabbed my hand leading me back to his bedroom where he lifted the comforter on his bed to let me slide in and he laid down next to me so we were facing each other. His hand reached out and his long fingers grazed my cheek._

_I smiled at him, “At least I finally got you into bed with me.”_

_His eyes darkened, “Lexi you didn’t need to scare yourself to get me into bed with you. I told you I could wait until you were ready.” I’d told him right after we started dating that I was a virgin and wasn’t ready for sex yet. He’d never pressured me, and anytime I told him I wasn’t comfortable with something he always stopped and never once made me feel bad about it._

_“Rafi I’m ready,” I told him seriously._

_His eyes widened, “Are you absolutely sure?”_

_I nodded, I’d lost my words._

_His expression turned serious, “You have to speak the words Lexi.”_

_“I want you to make love to me Rafi,” I told him as I reached my hand to the hardness in his shorts._

_His hips jumped back just slightly when I felt him, “Okay! Hold on a minute, you start touching me and it won’t last long. That’s not at all fair to you. Just remember you can tell me to stop at any point and I will.”_

_“What are you…” I started but then I felt his long fingers tugging at my shorts, which were really boyshort underwear. I lifted my hips as he pulled them down my legs under the comforter and I kicked them off at the bottom of the mattress. I hesitated just a second before yanking off my tank top._

_Watching me he lifted the comforter slightly, “Can I?”_

_I knew what he wanted, permission to expose me to his eyes. “Yes.” I licked my lips as he lifted the comforter away from my body._

_“Dios mio, you’re beautiful,” he breathed as he backed himself down to the bottom of the bed and lifted my right leg over his shoulder._

_I felt his tongue on me and gripped the sheets in my hands, this was a new sensation. My eyes were wide watching Rafi’s head move between my legs and suddenly I felt a tightening where his tongue was and my thighs started to shake. My eyes rolled to the back of my head and I heard myself moan his name as my first orgasm hit me hard and I arched my back up off the_ _bed. Rafi’s tongue left me and I felt him kiss my inner thighs while my entire body shook from the sheer pleasure of what he had just done. Opening my eyes I saw him smiling at me, not the smug kind of smile guys get when they think they’ve dominated a woman, it was a smile I couldn’t place at that time._

_He stood from the bed and moved over to his nightstand where he pulled a foil packet out of the drawer and tossed it next to me on the bed. Watching me he tilted his head as he reached down to the waistband of his shorts, “I have to ask again, are you sure Lexi?”_

_I’d never wanted anything more in my life, “I want you inside of me Rafi, I want to be yours.”_

_He didn’t waste any time in shucking his shorts, opening the condom, and rolling it down on himself. My eyes were a little wide, he was larger than I’d anticipated he’d be, and I wasn’t sure I could take him. I opened my thighs to him as he settled between them and he placed his hands on either side of my face and kissed my lips. I could taste myself on him and somehow that made me wetter than I was already. As he kissed me I felt him start to slip inside of me, a little at a time. He’d rock his hips back, slide in a little more, and rock back again. It wasn’t long before he reached the barrier that we both knew would cause me some pain, and he moved as slowly as he could to ease his passage. With how wet he’d gotten me with his tongue and how much wetter I was from him being inside me I felt a small sting but not much else and before long he was completely inside of me._

_“Mi alma, you’re going to drive me crazy with how tight and wet you are. Dios mio, I’ve never felt anything better in my life,” he told me and I could feel him shaking trying to maintain his control so he wouldn’t hurt me._

_I kissed him then and told him I was okay and I wanted to feel him lose control just like I’d lost control for him. I lifted my legs and wrapped them around his waist and I could see his eyes darken with desire. When he thrust I lifted my hips to meet him and it wasn’t long before I started feeling the same tightening I did earlier and heard him curse in Spanish. His thrusts started to grow erratic and the tightening became more and more intense until he was shouting my name and I was moaning his. He dropped his head to my shoulder and kissed my neck._

_He slipped out of me and stood up, “Give me a sec.” I watched his nicely toned ass as he walked to the bathroom to rid himself of the condom and clean himself up. When he came back he was carrying a wet washcloth that he handed me. “You’ll get sticky and uncomfortable,” he explained._

_I took the washcloth which was warm and cleaned myself up and handed it back to him, he tossed it into the hamper by his door before crawling back into the bed with me._

_Pulling me back into him he kissed the top of my head and wrapped his arms around me._

_“Mi alma?” I asked him, it was something I’d never heard him call me._

_“It means my soul,” he told me quietly. It was a while before he spoke again. “I’ve had this feeling since we met that you were the other half of my soul and I was finally whole. It’s like I’m drawn to you.”_

_I smiled because I knew the day I met him that he was the man I’d spend the rest of my life with, “I feel the same Rafi.”_

Present day

I shook my head out of it’s memory fog and looked at Raf who was holding me at arms length with an amused smile on his face. “I was wondering where you went,” he said quietly.

I smiled and looked up at him from under my lashes, “I was thinking back to when you called me ‘Mi alma’ the first time.”

That same smile from my memory returned to his face and I was able to recognize it for what it was now. It was the smile Raf wore when he knew he’d made me happy because that really was the most important thing to him.

“I mean those words now as much as I ever have Lexi, I need you to believe that,” he told me while running his hands up and down the outsides of my arms.

“I know Raf, and I do. I’m just feeling broken right now,” I told him seriously. “What was it you wanted to talk to me about anyway?”

He gave me a look that told me he didn’t really appreciate the abrupt change in subject but he led me by the hand out to the living room where we sat on the couch and he opened his briefcase that was sitting next to it. Pulling a sheet of paper out of it he handed me what appeared to be a sales listing for a brownstone on the Upper West Side. I looked at him with a puzzled expression on my face.

Sucking in a breath he rubbed his forehead before clasping his hands together and looking at me, “We talked about this, I was stupid to think that not living together protected you. I thought if I kept my feelings for you out of my professional life and didn’t have any formal connection to you that if anyone threatened me they wouldn’t get to you, couldn’t find you. I was so wrong about that and a lot of other things. If we’re going to look for a place that’s ours then let’s buy a place that we can make our permanent home.”

I was stunned and happy at the same time, but he held a hand up before I could answer.

“I want you to know that I am not asking out of guilt, I’m asking because this is genuinely what I want to do,” he told me.

My heart was happy at hearing that, Raf never lied to me, he was never insincere, and he never did anything because he felt he had to. I knew before he said it that he was suggesting this because he really wanted to buy this brownstone with me. “Okay Raf, let’s look at it.”

He nodded and pulled his cell phone out to call the realtor he got the listing from. I couldn’t help but think that while my attack was not only the worst thing that ever happened to me it might have been the catalyst for some of the best things as well. But the road to recovery and happiness would continue to be bumpy and difficult for some time to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next few chapters probably won't be posted until the weekend. But Cutter will return in them and there will be some backstory on Liv and Lexi's friendship. I'll also being moving the story into cannon starting around October Surprise.


	4. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized as I was writing that I had kind of screwed up the timeline, and I really do want to use October Surprise, so we're going to pretend that some episodes of season 14 happened after Benson was kidnapped by Lewis. Once we get past October Surprise it will follow the same timeline again.  
> And I do realize Liv might seem somewhat OOC, but really we don't get to see much of her away from the squad and cases so I wrote her as I thought she might be with a close friend outside of the squad.

Four weeks after Rafael showed me the listing for the brownstone we had closed on it, had both apartments packed up and moved into it, and were working on unpacking and combining everything we’d collected over the years into one larger house. During those same four weeks, my body had healed and my doctor had cleared me to return to work at the hospital…and for sex when I was ready. I’d discussed that with Dr. Lindstrom who told me that it was likely my mind would take some time to catch up to my body and that was okay. I still felt inadequate and like less of a woman but Rafael continued to remind me how much he loved me and that my rape wasn’t my fault.

Raf was tied up at the DA’s office working on the Bart Ganzel case. Liv’s boyfriend, Brian Cassidy, was set to testify soon and Raf was having a hard time properly prepping him. Brian was a sweetheart but he rubbed Raf the wrong way at times. Now that Liv and the squad knew about us we were able to socialize with them together outside of work, primarily Liv and Brian. It was Friday and Raf had spent most of the day prepping Brian for his testimony that coming Monday which was when I was set to return to a 12-hour ER shift at the hospital. Dr. Robert Hammond, The Chief of Staff for Bellevue, had specifically forbidden me to come back immediately working the 24 to 48 hours shifts I did before my attack. After some friendly but heated arguing we agreed on 12 hour shifts every other day for 2 weeks to start and then he would reconsider extending my ER shifts as well as putting me back on trauma surgery rotation. Bob would have been happy if I just administratively managed my department like so many other department heads did but he knew that would never fly with me.

Liv had suggested I take self-defense classes with her to which I’d finally agreed and despite my initial reservations I was actually glad I had. I was fit. I ran with Raf, did yoga at home and in classes when I could, and used an elliptical at the hospital gym frequently. But if I were to be completely honest with myself the self-defense classes would help me regain my confidence in myself. Since Liv was working that Sunday she had the day off and had convinced me to finally take my first class and have a girl’s day of sorts. After class we came back to the brownstone to unpack the kitchen while we waited for Brian and Raf to get there. We were supposed to make dinner which was why we were focusing on the kitchen but we were nearly done with a bottle of wine between us and not getting much of anything productive done.

“How many coffee makers do you need Lexi?” Liv laughed as she unpacked the fifth one and set it on the kitchen counter.

I gestured with my wine glass to the other 4 sitting next to it, “Would you believe they’re all Rafael’s?”

She snorted at that revelation, “I’m not at all surprised. I don’t know how the man sleeps with as much coffee as he drinks.” She took a drink of her wine as she moved to another box. “Does he talk a mile a minute even when he’s not hopped up on caffeine?”

Laughing I nodded, “He’s always had a motor mouth, but he’s really not one for unnecessary words. Everything he says seems to have a point.”

“And he makes sure to get it across too,” she quipped. “He can be difficult to take at times.”

I tilted my head to the side and gave her a speculative look, “You have to know he means well in everything he does. It might not always seem like it but he cares more than you realize.”

She started pulling dishes out of the box and handing them to me. I looked at the cabinets in front of me, found the one I wanted, and started putting the dishes away as she passed them to me. It was a few minutes before she spoke again.

“Since I’ve been at SVU I’ve never worked with an ADA who I really believed in until Barba,” she told me quietly and gave me a serious look. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked with some good ADA’s, but Barba…well, he fights hard even when he knows he might not be able to win.”

I was taking a sip of my wine when she said that and snorted it up my nose by accident. I laughed as I coughed and my nose burned, tears rolled down my face, and Liv looked at me like I was absolutely crazy. “You realize you’re the exact same way?”

She spluttered, “I am not.”

“Bull Liv, you’re like a dog with a bone when you think someone needs your help,” I told her. “Do you remember when we met?”

Her eyebrow quirked up as she thought and swallowed some of her wine, “Yeah, Flannery’s, what? About eleven years ago? I’d been at SVU for about 4 years then.”

“Yeah, I was there after an ER shift. I was pissed because a drunk guy had gotten a little too handsy while I was trying to assess his wounds and was bemoaning the stupidity of men. You offered to go back and arrest him for…what was it you said?”

She started laughing, “First degree assholism.”

“First degree assholism, that was it. And you would have done it too if I hadn’t of stopped you.” I was laughing right along with her and it felt good.

We heard the front door open and Raf and Brian walked it, when we saw them we both started laughing even harder. Raf just shook his head but when Brian saw the wine in our hands he chuckled and looked at Raf.

“I told you we should have picked up a pizza Barba.”

Raf rolled his eyes and went to the drawer I had put all of our takeout menus in. Riffling through them he pulled one out and shoved it towards Brian, “Here. No anchovies.”

Brian took the menu and walked off to call in our order for dinner.

I finger waved at Raf and smiled, “There’s my handsome ADA.”

He narrowed one of his eyes and looked at me with a half-smile on his face, “Are you drunk?”

Shaking my head I flicked a thumb back toward Liv, “Nope, but she is.”

“Hey!” She exclaimed, “I am not.”

Raf walked out of the room shaking his head and talking to himself under his breath.

Brian walked back in, “Pizza will be here in 30. Did you two manage to get anything done today?” He looked around the kitchen his eyes nearly bugging out of his head when he saw all the coffee makers.

“I took my first self-defense class today,” I told him picking some imaginary lint off my tank top. I was barefoot and still in my black yoga pants, hot pink sports bra, and teal tank top. Liv was similarly dressed, but in more subdued colors. I thought the pink and teal clashed nicely with the colors in my hair.

He looked at me as he got a beer from the fridge, neither Raf nor I drank the stuff, but we kept it in the fridge for him and our other friends who did. “Good for you,” he reached out and clasped my shoulder awkwardly before dropping it away from me again.

Brian had gotten better with sexual assault victims over the years but he was still uncomfortable with how to interact with them properly. He knew in general what happened to me, but the only ones I’d actually told the graphic details to were Liv and Amanda. I still hadn’t talked to Raf about it and I wasn’t sure when or if I would. He could have read my report, but he hadn’t, he felt like if I wanted him to know the details I’d tell him myself. I was already dreading the day after my return to work. Because of the time I needed to heal and the fact that they wanted to collect all possible evidence before indicting, my case wasn’t going to the grand jury until the next Thursday, which meant Tuesday I’d be meeting with Mike to discuss my case and go over my grand jury testimony. Raf said he would be there with me if I wanted him to be, but it was up to me. He understood that these were details I might not want him to hear yet if at all.

Raf walked back out into the kitchen wearing a pair of low hung faded jeans and a dark grey Henley, he was also barefoot. Liv looked extremely surprised to see him so dressed down, but it was his normal casual wear at home. I think for the first time she was seeing him for the man he really was, not just the cold-hearted prosecutor he often seemed to be. Since Liv and I hadn’t finished unpacking the kitchen and the dining room was still in disarray we ate the pizza in the living room off of paper plates that came with it, and laughed, and talked for a few hours before Brian and Liv headed back to their own apartment. I cleaned up the trash, and laid down on the couch with my head in Raf’s lap while he worked through some of his case files.

He was running his hand through my hair and I could feel my eyes growing heavy. When I woke up I was laying in my bed and there were arms around me and a hardness pressed into the cleft of my butt cheeks. I started thrashing and screaming ‘No, please, not again,’ before I rolled off the bed and onto the floor scooting myself back into the wall, wrapping my arms around my knees, and rocking back and forth with my eyes closed.

“LEXI!” I heard Raf’s voice in front of me, less than a foot away.

I opened my eyes and saw Rafael crouched in front of me, shirt off, legs clad in a pair of gray flannel pants. His eyes were worried and his left hand was hovering in the air midway to touching me. I jumped back away from him, “Don’t touch me!”

He sat back onto the floor with his hands held up in front of him to show me he wasn’t a threat. After a few seconds, he dropped his arms, crossing them over his bent knee, and he just waited.

I was blubbering, there wasn’t any other way to describe the sound of my crying in that moment. It felt like it went on endlessly and all I wanted was to feel comfortable enough to let Rafael hold me but I just wasn’t. When I was calm enough to speak coherently I decided I had to tell him enough for him to understand what just happened.

“He hit me here…” I pointed to where my fracture was on the left side of my head above my ear. “It stunned me and I fell to the floor on my stomach. He held my neck down and when I tried to struggle and get him off me he hit me on the right side of my face and held a gun to my cheek.” I was gesturing and looking everywhere in the room but at him, if there was disgust in his eyes I couldn’t bear to see it. “When he ripped my panties off and shoved himself inside of me I was so dizzy and out of sorts that I couldn’t do anything. It felt like a roll of sandpaper being shoved inside of me over and over.” I drew in a shuddering breath and sobbed, “When he was done he hit me here…” I gestured to the fracture site again, “…and I lost consciousness. I don’t know how long I was out but I woke up briefly and was able to crawl to the phone and call for help before I lost consciousness again. The next time I woke up I was in the hospital and Liv and Amanda were there.” I’d dropped my eyes to the floor in front of me and still couldn’t look at him.

He was quiet for a long moment and I was so afraid he was trying to figure out how to tell me he just couldn’t handle it anymore. “Lexi, please look at me.”

I looked up and could see tears in his beautiful green eyes, “I am so sorry I wasn’t there, I am so sorry this happened to you.” He was pursing his lips as he spoke and I could see the words weren’t coming as easy to him as words normally did. “All I want to do is make things right for you and I don’t how to do that. I know I can’t fix this, but I want to do something. I need…” He rubbed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, “I need you to know that I love you, I will always love you. You’re safe with me. Please, please Lexi, don’t shut me out.”

We looked at each other, blinking away tears, lips pressed together trying to keep ourselves from crying, and didn’t move.

“Lexi, I would really like to hold you,” he told me quietly.

I didn’t say anything as I moved forward into his lap and we wrapped our arms around each other and both cried silently.

“I think this was my fault,” he said into my hair, he was running his hands through the colored ends again.

“What do you mean?”

He pulled back from me slightly and put his hands on my upper arms as he looked me in the eyes, “I was asleep too, I can’t help my body’s physiological reaction to you when I’m not consciously aware of it. I was hard…but when you started screaming and I woke up and realized what probably happened…I’m sorry Lexi.”

My mouth was agape, “You still want me?”

Rafael actually looked confused, he blinked a few times as if he was trying to understand what I was asking, before answering slowly and deliberately, “Why wouldn’t I Lexi?”

“Because I’m damaged.”

He shook his head, “Short of my physical death there’s nothing that could ever happen to make me stop wanting you. I always have, and I always will.”

“I’m not ready to resume that part of our lives yet Raf. I want to be but I’m just not,” I told him quietly. “What if you lose patience.”

Rafael snickered at that, “I know I’m not always a patient man Lexi, but you know very well this is one aspect of our lives that I’ll never push you into. When you’re ready you’re ready, I can wait.”

Despite my constant struggles with telling myself eventually he’d get tired of waiting and move on to someone else I knew what he was telling me was the truth. Even though he was almost always in control in the bedroom I knew that I was really the one in control. If I ever said stop he would no questions asked, and no hard feelings over it. Though it had been many years since things were that awkward for us in the bedroom that I wasn’t comfortable with something, I knew that was still the case. He was never the kind of man to manipulate a woman or force her into something she didn’t want. Though he didn’t talk about it much I think much of that had to do with his very conscious decision to be a better man than his father who had brutalized both him and his mother for many years while Rafael was growing up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been waffling on peppering in some of Barba's POV. I think it will help develop his character in this story better, but thought I'd ask for reader opinion?


	5. Rafael's Epiphany

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter of Barba's POV. Starts the week after Lexi's attack.

***Barba’s POV***

About a week after Lexi was raped I had to go back to my apartment to get some of her things as well as mine. It was the first time I’d been back there since she was attacked and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. Since we had gotten back together three years ago we’d always spent more time at my apartment than we ever did hers because it was closer to my office. She spent so much of her downtime from the hospital in my office with me it made the most sense when we were ready to go home just to go to mine. I kept a few suits and essentials at her place for the rare occasion we stayed there but a lot of her things had migrated into my closet and drawers. There was so much of her there that I was wondering why I was always so insistent that we couldn’t live together.

The crime scene tape was still over the door when I got there. I hadn’t expected that and could feel my blood pressure rising as I looked at it. Ripping it down I threw it to the floor in a fit of non-productive rage. I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and started counting to ten while tapping my keys in my hand.

“Barba?” I heard Liv’s voice.

I tilted my head toward the sound of her voice and opened one eye while cursing under my breath in Spanish. While I knew she spoke some Spanish it did make me feel a little better to know that I wasn’t being so crude in front of her in a language I knew for sure she understood.

Her eyebrow raised in amusement, “Need a hand?”

I chewed the inside of my bottom lip and scowled at her, “Not really but I don’t suppose that matters does it?”

“Nope,” She said, popping the p for emphasis. “I can get Lexi’s stuff while you get what you need,” she told me and walked up to stand beside me.

I just shook my head and unlocked the door. Pushing it inward I flipped the light switch and looked around the foyer. Nothing there, but I knew she was between the living room and kitchen when she was attacked. Walking quickly, I started into the living room before I stopped short.

“Uh Barba I don’t think…”

There were two blood stains on the carpet in front of me. I’m not a violent man, but I didn’t think when I saw those stains. I turned to my right and rammed my left fist into the wall next to me and said a few things I normally wouldn’t have said with Liv standing there. Shaking my hand out I looked back to Liv who was wearing a stunned look.

“What?” I asked in a caustic tone.

She didn’t say anything and went into the kitchen. I heard the freezer open and some riffling as I walked back to my bedroom. A minute later she followed carrying a bag of peas.

“Most people don’t keep frozen peas,” she motioned to my hand with them.

Sighing a little melodramatically I accepted the bag and put it on my reddened knuckles pressing the bag into my chest so I could use my left hand, “Lexi uses them in her Shepperd’s Pie when she can’t get fresh.”

“How adorably domestic,” she said, her smile looked a little too amused.

I narrowed my eyes at her and started to say something acerbic but then realized I was feeling defensive for no real reason and calmed myself down. I kept myself so closed off for work that it was hard to open myself up to anyone other than Lexi. This was Liv, she was Lexi’s closest friend, and she was my friend too. There wasn’t a deceitful bone in her body and I knew she meant well.

“I’m not a robot Liv,” I told her as I dug my garment bag out of the closet and handed her Lexi’s bright pink duffle.

She snorted, “She really seems to love bright colors doesn’t she?”

I looked around the closet, most of Lexi’s clothes were brightly colored. Then again I had a number of bright colored dress shirts, ties, and socks too.

“And I know you’re not a robot Rafael,” she gave me a pointed look, she’d only used my first name a handful of times. “It’s just hard to reconcile domestic you with the ADA I know.”

That made me chuckle, “Yeah, well I’m not an asshole twenty-four-seven.”

She pointed at the dresser, silently asking where Lexi’s things were kept. I pointed her in the right direction and she started opening drawers and moving lace and satin and cotton into the duffle she held. “I’m beginning to realize you’re not an asshole at all,” she told me with her back facing me.

“I’m slipping then,” I quipped and gathered several of my suits into the garment back before retrieving my own duffle bag to start packing up other clothes and items I knew I’d need at Lexi’s place.

Stopping what she was doing she turned to look at me. “You don’t get it. After Lewis kidnapped me everyone has treated me like I was fragile, all of the men in my life treated me like I was broken. Cragen, Munch, Fin, Nick, even Brian. You didn’t. You treated me like you always have, gave me space when I needed it, but I didn’t feel like you were looking at me like some fragile glass flower.”

I’d stopped what I was doing to listen to her, I felt like she had something significant to say.

“You’ve worked in sex crimes for several years so you know all the right things to say. You know what to tell the boyfriends, husbands, and fathers to do and what they shouldn’t do. But Barba, it’s not just that you know those things, you actually do and say the right things because it’s an integral part of who you are. You’re honest and you work hard for what’s right, you don’t take the easy way out just because you can. I’ve never seen you victim blame or slut shame, and you have treated every victim with respect, even when they fuck up their case. Lexi is going to be fine not only because she’s strong but because you are.”

I took a deep breath and shook my head, “Liv, this is different. This is the woman I love. I may know what I’m supposed to do or say, but I am human. I do have emotions. And I have no idea how to handle this or if what I’m doing is right.”

“I know, and that’s okay,” she told me with a small smile playing on her lips.

I nodded sharply and we went back to what we were doing. She finished packing up what Lexi would likely need over the next several weeks and I gathered what I thought I’d need. I wasn’t sure when I’d go back there. The blood stains on the carpet had shaken me. Almost like they drove home how real this was.

The next day I had called Cutter and told him what happened and asked for him to handle Lexi’s case. I knew I couldn’t, I was too conflicted, and she knew Mike from having consulted several years for him as well. He didn’t hesitate in agreeing to prosecute Lexi’s case but told me I had to stay out of it and let him handle it his way. But he promised he’d put the guy that hurt her away for a long time. If it meant having an ADA I actually trusted and respected fighting for Lexi I’d stay out of it as much as I could.

It was less than a week later when a DNA match came back to Thomas Burlew and I vaguely remembered him from several years ago. I’d prosecuted him for armed robbery and forcible touching and he had been sentenced to five years at Riker’s. Since Lexi said she recognized her attackers voice, on a hunch Amanda researched Lexi’s prior patients. While Burlew himself never was, Amanda did discover that he had a 13-year-old daughter who at the age of seven had been hit by a car while on her bike and sustained life threatening injuries. Lexi was her Trauma Surgeon and had quite literally saved her life. Burlew robbed a check cashing store to help pay for his daughter’s medical bills and fondled one of the female employee’s while she was putting cash into a bag for him. While his desire to pay for his daughter’s medical expenses was laudable it didn’t excuse what he did. He had just gotten out of Riker’s after serving his full sentence a month before he raped Lexi. And the day after the DNA match came back she voice ID’d him.

A few days later I was in my office when my mother showed up. She came into my office and closed the door. Great.

“Mijo, you can’t even call your mother?” She asked dropping her purse on the couch next to the door and walked over to where I was sitting behind my desk with my feet propped on top of it.

I dropped my feet to the floor and stood to hug her and kiss her cheek, “I’ve been busy Mami.” I waved her into one of the chairs in front of my desk and sat back down.

She raised an eyebrow, “You’re always busy Rafi. How is Lexi?”

I really didn’t want to talk to my mother about this right now. “She has good days and bad.”

“Perfectly normal,” she said, giving me a pointed look she sat down.

“I know that Mom. What’s the point here?” I asked a little sharper than I meant to.

She exhaled noisily and looked at me squarely in the eyes, “You are not your father Rafi.”

I dropped the pen I was twirling in my hand and turned slightly away from her, “I’m well aware of that Mami.”

“So why do you still keep her at arm’s length? I know you say you two wanted to keep your personal and professional lives separate, and I can respect that. But after eighteen years on and off and on again you never asked her to marry you and you aren’t living together. Is this about Yelina?”

“What? No!” I was shocked she’d even think that.

“Okay, then tell me Rafi what is it? She’s not Catholic. Who cares? She’s not Cuban. Who cares? She makes you happy and you love her. That’s what matters. All these degrees of separation only serve to alienate her when you don’t mean to.”

I wasn’t sure I understood what she was getting at. My mother had a tendency to talk in circles. “Mami, I can’t think about this right now. I have to be in court in…” Looking at my watch I realized I needed to go, “Now.” I motioned her up and went to my coat rack to retrieve my vest and suit jacket which I quickly put on and buttoned, grabbing my briefcase I looked at her again, “I promise you when Lexi is feeling up to company we will come see you.”

She picked up her purse and placed a hand on each of my cheeks, “Good because I miss my Mija.”

I rolled my eyes at her, hugged her again, told her I loved her, and rushed out the door calling to Carmen that I’d be back after arraignments that afternoon.

While I rushed over to the Superior Court building I thought about what my mother had said. My only conscious reasons for never asking Lexi to marry me or live with me was because I thought not having a formal connection to me protected her. Thinking back on colleagues, judges, cops, and a multitude of other people that I knew who had families that excuse really didn’t make sense in the grand scheme of things. If a criminal wanted to find your family in order to get to you they would whether you kept them hidden or not. The more I thought about it the more I realized this really was more about Alfredo, my father, and my mother somehow knew that. Growing up my smart mouth always got me into trouble, I could take the repercussions of that, I had no one to blame but myself after all. But my father found any excuse to drink and hurt my mother, both mentally and physically. I suffered his abuse too, but what he did to my mother was beyond reprehensible. He was supposed to love and protect her and instead he beat and humiliated her. I’d sworn when I was old enough I was going to get out of there, go to law school, and fight for what was right. I was going to be a better man than my father was, I’d never treat a woman the way he treated my mother. Somehow though I’d gotten so caught up in being afraid of being like him that in the process of not being like him I had kept Lexi at an unfair distance and it was time to start rectifying that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will jump back into the timeline after Chapter 4 and I'll start peppering in Rafael's POV with Lexi's. Lexi will remain the primary POV but when I change to Rafael I'll denote that as it changes.  
> I don't recall there ever being a mention of Rafael's fathers name so I made one up for him.  
> I'm glad everyone is enjoying the story, and thank you for the wonderful comments.  
> One more thing, updates may slow down after this weekend. I had a good bit of story written before I ever decided to post it and much of what I have reserved is the trial of Lexi's attacker and after. So updates may come every 3-4 days or so after Sunday since I'll have to connect between where I am now and the trial as well as trying to keep somewhat to cannon.


	6. Friendships and Affections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains an excerpt from the episode 'Girl Dishonored' of which I take no credit for. I did make up a last name for Alyson but that is all.

My first shift back at the ER was fairly uneventful, a head laceration, broken leg from a bike accident, two cardiacs, and a bunch of medicals. ER day shifts during the week were normally fairly calm for a large Metropolitan Emergency Room, it was nighttime and weekends that the city opened up and went crazy. I was going to be working 6a.m. to 6 p.m. until Dr. Hammond and I talked again but all in all I felt good being back at work. I only had one trigger I was aware of thus far and I’d asked the male staff to be mindful of pressing into me from behind during emergent cases. Because I was brought to Bellevue and treated there the staff knew what happened to me so the request didn’t really require an explanation.

It was late March and still light out so I’d decided to walk over to Rafael’s office, I was sure he’d be pissed but I was ready to start getting back to some sense of normalcy. I had always walked to his office if it was still daylight out and I wasn’t going to stop doing that now. In the physician’s locker room I had changed into dark grey yoga pants, a pale purple t-shirt that had Albert Einstein’s insanity definition on it, and black running shoes. As I was walking through the ER headed to the exit I saw Amanda walk in. She smiled when she saw me and waved.

“Hey Lexi,” she said looking around the curtained patient areas.

I turned my head in the direction she was looking, “You here for a patient?”

“Ahhhh no, I’m here to pick you up?” She told me scrunching her face up.

“Let me guess, Rafael sent you?” I rolled my eyes at thought.

“No actually I figured I’d come get you and we’d get a burger or something?”

“Oh okay, sounds good. Something up?” I was a little concerned, Amanda was my friend but she had closed herself off after her sister set her up.

“No. No, just thought we’d hang out. I haven’t seen your new place yet,” she told me as we walked to her car parked next to the patient entrance of the ER.

Watching her carefully I felt like something else was going on. “Is Kim back?”

Her eyes went wide at my question, “No! God no. It’s just…” She hesitated with her door open and looked off into the distance. “I don’t have many real friends, I…”

I waved her into the car and got into the passenger seat, buckling my seatbelt before turning toward her, “What’s up Amanda?”

She started the car and put it in drive, “I just…After Kim…” Rolling her head back and forth she started bouncing her left leg as she drove out of the hospital parking lot, “I don’t have many friends I trust, I seem to be good at the alienating people around me. I haven’t really talked to you much since you were attacked and I don’t want to have a strained friendship with you like I do with Liv.”

“Amanda, you don’t have to worry about that, seriously,” I laid my hand on her shoulder and squeezed lightly to emphasize my words. “I understand better than you might think.”

Amanda had a good heart, she meant well, but she did tend to make poor choices. I could empathize with how she felt though, my crash course into adulthood didn’t exactly leave me positioned to learn to socialize with other people. I tended to be socially awkward and didn’t have many friends because of it. Probably one reason that my arrangement with Rafael through the years, to keep our relationship out of the public eye, had originally worked so well for me. That had started to feel dispiriting several months before my rape though.

While Amanda drove I pulled my hair out of its bun clip and sent Rafael a text letting him know I was going to have dinner and hang out with her for a little while. He responded right away for us to have fun and stay out of trouble, he didn’t want get a call to come get us out of lockup. That made me snort causing Amanda to glance my way. She found Raf’s concerns amusing as well though. We went to a small diner that was about halfway between the hospital and the brownstone and ordered greasy burgers and fries. After the waitress brought our sodas Amanda sat back and played with her straw while she worked her bottom lip between her teeth.

I sighed melodramatically, “Out with it Amanda. I know you’ve got something on your mind.”

She humphed and looked up at me with an amused smile, “I just don’t see it. I mean you and Barba? Eighteen years?”

“To be fair it’s been an on and off relationship for eighteen years, we’ve only been back together for the last three. We met at Harvard actually probably closer to twenty years ago now. I was second year med and he was first year law,” I smiled as I thought back to our early years. “We separated a short time after graduation and then saw each other off and on while I was doing my residency at Princeton Plainsboro. After my Trauma fellowship was over and I started at Bellevue we saw each other more often.”

We both sat back as the waitress set our food in front of us and I ate a few of my fries.

Amanda turned what I told her over in her mind a little bit as she ate her burger. “I guess I’m just completely baffled by it. None of us knew. I mean sure, we’ve seen you in his office, but we all knew you consult for the DA’s office and testify as an expert witness on occasion. But there was just no indication whatsoever that there was anything between you two.” She raised her eyes to mine under her lashes, “I mean come on, it’s Barba.”

“He’s not a bad guy Amanda. To be effective at his job he has to separate himself from his work to a degree and you guys just get the closed off side of him more often than not. And to be fair you really haven’t known him all that long. He will open up once he develops some level of trust in you,” I told her honestly. “You’re not exactly the easiest nut to crack either.”

She tilted her head back and grinned, “HA! You have a point. I have trust issues and my family just makes things that much more difficult.”

We finished eating, paid the bill, and drove back to the brownstone where we decided to watch some reality trash TV and give ourselves manicures and pedicures, something I hadn’t felt like bothering with in the last few months. At around 11p.m. when Rafael walked through the door we were on the couch with popcorn laughing at the show we had been binge watching. He walked into the living room taking in the site of us and snickered while rubbing his eyes.

“Two of the smartest women I know up at…” he looked at his watch, “Eleven at night watching bad reality TV.” His voice sounded more amused with each word.

I fluttered my eyelashes at him, “It’s a girl thing you wouldn’t understand.”

He stood over me behind the couch and leaned down to kiss me briefly, “Mami watches it too.”

“You call your mother mommy?” Amanda exclaimed.

I snorted in a fit of laughter.

Raf rolled his eyes and looked to the ceiling like he was appealing to some unseen deity to save him from us, “I don’t even have the energy or desire to correct you Rollins.”

She still looked amused and Raf ignored her as he carried his briefcase up the stairs. I heard him in our bedroom not long after.

Amanda smiled at me, “I should head home.” We got up from the couch and walked to the front door, “Thanks for hanging with me.”

I hugged her, “It was fun Amanda. Don’t be a stranger.”

She looked at the floor with a half-smile playing on her lips, “I won’t. I promise.”

I let Amanda out and locked the door before climbing the stairs to the third floor where the master suite was. Raf was already sitting in his side of the bed closest to the door, wearing a crimson Harvard t-shirt and a pair of black flannel pants, with his legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles. A file was to the side of him, and he was writing on a legal pad in his lap.

When I walked in his eyes moved up to me and a flicker of a smile ghosted his lips. “Did you two have fun?”

“Actually yes. She’s been isolating herself since Kim was here and we’ve barely seen each other since I was in the hospital,” I told him as I went into our walk-in closet and pulled my yoga pants and t-shirt off and tossed them in the hamper. Walking back out into the bedroom I crossed into the master bath where I started my nightly wash, scrub, brush routine.

“Are you ready for the Grand Jury prep with Cutter tomorrow?” Rafael called to me after I’d cut the water off from brushing my teeth and washing my face.

I moved to stand in the bathroom doorway as I rubbed moisturizer on my face, “I suppose I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. I know Mike has read the report but I’m not sure how I feel about having to actually tell him all of the details of what happened.” I met his eyes, and told him quietly, “It’s humiliating.”

He tilted his head to the side and he thought for a minute, “Would it be easier or more difficult for you if I were there?”

I paced back and forth in front of the bed while Raf’s eyes tracked my movement, “I honestly don’t know. I know it is better at trial for the jury to see you in the gallery, and I need you there. So it’s probably better in the long run that you be there when Mike preps me for the Grand Jury before we ever get to the point of a trial. It was hard enough giving you the short version that I did, having you hear specific details? I just don’t know.”

“Lexi, I understand that better than you realize. I’ve had more than one female survivor tell me that it’s humiliating to have to tell me and then a room full of strangers details of a rape,” he told me seriously. “But sometimes they draw strength in knowing the person who loves them the most and supports them completely is there with them.”

His eyes were still tracking my movement as I stopped pacing and moved to the dresser and pulled a light gray cotton t-shirt out of one of my drawers. I turned back around to the bed and laid the t-shirt on it before reaching behind my back to unclasp my bra and let it slide off my shoulders. Dropping my bra on the bed I pulled the t-shirt over my head then took my bra back to the closet and tossed it in the hamper.

I crawled into bed and sat next to Raf with my head on his shoulder. He put his pen down and brought his arm up to pull me into his side and tangle his hand in my hair. I felt a light kiss to the top of my head.

“Do you realize that was the first time in nearly two months that you’ve walked around here in just your bra and panties?”

Now I knew why he was tracking my movement. I used to walk around half naked all the time, it had been years since I’d been self-conscious in front of Rafael. Sometimes I admitted I did it just to tease him, but my rape had stripped me of what confidence I’d had in myself around him. Tonight I just hadn’t even thought about it, I felt normal for once.

I tilted my head back so I could look in his eyes, “I’d say that’s progress.”

“Mmhmm,” Was all he said and kissed me before he set aside his file and legal pad and wrapped his arms around me.

The next morning I was up earlier than I needed to be. I was going into the office with Rafael at 8a.m. and was meeting with Cutter at 8:30a.m. Most likely I’d spend the day in Raf’s office reviewing the medical records he and some of the other DA’s had waiting for me. Sometimes I did medical chronologies, sometimes I had to fully explain a mechanism of injury, oftentimes though it was just simple explanations of medical terms and injuries.

I’d already showered and dressed and was sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen with a cup of peppermint tea at 7a.m. when Rafael came downstairs tying his tie, it was a blue gray tie with white geometric almost snowflake looking shapes on it. He was wearing a light beige and grey plaid three-piece suit and a white dress shirt. I already had my hair up and was wearing a pair of wide leg black dress pants, a pale mint green button down dress shirt open to just under my clavicle, and black Mary Jane pumps.

Rafael kissed me and wrinkled his nose when he realized what I was drinking before going to make himself a cup of coffee and eat the omelet I had made him while I waited for him to shower and dress.

He rolled his eyes skyward dramatically when he took the first bite of the omelet and looked at me appreciatively, “Have I told you how much I love you lately?”

Laughing I tapped a pink painted fingernail to my lip, “Hmmmmmm….not since before you got in the shower.”

“Well te amo mi alma,” he told me seriously and scarfed down the rest of his omelet so we could head to his office.

He drove us to the parking garage at One Hogan Place and we made our way to his office so he could check for any new cases for that morning and let Carmen know he’d be in Mike’s office with me until around 10a.m. then in front of the Grandy Jury for a case until the afternoon. Fortunately, he didn’t have any court appearances or meetings early that morning and could be with me. I had decided humiliation or not, I’d rather have him there to support me than do this alone.

***Rafael’s POV***

I was sitting in the Grand Jury seats with my arms crossed over my chest and my feet propped up watching while Cutter prepped Lexi for her testimony Thursday. Basically she would be giving the Grand Jury enough details for them to indict Burlew on first degree rape among other charges. She wouldn’t have to worry about the defense being able to ask her any questions or having to go into very specific details but when they got to actual trial prep I was a little concerned she might fall apart then.

Lexi had always been annoyingly independent and never asked for help or talked to anyone when something was bothering her. I had been very surprised and proud of her when she agreed to see Dr. Lindstrom, and reminded myself I really needed to thank Liv for that. I suspected their first session was a lot of her repeating his questions back to him though, but I’d seen more of the old Lexi in the last few weeks so I knew it was helping. However, Buchanan was a slimy asshole and I knew he would find some way to twist things during the trial and make Lexi look like she sought out Burlew for rough sex.

Cutter was simply walking her through what he needed her to tell the Grand Jury to get the indictments and they were done by a little after 9:15a.m. We walked back to the DA’s office where I left her with Carmen to work on the medical files we needed her to review. I had a Grand Jury hearing that morning on a series of rape cases at Tau Omega, a TSU fraternity, that I had to be at by 10a.m. and I knew by the time it was done that I was going to have a migraine and be struggling to control my temper. Since Lexi was raped I had to admit that I was a little more sensitive to these cases but I still had a job to do and I was working on keeping myself in check. But I was appalled and disgusted at the very blatant audacity of this fraternity and the school’s complete lack of concern with the fraternity’s behavior or support for the victims. They actually came close to encouraging it. I had to wonder at what our society was coming to when college boys actually believed it was okay to push that no meant yes and yes meant they could do whatever they damn well pleased, or display a woman hogged tied to emphasize not to take no for an answer. Shaking my head I walked into the Grand Jury room to find the jurors waiting on me.

After testimony of the two of the victims, Alyson Lucas and Renee Clark, was complete I was walking down the stairs of the courthouse with Renee, her doctor from LaGuardia Psychiatric Hospital, Dr. Sopher, and Liv. Renee had been so emotionally devastated by what happened to her and the lack of support that she actually wanted to have ECT to erase the memories. I told her that I thought she was very brave and that the jury was listening, and we’d be moving forward with indictments against the school the next day. Dr. Sopher suggested they head back to the hospital and Renee turned to us.

“I’ve decided to stop the ECT. Just being believed, I feel so much better. I want to go back to school,” she told us with confidence in her voice.

“School. Back to Tompkins Square?” Liv asked, looking surprised.

Renee nodded, “I don’t want them to win.”

“Well, maybe we can figure out a way around the parental supervision rule,” Liv told her before looking to me. Renee and Dr. Sopher looked appreciative before they left and Liv spoke again, “What's your gut on the jury?”

“They believed the girls,” I told her seriously.

“Well, that's the easy part, isn't it?”

“Now comes the fun part. By now, the school should be in a frenzy. Emergency meetings, covering up evidence.”

Liv grinned, “You mean you're smelling the blood in the water.”

“Aren't you?” I asked, knowing I sounded smug.

We parted ways and I headed back to my office, I’d be back for the Grand Jury the next day for testimony from TSU’s counselor, head of security, and the dean. That afternoon though I had three arraignments and time enough to take Lexi out to lunch before I had to prep for the first one. She looked surprised when I asked her to come with me to the little bar and grill I sometimes went to on late nights for dinner and to review files. We walked out of the DA’s building and I took Lexi’s hand as we walked, she gave me a surprised look but her smile was bright which made my discomfort even more worthwhile. I understood her surprise though, small gestures of affection in front of my mother or the squad now that they knew about us were one thing, but I’d never been prone to overt public displays of affection with her. When we went out we always went outside of the areas we worked in and while I might put my hand at the small of her back or on her shoulder that was the extent of any public affection I showed her. After my mother’s visit and my realization that wanting to be better than my father was a large part of my issue I began to realize Yelina was also part of it. I started trying to figure out why I’d never had an issue showing my affection to Yelina wherever we were but I kept Lexi at arm’s length. While I didn’t really want to admit it, it dawned on me that her betrayal with Alejandro had hurt me more than I realized and it had affected my relationship with Lexi.

We sat in a small booth near the back of the restaurant and ordered drinks and our food. I had chosen to sit next to her rather than across the table from her and took her hand from under the table and sat our intertwined fingers on my thigh.

“What?” I asked watching her as an amused smile passed over her beautiful face.

She turned slightly to look at me as her lips quirked up again on the side of her mouth, “You never sit next to me in a restaurant, and you certainly never hold my hand in public.”

“Yes well, now apparently, I do,” I told her and kissed the smile that still played on the corner of her lips.

She leaned her head back against the seat back of the booth and laughed, “Maybe I need to take advantage of this new and improved Rafael Barba while I have him.”

I turned my head sharply to look at her, I wasn’t sure but I thought I heard a little uncertainty in her tone, “Lexi, I am not going anywhere.”

“I know,” was all she had the chance to say before our food came.

I watched her out of the periphery of my vision as we ate, she was still smiling but she had grown a little pensive. Despite being an absolute genius and a successful doctor she never possessed much in the way of self-confidence, and I was kicking myself that I hadn’t done more over the years to show her just how much I loved her. Actions definitely do speak louder than words and I was suddenly feeling really inadequate in my actions, it wasn’t a feeling I was used to and was definitely one I didn’t like. I was going to have to rectify that somehow, and I knew it meant I was going to have to swallow my ego and my pride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For any readers who may also be House MD fans, yes, there is a reason I've used Princeton Plainsboro as the facility where Lexi did her residency and Trauma Fellowship, though I haven't decided if it will be strictly used for flashbacks or if it may be more significant in future chapters.


	7. My Brother from Another Mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist, this is a House heavy chapter and I've officially marked it a crossover fic now. I was watching both SVU and House the other night and this chapter just flowed so the next will have Barba's POV and more Cutter with details on the upcoming trial. I'm using one more cannon episode before October Surprise with the trial between.

The Grand Jury indicted Thomas Burlew for 1st degree rape, attempted 1st degree rape, predatory sexual assault, sexual abuse in the first degree, as well as assault in the first degree. I was actually surprised at the indictments, I didn’t realize there would be so many, but Rafael and Mike were extremely happy with the result. Liv and Amanda both felt that considering the charges Burlew was going away for the rest of his life. Dr. Lindstrom told me it was another step in my healing and that I should still expect to have highs and lows but that he was happy with my progress thus far. I had started seeing him every other week instead of once a week and I was feeling more myself again. Small steps.

After two-weeks back in the ER without incident Dr. Hammond was finally letting me go back to a normal ER rotation but I was only allowed on Trauma once a week starting the next week. It was killing me but I knew slow and steady would allow me to heal faster and more completely rather than just diving into the ridiculous schedule I’d always kept in order to ignore how I felt. That would just make things worse and I knew it. I watched Liv through her highs and lows after Lewis and his trial, not all that long ago, and I was trying extremely hard not to push myself like she did when she tried to go back to her life.

I had somewhat of a reprieve before my case went to trial. Buchanan was filing motions left and right already for Burlew, and I just didn’t want to think about what they were going to do to try to slut shame and put the blame on me. It really wasn’t fair that I had to prove that I didn’t want Burlew to rape me and that the blame was going to be directed at me. No one needed to tell me what was coming, I knew it was going to be ugly. I also knew I had a strong support system in Rafael and my friends to make it through it, but it was times like these that I wished for family. Mine was useless, I hadn’t talked to any of them since I was seventeen, and I wasn’t planning to start now. Lucia was like a mom to me but she was Rafael’s mother and it wasn’t quite the same. I never felt right going to her about my insecurities and I didn’t want her looking at me differently so there were a lot of things I was feeling at that time that I couldn’t talk to her about. I really needed a big brother at that moment and the closest thing I had was probably the last person I should talk to but he was all I had. I just didn’t know if I really wanted to talk to him about this any more than I wanted to talk to Lucia about it. Dr. Lindstrom kept encouraging me to utilize any pieces of my support system I felt I needed to. I knew I could go to Amanda and Liv any time but they both had their own burdens to bear. And strange as it felt to me to admit, I felt like I needed a male opinion to understand what was going on, men and women really did perceive things differently and I was feeling really insecure.

It was 7p.m. Friday night and Rafael wasn’t likely to be home for another few hours, I was sorely missing him. I had picked up Chinese takeout on the way home from the hospital and curled up on the couch in a pair of navy flannel pants and one of Raf’s black t-shirts, to eat mine. Raf’s I left on the counter in the kitchen for whenever he managed to get home. My laptop was sitting on the coffee table and I opened up my video chat and clicked his contact. He answered right away.

“Hermosa, are you okay?” I could tell he answered from his cell, he looked like he’d been running his hands through his hair and his tie was loose around his neck.

I smiled for him and reached a finger out to touch his face on the laptop, “I’m fine, I was just missing you.”

“I’ll be home as soon as I can, I’m just leaving SVU and have to get them a warrant tonight,” he told me and I could tell he was moving through the squad at that point. Amanda appeared behind him and stuck her tongue out.

I laughed and could see Raf turn back to her, but didn’t catch what he said. She laughed and moved out of my site. “It’s okay Raf, I really just wanted to hear your voice and see your face. I love you.”

He stopped moving, kissed his index finger and touched it to his phone, “Te amo mi alma.”

The video chat closed down, and I tapped on the coffee table for a minute before deciding to call my brother from another mother as he liked to call himself. It played the stupid dialing jingle three times before the grizzled face of my mentor from Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital filled the screen.

“Rogers! How’s it hanging? Where’s law boy?” Almost 17 years since they met and Dr. Gregory House still called Rafael that.

I snickered, “He’s at SVU, they have a case.”

“It’s been awhile since I’ve heard from you,” his face got so close to the screen that one blue eye was all I could see. “You avoiding me? I get all better, stop doing drugs, and you abandon me,” he said dramatically feigning sadness. After running his car into his ex-girlfriend’s house and spending a year in prison he straightened himself out, for the most part, and had been drug free and working at PPTH under one of his former fellows for the last 5 years.

“No, I’m not avoiding you Greg, and you’re still an asshole,” I told him.

He backed away from his laptop so I could see his face again, and put his hand dramatically over his heart, “You wound me.” I could tell he was in his office at that point. “Do you have a case or is this a social call?”

I dropped my eyes, “Social I guess.”

“Social you guess?” He asked, “Wait a minute.” I could see him push himself up from his chair with his cane and heard a door close before he sat back down. “What’s going on? Law boy abscond on you again?”

“Jesus House, no, Rafael and I are fine. At least I think we are,” I told him as I picked imaginary lint off my shirt.

He tapped his computer screen with his cane, “You think?”

“I was hurt a few months ago,” that was all I wanted to tell him about my rape right now, like a big brother or not, I knew he didn’t deal with rape victims well.

And I was looking at a close-up of his eyeball again, “Hurt? How?”

“I had a skull fracture and a severe concussion,” I told him, it was the truth, and hopefully enough of it that he’d leave the rest alone for now.

He sat back again and gave me a strange look, and was silent long enough that I thought the computer might have frozen. “He didn’t hurt you, did he? Because you know I will come up there and beat law boy’s ass with my cane.” He brandished the weapon in question around in the air in front of him.

“What?! No House, never. You know better than that!”

He put the cane down, “Alright then.” And then he just waited.

I chewed on my lip before responding, “It’s just, in the last few weeks he’s been more attentive in situations he wouldn’t have been before…”

All of sudden he was saying, “La La La La La,” very loudly with his hands over his ears and I stopped and just looked at him.

“If this is a sex discussion you’re going to make me…” he mimicked someone throwing up, “You’re my sister from another mother and that’s just gross.”

I sighed heavily, “No Greg, this is not a sex discussion. He’s just started paying attention to me in public, even when he’s working, small things really. But it’s so out of character for him that it’s gotten me worried. Is this something men do when…” This time I got close to the camera on my laptop so that all he should be able to see was my eyeball, “…they’re feeling guilty about something?” I sat back again. I knew I sounded paranoid for no reason, but my brain had been going into overload. Dr. Lindstrom told me I was catastrophizing because I still thought Rafael was waiting for Yelina.

House’s expression actually softened a little bit, “Lexi…” Crap, he never used my first name. “Did you ever consider maybe he was genuinely afraid he could have lost you?”

“I guess…”

“Look, I’m not particularly fond of your little Cuban law boy, but I do think he loves you. And I don’t think he’d hurt you like he did when you graduated medical school,” he told me seriously.

“Maybe you’re right…” I started to say before he interrupted.

“I’m always right, come on, just say it. House is always right,” he was back to smug.

Rolling my eyes I gave in, “Yeah, okay. House is always right.”

“Damn straight,” he was tapping the computer with his cane again. “For what it’s worth, it took a lot of cahones for him to come here to try to get you back after what he did. That means something.”

“I know.”

Greg told me about the case his team currently had, an ice skater started bleeding from her eyes while skating and then having seizures. I made a few suggestions for testing, and he agreed to keep me posted on the case. We closed our video chat and I sat back on the couch thinking about when Raf first came to PPTH to get me back.

_Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital cafeteria, July 1996_

_I was sitting at a table in the back of the cafeteria with House and Dr. James Wilson, picking at my salad, while House berated me for meeting with Rafael, Wilson just rolled his eyes at him while taking a bite of his own sandwich._

_"Why would you want to go back to a guy that dumped you for his hot latina ex?" House asked emphasizing his last words and trying to get me to meet his eyes._

_"Geez House way to bring up her self-esteem," Wilson quipped harshly at him and gave me an apologetic look._

_Shaking my head I kept picking and House's blue eyes followed my fork to my mouth and back to my plate before he gave me one of those disgusted looks of his._

_"It's because you don't eat. That's why he dumped you isn't it? I mean come on, how do you sustain yourself on rabbit food?" House just kept on._

_I slammed my hand down on the table making Wilson jump and House smile just a little bit, "Greg, stop it. I don't know that Rafael wants to get back together with me, and I knew when I started dating him that he didn't have closure with Yelina and accepted the fact that he might feel the need to go back to her at some point. When we graduated and he told me he needed to give their relationship another chance I let him go. I know in my heart we'll be together eventually but you can't tell another person that THEY love you."_

_House wasn't exactly known for his tact, or his sensitivity toward other people's feelings. He was a damn good doctor, the best at what he did, but his bedside manner left a lot to be desired at times. Being his friend wasn't easy, he was more like to piss you off than be supportive, but somehow I had earned his respect and become the beneficiary of his friendship. While that might sound like a totally one sided relationship he actually treated me like a little sister and I knew I could rely on him if I needed to._

_He took a huge bite of his burger and softened his expression somewhat, "You deserve better than that."_

_"Jesus House, just stow it. Rafael will be here..." I happened to look up as Rafael walked through the cafeteria door and smiled at me, I waved him forward. "Crap...Now." I looked at them both pointedly, "Behave."_

_House was watching Rafael closely as he approached our table. "Well if it isn't the...OW!!" House exclaimed and gave me a dirty look while he rubbed his shin that I had kicked under the table._

_I was genuinely happy to see Rafael, while we had talked on the phone periodically, I hadn't actually seen him since he told me he needed to try with Yelina again after graduation. My heart was fluttering as I watched him walk towards us and when he stopped in front of our table I smiled and pointed to Wilson, "Counselor Rafael Barba, this is Dr. James Wilson, one of the oncologists here," I moved my eyes toward House who was still looking at me, "And this is Dr. Gregory House who..."_

_House stood up and with an evil grin offered Rafael his hand, "I'm her Infectious Disease guy. I'm treating her for neurosyphilis, have you been tested?"_

_"House!" Wilson and I exclaimed at the same time._

_Poor Rafael at first looked stunned, but then cocking his head to the side he smirked and shook House's hand. "I'm her attorney who will be filing suit against you for sharing her private health information in a public setting."_

_House's grin got even bigger at Rafael's response, "Touché law boy." He then looked to me, "Go..." he made a shooing motion at us. "You can use my office, but no funny business." He looked at Rafael who rolled his eyes._

_I stood up, taking my tray with my half-touched salad with me. Rafael tried to take it from me but I moved it away from his hands and walked ahead of him to throw away my trash and put the tray up. We walked in silence until we reached House's office where I pushed open the door._

_Rafael hesitated behind me reading what was under House's name, "Diagnostics, Nephrology, and Infectious Disease. Well at least he wasn't lying."_

_I rolled my eyes and looked at him, "Everybody lies, but I don't have neurosyphilis so get that out of your head."_

_His lip quirked up and he shook his head, "I know better."_

_Sitting down behind House's desk I scooted myself forward so I could lean my forearms on the desk.  Rafael looked around, the office was small, containing the desk with a computer on top of it, the chair I was sitting in, a bookshelf with medical texts, and two chairs sitting in front of the desk. He sat down in one of the chairs and looked at me._

_I motioned my hand toward him smirking as I did, "Rafael Barba at a loss for words?"_

_"No, it's just seeing you again finally..." he shook his head again as if to clear his thoughts. "I'm kicking myself for being so stupid."_

_I rolled my eyes and dropped my head to the desk, "Stupid is something you've never been Rafael."_

_"Lexi, look at me please," he asked._

_Picking my head up I looked into his green eyes and I could see the love I had felt for him since the day I met him reflected back, my heart stuttered._

_"I've never stopped loving you, and I am sorry that I hurt you by what I did," he told me seriously._

_"Rafael if we're being honest with each other as soon as you told me that you and Yelina broke up because she cheated with Alex I knew at some point you would feel compelled to try things with her again if you had the chance. You just didn't have closure with that relationship. Yeah, it hurt. I loved you, I still do. But I didn't want you to have doubts about us," I told him as calmly as I could._

_Seeing him for the first time since graduation brought back a rush of feelings I was having difficulty controlling. Talking to him on the phone just wasn't the same, that had been easy. This was hard. The last time we saw each other was when he told me Yelina called him wanting to get back together and he felt like he needed to try. He went back home to the Bronx and started work in a law firm there while they tried their relationship again, or so he thought. I had come to Princeton Plainsboro to start my residency. It was two months later when Rafael called me to tell me he was done with Yelina for good, she had lied to him again and was back with Alex, and he felt like a fool. We were both so busy with starting our new careers that at the time seeing each other when we were an hour and a half apart just wasn't feasible. I told him then not to wait for me, I still had my residency to finish, and then a fellowship and I wasn't sure where I'd end up. We kept in touch but his call asking to come see me was a surprise._

_He leaned toward me and reached his hand out, palm up on the desk, silently asking me to take it which I did. “I want to be with you. Even if it’s long distance for now.”_

_“I want to be with you too Rafael, but you have to realize I don’t have a lot of time for a relationship right now. I doubt you do either,” I told him._

_“You’re right, but we’ll figure it out,” he tugged on my hand to get me to stand up and pulled me into him. When he wrapped his arms around me then kissed me I felt like I was home._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note for House MD fans - I've played with House's timeline a little bit but if I figured the timeline from the show correctly his thigh muscle infarction will occur sometime in 1999. So starting in the flashback Wilson is part of the Oncology department but not yet the Chief, and House does not yet have his own department though he takes on Infectious Disease and Nephrology cases as well as cases needing his diagnostic expertise and of course avoids the clinic like the plague. Cuddy is the Chief of Medicine for the hospital. House and Stacey are still together at that point. House is House, but since he hasn't yet had the infarction or more serious addiction issues he's a little nicer and connected. In the present timeline House did crash his car into Cuddy’s house and went to jail but after he went back to work at PPTH with Foreman as Dean of Medicine he straightened himself out somewhat. Wilson was not diagnosed with cancer, House did not fake his death, and they did not ride off into the sunset.
> 
> Also, there will be more backstory about Rafael’s relationship with Yelina, what happened with Alex, and Rafael’s and Lexi’s breakup/on again/off again status when the timeline gets to October Surprise.


	8. Trauma and Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prior posting note: I just wanted to let everyone know I REALLY appreciate everyone's comments and thoughts. Please keep them coming. I don't mind considering anyone's requests for things they'd like to see in the storyline. Please know that I do read and consider every one of those comments even if I delete or don't post them. You've been heard. ;o)
> 
> Contains an excerpt from the episode 'Poisoned Motive' of which I take no credit for.

It was my first day back on Trauma service and I had a fall from a roof with a penetrating abdominal injury as soon as I walked in the door. I spent four and a half hours in surgery trying to extricate a long pipe from the roofer’s abdomen without causing more nerve, blood vessel, or tissue damage. All in all, the surgery went well and he was sent to critical care with orders to keep him in a medically induced coma until he was in stable condition. He would be touch and go for the next few days.

After scrubbing out I went to my office to complete my operative notes and work on some charting I had to finish. I was in the midst of reviewing a chart when my phone started vibrating on my desk. Picking it up and flipping it over I found Liv's picture looking back at me, swiping my finger across the phone to answer I put it to my ear.

"Hey Liv, what's up?"

"Lexi!" She sounded frantic, "Amanda was shot in the left shoulder by a sniper, Fin is on his way to Bellevue with her right now. Are you in the ER today?"

I was already up and making my way back to the ER, "Even better Liv, I'm on Trauma today so I'll see her in the ER and take her to surgery if necessary."

"Okay," she breathed, "Okay, can you keep me updated?"

"You got it. Everyone else okay?"

"Yeah, Amanda was perp walking a sex trafficker out of SVU when she was shot from the roof across the street. One shot only and the sniper was gone before we could get there," Liv sounded angry now.

"She's in good hands Liv, if you can reach him let Fin know I'll meet him at the ambulance bay with a stretcher," I was already motioning my team into action and pushing the stretcher outside.

"Will do," Liv told me and disconnected the call.

We got outside just as Fin pulled up, he jumped out of the car, and pulled Amanda into his arms from the back seat and ran over to put her on the stretcher.

"You know where registration is, give them as much information as you can," I told him, and stood up on the bottom rail of the stretcher so I could assess Amanda's wound as we moved through the ER.

Amanda was holding a bloody shirt to her shoulder and she looked at me with fear evident in her eyes, "It's bleeding a lot."

I smiled at her as I moved her hand from the wound, "Didn't anyone ever tell you we blondes bleed like stuck pigs no matter what the injury is?" Pulling away the shirt I noted she had an entry and an exit wound so at least I wasn't looking for a bullet and there didn't appear to be any major vessel damage. Now I would just have to get her into surgery to debride the wound, repair tissue, and stitch her up.

She was still looking at me, "Did it hit anything important? Am I gonna be okay?"

"Just fine sweetie, just fine," I told her, still with a smile on my face.

We got her into one of the Trauma bays where my team started prepping her and I headed to the OR to scrub. I was ready and waiting when they got there and fortunately it was an uneventful surgery and I had her in recovery within a few hours of her arrival. After scrubbing out I went to the waiting room where I found Fin pacing.

As soon as his eyes found my face he immediately came up to me, “How is she Doc?”

“She’s in recovery right now, she’ll be moved to a room shortly and then you can go see her. It was a through and through shot, muscle damage only, no blood vessel or other structure damage. She’ll be good as new in a month or so,” I told him with a smile putting my hand on his forearm and giving him a reassuring squeeze.

He looked relieved, “Thank God.”

“As soon as she’s moved to her room the nurse will come get you. I’ve got to finish up her orders but you can always text me or have a nurse get me,” I waited for him to process what I said and walked back to my office so I could do Amanda’s op report.

When I got there I sat at my computer and signed back in, but before I started anything I called Liv.

The phone barely rang before she picked up, “Lexi, Fin texted me the news. Thank you.”

“No need to thank me Liv. It’s my job, and she is my friend,” I told her honestly.

“I know, but thank you anyway. How late are you there tonight?” She asked.

“Well, Hammond doesn’t want me doing more than 12 hours a week on Trauma rotation for the next few weeks so,” I looked at my watch, “I’m technically off shift now. But I have an earlier trauma in a medical coma in critical care that I need to check on, and then I have to finish Amanda’s orders and operative notes and check on her once she goes to intensive care,” I explained as I scrolled through Amanda’s chart to start my operative notes.

“Intensive care?” Her voice raised.

Sighing I leaned back in my chair, “It’s just protocol, she’s stable. I told Fin everyone can go see her once she’s moved from recovery to her room, but she needs rest.”

“He told me. Amaro, Cragen, and I will be up there shortly. Can we bring you anything?”

“I’m good, thanks Liv. I’m going to get Amanda’s orders done. I’ll pop out to see you later,” I told her as I started typing orders for antibiotics and a morphine pump among other things.

We disconnected the call and I finished Amanda’s orders and operative note and then made my way to the critical care unit to my earlier patient. His wife was at his bedside holding his hand.

“Mrs. Dillon?” She turned her head towards me, “I’m Dr. Rogers, the Trauma surgeon who operated on your husband earlier today.”

She stood and took my hand, “Thank you so much for taking care of him.”

“Of course,” I gestured to the seat she just left and she sat back down. I told her about her husband’s injuries, the surgery, and his prognosis. “Do you have any questions?”

She looked at me with tears in her eyes, “You said he’s in a coma?”

I nodded, “Yes, but it’s medicine induced. To prevent him from moving around and opening his wound or worsening his injuries.” I smiled, I had a feeling I knew what she was thinking, “Talk to him, he can hear you.”

She gave me an appreciative look, “Thank you Dr. Rogers, so much.”

I walked to the nurse’s station and made some notes in his chart and headed to Amanda’s room where I found Fin talking to her. I leaned back against the doorway with my arms over my chest and ankles crossed, Fin’s back was to me but I could see Amanda clearly.

She held the button for her morphine pump up to show him, “It doesn’t hurt.”

“They got you on that happy mud,” he told her, “It’s just a shoulder wound, straight through and through.”

Amanda smiled brightly and waved her finger, “Through and through.” She laughed while circling her finger in the air. “Just through, through.”

“Just like I said,” Fin chuckled.

“Did you get the guy that shot me?” She asked him before nodding off.

He sighed heavily before turning around and catching me watching them.

“Hey Doc,” he said quietly.

“Hey yourself,” I looked closely at him, he looked frustrated, upset, scared, a whole gamut of emotions. “Go, let everyone know how she is. I’m off shift, I can stay with her.”

“Thanks Doc.” He nodded and walked out of her room back towards the waiting room.

I sat down in the chair next to Amanda’s bed and put my hand over top of hers. It was quiet except for the beeping of her heart monitor and after a few minutes my mind started to wander to Rafael. Despite my ridiculous worry that his sudden public displays of affection were somehow signs of guilt, I’d been feeling pretty good the last few weeks and I really wanted our relationship to start getting back to normal. Restarting the physical part of our relationship was something I really wanted but I didn’t know how to go about it. I rubbed my eyes, gods I was tired. It had been nearly 3 months since I’d spent a day in Trauma, it was taxing when you weren’t used to it. Well, it was taxing even when you were, but more so when you weren’t. Now I was feeling like I was on Amanda’s happy mud as Fin put it. I kept my hand over hers and leaned my head down on the bed.

_Bronx, NY, Christmas Eve 1996_

_Rafael had invited me to stay with him for Christmas and since I had Christmas Eve to the day after Christmas off I accepted his invitation. Since he came to visit me at PPTH in July wanting to get back together we had talked more and alternated day trips between the Bronx and Princeton. This was the first overnight trip either of us had made though and even though we’d spent many a night together before leaving Harvard this would be the first time in a year and a half. I was excited and nervous at the same time._

_Lucia wanted us to spend Christmas at her house so we opted to spend Christmas Eve just the two of us. We’d gone out to dinner and were walking along Jerome Park Reservoir near Rafael’s apartment. There were speakers playing Christmas music all over the park and Ray Charles’ That Spirit of Christmas started playing._

_Rafael took my hand in his and looked me in the eyes, “May I have this dance mi alma?”_

_Smiling I nodded and he pulled me into him so I was flush with his body and he led me expertly around as if he’d been dancing all of his life. It was a bit of a turn on. His nose was in my hair and his lips were at my ear and I could feel tingles going down my spine from his warm breath and the way he moved. I’d missed being in his arms like this over the last year and a half. I missed his lips, his smile, his sarcastic wit, the feel of his skin on mine…_

_“Rafael, can we go back to your place now?” I asked in what I hoped was a sultry whisper._

_He leaned back slightly to look at me and a sexy grin crossed his handsome face, “I thought you’d never ask.”_

_Twirling me around he faced me in the direction we needed to go and took my hand. By the time we got back to his apartment I was shaking in anticipation and nervousness and wet with desire. He unlocked his door and let us in his apartment before locking the door again. As soon as we got inside we started kissing and undressing each other, tossing articles of clothing as we made our way to his bedroom. When we got there we fell on the bed in a tangle of naked limbs and…_

_“Lexi…”_

Present day

“Lexi…”

I sucked in a breath, sat bolt upright, and wiped the drool from the corner of my mouth. Jesus, I couldn’t even manage to make love to Rafael in my dreams. And then I looked around and realized where I still was.

Amanda was still sleeping but Liv was standing next to me with an amused smile on her face. “Nice dream?”

“Shut it Detective,” I snarked at her.

She laughed, “Go home Lexi, it’s after midnight. Fin can take you. I’ll sit with Amanda for a little while.”

I stood up and stretched my arms over my head, arching my back and could hear my vertebrae pop. Crap, I was going to pay for that in the morning. At least I didn’t have to be back to work for a few days, but I’d need to come in to check on Amanda and my other patient later that day. “Yeah, good idea. Amanda will probably sleep til later this morning, but if she wakes up in pain she has her morphine pump.”

Liv snorted, “Yeah, she showed Fin.”

Rubbing my eyes, I snickered, “I was there.”

I walked out to the waiting room where Fin was waiting for me, “Come on Doc, let’s get you home to Barba.”

I smiled, that sounded really good. When Fin dropped me off the porch light and front living room light were on but the rest of the lights in the brownstone were off. I climbed the stairs to the third floor where I found Rafael already in bed. I quietly went through my nightly routine, put on a t-shirt, and crawled into bed next to Raf who opened his arms to me.

“Hermosa, how’s Amanda?” He asked groggily.

“She’s doing good,” I whispered scooting myself as close to him as I could and relishing in the feeling of his arms around me. I wanted him to make love to me, but I was still hesitant. He turned his head so our noses and lips were brushing each other.

“That’s because she has a good doctor,” he said against my lips.

I hummed as he kissed me and I could feel myself tingling with desire. I wanted him so badly but just couldn’t bring myself to initiate it. Sighing I threw my leg over his and pulled him as close to me as we could get, and I felt his smile before his tongue reached out to touch my lips. I tentatively touched my tongue to his and we kissed passionately as he ran his fingers through my hair and pulled me into him.

“I’m not doing anything but kiss you tonight. When you’re ready you lead me,” he breathed.

“I know,” I told him and just enjoyed the feeling of his lips on mine and his hands in my hair for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I moved a few chapters around, when I wrote this one it wound up making the most sense here, the next one with Rafael's POV, Cutter, and then the start of the trial start with Chapter 9.


	9. About the Trial and Those PDAs...

"And how are you feeling today?" Dr. Lindstrom asked me, it had been about 4 months since my rape and I was still seeing him every other week. I felt like I would need to continue every other week at least until the trial was over when I hoped to move to once a month.

"Okay, better now that life is mostly back to normal," I told him honestly, picking at my jacket.

He was watching me carefully, "Mostly back to normal?"

I was wringing the hem of my jacket up into my hand at that point, "I still don't feel ready to be intimate with Rafael. We've known each other 20 years, I trust him unconditionally, but..."

"You're waiting for the next bad thing to happen?"

My eyes jumped to his, "Yes."

"Why?"

“Jesus! You tell me why, I don't know," I stood up and paced behind my chair.

He sat back in his chair calmly and watched me, "Are you afraid Rafael doesn't want you in the same way he did before?"

Stopping my pacing I pointed at him and touched my nose. "He's more attentive than he was before my rape. Public displays of affection were anathema to him. Small things were okay, a hand on my back or shoulder, a quick kiss in front of his mother or grandmother."

"And now?"

I took my seat again, "He holds my hand when we leave his office, he will kiss me full on the lips in public, he tells me he loves me in front of people he never would have before."

"And how is any of this a bad thing?" He was smiling just slightly as he asked that of me.

Shrugging I started bouncing my left leg, now I was picking up Amanda's nervous habits, "It's totally out of character for him. I feel like he's feeling guilty about something, like he's hiding something."

"Alexis, he has a process of healing he has to go through as well. You are the victim of the rape but he is the most significant person in your life so he is affected as well. He may be feeling some guilt, sorrow, and or anger. All of that is normal. Considering your head injury he may have feared losing you. You've said you feared being treated like you were broken, is he doing that?"

"Well no, he's just more attentive and less worried about who sees it," I smoothed the now wrinkled fabric of my jacket.

"Perhaps this was the catalyst for him to realize that it's okay for the world to know he cares for you," he told me gently.

"Now you sound like House," I sighed.

Dr. Lindstrom smiled at that. "And how are things moving along for the trial?" He opened his notebook and was writing in it.

"Mike," I hesitated, "Uh, the prosecutor, tells me that Thomas Burlew's lawyer only has a few more motions before a trial date can be set. He expects it to happen in June, so maybe eight weeks or so?"

"I see, how do you feel about that?"

I was caught a little by surprise and thought about how I felt. "Well, if I'm honest, I'm scared. Just the thought of having to tell specific graphic details of my rape in front of people I know and love as well as complete strangers is humiliating. He will be in the courtroom looking at me, I haven't actually seen his face since I discharged his daughter from my care after her accident six years ago. I'm feeling guilty about taking her daddy from her. I've encountered his attorney before, he's slimy, he makes every rape victim out to sound like she wanted it and is lying about being raped. I'm dreading the blame and slut shaming. It feels like I'm about to be raped all over again."

"Do you think perhaps that is part of what is hindering your renewal of intimacy with Rafael?"

"Ahhh...I guess I'm not sure, I keep feeling like I'm ready and then just can't seem to take the first step. Rafael has been clear that this is the one time he won't initiate or be in control and that he can wait until I'm ready to myself," I told him.

He nodded, "You may find that you aren't ready until you have some closure which may come from the trial. And that's perfectly okay."

"I know."

We both glanced to the clock realizing my session was over for the day. He stood, "I think we should talk more about your feelings regarding the trial in our next session."

"Alright, thanks Dr. Lindstrom," I told him as I made my way out of his office. He'd given me some things to think about as I walked back home.

***Rafael's POV***

I rolled my eyes for the third time as I drummed my fingers on my desk and listened while defense counsel from a rape case I was prosecuting droned on about how his client was being wrongfully accused. "Wrongfully accused? Come on Desanto, is your client Leslie Neilson? He was found on top of the victim in the act behind a dumpster in an alley with her screaming at the top of her lungs for him to stop."

"She liked it rough?" The idiot had the balls to say to me and make it sound like a question at the same time.

"Is that a question Desanto? Seriously?" I barked. "Look, this isn't going to go well for you at trial, I'll offer 1st degree rape with 15 to 25. That's the best you'll get."

"Fine, I'll call you in the morning," he whined.

I slammed the phone back down on the receiver on my desk and started counting to ten. Someone knocked on my door and I looked up when I saw it opening.

"Mr. Barba, Dr. Rogers is here to see you," she said with a smile and moved aside so Lexi could step through the door. Carmen backed out of my office and pulled the door closed behind her.

Her hair was down around her face and shoulders. It reached her lower back now, and she had changed the colors in the bottom half to what I assumed was lilac and maybe a cerulean blue. I loved her hair, and since I'd known her she always colored that part of her hair in an array of different and dramatic colors. It was incredibly sexy and fit her personality, though she had to be able to hide it when she was working since hospitals didn't allow extreme hair colors. She was wearing a black jacket, jeans, her ridiculous boots with the buckles all over them, and a snug light blue t-shirt that had some silly saying on it, and she had a plastic bag in her right hand. I smiled and shook my head as I stood up and took the bag from her and set it on my desk then took her hand.

“Hi,” she said coyly.

“Hi yourself,” I smirked and pulled her to me so I could wrap my arms around her. Just seeing her and being able to hold her had calmed me down from my earlier phone call.

“I figured we could have lunch and I’d work on some of those files you wanted reviewed,” she rested her head on my shoulder and I kissed the crook of her neck.

“That’s the best idea I’ve heard all day Hermosa,” I picked the bag she brought back up, lead her by the hand to the couch in my office and we sat down. She had picked up sandwiches and the flavored waters she was always drinking and trying to push on me. I’d humor her for now and then go back to coffee once we ate.

She opened her sandwich and took a bite. I could tell she had something on her mind but held my tongue and started on my own sandwich.

“Mike thinks my case will go to trial by June,” she opened her water and took a drink while watching me. “I’m not sure how I feel.”

I wiped my mouth with one of the napkins in the bag and nodded, “Yes, I think so too. Buchanan won’t be able to get the DNA thrown out and your voice ID was just a formality so…”

Lexi held up a hand and I stopped talking, “Raf stop. I need my boyfriend right now, not the prosecutor. That’s what I have Mike for in this.”

Leaning forward with my forearms on my knees I took in and let out a deep breath, “I’m sorry Lexi.” I swallowed my pride then and faced her, “I don’t know how I feel either. I’m used to being on the other side of this, not the person that loves the woman that was raped. I certainly know what I’m supposed to do, to say. But I don’t know if I’m doing any of it right and the last thing I want to do is something that will drive you away. I’ve spent so much time doing the wrong things in our relationship that I needed to start doing the right ones.”

Suddenly she smiled and shook her head, “So that’s what the sudden PDAs are?”

I sat back up and took another bite of my sandwich, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Yeah,” she told me, and put her lips to my ear, “Yeah you do.”

Smiling I finished my sandwich then kissed her forehead and walked out to Carmen to get the files I needed her to review and sat them on the coffee table in front of her. I then went back to my desk and sat down, opening up my case file to work on prep for a trial the next day. She finished eating, got a wet wipe from her purse and wiped her hands off, before she stood up to take of her jacket. When I could read the writing on her t-shirt all I could do was shake my head and chuckle. It said ‘I CAN’T FIX STUPID BUT I CAN SEDATE IT.’

She smiled and looked down at it, “What? It’s true.” I watched as she climbed back onto the right side of the couch near the door curling her feet under her and leaning into the arm of it while she opened the first file and stuck the tip of her pen in her mouth.

We worked like that for several hours, with me sneaking looks at her as frequently as I could. I had great control over my body, and thank God I did because I would have been painfully hard if I didn’t. Everything the woman did was a turn on and she simply had no idea. The way she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth when she was thinking. Or pulled her hair over her shoulder and twined it around a finger. The silly t-shirts she wore. Or the way she treated every patient and their family like they were the most important to her. Her eclectic taste in jewelry. That she rarely wore any makeup but a wine-colored lipstick. Or the fact that she was so down to earth she had no idea how beautiful she was. I was a stupid, stupid man for having taken her for granted the way I had the last 20 years, and I was damn lucky she loved me.

**Lexi’s POV**

Another two weeks had passed and Mike called me while I was on shift at the hospital to let me know Buchanan only had one more motion to be heard after which the judge would set a date for trial. He wanted me to come to his office to vet me as he put it. I’d heard Raf use the same term when it came to witnesses and knew he wanted to be sure there weren’t going to be any surprises.

“I don’t get off shift until 6a.m. tomorrow morning but I probably won’t leave the hospital until closer to 7a.m. Can I just come to your office then? It takes me about an hour to walk over so depending on when I do leave I can be in your office between 7:30 and 8.am.” I asked him.

“Yeah, that’s fine, I’ll be here. My calendar is clear until 11 tomorrow,” he told me.

“See you then.”

Luckily I was on ER service that night and not Trauma because I agonized all night long over my meeting with Mike. I’d called Raf to tell him about it and he reminded me I had nothing to hide so I had nothing to worry about. He wouldn’t be able to be with me because he had a motions hearing and arraignments that morning. But he promised that when it came to trial prep he would be there.

The night was busy, we had multiple drug overdoses come in and those were always messy. One even streaked through the ER claiming that aliens were chasing him. It was really security, but hey, why not aliens.

By six I was exhausted and it took me another half hour to finish my charting and report to the incoming ER Attending. I went to the physician’s locker room to shower and change into jeans, my black running shoes, a white periodic table shirt that said ‘I WEAR THIS SHIRT PERIODICALLY,’ and a denim jacket that matched my jeans. It took me a little under an hour to get to Mike’s office, and when I walked in his assistant smiled up at me.

“Dr. Rogers he’s waiting for you, go on it,” she told me.

Taking a deep breath, I opened Mike’s door and walked in. He was behind his desk writing in a notebook, the same way I’d found Rafael so many times when I went to his office. When he saw me he smiled and stood up, he was in a medium gray suit with the jacket unbuttoned, white dress shirt, and a blue paisley tie I was sure Connie had picked out for him. He reached his hand out and I took it, shaking it before he covered my hand with his other one. Nodding his head once he pursed his lips before waving me to the seats in front of his desk.

“Lexi, thank you for coming in,” he sat back down and leaned forward on his desk with his hands clasped in front of him, his hazel gaze fixed on me.

“No need to thank me. I should be thanking you for handing my case rather than turning it over to someone I don’t know or trust. Having to do this with you makes it a little easier,” I told him.

He shook his head, “I would have pulled it even if Barba hadn’t asked me. Look, all Buchanan has left is a Sandoval Motion to try to keep out the robbery that Barba put him away for. He’s going to lose that since it speaks to why his client was at Barba’s apartment the night he raped you.”

I looked to my hands and chewed my lip, “Okay.”

“I know this is going to be hard but I need you to tell me everything that happened that night, every detail.” He was giving me an impassive look.

Closing my eyes I took in a deep slow breath, calmed myself, and told him every disgusting and humiliating detail while he wrote in his notebook. He looked up to me every so often as I talked but didn’t interrupt, and never pressed me if I needed to pause. When I was done he set his pen down.

“Did you walk to Barba’s apartment from the hospital that night?”

“No, I took a cab. I only walk when it’s still daylight, it was about 8:30p.m. when I left the hospital that night.”

“Okay good. Did you stop anywhere between the hospital and Barba’s apartment?” He was writing again.

“No, I went straight to his apartment, I had a headache and wanted to relax,” I told him honestly, I remembered feeling especially worn out that night. It had been a very long 24-hour shift.

“Good, good,” still writing away, Mike bounced his eyes up to me. “Had you ever met with Thomas Burlew outside of the hospital.”

My eyebrows winged to my hairline, “No! I hadn’t seen him for six years, and even then only briefly a few times. When I took care of his daughter after her accident he was working most of the time she was in the hospital and I dealt mainly with his ex-wife.”

“Okay,” he paused, looking down at his notes. “You know why I’m asking all of this right?”

Nodding chewed my lip again, “Of course. Buchanan is a slimy asshole who is going to try to say I wanted this and cried rape because I was discovered cheating or some stupid thing like that.”

“Right,” Mike smiled at me. “Nothing I need to know about? No one else in your life, no sexual history that he can use in his client’s favor?”

I wasn’t about to tell Mike I’d never been with anyone other than Rafael but I knew what he was getting at, “No one else, and nothing. I’m not into rough sex, Rafael doesn’t tie me up and make me his sex slave, and I don’t wear leather and spank him with a whip.”

He rolled his eyes which made me chuckle, but then he got very serious, “Okay, when we have a trial date and we start prepping I’ll be asking you a lot of hard questions. You can’t be too emotional on the stand, but I don’t want you to be wooden or robotic either. You’ve been on the stand with Buchanan before, you know what he’s like. He’s never been able to break you which is going to be his goal in this trial and he’s going to find some way to rake Barba over the coals as well. Be prepared to have your love life and your sex life put on trial as well.”

Nodding I met his yes, “I know Mike. I’ve been mentally preparing myself for that.”

“Good, because you might despise me in the end, but I can promise you I’m going to do whatever it takes to put this guy away for life.”

Mike was a dogged prosecutor who at times resorted to manipulation to get what he wanted from witnesses but ultimately I knew he was my best ally since Rafael couldn’t fight this one for me. He was probably right, I suspected towards the end that I wouldn’t be very happy with him. With that said, I was also well aware of the fact that Buchanan would be ten times worse with no shame whatsoever in his pursuit to slut shame and victim blame me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to say thank you again to everyone for the lovely comments. I'm so glad people are enjoying my writing.
> 
> The next 3-5 chapters will be focused on the prep, actual trial, and aftermath. There will be a surprise appearance during the trial for the defense. ;o) And I'm not yet sure, but I might throw in one more cannon episode between the end of the trial and October Surprise. I started playing with a chapter that contains an excerpt for an episode whose episode time stamps seem to indicate it's trial happens in August before October Surprise.


	10. Insecurity Released

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning at the end of this chapter. :o)

Another ten days passed before Mike called again to say that Buchanan lost his Sandoval Motion and the trial was set to move forward in one month. It was looming close and there was so much to do. Mike was ready, he had already been preparing his witness list, statements, and outlining question and answer trees. He would be talking to the paramedics who found me, the sexual assault nurse examiner, Dr. Rosenthal, as well as Liv and Amanda over the next few weeks. Since I was the victim I was to the be the first witness and he planned to start prepping with me two weeks before the trial started.

I hadn’t talked to Lucia much about what happened, I was still too afraid of her judging me no longer worthy of her son. But being the mother that she was she just didn’t take no for an answer and harangued me into having lunch with her. We did opt to go to a diner near the DA’s office so Raf could join us once he had a break from court. I had chosen to wear a fushcia t-shirt that said ‘UPON THE ADVICE OF MY ATTORNEY MY SHIRT BEARS NO MESSAGE AT THIS TIME’ and a pair of light khaki ¾ leg cargo pants with my black running shoes and pulled my hair into a ponytail over my shoulder. Raf was running late so we had time to chat before he got there. As soon as Lucia saw my t-shirt she shook her head and chuckled and I sat down across from her in the booth she had chosen.

“How are you Mija?” She asked seriously, “I haven’t talked to you much since January. It’s been five months.”

I leaned my forearms on the table and laced my fingers together, “I know Lucia, it’s just hard right now.”

She smiled at me and reached a hand out to touch my cheek, “I know Lexi, I know. But I care, and I worry.”

I smiled at her while I bit my bottom lip and looked at the menu.

“What’s the matter, now you look worried,” she told me.

“Well, it’s just…” I hesitated, I wasn’t sure how to put what I was feeling into words. “You’re his mother, I’m…well…I was…”

“You were what? Raped? Yes, I know. It doesn’t change who you are, or how he feels about you. It doesn’t change what I think of you if that’s what you’re worried about. You didn’t cheat on him,” the look on her face was calm and loving, not one of disgust or disdain.

“He’s acting weird now though,” I said tentatively.

She gave me a puzzled look, “Weird. Explain what you mean by weird.”

“PDAs,” I said it so fast I wasn’t sure she understood me.

Sighing Lucia shook her head, the waitress chose that moment to come take our orders. Since Raf wasn’t there yet I ordered for him.

Lucia looked back at me, "You mean he kisses you in the office now? Is that the silly thing that’s bothering you? Rafi has always loved you more than anything else. But he lives in fear of being like his father."

I looked at Lucia over the table, "What do you mean?”

"You know about his father's temper, the drinking and yelling..." she paused looking out the diner window briefly before turning her eyes back to me. "The hitting."

"Yes, but Raf has never lost his temper at me or even yelled at me. I know he'd never hit me, I don't even think I've ever seen him hit anything," I was incredulous and couldn't understand why Raf would ever even feel that way.

"He hits a silly bag at the gym, or at least he used to. It's complicated, he wasn't fond of his father and was determined to be nothing like him. And then there was his relationship with Yelina which was a hotbed of turbulent emotions," she waved her hand with a smile on her face and I knew Raf was on his way to our table.

He sat next to me reaching his arm around my shoulder and pulling me toward him before kissing me soundly on the lips. My eyes flicked to Lucia who was grinning like a fool.

"I ordered you a coffee and Cuban sandwich," I told him and leaned my head onto his shoulder before tucking my hand on his inner thigh.

To his credit he didn't flinch or move away, he was certainly getting better about these public displays of intimacy and affection. "Thank you, mi alma," he said to me before addressing his mother, "Mami, how are you?"

"Eh bien," she waved him off and looked at me, I widened my eyes and flicked them Raf’s way so she would get the hint at what I was referring to earlier.

He narrowed his eyes at her, "What have you been saying this time."

"Nothing Rafi, you're too paranoid."

"Not paranoid enough apparently, I heard Yelina's name. Why?" He asked while looking between the two of us.

My hackles were up at the way he tensed over Yelina's name, and I looked to him. He was watching his mother who was giving him a determined look back.

Lucia finally shook her head, "I was telling Dr. Cabeza Tonta here that you kept her at a distance because of your father and Yelina."

"Mami! Why would you..." he started before she cut him off in Spanish.

"Mijo, tienes que hablar con ella sobre esto. Se siente insegura." _Son, you need to talk to her about this. She's feeling insecure._

"Si, si. Lo se." _Yes, Yes. I know._ He held a hand up to stop her from saying anything else, "English only now," and looked to me. "Not a conversation I want to have here. Can we talk at home?"

I licked my lips and looked down at my hands folded in my lap, "Yeah."

His arm was still around my shoulder and he moved his hand to brush my jawline, "Hermosa, I love you.”

“I love you too Raf,” I said quietly.

Our food came then and we ate while Raf and Lucia talked about her work at the charter school, his abuelita, and how things were at the DA’s office. I mostly stayed quiet unless Lucia asked me a question. I enjoyed listening to them banter back and forth, and even though Raf was always adamant that they only speak English around me I found it endearing how they would both slip into Spanish here and there throughout their conversations.

After lunch I went back with Raf to the DA’s office to drop in on Mike to find out exactly when he would need to start prepping with me and the exact dates for the trial. I needed to make sure to arrange my schedule at work so that I wasn’t asking people to cover for me at the last minute. When I walked into his outer office his assistant was absent but his door was open. I walked over and could see Mike in front of his desk leaning back against it with a relaxed stance and Connie was standing in front of him talking to him about something. I tapped on the glass of his door and they both turned their heads my way. Connie’s face lit up when she saw me and she immediately walked over to hug me. I returned the hug and smiled, she was such a sweet person, but was also a damn good prosecutor. She had left the New York DA’s office to be an Assistant US Attorney when she and Mike decided to pursue their relationship.

“How are you? It’s been too long,” she told me, stepping back. Connie was stunning as always. Her hair had grown and she wore it straight and long to just under her shoulder blades now. She had on a burgundy suit and black stiletto heels that would have killed me with my first step.

“I’m better these days, we’ll have to get together sometime. I told Mike that Rafael and I expect an invitation to the wedding,” I explained.

Nodding she looked to the man in question with a smile, “You will definitely get one.” She walked back over to his desk and kissed him before she picked up a file on the desk and gestured with it, “I’m taking this case Mike.”

He just shook his head and walked to the other side of his desk, “I’m done arguing about it, take it…I love you Connie.”

She smiled as she walked to the door, “And I love you too.” Looking to me she reached her hand out to touch my arm, “Call me anytime.”

Once she was gone Mike looked over to me, pausing to read my t-shirt he snickered and shook his head, “What brings you by Lexi? I filter all the file assignments for you through Barba’s office so I assume this is on your case?”

I nodded, “Yes, I just wanted to see if we could go over scheduling before the trial so I can make arrangements at Bellevue.”

“Sure,” he sat down and opened his calendar gesturing to one of the chairs to the side of his desk for me to sit in. “How are you doing with everything?”

I never really knew how to take Mike, I trusted in his desire and ability to put Burlew away, he was an excellent prosecutor after all. But while he cared about justice I was never really sure how much he cared about the affects of the trial process on the actual people involved or if it was just about the win for him. I’d known both him and Connie for almost as long as I had Liv, and considered them both friends. At that moment though I wasn’t sure if it was my friend asking or the prosecutor.

He saw me hesitating and put his pen down, “What’s wrong?”

I took in a deep breath and let it out noisily, “I guess I just don’t know who is asking me how I’m doing. Are you asking as the prosecutor on my case because you don’t need me falling apart on the stand on you, or are you asking me as my friend that actually cares how I am?”

His expression was surprised but he smiled, “Honestly Lexi? Both. As the prosecutor for your case I have a job to do, so yes I need you to be in a healthy state of mind when you testify. You are the first witness after all and the case builds around what you say to the jury. As your friend though I am worried about how this is affecting you.” He sat back and shook his head before continuing, “You need to stop thinking you aren’t as important as everyone else.”

“Gee thanks for the therapy Mike but I already have a psychiatrist,” I returned sarcastically. “I’m sorry. I’m just feeling insecure about everything, and I feel like a lot of people are going to a lot of unnecessary trouble for me.”

“Lexi, I’m sorry to be blunt, but you were raped. It’s my job to make sure he pays for that and that’s what I’m going to do,” he was deadly serious now, Prosecutor Mike.

I sighed, “I know, I know. To answer your question, I’m preparing myself. I’m terrified of seeing Thomas Burlew again, the thought of just being in the same room with him, him looking at me knowing what he’s seen of me, what he’s done to me, it’s mortifying. Then there’s Buchanan, who of course has questioned me on the stand before, but it’s never been about me. This time I know he’s going after me and his goal will be to make me look like a sex crazed whore that wanted Burlew to do what he did and only cried rape when I woke up with regrets.”

Mike was nodding at me, “I know it’s going to be extremely hard, and I will protect you as much as I can but unfortunately I can only protect you on the stand to an extent. But Lexi, you have an advantage over a lot of victims.”

I gave him a questioning look and shook my head slightly, “What do you mean?”

“Before you were raped you were a strong, confidant woman in an established long term loving relationship with a great number of friends who support you.” His hazel gaze was locked onto my face as if to dare me to challenge him. “And that hasn’t changed.”

Nodding I accepted what he said even if I didn’t entirely agree. I motioned to his calendar and we went over all the scheduling for prep and the trial so I could make sure I didn’t have any conflicts. After that I walked home and climbed the stairs to the third floor. Opening the door to the Master bedroom Raf and I shared I looked around. It was the perfect blend of both of our tastes, Rafael’s need for order and clean lines, and my love of the eclectic and bright colors. There was a framed picture on the nightstand at his side of the bed of me with my hair down around my shoulders which were bare, my head was tilted slightly down and I had a smile on my face. He always seemed to have a new picture of me in that frame and I could never figure out when he took them.

I went into the closet and shed my clothes, opting to put on a pair of pink knit sleep shorts and a lightweight long-sleeved navy blue t-shirt. Once I was changed I crawled under the covers on the bed and pulled Raf’s pillow to my face.

I found myself walking through the halls of Rafael’s old apartment building, and for some reason I kept passing his apartment but never went in. This went on endlessly until I came to a red door and opened it. As I pushed it inward I found Thomas Burlew standing there and I froze.

He smiled at me with red eyes, pushed me down onto the floor, and loomed over me. “Just lay here and enjoy what I’m about to give you.”

I started screaming and thrashing my hands and legs around as violently as I could. I was pushing at his chest trying to get him off of me when I heard my name.

“Lexi,” I heard Raf’s voice which was calm, “You’re safe. It’s me, Rafael.”

I was still fighting him, all I could see was Burlew.

“Mi alma, I love you. I’ve got you, I’m not going to hurt you. Come back to me,” Raf said.

I sat up so suddenly my head swam and I was sucking in air like I couldn’t breathe. My hands were clawing at the comforter and I was looking around wildly trying to determine where I was.

“Lexi, listen to my voice. You’re safe,” Raf said again in a quiet voice.

I was finally able to focus on him and cried as he put his arm tentatively around me and I beat my fists weakly into his chest. He sat calmly while I cried and pounded at him and just held his arms looped loosely around me. When I finally calmed down enough, he pulled me into his chest, and laid us back on the bed while he whispered “Te amo” in my hair over and over.

I had my hand over his heart, the thump thump, thump thump, I felt was calming. “I’m sorry Raf, so sorry.”

He moved a hand into my hair and put his lips to my forehead. Kissing me lightly he rested his cheek on my forehead then, “You have nothing to be sorry for mi alma.”

“What if I keep having these nightmares. This isn’t fair to you,” I sobbed.

I felt him shake his head, “I’m not worried about your perception of fair Lexi. Your idea of fair always puts someone else ahead of your needs. We’ll deal with whatever comes together.”

I was quiet for a few minutes before I spoke again, “I’m afraid I’m going to lose you Raf. I have before.”

He shifted so we could look at each other, “What are you talking about?”

“You’re not the same as you were before I was raped,” I whispered.

Searching my eyes he didn’t seem to understand.

Sucking in a breath I closed my eyes and blurted out as fast as I could, “You’ve been affectionate in situations you never would have been before. And I’ve been worried that maybe it’s to soften the blow when you eventually leave me because this is too hard now and you’ve found someone else or you and Yelina reconnected.”

His eyes softened and he chuckled, “Mi alma, I do not want anyone else but you. No matter how long it takes, no matter how hard it is, I’m here to stay. I will keep telling you how much I love you and that you’re the only one however many times I have to. I made the biggest mistake of my life in going back to her after we graduated from Harvard. I regret it every damn day that I look at you and realize how differently I treated you from her and because of her.”

“I don’t understand Raf,” I choked out, swallowing hard.

He sighed and looked at the ceiling. “When we were at Harvard you called me Rafi, do you remember?”

I turned my head to rest it on his bare chest, “Yeah, of course I do.”

One green eye found my blue ones, “Why did it turn into Raf after you started your residency?”

“I don’t think I like the direction this conversation is going,” I said very quietly and started to get up but he pulled me back to him.

“Lexi stop. As much as I always hate to admit it my mother was right, we do need to have this conversation,” he told me in a serious but gentle tone.

I laid my head back on his chest, “Okay.”

“So I ask again, why Raf?” His heartbeat was calm, soothing still.

Hot tears were slipping out of the corners of my eyes and spilling onto his chest. “Because I didn’t want to be like her,” I whispered. Feeling I needed to clarify I added, “Like Yelina.”

He put both arms around me squeezing just slightly for emphasis, “You could never be like her. You are so much more to me than she ever was. What I feel for you, love doesn’t begin to describe it. I was infatuated with Yelina, I thought I loved her. Now I realize that wasn’t real love. When I found her with Alex before I started law school I was devastated, my heart was broken. I swore I was never going to let another woman hurt me the way she did.” He paused and took a deep breath, it was a minute or so before he resumed speaking. “Because of that when I met you I kept you at arm’s length. I withheld my affection from you because I didn’t want to take the chance and get hurt again. And then like a stupid fool I believed her when she called me apologizing and begging to take her back. And I did, and you let me go because you always put everyone else’s wants and needs ahead of your own. All these things I’m doing now that have you rattled?” He looked at me, “I used to do with and for Yelina without a second thought. I’ve been treating you like you were less than her and never acknowledged that’s what I was doing. That’s not fair to you.”

“I’ve never felt that you treated me like I meant less to you than she did.” I reached up to my eyes and wiped the tears away, running the end of my long-sleeved t-shirt over his chest to wipe away the wet trail my tears had left.

“I know you haven’t, but that’s what I’ve been doing,” I felt him reach up to his face and when he returned his hand to my shoulder it was slightly damp. “It’s not just that. I’ve spent my life trying not to be like my father. The way he treated my mother was reprehensible. I saw the bruises she wore on nearly a daily basis. I wanted to be a better man, fight for women like my mother who were abused by the men who were supposed to love them. In the process of trying so hard not to be like him I kept you at a distance because I was afraid I’d eventually become like him and hurt you. I was afraid that showing the world the flood of feelings I have for you might somehow push me over the edge and suddenly I’d be just like him. The excuses I used about keeping our relationship out of the public eye to protect you? That was just a bunch of bullshit. I was doing it to protect myself.”

He paused again for a minute and I held my tongue, I was afraid if I started talking he might clam up and I knew I needed to hear this.

His voice dropped just slightly, “When I got the call from the hospital the night you were raped they just said you were in an accident. When I got there and saw Liv and Amanda there I knew immediately what happened. Then when I realized you could have easily died it did something to me Lexi. If I lost you I don’t know what I would do. I realized I needed to do better by you. I needed to be better for you. I didn’t want you to ever again doubt how much I love you, or how much you mean to me.”

I laced my fingers with his then, “I know how much you love me Raf. I love you the same.”

He put his hand to my jaw and I lifted my head to look in his tear-filled eyes. I closed my eyes and he kissed me then and things never felt righter than they did in that moment. Taking a deep breath I climbed over him so that I was straddling his hips and leaned down to kiss him. His hands moved to grip my hips lightly as he searched my eyes.

I tied my hair into a knot at the nape of my neck and smiled down on him, “It’s time Raf, I’m ready.”

“Okay,” he said huskily, “But you’re in control tonight.”

I nodded and reached my hands down to grip the hem of my t-shirt, hesitating only a second, before pulling it up and over my head leaving my breasts exposed to him. Taking his hands I moved them up my sides and over my breasts. “Please touch me,” I breathed and I could feel him hardening under me and it felt so good. He teased my nipples and ran his fingertips down my chest to my navel. I felt a rush of wetness between my legs and realized we still had on too many clothes for my liking. I pushed my knit shorts down my hips and shifted off of Raf long enough to pull them off my legs and then pull his running shorts off as well. He was hard and I was so ready at that moment I didn’t want to waste any more time being afraid of something that we had always been so good at and that had always brought us such exquisite pleasure.

I threw my leg back over him to straddle him and his hands went to my hips again. His eyes were watching me and I smiled as I lowered myself onto his hard length. The sensation of fullness was one I had missed these last months and I started rocking my hips as I tilted my head back.

“Lexi, please look at me,” Raf asked. When my eyes flickered down to his he reached a hand up to cup my cheek, “I need you to know that I’m the one inside of you. Please just keep looking at me.”

I nodded, “As long as you move with me,” I breathed.

He smiled then and slowly began thrusting up into me as I continued to rock my hips. We found our rhythm after a few minutes and I could feel everything tingling, heightening the sensations I was feeling. It wasn’t long before I felt myself starting to tighten around him and I reached for his hands holding onto my hips as I looked in his eyes. They were filled with love and desire, the same as they had always been, but it was deeper this time. More profound. We moved with each other languidly and my orgasm hit hard, I threw my head back moaning his name as he continued thrusting, and soon he was grunting my name as he came inside of me. After my breathing calmed I leaned down onto his chest, his chest hair brushing my sensitive nipples making me giggle.

Raf chuckled lightly, “That was funny?”

“No silly, that was wonderful,” I told him and braced my hands on each side of his head as I met his lips to kiss him.

He rolled us so that we were both on our sides and continued to kiss me as our hearts calmed to normal pace. I was beginning to feel whole again and my insecurity had started to drop away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have been writing this piece, trial prep, and the trial in one long document. I moved a few things around to a more logical order and am breaking it up into chapters now. This one wound up being longer than I anticipated, there will be a few more chapters posted between now and Monday. Depending on content some will be fairly short, others longer like my normal chapter updates. This one got away from me. LOL  
> This is a while from posting but my writing isn't exactly linear. What are reader preferences as far as Liv's choice of boyfriend? I happened to like Cassidy, Tucker was a more mature relationship but I could never quite swallow her being with him, obviously Barba is out, and I'm not sure I'd want to bring Elliot back. Any thoughts?


	11. The World is Pissing Me Off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda a part one.

The next few weeks flew by faster than I expected them to and before I knew it I had to start working on my testimony prep with Mike. He knew what happened, I’d told him every single detail when he ‘vetted’ me but we were getting closer to my being in the same room with Thomas Burlew. I woke up the morning of my first prep session having a panic attack, I couldn’t catch my breath and there was a rushing sound in my ears.

Raf had been in the bathroom taking a shower but when he heard me gasping for air he ran into the room with a towel around his waist his hair still dripping. “Lexi! What’s wrong? Do I need to call an ambulance?”

I shook my head vehemently and reached out to him. At that point he recognized what was happening and he sat next to me on the bed and put his arms around me.

“Shhhh Lexi, it’s okay I’ve got you,” he said into my hair as he reached up his hand on the other side of my head to place it in my hair and run his fingers over my scalp in a soothing gesture.

It took me a few minutes but my breathing slowed and the world around me returned to normal.

I patted his still wet chest with my hand, “I think I’m okay now.”

“What happened?” He curled his index finger under my chin to bring my gaze up to him.

“I’m so worked up over being in the same room with Thomas Burlew that I’ve started having panic attacks,” I laced my fingers with his and smiled sadly over at him. “This was a fairly mild one, I think because you were here to calm me down.”

He sighed and continued his ministrations to my hair, “I know you hate this idea but maybe you need to ask Dr. Lindstrom for something to help you at least until after the trial?”

Turning my head toward him I kissed him and nodded, “Yeah, I know. I’ve got an appointment with him after prep with Mike this morning.”

He took my face in his hands and kissed me again, “Good.”

Raf finished drying himself off and went to start getting dressed as I got into the shower to get ready. I chose a purple floral dress and short brown jacket with a pair of brown sling back pumps. When I walked into the kitchen I found Raf leaning back against the counter, phone in one hand scrolling, the other holding a cup of coffee to his lips. He was wearing a burgundy and white striped dress shirt, burgundy silk tie, charcoal grey dress pants and vest, and his jacket was thrown over the breakfast bar stool.

He looked up to me and smiled, “Hermosa…” His eyes met mine then swept over my frame from head to toe, then back up, “Beautiful…As always.”

My lip quirked up on the left side in a sort of half smile as I looked at him, “Thank you Raf.” I walked up and leaned into him smoothing the front of his vest and kissing his lips.

“Are you feeling better?” He asked me.

“Ah…” I made a so-so motion with my hand, “I’m faking it.”

He tried to suppress a laugh, “Okay, I’ll accept that.” He set his coffee cup down and hooked his arm around my shoulder so he could bring me slightly closer to him then he brought the other arm up to engulf me in his strong embrace, “Te amo Alexis Grace Rogers.”

“And I love you Rafael Luis Barba,” I could feel his chuckle rumbling in his chest.

We left the brownstone and Rafael drove us to the DA’s office, parking in the garage, and we walked hand in hand to Mike’s office where he kissed me squarely on the lips before leaving me in front of the door. I watched as he walked away, one hand holding his briefcase, the other with his phone held up to read something. The man had always made my heart skip a beat whenever I looked at him and that hadn’t changed.

Mike had asked Rafael not to sit in with me today so he could assess my testimony without any distractions. I opened the door to let Mike’s secretary know I was there and rather than finding her I found Mike standing outside of his door, jacket off, both hands in his pockets, and his stance relaxed. Rolling my eyes I brushed past him into his office and sat in front of his desk. He followed behind me, took in my appearance and nodded, he’d ask me while we were prepping my testimony to dress as though we were actually in court.

He sat down in his chair and opened a file on his desk, “We’re going to prep today here in my office. The next time we meet we’ll use an empty courtroom and I’ll have you sit in the witness box. Barba will sit in the gallery like he will during your actual trial testimony.”

I nodded, “Okay, that’s fine. Can I ask you a few questions about the trial though?”

“Of course,” he laid his forearms on the desk and leaned forward.

“Will I have to interact with him at all?” That was my biggest worry, due to the nature of the charges against him Burlew had been held pending trial, but I was fearful of how close he could get to me.

“Absolutely not. He will be seated at the defense table unless he’s testifying, and anytime there is a recess or adjournment he will be taken back into custody.”

“Any idea of what Buchanan has planned to turn this around on me?” I asked wringing the hem of my jacket into my hand.

Mike’s eyes had flicked to my hand, “I’m not quite sure, but knowing him he will probably try to break you on the stand to make it look to the jury like you were cheating on Barba and looking for rough sex.”

I dropped the corner of my jacket and smoothed it out, “I’m expecting that.”

“Is that a nervous habit?”

“What?” I was confused.

“I’ve noticed you pulling on your clothing a few times that we’ve met. You’ll need to find something else to do with your hands when you’re testifying. Hold them together in your lap preferably. Any appearance of nervousness can be misinterpreted by the jury to indicate you might be lying,” he told me.

My mouth dropped open and I swallowed hard, “I’m not lying Mike. I didn’t want this…”

He held a hand up and shook his head, “I know that Lexi. I’m telling you what it might look like to people that don’t know you. Buchanan will use that as well.”

“Okay,” I said quietly dropping my eyes.

“Don’t make yourself sound meek either,” he instructed.

“Anything else?” I snapped.

His eyes snapped to mine. “Calm down Lexi. I’m not the enemy here,” Mike told me.

I took a deep breath, “I know Mike. I woke up this morning having a panic attack, worried about being in the same room with Burlew. I’m a little on edge.”

He’d clasped his hands together on top of his desk, “Okay…what are you planning to do about that?”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, “You’re an asshole Mike.”

That made him laugh, “So I’ve been told on more than one occasion.”

“I see Dr. Lindstrom at 11a.m., I plan on asking him for something to help my nerves until after the trial is over.”

“Okay,” he had picked up his pen and was spinning it in his hand. “I know you don’t like me much right now, but I need to be sure you read well to the jury during your testimony and that you’re ready for cross.”

I just gave him a dirty look.

“Are you ready to go over your testimony then?” He asked moving his pen to the tablet in front of him.

“Yes, you jerk.”

After Mike and I were done it was only 9:30a.m. and I didn’t have to leave to walk to Dr. Lindstrom’s office until 10:30a.m. so I went downstairs to Raf’s office.

Carmen was at her desk and she smiled when I walked in. “Mr. Barba is in his office, go on in.”

I walked in and found Raf sitting on the side of the couch closest to the door, his left ankle over his right knee. He had a file open next to him and a tablet he was writing in set on his left knee. He looked up and moved the file so I could sit down, once I was settled with my thigh touching his and my right leg tucked under me he used my lap to rest his open file on.

“You okay?” He asked while writing, keeping his eyes focused on what he was doing.

“Not really, Mike’s an asshole,” I told him honestly.

Raf chuckled at that, “He texted me a few minutes ago that you’d probably say that.” He glanced my way with a raised eyebrow before returning to what he was doing. “Why is he an asshole? Aside from the obvious.”

I sighed melodramatically, “He told me I sounded meek and that I needed to find something to do with my hands.”

He shrugged slightly, “It’s the same thing I tell victims and witnesses in my cases Lexi.”

“You’re supposed to be on my side,” I huffed at him.

Reaching his left hand over he picked up my right hand, brought it to his lips, and kissed my knuckles before setting it back down, “I am on your side mi alma, but I can’t testify for you. And neither can Cutter.”

I rolled my eyes even though he couldn’t see it, “I realize that. He just got on my nerves.”

His lips twitched up in a slow smile, “I figured that.” Looking at me he touched his pen to his lips, I leaned toward him and kissed him. “Unfortunately, I have to get over to the Courthouse for an arraignment. But call me after your appointment?”

I nodded and he picked up his file and tablet. Stuffing them in his briefcase I hadn’t seen sitting at his feet he stood up to put on and button his jacket.

“Te amo Hermosa,” he told me as he walked out of his office.

We’d spent many an hour in his office like this and I had missed that over the last few months. Either we’d both be working on files, or he’d be doing something for a case and I’d just sit there with him talking to him or reading. As much time as we both spent working any small amounts of time we could catch together, even like this meant something. With everything happening I’d spent more time away from him than I was used to.

After he left I sat there and stewed another 30 minutes before I got up and started walking to my appointment. When I got to Dr. Lindstrom’s office I was about 15 minutes early so I took a seat in his outer office and waited.

It wasn’t long before he opened his door and motioned me into his office. He sat down in his chair with a tablet on his knee and pen in his hand, and I sat in one of the chairs across from him.

“Hello Alexis, and how are you today?”

I rolled my eyes to my hairline, “Pissed off at the world.”

He smiled, “That is a normal part of your recovery. Why are you feeling that way today?”

Leaning my head back in the seat I stared at the ceiling, “Well, to start I woke up this morning having a mild panic attack.”

Dr. Lindstrom looked speculative, “You haven’t mentioned that before. Is this new?”

“Actually, just since our last session. With the trial looming I’ve been anxious about being in the same room as Thomas Burlew. It’s making it hard to sleep,” I knew I had to be honest, both with him and myself.

He tilted his head and studied me, “We’ve talked about medication before and you’ve refused. If I suggest a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication would you consider it now?”

I reluctantly nodded, “Yes, for a month. That will get me through the trial and then I can manage.”

Nodding his head, he made some notes on the tablet resting in his lap, “So tell me how your preparations for trial are coming along.”

“Mike, the prosecutor, is confidant. I met with him in his office today before coming here. I left more pissed off than already was.”

Dr. Lindstrom just watched and waited me out. I knew I wasn’t going to get away with being cryptic.

“I guess I’ve developed this habit of pulling on the bottom of my jacket when I’m uncomfortable,” I told him.

He nodded, “I’ve noticed you doing it here.”

“Well he told me I needed to find something else to do with my hands because it could give the jury the impression I was lying. And then when I agreed with him he told me I couldn’t sound meek.”

“As unfair as it may feel I’m afraid your prosecutor is correct. A person’s nervous habits, no matter how innocent or understandable to one who knows them, can be misunderstood by those unfamiliar with that person,” he explained.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes, “I do understand that. I think I’m just already starting to feel persecuted. It’s not fair that victims of rape have to PROVE they didn’t want to be raped. I keep worrying and wondering what the defense attorney is going to ask me, or how he’s going to try to spin this around to blame me. I’m worried what the jury and people in the gallery are going to think of me.”

“Understandable concerns. Just remember that no matter what happens before, during, or after the trial, you know what happened and that you’re telling the truth. What other people think doesn’t define you,” he reminded me.

He was right and I knew it. I had always been a very self-assured and confidant woman. Well to be fair in everything but with respect to my own worthiness of Rafael’s love. In that I had always harbored some doubts that maybe I really wasn’t good enough, I was starting to turn that around though. Outside of that I’d never cared what anyone else thought of me, whether other people liked me. “That’s easy to say. Harder to accept.”

“It will take time, everything within your recovery is a process.”

“Then why do I feel like in some things I’m moving forward, but others I’m moving back?” I asked seriously.

“Where do you feel you’re moving forward?”

“Raf and I talked about my insecurity surrounding his sudden willingness to show affection toward me in public. That led to our being intimate,” I told him absently pulling the hem of my jacket into my hand but when his eyes flicked to my hand I dropped it.

“So, you felt ready to resume your intimate relationship?”

“In that moment I did, as long as I was in control,” I replied and put my hands flat on my thighs.

“Have you ever felt like you didn’t have control during intimate exchanges with Rafael?”

I shook my head and smiled, “Never. Even before he prosecuted sex crimes Rafael has always made it clear I was ultimately in control. Anytime I ever asked him to stop or slow down he always has with no questions asked and no hurt feelings. But maybe control is the wrong word, right now I’m okay as long as I’m in charge. But it’s one aspect of our lives where I prefer him to be in charge. I want to feel comfortable with that again.”

Dr. Lindstrom was nodding, “Perhaps as you continue to resume that part of your relationship you should establish a safeword to allow you more comfort in Rafael taking charge.” He looked at me to assure I acknowledged his words and continued, “So that is where you feel you’re moving forward, where do you feel you’re moving backwards?”

“Well mostly just in how I’m reacting to things related to the trial. Just when I think I’ve accepted something, the next minute I’m back to being upset about it,” I relayed. I was trying very hard to keep my hands still. “And then there’s this,” I gestured with my hands, “I never used to pick at my clothes or feel so out of sorts if I didn’t have something to do with my hands.”

“It’s a coping mechanism Alexis, and perfectly normal as long as it’s not destructive.”

My session was over sooner than I expected and I left Dr. Lindstrom’s office with a prescription for .25mg Xanax to take as I needed it. I wasn’t happy about it but knew I needed help at this point. I stepped out of my shoes as I walked out of Dr. Lindstrom’s office and picked them up by the back strap as I started walking to the pharmacy. Pulling my phone from my purse I dialed Rafael who picked up on the first ring.

“Hello mi alma,” his soothing baritone answered.

“Hey Raf, I’m walking to the pharmacy now.”

He was quiet a minute, “I don’t hear the click clack of your heels, are you walking the streets of Manhattan barefoot again?”

I cringed, he was always getting on me about that so I’d gotten in the habit of bringing my running shoes with me anywhere I went, “To be fair I’m on the sidewalk, not the street.” I moved away from foot traffic, and pulled them out of my bag to put them on before I continued walking.

He snorted, “Not the point Lexi. Do you have anything planned for tonight?”

“No,” I told him pausing outside of the pharmacy. “I was just going to watch some trash TV until you get home.”

I heard an amused chuckle at that, “Liv wants us to have dinner and drinks with herself and Brian tonight at Flannery’s.”

Wow, this was progress. Flannery’s was where I met Liv, it was a nice bar, decent food, Karaoke on Wednesday and Thursday nights, a small stage for a band, and a small dance floor. And it was Wednesday, not that I’d ever get Raf to sing. “Okay, that sounds really fun.”

“Te amo Hermosa.”

“I love you too Raf.”

I was ecstatic, with everything going on we hadn’t actually been out since January. We really only ever went to dinner or the theater outside of Manhattan, when there were formal events that the DA’s office attended Raf usually went solo. This would be new for us, and I was really looking forward to it.


	12. Family Is What You Make It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the sorta part 2.
> 
> Sorry everyone, for some reason this chapter got corrupted and I had to delete it and Chapter 13 and repost both. If all you could read of the groups night out were the texts between Lexi and Liv and Lexi and Amanda that cut off you might want to read again.

When I got home I changed into a pair of jean leggings and a light gray t-shirt that read ‘I’M WITH FRICK AND FRACK’ and there was a left pointing arrow under frick and a right pointing arrow under frack. I’d waited nearly a year for a chance to wear the t-shirt and I was taking full advantage.

I was sitting on the couch watching reality TV and painting my toenails a metallic teal when my phone pinged. Picking it up I saw I had a text from Liv.

_Liv: We’ll meet you at Flannery’s around 6. I still can’t believe Barba agreed!_

I rolled my eyes, I knew how she felt.

_Me: Sounds great!! Yeah, I think it’s part of his new mission to make sure I know how much he loves me._

_Liv: That’s sweet. I told Brian he had to do bad karaoke._

_Me: ROFLAMO Does he even sing?_

_Liv: Only in the shower and very badly._

I only wished I could get Raf to sing, he had a beautiful voice but would only every sing O Holy Night for his mother and grandmother at Christmas in their church.

_Me: This should be fun. See you at 6._

I unpaused the show I was watching and got through another few minutes before my phone pinged again with a text from Amanda.

_Amanda: Liv told me y’all are going to Flannery’s with her and Brian tonight. Mind if Nick and I tag along?_

That could be bad if the two of them couldn’t keep their emotions in check. I knew there was something going on with them but they had to keep it quiet or risk their jobs. So I decided to be honest with her and hope she didn’t get pissed off.

_Me: Of course I don’t mind. But you guys have to keep your hands to yourselves._

It was probably a full five minutes before my phone pinged again.

_Amanda: How did you know?_

_Me: I know you Amanda. And detectives aren’t the only ones trained to detect. I was trained by one of the best at that._

_Amanda: Just don’t tell Liv, she’d have to tell Cragen._

_Me: You know better than that._

_Amanda: :)_ _I know but had to say it. See y’all later then._

This was really going to be an interesting night.

Raf made it home at 5, changed out of his suit into a pair of dark jeans and a forest green polo shirt that brought the green in his eyes out. I had put on my black boots with the buckles on them and shoved my ID and credit card inside my right boot. When he came back down the stairs I walked up to him, smoothed the fabric over his toned chest and kissed him. His arms came around me and he deepened the kiss. I was feeling tingly when he pulled away.

“Keep that up and we won’t get out of the house tonight and I know you’re looking forward to this,” he held me at arm’s length.

I beamed at him and we waited for the cab he called to get there to pick us up. When we got to Flannery’s Liv and Brian were already seated at a table somewhat off to the side of the bar. Raf sat down next to Brian and I sat to Raf’s right side. Karaoke didn’t start until 7p.m. and the jukebox was playing decent classic rock music.

“Amanda and Nick will be here in a little bit, she had to go home to walk Frannie,” Liv told us.

Brian was eating pretzels that were sitting in a bowl on the table, “Liv ordered a scotch and red wine for you guys, and we ordered a bunch of different appetizers for all of us to share.”

“Sounds good, I’m starving,” I said snatching a few of the pretzels and grinning at Brian when his eyebrow rose.

The waitress brought our drinks, Brian and Liv had a pitcher of beer, and she dropped Raf’s scotch and my wine in front of us too. “Appetizers will be out as they’re ready,” she winked at Brian.

He simply shook his head and leaned forward to pour some beer into glasses for him and Liv and handed one to her. She smiled at him and leaned over to kiss him, leaning her head onto his shoulder, and he kissed the top of her head. It was nice to finally see her in a relationship with someone who respected and supported her, she deserved to be happy.

Raf had leaned back in his chair with his right ankle over his left knee leaning my way and rested his arm over the back of my chair, and I had curled my left hand around his right thigh. I watched Raf as he listened to Brian and Liv talking about funny things that happened in cases over the years. He was relaxed and smiling, even laughing here and there at things that were being said. It was nice to see him enjoying himself and being the Raf I knew and loved rather than aloof and on edge like he always was before when we’d gone out somewhere. Granted he was mostly listening, but I knew it would be some time before he’d be completely comfortable with the changes he was making.

I happened to be looking up when Amanda and Nick walked in and saw him drop her hand quickly. Crap, I just hoped they could keep it under wraps. When they made it to our table Nick sat to my right and Amanda sat between him and Liv.

Nick read my t-shirt and laughed, “How did I manage to snag Frack?”

Raf sat forward and looked at my t-shirt and rolled his eyes, “Great, that makes me Frick.”

Liv, Amanda, and I started laughing hysterically.

Wiping the tears from my eyes I looked between them, “Well it’s kind of appropriate.”

Neither of them looked very happy and I didn’t think either one would appreciate me reminding them they were both Cuban hot heads.

There were a few people on the dance floor when James Taylor’s _You’ve Got a Friend_ started playing.

Nick held out his hand toward me, “Dance with me Lexi?”

I looked over to Raf who had a very amused look on his face, “You don’t need my permission, mi alma.”

I took Nick’s offered hand and let him lead me onto the dance floor. He put a hand on my waist and held my other hand but maintained a comfortable distance between us.

“What’s up Nick? You’re still too young for me,” I was looking at him with a half-smile on my face.

He laughed at that, “Wasn’t going to try to get you away from Barba. Amanda said you know…”

I squeezed his shoulder where my other hand rested, “Stop Nick. Yes, I know, but it’s not my place to tell anyone. Just be careful. I saw you holding her hand when you first walked in.”

“Shit, did Liv or Cassidy see?”

“No, they weren’t facing the door,” I reassured him.

“Thanks Lexi.”

“No need for thanks. And besides, dancing with you gives me ammunition to get Raf out here as well. And now if you were to ask Amanda to dance it won’t look suspicious,” I told him.

He grinned, “True.”

We danced through the song and when we got back to the table I winked at Amanda. Raf had dropped his right foot to the floor and I put an arm around his shoulders and chose to sit on his right thigh with my legs between his. He reached his arm around my waist with his hand resting just under my shirt so his fingers could tickle my flesh there. While Nick and I were dancing the waitress had dropped off a bunch of appetizers and I picked up a greasy onion ring and took a bite.

I rolled my eyes to the back of my head and groaned, “Almost better than sex.”

I felt Raf vibrating with laughter and realized I’d said that out loud.

“Crap on a cracker, sorry,” I mumbled around the hot onion in my mouth.

“That’s okay, Liv tells me that chocolate is better than an orgasm,” Brian offered.

Liv turned as many shades of red as were possible, “You’re going to pay for that Cassidy.”

“Well I happen to agree Liv,” Amanda said stuffing a french fry in her mouth.

I saw Nick’s eyes cut to Amanda and my foot slipped and happened to meet his shin, he winced but got the hint.

Brian leaned forward and rubbed his hands together, “So who’s in for bad karaoke with me tonight?”

“Oh no, not me,” Nick declined.

“I’m in,” Amanda offered.

Liv was laughing, “No way Brian, I told you that you had to do bad karaoke, not that I was doing it with you.”

Brian looked to Raf who just raised an eyebrow and gave him an ‘Are you kidding me’ look.

Shaking my head I looked at Amanda, “I’ll sing with her. You’re all on your own Cassidy.”

Everyone was laughing and enjoying the food and company. _I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing_ by Aerosmith came on the speakers and Raf held up his hand for me to take, this was our song as corny as it was and as strange as it may seem for us. We stood and he led me out onto the dance floor pulling me in close to him and moving with the song. It was a sin just how incredibly sexy he was when he was relaxed. After a minute of just enjoying the peace I felt in Raf’s arms I opened my eyes and saw Brian and Liv as well as Nick and Amanda dancing which made me smile even more. It was good to be able to go out in public with friends and not worry about who saw what.

We returned to our table and finished our appetizers. I ordered another glass of wine, Raf another scotch, and Brian ordered two more pitchers of beer for the rest of them. After 7 o’clock and a few bad karaoke singers Brian made his way up to the stage and started singing Garth Brooks _Friends in Low Places_ all the while pointing at the five of us at the table. When he was done and made his way back to us Liv leaned over and kissed him while she was laughing.

Raf clapped Brian on the back, “Don’t quit your day job Cassidy.”

“No worries, I don’t think people would pay for the sound of a dying cat,” he said sarcastically taking a drink of his beer.

Amanda looked at me, “Okay, looks like we’re up.”

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” I told her when she grabbed my hand and pulled me to the stage.

She started scrolling through songs and discarding one after the other and finally settled on _I Kissed a Girl_ by Katy Perry. My eyes must have bugged out of my head but she had it going before I could even protest. She had a surprisingly good voice and we actually didn’t sound half bad, we even danced close to each other pretending to kiss during the first line of the last chorus. When it was over we were laughing as we walked back to our table. Nick was stunned and Raf had an odd smile on his face.

Nick shook himself out of his daze, “You’re scary Amanda.”

She humphed as she took her seat, “I just like to have a little harmless fun.”

Brian was smiling behind his glass of beer, “So…you kissed a girl, did you like it?” Liv’s eyes winged up to her hairline and she swatted him on the chest. He set his glass down, and pulled her into him laughing the entire time, “What? They started it.”

She just rolled her eyes at him and laughed. Then she turned to me with a more serious expression, “Since we’re all here with the trial only 11 days away now I wanted to let you know that we all support you. We’ll be in the gallery with you during trial as soon as we can be. I know better than some of you how tough things are going to be but you’re strong Lexi and you have us and Barba on your side.”

I looked at the man in question whose expression was unreadable but I could see the love in his eyes and that was all I needed to see.

Liv raised her glass toward me, “To Lexi, I love you my friend.”

The rest of them raised their glasses and said something appropriate to their relationship with me.

Raf raised his glass to me while looking in my eyes, “Te amo mi alma.”

When we made our way home that night my heart was full knowing I had the support of people who really did care about me. Having grown up in the family I did, where your worth was measured strictly by what you could provide, I never knew what it was like to have people that really care about me. When I made it to medical school I was even more distanced from people in general. Then when I met Raf and found a kindred spirit in him, falling instantly in love, I started to realize that not everyone looked at me as a means to an end. Through the years I had known some wonderful people and finally realized that family isn’t always about what you were born to, sometimes it was the people you picked up along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The trial is coming up. I may post another, very short, chapter next and then break the trial into two.


	13. And Suddenly It's Real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry everyone, for some reason Chapter 12 got corrupted and I had to delete it and this one and repost both. If all you could read of the groups night out were the texts between Lexi and Liv and Lexi and Amanda that cut off you might want to read again. I'll post this note again when I post chapter 14 just in case someone who's already ready 12/13 missed it. Sorry again!!

The next week when I went to meet with Mike to do our final prep Rafael came with me for moral support. I had chosen to wear a black sleeveless dress with a slightly flared skirt and scoop neckline and burgundy peep toe pumps. Rafael had on a chocolate brown three-piece suit, white dress shirt, and a mustard colored tie. Mike was running late so Raf and I just went to the courtroom Mike had said we were using for prep. When he got there I was sitting at the prosecutors table and Raf was pacing in front of it.

“Are you ready?” He set his briefcase on the table and pulled out a leather notebook which he opened and laid on the table.

I just nodded.

“Okay, go ahead and sit in the witness box. I’m going to ask you to describe the details of the rape. Then we’ll move on to other questions which I may or may not ask you at trial depending on cross,” he explained.

I stood to walk to the witness box, but Raf stopped me midway to take my hands and squeeze them before kissing my forehead. He moved to sit in the 3rd chair of the jury box.

Mike sat behind the prosecution table, “Dr. Rogers, would you please tell the jury what happened when you arrived at Rafael Barba’s apartment on the night in question?”

And I described every little detail again to Mike. He’d read the report and heard the details from me three or four times by then, but this was different. I was actually sitting in the witness box preparing to give my actual testimony in five days. It was overwhelming and I was starting to feel hot but the Xanax helped immensely. I was calmer, and didn’t feel out of control or feel the need to pull and pick at my clothing. If I did Raf had suggested I either take a sip of water or move one of my hands to rest on the edge of the chair I would be sitting in. I also wasn’t feeling the need to run despite my discomfort.

“Lexi, do you need a break?” Mike broke my train of thought. At some point he’d stood up to direct his questions from a few feet away.

I shook my head slightly, “Sorry, I was just realizing how real this is now.”

I saw Raf tilt his head slightly, he’d been sitting with his feet propped up in front of him with his arms crossed over his chest.

Mike glanced his way briefly then looked back to me, “What do you mean?”

I gestured around me, “We’re sitting in a courtroom, I’m in the witness box. Until now it just felt like I was going through the motions. Now it feels real. I know I’ve sat in a witness box and testified a multitude of times but…” I just couldn’t find the words to describe how I was feeling.

“It’s different when it’s about your own assault,” Mike finished for me.

Raf was just watching the exchange quietly which was very unusual for him. Even during the Grand Jury prep he’d had something to say, but this time he was just observing.

“Yeah, it is,” I took a sip of water and motioned to Mike that I was ready to continue.

He went through a round of questions about my injuries, and issues that were meant to prove I had nothing to hide and that this was a rape and not a consensual sexual encounter that I later regretted. Once we were through he leaned back on the prosecution table and looked hard at me.

“I have to ask one more time, are you absolutely sure there is nothing in your past you haven’t told me that could come up during trial and hurt your case?”

As much as it was pissing me off that he asked me that yet again, I understood why. I’d seen more than one of Raf’s cases fall apart because the victim hid some detail they found embarrassing or that they didn’t want known to the public. I didn’t want that happening for my case any more than Mike did.

“No Mike. There is nothing in my past or sexual history that I haven’t told you.” Except one I thought, and I was starting to doubt the prudence of keeping that from him. What if it became pertinent?

I heard Raf’s phone ping and looked over to where he was furiously typing and had dropped his feet to the floor. He stood up and walked over to where I sat.

“I’m sorry Lexi, I have to go over to SVU,” he kissed me and ran a finger over my cheek. “Te amo.”

I smiled at him, “It’s okay, go. I’m fine. Really. I love you too.”

He and Mike exchanged a look and he left the courtroom.

“Ah Mike…” He turned to face me. “What if a rape victim’s sexual history consisted of only one partner. Could that be relevant?” I had the urge to pull on my skirt and laid my hands flat on my thighs.

His eyes crinkled as he watched me, “It could, depending on how the defense paints her during cross, but is probably something that would only come up on redirect. Why do you ask?”

My eyes met his, “In this case can you not bring that up unless absolutely necessary?”

“Are you telling me that is the case here?” He asked.

I shrugged, “You just inferred it.”

He shook his head and sighed, “I really don’t understand female logic. Can I also infer that Barba doesn’t know and that’s why you’re being so cryptic?”

“You could.”

This time he gave me a disapproving look, “I don’t really see the need for subterfuge Lexi. It’s not something to be embarrassed or ashamed of.”

“I know that. I just never wanted it to be something Rafael ever felt like I used against him.”

He held up a hand, “Okay, I don’t need or want to pursue that conversation. Unless I need it during redirect I will not bring it up.”

“Thank you, Mike,” I gave him a genuine smile at that point.

It might not make sense to him or anyone else, but I had always felt like outright telling Rafael I’d never been with anyone but him was a way of trapping him. Almost like I’d be saying, ‘You’re the only man I’ve been with, I’ve been loyal to you when Yelina wasn’t, you have to stay with me now’. I wanted him to stay because he loved me. I know it all sounded ridiculous but it made sense in my head.

Mike and I were done preparing and I was as ready as I could be. The days flew at that point and it was Sunday night before I realized it. The trial started the next morning and Raf had suggested we spend the night at home together so I could relax, keep my mind calm, and get to bed early. I had made dinner for us and we sat on the couch watching _Aliens_. As always he was working on a file but I was cuddled into his left side with his arm around me and had a bowl of popcorn tucked between us.

“You know you were awfully quiet when we were with Mike for my trial prep,” I told him stuffing some of the popcorn in my mouth.

“Hmmmm…Cutter was very specific that if I opened my mouth he would ban me from the courtroom gallery by putting me in arraignments all week,” he said while flipping a page in his file and continuing to write. “What is this?”

He showed me the file he was working on and pointed to a word. Pheochromocytoma.

“It’s a rare adrenal gland tumor that can cause episodes of high blood pressure,” I explained.

“Defense is claiming a brain tumor made him rape a woman.”

I laughed and shook my head, “He’s using the Hatfield McCoy defense? Not likely, and it’s not a brain tumor either. But they have been known to cause violent outbursts in people where there are a multitude of other factors present.”

He nodded and went back to writing, “I’m going to want you to do a complete medical review on this one for me after we get through next week. Defense wants me to deal down to forcible touching. I’m not inclined to offer anything less than rape 2 but I need to know how this will sound to a jury.”

“I can do that,” I told him and scooted down on the couch so I could rest my head on his shoulder.

He kissed the top of my head, “Thank you Lexi.”

I tilted my head back to look at him, “For what?”

“Being my sounding board. Helping me with the medical issues on cases whenever I ask. Loving me. Never giving up on me even when I was a complete ass. Being you. I love you Lexi,” his eyes met mine and he smiled at me before returning to his writing.

“I love you too Rafael,” I told him and went back to watching the movie and eating my popcorn.

My heart was light, I felt safe and knew Rafael had been right all along. We would make it through this together but it was going to be a week of hell and surprises none of us were expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next few chapters are the trial. I'm writing it in one piece and then breaking it up but I'm not quite done writing and editing the entirety of it so the next update may not be until Friday.


	14. And It Begins...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post this piece early. Enjoy.

The morning of the trial I woke up at 5a.m. unable to sleep any longer. Raf was still asleep, his alarm wouldn’t wake him for another hour. Heading into our bathroom I turned the water in the shower on to a soothing warmth. I walked back to the bedroom and dropped my t-shirt and panties into the hamper in the closet then looking at my side I chose a burgundy knit shirt dress with a black belt and my black Mary Janes. When I walked back out into the bedroom I could see Raf was still asleep with his right arm over his eyes. The shower was steamy by then and I climbed in and stood under the water for at least ten minutes with my hands on the tile leaning my forehead against it steeling myself for what I had to do that day. It was scary, I hated that I had to do it, but I was going to stand up for myself. There were a lot of women out there whose situations were so much worse than mine.

I took my time getting ready, trying to prolong the inevitable. The only makeup I wore was a brown mascara so my eyes wouldn’t look quite so pale. My hair wasn’t cooperating with me and I rolled it up in my bun clip at least 5 times before I was satisfied and finally secured it. When I was dressed and ready to go Raf was just getting up. His bare back was to me as he stretched with his arms over his head, all he wore was a pair of Harvard sweat pants. I was lucky he was mine. He was handsome, fit, smart, and the sweetest most loving man I could ask for.

When he turned around and saw me standing there he smiled and my heart skipped a beat. His hair was mussed from sleep and he had a 5 o’clock shadow on his jaw. I was forever begging him not to shave and once in a while he would indulge me on the weekends since there wasn’t a possibility he would have to go to court.

I walked up to him and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly and running his hands over my back. “Good morning mi alma, I’m guessing you were up early and couldn’t fall back asleep?”

“Yeah, my brain woke up and started talking to me at 5 so I just started getting ready,” I told him. “I figured while you were in the shower I’d make some omelets and toast.”

He released me and when he stepped back he brushed the loose strands of hair I wore as bangs out of my eyes, “You don’t have to be available until 9, we’ll just be waiting in my office until Cutter calls to tell me Voir Dire is complete. Why don’t we go to that diner you like near the courthouse for breakfast?”

“Alright, that sounds good actually,” I kissed him then and gave him the brightest smile I could.

Rafael placed a hand on each side of my face, “You are a strong, confidant woman. You never back down from a challenge, and you are the bravest woman I know. I’m here with you. Always.”

I nodded, “I know, I’m just a little nervous. I’ll be alright.”

Smiling then he kissed me and went to the closet to gather his clothes for the day and I headed downstairs to wait for him. I sat on the couch reading Terry Brooks’ _Sword of Shannara_ to clear my mind. He came downstairs in a steel grey suit, white dress shirt, and was just tying a purple paisley tie around his neck. There was even a light blue pocket square stuck in his left jacket pocket.

“My handsome ADA,” I smiled at him, and stood from the couch dropping my book onto the arm.

His face actually turned just a little red as he closed the distance between us while he finished tying the tie, “You always say that. And I always tell you that you could do better, but I’m lucky I fast talked you into falling in love with me.”

I knocked his hands away from his tie and finished adjusting it for him, “There was no fast talking Rafael Barba. I fell in love with you the moment you looked into my eyes the first time.”

“Hmmmm, my powers of mental persuasion must be slipping then. I can never do that to a jury and get them to do what I want,” he deadpanned at me.

Rolling my eyes at him I picked up my purse, tucked the book into it, and looked around the living room seeing the mix of the life Rafael and I had built. I was really hoping this would be the end of my nightmare, I just wanted to get past the trial and move on from this. Liv had told me that things got harder for her after Lewis’ trial. I knew that was a possibility and was as prepared for it as I could be. But I was determined that I wasn’t going to live in fear even if Burlew got off.

When I looked back to Rafael he had his hand held out to me, I took it and he pulled me into his embrace. We just stood there for a few minutes holding each other, and I took strength from the fact that his love was unconditional and he always supported me in everything even if we didn’t agree on something. He released me and laced his fingers with mine then brought my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it before picking up his briefcase and walking with me to our car. I sat quietly looking out the window as Raf drove us to the garage below the DA’s building and parked the car. Once again he took my hand and laced his fingers with mine as we walked from the garage to the diner and sat in a booth near the back. My stomach was nervous but I didn’t want to be starved by the time my testimony came around so I ordered a Belgian waffle and water. It would at least keep my stomach from grumbling until we broke for lunch but not unsettle it. Raf ordered a Spanish omelet and toast, and of course coffee. Though I wasn’t sure who he was going to run his mouth at that day.

Our food came and I picked at my waffle, my appetite had waned for the waffle by that point. Raf as always had a healthy appetite and ate his omelet while scrolling through his phone, flicking his eyes up to me periodically.

“Hermosa, you need to eat,” he waved his fork at me.

“I know, I am,” I told him while cutting my waffle into small bites and stuffing one in my mouth, smiling with my lips curled over my teeth while chewing it.

He grinned warmly and laughed, “Okay, Jim Carrey impression. On my girlfriend. Lovely.”

That made me giggle.

His eyes twinkled and he picked up his napkin to wipe his mouth when his phone pinged. Looking at it he frowned. “It’s Cutter. He says Buchanan has requested a motion to dismiss because…” he said something I couldn’t catch in Spanish then looked at me and I could see the agitation in the way his brows furrowed. “His client says he didn’t have sex with you, Dr. Rogers, he had sex with my girlfriend.”

I started to get angry, “I DID NOT have sex with him Rafael.”

He held up a hand and gave me a ‘come on’ look, “I know that and so does Mike, what he did was rape. But Buchanan’s client isn’t going to admit to rape so he’s going to try to say it was consensual.”

“Fucking bastard.”

That made Rafael’s head snap up to look at me, I rarely cursed, and almost never in public.

I stuffed more of my waffle in my mouth to avoid any further nasty commentary.

His phone pinged again. “The judge isn’t buying it, she’s rejected the motion.”

“Who is the judge?” With all of the preparations going on I was sure it had been mentioned at some point, but I has missed it and didn’t have a clue who was presiding over my case.

“Elana Barth,” he told me. “They’re starting Voir Dire now.”

“At least she likes me,” I said, Judge Barth and I had a few conversations not related to my testimony in her courtroom on prior cases. She was extremely nice, and I felt she was very fair overall in how she handled her courtroom. I felt it bode well for me that she was the judge for my case and was thankful it wasn’t a male judge. That probably would have made me even more uncomfortable than I already was.

“She thinks I’m a showboating ass,” he told me.

“Hmmmmm…well, you are, but you’re so good at it,” I told him with a straight face as I finally finished my waffle.

He dropped his chin slightly and just looked at me with a raised eyebrow as he waved to the waitress to bring our check. After paying for our meals we walked hand in hand over to his office where we found Carmen behind her desk typing away.

She looked surprised to see us when we walked in, “I didn’t think you’d be in during office hours this week.”

Rafael accepted a stack of case files from her, “I probably won’t be except when the judge recesses Lexi’s case so don’t schedule anything for me. If someone needs to reach me they can email or text me and I’ll respond as soon as I can. SVU knows where to find me if it’s an emergency.”

Carmen nodded as we walked into Raf’s office and I plopped down in the middle of his couch. Raf sat behind his desk and started to read through the files Carmen had given him. I could only sit still for a few minutes before I had to get up and I started pacing around his office.

“You’re going to wear a hole in the carpet,” Raf quipped from his chair with a smirk.

“If you haven’t yet I’m sure I won’t. I’m not hopped on coffee running a million miles a millisecond,” I threw back at him.

That got an amused laugh out of him, “Fair enough.”

I paced for another 20 minutes around his office and then opened his door and started pacing the hallway outside of his office for a while. I’d lost track of how long I’d been pacing around when Carmen poked her head out of Rafael’s door while I was coming back down the hall. She had a cup in her hand which she held out to me.

“Peppermint tea with honey,” she said with a smile.

I accepted the cup from her and gave her a sincere smile, “Thank you Carmen.”

“Of course, Dr. Rogers,” Carmen smiled at me again before returning to her desk.

I walked back into Raf’s office sipping my tea and his eyes flicked up to me. He wore a highly-amused expression. “Just don’t say it,” I told him rolling my eyes.

“I wasn’t going to say a word Hermosa.”

I sat back on the couch and set my cup on the table in front of me, then pulled my book out of my purse and started reading again. Over the next few hours I paced Rafael’s office and the halls, rode the elevator a few times aimlessly, and periodically sat and read my book. Rafael continued to review the files Carmen had given him and occasionally watching me. It was almost noon and I was walking back into his office after a round of pacing when his phone pinged.

He lifted his eyes to mine then picked up his phone to check the message. “It’s Cutter. The jury is impaneled and Judge Barth has recessed for lunch. He wants you at the courthouse ready to testify at 2 when court resumes.”

I felt like my stomach dropped to my toes and I just stood there. A million things were running through my mind and not a single one slowed down long enough for me to ponder long on it.

“Lexi are you alright?” Raf’s voice broke through my thoughts.

I sucked in a deep breath, closed my eyes, and expelled the breath slowly and deliberately before opening my eyes and meeting his gaze. “I really am. No matter what happens with this trial I have your love and support, we have the life we built together, I have wonderful friends, and a job I’m proud of. I am strong. This will be hard but I will be okay.”

He stood up and came around his desk, when I met his gaze his eyes were teary, “I am proud of you Lexi.”

His arms came around me and I felt safe and loved. “I love you Raf,” I said into his chest.

“Te amo mi alma.” Leaning back from me he cupped my face in his hands and kissed me tenderly. He leaned his forehead on mine for a second and grasped my hands before stepping back from me.

“Can we go get some lunch?” I asked him with a slightly embarrassed smile. “Suddenly I’m starving.”

“We can do whatever you want,” he told me.

We opted to walk to a restaurant near the courthouse he sometimes went to eat at during the day and were able to enjoy our lunch without any stress. I had steeled my nerves and told myself I was going to make it through this without any major emotional meltdowns regardless of how Buchanan tried to paint me. Rafael was holding my hand as we walked up the courthouse steps. The press was there and Cutter was telling them that there was never a circumstance where it was okay to brutalize a woman in any way and that the State would be gaining justice for me and putting Thomas Burlew away for life. Buchanan was standing at the top of the steps looking down at us with what I could only describe as a slimy smile on his face. He started to open his mouth to say something but Rafael steered us away from him and Mike moved up alongside of me.

“Save it for cross counselor,” Mike told him firmly.

We made it inside the courthouse and through security without any issues and rode the elevator to the floor where the courtroom was located. Stepping off the elevator we found Liv, Amanda, Fin, and Nick all standing around the hallway. I was and wasn’t surprised to see them, Amanda and Liv were witnesses in my case and I didn’t think they were coming until they were needed for testimony. Fin and Nick were a total surprise, they weren’t witnesses and I didn’t think they were be there.

My mouth was open but wasn’t forming words as I looked to each of them. When I finally found my voice it came out a little shaky, “What are all of you doing here? I didn’t expect to see any of you yet.” Raf let go of my hand as each of them hugged me.

“You’re family Doc, we’re here to support you,” Fin told me as he gave me a bear hug.

Liv smiled at me, “Fin and Amaro are going in with Barba now. Amanda and I will be there after we each testify.”

“I…uh…don’t really know what to say. I didn’t expect all of you to be here to support me, but it means more than you realize,” I told them sincerely.

Mike was looking at his watch, “Time for me to get in there. Buchanan and I will do our opening statements and then I will call you as my first witness. The Baliff will come out to get you once I call you.” He looked to me to make sure I understood his instruction and once I nodded at him he turned to the courtroom door and went in. We saw Buchanan coming off of the elevator and walking toward us with the same sick smile on his face.

He looked to me, “Dr. Rogers I see you brought the Mod Squad.”

Rafael had subtly moved so that he was standing between myself and Buchanan and was standing in what appeared to be a relaxed manner but I could see his hands were balled into fists in his pockets. Chuckling at his attempt at bad humor Buchanan turned and walked into the courtroom as well.

“I wonder how he’d feel if the roles were reversed and it was his wife standing out here,” I said in a low voice.

Raf gave me a look that I read to mean Buchanan was devoid of caring, then pulled me into his side and kissed my forehead before heading into the courtroom with Fin and Amaro.

I sat on a bench outside of the room and waited with Amanda and Liv who were talking to me about anything and everything but the trial. They were trying really hard to keep my spirits up knowing that very soon I would be walking into the courtroom behind me to pour out the details of the worst event in my life. It didn’t even feel like thirty minutes had passed when the door opened and a Baliff stepped into the hallway.

“Dr. Alexis Rogers,” he said in a booming voice.

I took a deep breath, smiled at Liv and Amanda, and followed the Baliff into the courtroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update of Lexi's testimony will be Friday. There will be one or two more chapters of the actual trial after that.
> 
> For anyone that missed the note. For some reason Chapter 12 got corrupted and I had to delete it and 13 and repost both. If all you could read of the groups night out in Chapter 12 were the texts between Lexi and Liv and then Lexi and Amanda that cut off you might want to read again.


	15. Lexi's Day In Court

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: This chapter contains details of an act of rape. 
> 
> I’ve essentially skimmed the details of Lexi’s rape over the last few chapters when it’s come up since it’s detailed in Chapter 1. However, since this chapter is Lexi’s direct testimony and written from Rafael’s point of view I wanted to be able to have his reaction to her retelling and thus wrote it out again. I apologize for any redundancy.

***Rafael’s POV***

After leaving Lexi with Liv and Rollins I walked into the courtroom and sat in the middle of the first row behind the prosecution table where I knew Lexi would be able to see me once she was in the witness box. I could hear Amaro and Tutuola sit down behind me, and when I turned my head slightly I saw Tutuola nod his head toward me once as if to indicate he had my back. Considering the length of time he had been in SVU I supposed he had some notion of what I was feeling. I’d been as strong as I could be for Lexi’s sake, but it killed me every time I saw her break down and all I’d wanted to do was fix it for her. I wanted to be the prosecutor for Lexi’s case, I wasn’t used to taking a backseat in these kinds of cases. As much as I hated to admit it, I had to swallow my pride to do the right thing when I asked Cutter to do this for her. I wasn’t there to save her from what happened and I just wanted to her hero, the fact that Cutter was filling that role didn’t sit well with me.

Buchanan walked in and smiled in my direction before moving up to the defense table. All I wanted to do was ram my fist into his gut and wipe that smarmy look off of his face. I thought about what Lexi had said in the hall. If the roles were reversed I’d do everything I could to get justice for Buchanan’s wife despite knowing that he was going to rake Lexi over the coals to put it mildly.

I heard a door open which broke my train of thought and when I looked up I saw Thomas Burlew being escorted into the courtroom from the door to the left of the defense table. There went my blood pressure. My jaw clenched when I saw him and my hands balled into fists again. I must have been shifting irritably because I felt a hand on my right shoulder and when I turned my head I saw Amaro’s hand and he was watching me.

“Barba you have to calm down,” he told me.

“I’m fine,” I snapped and saw Amaro’s eyes flick over to Tutuola before his hand left my shoulder.

“Man, we know you’re not fine,” I heard Tutuola behind me.

I moved my gaze forward again, shifted my shoulders a few times, and relaxed my posture. They were right. I wasn’t helping Lexi by sitting here pissed off at the world. When the Baliff told everyone to rise, I stood up and closed my eyes while I listened to him announce Judge Barth who called the court to order and told us to sit down again. I had been so preoccupied that I hadn’t even noticed when the jury filed into their seats in the jury box.

She looked to Cutter and Buchanan, “Counselors are you prepared for opening statements at this time?”

Both Cutter and Buchanan responded in the affirmative and she gave Cutter the okay to give his statement.

Cutter stood and walked to stand between the prosecution table and the witness box facing the jury. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the people will show that on January 26, 2013 the defendant used subterfuge to enter Rafael Barba’s apartment building and make his way to Mr. Barba’s apartment where he waited. When Dr. Alexis Rogers arrived that night the defendant viciously attacked her.” He walked toward the jury box and leaned his right hand on the rail and looked at the jurors, “We will show that the defendant not only physically assaulted her with a deadly weapon to the point of incapacitating her but that once incapacitated he chose to brutalize her even further by raping her. Dr. Rogers said no, begged him to stop, but the defendant CHOSE to ignore her and violated her in the most heinous way that a man can violate a woman. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is all you need to know to find him guilty of his crimes.”

Before Cutter could even sit down Buchanan stood up and waddled to the jury box with that smarmy smile still on his face, “The prosecution would have you believe that my client,” he turned slightly to lift a hand to Burlew who sat at the defense table trying very hard to look harmless, he even had on a pair of black rimmed glasses. “A law-abiding citizen and loving father to a teenaged daughter, committed a terrible crime against Dr. Rogers, a physician who saves lives,” he said that a little too melodramatically. “However, we will show that Dr. Rogers invited my client into her boyfriend, Rafael Barba’s, apartment for the specific purpose of having rough consensual sex and that no crime was committed. It wasn’t until after Mr. Barba discovered Dr. Rogers had cheated on him that she accused my client of rape…”

I tuned Buchanan out at that point, his opening statements were always a litany of lies and pontification. One thing I learned early on as a lawyer was to keep my opening statements short and to the point but powerfully persuasive. Cutter’s might have been a little more clipped than I preferred but at least he got the point across well without boring the jury to tears or turning them against Lexi.

“I call Dr. Alexis Rogers to the stand,” Cutter’s voice cut through my musings and I turned slightly as I heard the Baliff calling Lexi into the courtroom.

She was standing tall as she walked in and carried herself with confidence just as Cutter and I had told her she should. When she got to the witness box and was sworn in her eyes found mine and I smiled to let her know I was there with her.

I’d heard her recount the details of her rape once before in a controlled environment where she could take a break if she needed it and Burlew wasn’t watching her from twenty-five feet away. She had mentally prepared herself for this, but I was beginning to regret not preparing myself better.

Cutter stood up behind the prosecution table and started walking toward the witness box, stopping when he was a few feet away deliberately blocking Lexi’s view of Burlew, “Dr. Rogers, can you please tell the jury what happened when you arrived at Rafael Barba’s apartment on the night of January 26, 2013?”

Lexi took a deep breath, and I held mine. “I unlocked the door and went in, it was dark, Rafael wasn’t home yet. I turned on the lamp next to the couch and was walking toward the kitchen when I heard a noise. When I started to turn around I was struck hard on the head…here…” Lexi reached a hand up to touch the left side of her head, she knew she had to verbalize everything she was trying to relay. “The left side of my head above my ear. I fell onto the floor on my stomach, disoriented.”

My eyes involuntarily flicked to look at Burlew. I saw the corner of his lip twitch, and I clenched my jaw tighter.

“What happened then?”

“He asked who I was to Rafael, he called him Barba, and asked if he cared about me. I was dizzy, my ears were ringing, and I was slow to answer, he yanked my head up by my hair and said ‘Answer me bitch.’ I told him that I was Rafael’s girlfriend, and then he said ‘Even better. When I’m done with you tell Barba this is what he gets for ruining my life’ and then pushed my head into the floor,” her voice was starting to get a little shaky and I could see her shift her hands in her lap.

Buchanan jumped up then, “Objection Your Honor. Inflammatory.”

Judge Barth looked at him like he was crazy, “Overruled. The witness can testify to what was said to her directly.”

“Dr. Rogers, go ahead,” Cutter told her.

My heart was starting to pound in my chest, and my jaw was starting to hurt.

“I said ‘Wait. No.’ And his hand went to my neck and I was having trouble breathing, then I felt my scrub pants being pulled down around my knees and it felt like he was sitting on my hips and upper thighs. I tried to buck him off and said stop and no as loudly as I could but it was hard to even breath.”

I was hurting for her, what must have gone through her mind, how scared she must have been. I knew she probably wondered where I was, and I questioned myself if she may have felt like I’d failed her. Dios mio, my heart started pounding when I thought of that. For some reason that had never occurred to me before.

“And what did he do then?”

She took a deep breath and I could see some tears escape her eyes, the one person in this world that I loved more than anything was hurt and crying and I couldn’t even comfort her. It was killing me. But her voice was clear and strong when she answered. “He said ‘Shut up bitch or I will kill you,’ and hit me on the right side of the head then put a gun to my right cheek. Then he said ‘Just lay here and enjoy when I’m about to give you. Whenever you hear that fucking lawyer boyfriends name or see his face I want you to remember this.’ I was so disoriented at that point I couldn’t defend myself. I felt my underwear being ripped from my body and his knee forcing my legs apart.” She reached up and pressed her forehead into her fingertips and more tears ran down her face.

Cutter reached over the witness box and held the box of tissues that were kept there out to her. She took one and wiped her eyes then nodded at him that she was ready to continue. My heart was breaking and I was madder than hell at the same time. All I wanted to do was walk over to the defense table and rip Thomas Burlew limb from limb. Cutting off his pecker would be too lenient of a punishment for him.

“I know how difficult this is, can you please tell the jury what happened then,” Cutter was trying to encourage her to continue and was using a more soothing tone with her.

“He…he rammed his penis into me so hard it moved me a few inches along the carpet. It felt like a roll of sandpaper being shoved in and yanked out of me until he finished, the movements kept pushing me along the carpet. His weight left me and I heard him zip his zipper before I felt him at my ear and he said ‘You’re a good fuck you know that bitch. You tell Barba I said so.’ Then I was hit in the left side of my head, the same place a second time, and I lost consciousness.”

I hated that Lexi had been put through this all because I put this guy away. This was my fault. My head was starting to pound and I knew the jaw clenching, lack of caffeine, and persistent anger was going to cause a migraine.

“What’s the next thing you remember?”

“I remember waking up briefly to crawl to the phone, dialed 911, and then I lost consciousness again until I woke up in the hospital,” she explained.

“Okay, now let’s go back to before you went into Rafael Barba’s apartment that night. Where had you come from?” Most of Cutter’s questions at this point were geared toward dispelling any doubt in the jury’s mind that Lexi might have sought Burlew out since we knew that was what Buchanan was going to attempt to persuade them was the case.

“I had just come from the hospital after a 24-hour ER shift.”

“What time did you leave the hospital?”

“8:30p.m.”

“And how did you get to Mr. Barba’s apartment?”

“I took a cab.”

“Did you stop anywhere on the way from the hospital to the apartment?”

“No, I went straight there from the hospital.”

“And did you see your attacker Dr. Rogers?”

“No I did not.”

“So how do you know the defendant,” Cutter turned and pointed to Burlew then, “Is the man who attacked you?”

“I recognized his voice.” Her response was clear and confidant.

“And how do you know him?”

“He is the father of a patient I had about six years ago.” Lexi’s voice was stronger now, she had finally calmed down from her earlier emotional break. That was actually okay for the jury to see, a prosecutor never wanted the survivor to sound emotionless on the stand, but some modicum of calm retelling was needed for the jury to really connect with a survivor and continue to believe their account of events. Too much emotion tended to turn juries off.

“Have you had any contact with the defendant since that patient was discharged from your care?”

“No I have not, the night he raped me was the first encounter I’ve had with him in six years,” she slipped, Cutter and I had both told her to limit her responses to only questions asked and then only enough detail to answer unless he was asking her to describe the rape. I closed my eyes waiting for Buchanan’s voice.

“Objection. Speculation, the witness stated herself she didn’t see my client,” Buchanan’s voice said, she hadn’t even said that, he was reaching and he knew it.

Judge Barth looked over at Lexi, “I’ll allow it.”

“Thank you, Dr. Rogers. No further questions for this witness Your Honor.” Cutter turned back to the prosecution table and gave me a pleased look. Direct went well, now Lexi just had to stand up under cross.

Buchanan stood and walked over to the jury box where he leaned on the rail and looked toward Lexi. The bastard wanted to be sure she had full view of his client during cross. I felt my blood pressure rising again, and my jaw clenching even tighter if that were possible.

“Dr. Rogers, you claim you said no and stop before you were writhing underneath the man you believe to be my client…”

I had to control my urge to object, but Cutter shot up, “Objection, badgering the witness.”

Lexi’s eyes had narrowed at Buchanan’s statement, “Writhing implies pleasure counselor. There was no pleasure there, I was trying to get your client off of me.”

Judge Barth looked disapprovingly to Lexi for answering after Cutter objected, and then looked over to Cutter, “Objection sustained.” She then turned her disapproval to Buchanan, “Counselor, fair warning, carry yourself with some decorum in my courtroom.”

“Sorry Your Honor, I’ll rephrase. You claim you said no and stop in the beginning of your encounter, are you sure it wasn’t more along the lines of ‘No, don’t stop’ thereby encouraging the man you were with and letting him know you were enjoying yourself?”

“No means no counselor. I told your client no. He ignored my no,” Lexi responded.

I was proud of her, she was being firm with him, but I did wish she’d say a little less. He was going try to keep pushing her buttons until she broke.

“But no doesn’t always mean no when you’re engaged in rough sex games. Such as in a rape fantasy?”

“Cutter…” I snapped under my breath.

“Objection. Inflammatory,” he said throwing an annoyed look back my way. I knew he wanted to give Buchanan some rope to hang himself with but I didn’t want that to come at Lexi’s expense.

“Overruled. The witness will answer.”

Lexi actually rolled her eyes before shaking her head, “I wouldn’t know.” Her eyes met mine briefly and I could see her demeanor calm instantly.

“So you’ve never engaged in any rough sex games with Rafael Barba?” Oh here we go, Buchanan was putting mine and Lexi’s sex life on trial. I really didn’t care what he said about me, but if he made her cry I was going to find him alone and punch him right in the gut.

“Objection Your Honor,” Cutter stood this time. “The witnesses’ sexual history is not on trial here.”

Buchanan turned to Judge Barth, “It goes to her state of mind in seeking out another man for that express purpose.”

“I will allow it, but limit the scope counselor. The witness will answer.”

“No, Rafael and I have never engaged in rough sex,” Lexi responded glancing to me again.

If Lexi and I were to be totally honest that probably wasn’t entirely true, but we certainly didn’t have the kind of sex Buchanan was alluding to. Admittedly I was the dominant one in the bedroom before her rape, and I’d restrained her hands in one manner or another a few times, taken her against a wall, or held onto her hair but that was the extent of it. Seeing a look of ecstasy on her face was definitely a turn on, maybe even an ego boost for me, but I certainly had no desire to turn that look to fear or pain.

“And isn’t that why you sought out another man?”

“I did not seek your client out.”

Buchanan smiled at Lexi and then the jury, “You keep saying my client, but yet you didn’t see his face did you?”

“I recognized his voice.”

“After six years of not talking to him?”

“Yes, I remember every patient and fam…”

“I find it hard to believe that as many people you must see in a day, being a doctor in a very busy hospital Emergency Room, that you could possibly remember my client’s voice.”

“Objection Your Honor. Is there a question here?” Cutter cut in.

I’d leaned forward with my elbows on my knees and closed my eyes, willing my blood pressure back under control. Lexi was going to insist on putting me on one of those stupid little pills if this kept up.

“Withdrawn,” Buchanan responded before Judge Barth could say anything. “Dr. Rogers isn’t it possible that it was another man’s voice you just happened to associate it with my client?”

Lexi was shaking her head, “No. His voice was familiar to me the first time he spoke.”

“If that’s the case why didn’t you specifically name him at the hospital?”

“I had a concussion, I was dizzy and disoriented.”

Buchanan was looking smug now, “So isn’t it very possible, Dr. Rogers, that the man’s voice that you heard wasn’t my clients’ at all?”

“No.”

“No it wasn’t? Or no you’re not sure?”

Lexi started to open her mouth but Buchanan held up a finger.

“Or perhaps is it just that you went looking for another man, someone other than your boyfriend, for a night of rough sex and you have no idea who you picked up?”

Dios mio Buchanan was trying to make Lexi angry so he could turn her answers against her, and I could tell by the look on her face it was starting to work. “Cutter…” I whispered under my breath again. He turned his head slightly to look back at me in annoyance and whispered back, “Exactly what would my objection be Barba?”

“Badgering,” I ground out as low as I could.

Cutter rolled his eyes but stood, “Objection, defense is badgering the witness.”

Judge Barth looked at him, then gave me a pointed look. Shit, I scrubbed my hand over my face. “Overruled, and I would suggest you watch yourselves. Witness will answer.”

I sat back and felt Tutuola put his hand on my shoulder and squeeze it. Yes Detective I’m aware I need to calm down I was thinking to myself.

“NO,” Lexi said with a little venom laced in her tone.

“If you didn’t bring him home with you then how exactly did he get in?”

“I do not know counselor, ask your client.”

“Wouldn’t it stand to reason that if the door wasn’t forced in or the lock wasn’t picked in some way that you brought the man you had sex with into the apartment with you?”

Lexi looked at him at that point with her eyes narrowed and she hesitated too long before attempting to answer.

Buchanan smiled again then and looked at the jury, “I didn’t hear a no, so that could just as well be a yes.”

Before I could get myself in trouble again Cutter had jumped up, “Objection Your Honor. Defense is testifying for the witness.”

“Sustained. Counselor either let the witness answer or ask another question.”

Buchanan waved to Judge Barth as if to apologize, “Dr. Rogers, do you love Rafael Barba?”

Lexi looked at him in surprise, it was an odd question and I wasn’t quite sure where he was going. “Yes, I love him.”

“And you didn’t want him to leave you did you?”

“No, of course not.”

“Isn’t it just all too possible then that after having a consensual sexual encounter with another man you regretted it because you knew how he’d react. That’s he’d leave you. Because it’s happened before. Isn’t that correct?”

What the fucking hell was Buchanan getting at with this. Cutter was silent this time, he wanted to give Buchanan some rope.

“No,” Lexi’s voice was sounding more upset.

“So your relationship with him has never had issues because of other relationships?”

Lexi hesitated, we had a few arguments in the past over House being too intrusive, and Yelina still trying to hold onto me even when Lexi and I were back together, but that was all.

“I, ah…not in the way you mean,” she replied, I knew her insecurity was starting to bubble up.

“Not in the way I mean…” Buchanan paused for a moment, giving the jury what was supposed to be a thoughtful look. “And what do I mean? That your prior cheating on Mr. Barba caused problems in your relationship?”

“I have never cheated on him.”

“Are you sure?”

Cutter started to stand, and Buchanan held up a hand again. “Withdrawn. Dr. Rogers, if your relationship with Mr. Barba is such a good one why hasn’t he been seen with you in public prior to your alleged rape?”

My heart stopped beating for just a second.

“We felt public acknowledgement of our relationship could put me in greater danger from criminals potentially threatening him.”

“Or is it because he didn’t want to be associated with a sexually promiscuous woman that picked up unnamed partners from random places?”

“Objection! Badgering!” Cutter barked.

“Sustained. Move on counselor.”

“Nothing further your honor.” Buchanan looked to the jury with his arms up in a gesture to project there was more to the story. Some of the jurors were looking at Lexi with doubt now.

Cutter stood, “Redirect Your Honor?”

“Proceed.”

Cutter walked toward the witness box and turned so he was facing both Lexi and the jury, then glanced back at me quickly, “Dr. Rogers, I am sorry to ask this as I know it is intensely personal. But can you tell the jury how many sexual partners you have had in your lifetime?”

Lexi looked startled, then a little angry at Cutter, but answered quickly and clearly. “Only one, Rafael Barba.”

If I hadn’t been keeping myself in check my jaw would have dropped but I kept my expression deliberately blank, I was shocked. I’d dated other women during the times Lexi and I weren’t together, and had my fair share of sex with other women during those times. And I had always assumed Lexi had done the same with other men. I shook myself out of my thoughts and lifted my eyes back to Lexi who was looking at me with an apologetic look.

“And why is that?”

Her eyes crinkled slightly and she tilted her head to look at Cutter, “Because I never felt the need nor desire to be with anyone else. Rafael is the only man I’ve ever wanted.” Several of the jurors nodded in approval at that statement.

Cutter nodded slightly and returned to his seat, “I have no further questions for Dr. Rogers.”

Buchanan looked decidedly pissed off that his ploy to paint Lexi as a Jezebel had backfired.

Judge Barth looked to Lexi, “You may step down Dr. Rogers, and thank you.”

Lexi stood and walked to the gallery watching me the entire time, and when she reached me she sat down next to me as close to me as she could without sitting in my lap. I smiled and held my hand out to her. She took it and I laced my fingers with hers and lifted her hand to kiss it. I could see some of the jury members looking our way, and knew some would take my gesture as a genuine sign of affection. Others would probably take it as some sign of male domination based on Lexi’s testimony just a few minutes ago, like I was marking my territory.

She had leaned just slightly towards me, “I know we need to talk, let’s just get through the rest of this week and then we can talk about this,” she said out of the corner of her mouth.

I just nodded and squeezed her hand. At least my blood pressure had gone back to normal as soon as she sat down with me. I supposed if she ever insisted on medicating me for it that I could always tell her she could be my little pill. That thought even made me roll my eyes at myself. It was 4:30p.m. by that point and Judge Barth opted to adjourn for the day. We were to be back the next morning at 9a.m.

Cutter turned to us and smiled down on Lexi, “You did really well up there. And I think redirect did a good job of rehabbing you in the jury’s eyes. I am sorry I had to use it though.”

Lexi shrugged, “It’s okay.”

I glanced at her, she didn’t seem upset but I could tell her nerves were worn down. Liv and Rollins sat down next to her then.

Cutter looked at them both, “You two back to the station, or go somewhere else. You haven’t testified yet and I don’t want Buchanan claiming your testimony was coached based on Lexi’s.”

Liv held up a placating hand, “We know counselor, all we wanted to do was to be sure Lexi was okay and then we’re headed back to the squad.”

“I’m fine Liv, Amanda. You guys go ahead, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Lexi told them, grasping each of their hands before they stood to leave.

Tutuola and Amaro followed behind after saying their goodbyes. Cutter watched them and then looked back to Lexi.

“I’ve got a good feeling, tomorrow should go smoothly,” he told us.

Lexi looked to me with what looked like a little bit of doubt in her eyes, and I let go of her hand and put my arm around her shoulder to hug her to me. When I looked at Cutter he wore a confidant expression and gave us a nod before he left.

“Ready?”

She looked tired and emotionally drained as she nodded and we walked back to the DA’s building where we stopped in my office to pick up the few things we’d left there and then headed to our car. We decided to pick up Thai takeout for dinner so Lexi could go home and relax where she felt safe. I even agreed not to whine too much while she watched her trash TV and I finished up the case work I needed to do. She had taken her hair down and changed into a pink t-shirt and gray shorts as soon as we got home, and it wasn’t long after she’d finished eating that she fell asleep with her head on my shoulder. I picked her up and carried her up the stairs to our bedroom where I put her in the bed and pulled the covers over her. I lost track of how long I sat on the edge of the bed running my hand through her hair and watching her sleep. From the moment I met her she had given me all of her love and affection and had been nothing but loyal to me. Even though I’d started righting some of my past behavior I couldn’t help but think I still hadn’t done enough to make up for all of the frustration and heartache I was sure I’d put her through. After this trial was over I definitely thought I needed to listen to myself and swallow my pride and ego to let her know the depth of my love for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next update will be Sunday.


	16. The Calm Before the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all my readers for the wonderful comments, I do hope you are still enjoying the story. Rest assured once we're past the trial there will be much more of Rafael and Lexi's relationship development and more cannon.

At 9a.m. the next morning Rafael and I were sitting in the front row of the courtroom behind Mike. I was less nervous about today since I wasn’t on the stand, but Mike had told us that the uniformed officer and paramedic who found me were testifying first. While I knew I could have asked to see the pictures of me taken when they found me I hadn’t, I hadn’t asked what they saw, and I still wasn’t sure I wanted to know. It was humiliating to think I’d been found half naked and violated and I’d needed someone to help me. There were several occasions I’d regretted calling 911, but I also realized had NYPD and EMS not found me then Rafael would have when he got home that night. That might have been even more devastating to me.

I was sitting to Rafael’s right side and I moved my eyes discreetly to the left to look at his profile. He had his phone in his left hand and was scrolling through his email one last time before he had to turn it off. Our hands were sitting on his right thigh and his fingers were laced loosely with mine, he appeared relaxed but I knew with him often his outward expression didn’t correctly reflect how he was feeling. Most likely he was trying to remain calm for my sake. Fin and Nick had mentioned how angry he was yesterday during my testimony, especially during cross, and I worried a little bit about his blood pressure.

The Baliff was announcing the case and we stood for Judge Barth to enter. Raf turned off his phone and put it in his pocket before giving me a quick smile and squeeze of my hand when we stood. Judge Barth moved to her bench and called the court to order as everyone sat down then she looked to Mike.

“Is the prosecution ready to proceed this morning?”

“We are Your Honor. I call Officer Adam Stark to the stand.”

I groaned and put my right hand over my face. It would have had to be a male officer that found me, I knew my face was probably red at that point. I felt Raf squeeze my hand and I moved my hand from in front of my face just enough to glance at him. He looked concerned but he probably had no idea what I was embarrassed about. It was one thing for a woman to find another woman with her pants down around her knees, beaten and brutalized, but men didn’t always have the empathy or understanding to handle a sexual assault victim with any dignity.

“It’s humiliating Raf,” was all I said to him under my breath.

His eyes furrowed but he let it go.

I could hear the Baliff calling Officer Stark and a few seconds later a tall dark haired officer in his uniform strode through the doors and to the front of the courtroom where he was sworn in as he stood in the witness box. When he took his seat Mike stood up and walked to the front of the prosecution table.

“Officer Stark you were the first officer on scene and found Dr. Rogers, is that correct?”

“Yes sir.”

“Could you describe what you saw when you entered the apartment?”

“My partner and I entered, he began clearing the residence and when I entered the living area I found Dr. Rogers on the floor in front of a small table. There was a lamp shattered on the floor next to it, and she had a phone handset in her left hand with her arm stretched above her head. She was on her stomach with her right hand holding her pants on her hip. Her left hip was partially bared…”

Thank God that I somehow managed to pull my scrub pants up so I wasn’t bare to everyone that walked in after. That gave me a little peace of mind. I missed part of the officer’s testimony in my musings and Mike was asking him another question.

“Once you were assured Dr. Rogers was still alive what did you do?”

“I told her my name, that she was safe, and an ambulance was on its way. There wasn’t anything else that I could do at that point, my partner was waiting for the ambulance downstairs, so I just kept talking to her from the doorway. About nonsense stuff, just so she would know she wasn’t alone.”

A small sob escaped my lips, I’d tried to hold it back so it came out more of a mouse squeak, but it was loud enough to make Raf shift his hands so he could put an arm around my shoulders and pull me into him and hold the fingers of my left hand in his other hand. Mike glanced back to me, and I could even see Officer Stark’s eyes shift my way. He had no idea how much that small gesture meant.

“Thank you, Officer Stark. I have no further questions for this witness Your Honor,” Mike sat back down at the prosecution table and turned to look at me I suppose to make sure I wasn’t going to start wailing like a baby. I just nodded at him that I was fine and he turned back around.

I refused to look to the defense table and Buchanan didn’t make his way to the witness or jury box like he did when he was cross-examining me.

“Officer Stark when you and your partner arrived at Mr. Barba’s apartment that night did you find any signs of forced entry?”

“No.”

“Nothing further Your Honor.”

“The witness may step down, thank you Officer Stark.”

He nodded toward Judge Barth and left the witness box, his eyes glanced my way as he walked by and his lips curled in a sad smile. I needed to find some way to tell him thank you for talking to me and doing what he could to let me know I was safe.

Mike was standing again, “I call Paramedic Paxton DeAngelo to the stand.”

And so it went for several hours of Mike questioning various witnesses. He questioned the paramedic regarding my status on scene when he arrived. Then he questioned Dr. Rosenthal as to the specific details of my injuries, showing various pictures of my facial bruises to the jury, and he described the severity of my vaginal injuries. Even Dr. Warner was called to testify to how the head injury would have affected my ability to defend myself, whether it was something seen in consensual sex games gone wrong, as well as if my more intimate injuries could have come from rough sex. Buchanan jumped on that one but Dr. Warner was very specific that my body didn’t lubricate itself at all during my assault so the only conclusion was that the contact was unwelcome and under force. A CSU tech testified to the DNA evidence found identifying Thomas Burlew as the man who had ejaculated inside of me thereby naming him as my rapist.

My head was swimming and pounding by the time Judge Barth recessed for lunch at 1p.m. advising we would reconvene at 3p.m.

Mike walked out into the hallway with us, “I’ll be calling Benson and Rollins after lunch and then we rest. Buchanan is only calling his client to the stand so I’m sure Judge Barth will have them start tomorrow and then this will go to the jury.” He looked at me and smiled, it was the same self-satisfied smile I’d seen on Raf when he knew he had someone dead to rights, “I’ve been paying attention to the jury as evidence has been presented, they are on your side.”

I looked over to Raf who was nodding, “I’ve been watching them too. The jury is definitely supporting you.”

I laughed sardonically, “For now, until he takes the stand and Buchanan makes him look like a Clark Kent who would never hurt a soul.”

Mike touched my upper arm, “I’m not going to let that happen.”

I had folded my arms in front of my chest and was bobbing my head, “Okay, okay. I trust you, I do.”

Mike glanced to Raf and then left. Raf was watching me carefully, I think he knew I was emotionally drained at that point and ready to break down. He put a hand on each of my upper arms and turned me to look at him.

“Listen to me Lexi, you’ve made it through your testimony, that was the hardest part. I know you’re on an emotional roller coaster but we’re halfway there and I’m here with you. I’m not going anywhere. Understand?” How did the man read me so well?

I had to admit I had been feeling insecure again since I’d been on the stand. Then all the pictures today of my injuries, I felt dirty, unclean. Unworthy. My lip started to quiver slightly and I tried to turn away from him.

He reached a hand out to cup my cheek and turn me back toward him, “No you don’t.” Pulling me into his chest he wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. “What’s going through your mind Hermosa?”

“You saw me…the pictures Raf,” I stuttered and sobbed into his chest.

His voice was soft when he spoke, “Lexi, why are you worried about me seeing those pictures?”

I leaned my head back and looked at him, “I’m afraid every time you look at me you’ll see me that way.”

He gave me an incredulous look, “Lexi, no. Absolutely not. When I look at you I see the strong beautiful woman I’ve spent almost half of my life loving. I don’t and I won’t see the image of you from those pictures. That’s not how I see you.”

I wasn’t sure I could believe that, but I smiled at him and nodded my head anyway. He looked skeptical at my acceptance of his words but thankfully let it go at least for now. Releasing me he took my hand in his and we walked out of the courthouse and down the steps over to the food truck always parked out front. He got a coffee and a some kind of chicken wrap sandwich for himself, and a peach tea and Rueben for me. We carried the food over to the DA building and went into his office where we sat on the couch eating our lunch.

Once we were done eating Raf looked at me while he was cleaning up our trash, “We’ve got at least an hour before we have to walk back over. Why don’t you lay down on the couch and try to get a little sleep?”

I suddenly realized how exhausted I was, and nodded my head. Somehow Raf always seemed to pick up what I needed sometimes before I did. He came back to the couch as I was laying down with my head on the throw pillow I kept there, took his jacket off, and laid it over me. I closed my eyes, and felt his fingers brush my cheek before his lips were at my ear kissing me there and whispering he loved me.

When I woke up a little less than an hour later I actually felt better. I sat up and looked to Raf who was sitting behind his desk looking between a file open on his desk and a notepad he was writing on. He set his pen down and looked up at me with a smile on his face.

“Feeling better?”

“Actually, yes, I am,” I stood and moved to sit on the edge of Raf’s desk next to him.

He leaned back with his pen in his hand and smiled at me, “Good.”

I reached my hand out to his shoulder and gestured to his lap, “Can I?”

“Lexi, you don’t need to ask me for any kind of comfort or affection,” he set his pen down and pulled me into his lap wrapping his arms around my waist.

I leaned my head on his and reached my arms around him. We sat like that for a few minutes and I just enjoyed the comfort and safety I felt in his arms. It was too soon when Raf told me we had to go back to the courthouse.

When we got there, we found Liv and Amanda sitting in the hall way. Amanda smiled and stood when she saw us coming from the elevator and gave me her version of a bear hug.

“Fin tells me you were amazing during defense cross,” she told me when she let me go.

I smiled when I stepped back and hugged Liv too, “I don’t know about that, Buchanan was getting to me.”

“He’s an asshole,” Liv said under her breath.

“We’re all in agreement there,” Raf said forcefully.

Mike walked up then and looked at Liv and Amanda with a mildly annoyed look, “Detectives.” Turning his gaze to myself and Raf he motioned us into the courtroom.

I gave Liv and Amanda an apologetic look as I followed behind Raf and Mike, they just smiled back at me. Raf and I took our seats, he grabbed my hand and held it loosely on his right thigh again. When I turned my head slightly to the left I saw Fin sitting in the row behind us.

“What’s up Doc?”

I snorted and Raf even looked back at Fin in amusement. Fin just shrugged and smiled at me.

Once court was called to order Judge Barth told Mike to call his next witness.

“I call Detective Olivia Benson to the stand.”

Liv was called by the Baliff and sworn in when she reached the stand and took her seat. She looked calm and collected as always and I was grateful she was my friend, she had been a great source of strength in the last six months. Mike proceeded to question her about my disclosure, she detailed everything I’d told her and that I’d never wavered in my statement, and then he moved on to my voice ID of Thomas Burlew.

“Detective Benson when you had Dr. Rogers listen to the voice line up did anyone in the room encourage her to pick a specific person?”

“No.”

“How sure was she of her voice ID of the man who attacked her?”

“Absolutely sure. As soon as she heard Thomas Burlew’s voice she was obviously frightened and she clearly identified him as her rapist.”

“Thank you, Detective Benson. I have no further questions for this witness Your Honor.”

“Detective Benson, just how reliable is voice ID?” I heard Buchanan’s voice from the defense table, I’d still refused to look that way.

“In many cases very reliable. In this one absolutely reliable.”

“Absolutely reliable. A woman who never saw the man who allegedly raped her could identify him by his voice. I find that very hard to believe.”

“Objection Your Honor. Is there a question here or is counsel just planning to testify himself?” Mike sounded annoyed.

“I’m getting there Your Honor. Detective Benson, you’ve known Dr. Rogers for how long?”

“Almost twelve years.” Liv frowned at Buchanan’s question.

“And would you say she’d your friend?”

“Yes.”

“And as a friend you would want to do everything you could to help your friend?”

“Of course.” I could see the irritation on Liv’s face now.

“So isn’t it possible since you were the voice on the recording indicating each man’s number that you added some inflection to your voice so Dr. Rogers would know to pick my client?”

Liv huffed out a quick laugh, “Absolutely not. The recording of my voice with the numbers is from 10 years ago.”

“I see, but you were in the room when Dr. Rogers made the voice ID?”

“Yes.”

“And you were within Dr. Rogers line of site?”

“Yes.”

“Nothing further Your Honor.”

Son of a bitch, he’d just made the jury think Liv gave me some kind of non-verbal cue to pick his client.

Mike stood up, “Redirect Your Honor?”

“Proceed.”

He walked to where Liv sat and stood between her and the jury box so she’d have to look toward the jury when she answered him, “Detective Benson, did you give Dr. Rogers any kind of verbal or non-verbal cue prior to, during, or after she heard the defendant’s voice on the voice line up recording?”

“None whatsoever. Her emotional distress to his voice was immediate as soon as he started speaking on the recording.”

“Thank you, Detective Benson. Nothing further Your Honor.”

“The witness may step down. Thank you, Detective,” Judge Barth said to her.

Liv left the witness box, walked to the gallery, and sat next to Fin behind me. She reached up and put a hand on my right shoulder, and I clasped her hand and squeezed it to thank her.

Mike was facing Judge Barth, “At this time I’d like to call Detective Amanda Rollins.”

Since Liv had testified to my disclosure there was no need for Amanda to repeat it since they were both in the room at the time. But I knew Amanda had something to do with the investigation into how Burlew got into Raf’s apartment and I assumed she was testifying about that. Amanda entered the courtroom, was sworn in, and sat in the witness box. Mike was standing at the rail of the jury box when he held up a small remote and turned on the monitor across the courtroom. On it was a still of Thomas Burlew standing at the front desk of Rafael’s old apartment building. The night security guard, an older gentleman I’d always been very fond of, stood behind the desk in front of Burlew.

“Detective Rollins, would you tell the jury what we’re seeing in this picture?”

Amanda looked to the screen, “That is Thomas Burlew at the front desk of Rafael Barba’s apartment building at 8p.m. on January 26, 2013.”

“And who is the man behind the desk?”

“Ed Jones, the night security guard at the time,” she replied.

“And what were you able to discover about how the defendant accessed Mr. Barba’s apartment.”

“I interviewed Mr. Jones who indicated the man shown in the still, the defendant, came to the front desk saying that he was Mr. Barba’s brother home from Iraq. He asked Mr. Jones to let him into the apartment so he could surprise his brother.” Amanda explained.

“Objection. This is hearsay Your Honor. If the prosecution wants us to hear from Mr. Jones then he should be here testifying.”

“Approach?” Mike asked.

Judge Barth waved them forward and put her hand over the microphone while Mike spoke to her. Buchanan looked irritated, the bastard. They finished their discussion and Mike went back to his place by the jury box.

“Did Mr. Jones take the defendant to Mr. Barba’s apartment and let him in?”

“Yes, he said he did.”

“And why did Mr. Jones let the defendant into Mr. Barba’s apartment?”

Amanda looked to the jury, “He said the defendant was very convincing, and his own son was killed in Iraq, so he thought it would be a nice surprise.”

“Thank you, Detective Rollins. No further questions for this witness Your Honor.”

“The defense has no questions for this witness Your Honor.”

“The witness may step down, thank you Detective Rollins.”

Amanda left the witness box and sat on the other side of Fin behind us.

“At this time, the People rest Your Honor.”

“Very well then. We will adjourn for the day. Defense may call their first witness when we reconvene in the morning at 9a.m.” Judge Barth banged her gavel and the jury began filing out of the room as did everyone in the gallery.

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding and let Raf tug me up from my seat by the hand. We walked out of the courtroom behind Liv, Amanda, and Fin with Mike following us. Now that Liv and Amanda testified we could talk to each other without Mike chastising us like a grumpy grandfather.

The man in question turned to the SVU Detectives before getting on the elevator to head downstairs, “I assume I’ll be seeing all of you again in the morning?”

“Yes,” they all said.

Mike nodded at them, then looked to me, “Lexi, are you prepared for tomorrow?”

I looked over to Raf who looked back and squeezed my hand gently, “Yes, I think so.”

“Good because I need you to stay as calm as possible no matter what Buchanan cooks up. And you…” He looked to Raf this time and pointed at him, “Keep your mouth shut no matter what. Understood?”

Raf rolled his eyes at Mike.

“I’m serious Barba.”

“I’m aware Cutter.”

Mike gave him an annoyed look then turned and walked to the elevator when it dinged.

Liv was shaking her head, “I forgot how much of a pain in the ass he can be.”

That got a surprised laugh from Rafael. He had started to say something to Liv when Buchanan walked out of the courtroom toward us.

“ADA Barba, Dr. Rogers,” he smiled at us, making me sick to my stomach. He looked at Raf as he walked by, “You’re a better man than me, no man wants a damaged woman. But I guess that’s why you never married her.”

“You son of a…” Raf growled and lunged at Buchanan. Fortunately, Fin was standing right behind him and reached around Rafael’s middle and pulled him away.

Buchanan just smiled and walked into the elevator. I was standing there stunned beyond belief. I’d always known he was sleezy, but I genuinely thought he had a heart buried somewhere deep inside of him. Now, not so much.

Once the door closed Raf yanked himself out of Fin’s hold. Liv put a hand up in front of Raf’s chest when he started toward the elevator.

“Just let him go Barba, he just said that to rile you, and it worked,” she told him.

Raf said a few nasty things in Spanish that I recognized as well as a few that I didn’t, then closed his eyes. I could see him mouthing numbers as he counted to ten. When he opened his eyes, he looked pleadingly at me.

“Lexi, do not for a second believe I think that of you,” he told me in a deadly serious tone. His nostrils were flaring and I could tell the muscles in his shoulders and upper back were tense by his posture. He looked like a coiled viper ready to strike.

As insecure as I was right in that moment I knew they were Buchanan’s words and not Raf’s thoughts. Did I think I was damaged? Yes. But when all was said and done, I loved him, I felt safe with him, and I knew in my heart that he loved me even if my head was telling me I was dirty and damaged. I knew that was the trauma and not rational reasoning talking.

I looked to him with wide eyes, “I know that Rafael. Buchanan was just trying to drive a wedge between us. You haven’t left me yet.”

“Lexi…” his voice had dropped, it was quieter and carried a note of guilt. “I keep telling you I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know,” I told him and moved into his embrace where he held me tightly for some time.

It was a rough night. Once we got home I immediately went to the master bath and took a long hot shower, washing myself three times before I felt even a little clean. At one point, I knew Rafael hovered in the doorway, worried about whether I was scrubbing my skin raw. I’d done that a few times since my attack and after he’d climbed into the shower with me one time, fully clothed, to stop me from hurting myself more I promised him I’d stop.

After I got out of the shower I took one of the Xanax that Dr. Lindstrom had given me and went back downstairs where I found Raf sitting on the couch, channel surfing. It was so out of character I knew he was really worried about me. I sat down next to him and took the remote from him, turned off the TV, and set it on the coffee table.

“Raf, do you see me as damaged?” I asked sincerely.

He had tears in his eyes as he cupped my cheek and shook his head, “Never.”

“Just keep telling me that, and telling me how much you love me when I doubt myself okay? You can’t fix this for me, no matter how much you want to. All you can do is be there to pick me up when I fall, hold me when I cry, and support me while I move forward.”

We sat on the couch holding each other until I fell asleep. The Xanax helped me fall and stay asleep but nothing could have prepared me for what was waiting for us in court that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final post of the trial may be up later today, but Tuesday at the latest. I am almost to the end of what I’ve pre-written so going forward after the final trial chapter updates might only be once a week.


	17. Confession is Cathartic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final trial chapter ahead.

The next morning I did wake up feeling better physically, but emotionally I was still drained. I was harboring so many doubts and fears about whether Rafael really did still want to be with me or if he was only staying out of guilt. It was something I was going to have to talk over with Dr. Lindstrom because I knew it was my insecurity compounded on the trauma of the rape talking. I’d also have to eventually have a heart to heart with Rafael, he deserved to know how I was feeling, and know that I wouldn’t blame him if he did feel it was better for him to end our relationship.

After showering for an exceptionally long time I came out of the bathroom in a short robe still running my towel through my hair to find Rafael in his running shorts sitting on the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees, his hands linked together, and a worried expression on his face. I smiled and sat down next to him.

“I promise I’m not scrubbing my skin off. See?” I stretched out my arm to show him, “Not red, or pink.”

He searched my eyes for a minute before leaning down to kiss the bend of the elbow I’d held up to him, then he kissed my wrist, the palm of my hand, and curled his hand around mine and lifted our hands to his cheek where he held it there with his eyes closed for a minute.

I leaned into him and touched the side of my head to his. “Can you tell me what you’re feeling? Ever since I was raped everyone always asks how I am. No one seems to have asked you.”

Chuckling he righted himself and put his arm around my shoulders and scrubbed his face with his other hand, that five o’clock shadow I loved so much was evident and he was so much sexier for it. “That’s not entirely true. Mami has asked, Liv and Tutuola have asked, and Eddie has asked.”

I was watching his eyes as he responded to me, “Okay, well now I’m asking too.”

“To be honest I’m feeling a lot of things I’m not used to feeling anymore. Guilt, shame, and anger to name a few. The worst of it is the fear,” he said in a low voice.

“Fear?” That one baffled me. I’d known him twenty years and he never admitted to being afraid of anything, concerned yes, afraid no.

He rolled his eyes and dropped his head sharply to look at me, “Fear, yes. Lexi, you wear your emotions in your eyes and on your face. I can see the self-doubt evident on your face when I tell you I love you and that I’m not going anywhere. You look at me like you expect me to walk out the door any minute and it worries me that you’ll decide at some point that you need to do it for me.”

I shook my head vehemently, “I would never do that to you Rafael. I love you, my heart would break to lose you.”

He curled a finger under my chin and nudged it to keep my eyes on his, “Then what makes you think it’s any different for me?”

That made me stop and think a minute, “I…I suppose it’s not.”

Smiling and shaking his head he kissed me then, long and hard, like he used to before all of this, taking my breath away and making my heart race. Making me want so much more of him. “Nothing has changed in how I feel about you. Any part of you,” he whispered into my mouth.

He had effectively rendered me speechless and made me realize with one kiss that nothing had changed as dramatically as I’d feared. He’d simply been giving me the space and time I needed to heal. How that man could project so much emotion and purpose into one kiss I had no idea but he certainly managed to. Rafael stood then to make his way to the bathroom and take a shower to get ready for the day. It was the last day of testimony and I hoped that the jury would be in and out of deliberations quickly so this part of my nightmare could be over and I could really start moving forward again.

Rafael showered and we both got dressed. I chose a sleeveless black and white floral funnel necked dress with a flared skirt and my black Mary Janes and he wore a light brown suit, with a sand and white gingham dress shirt, and a brown snakeskin print tie. Then we headed to the courthouse after eating a quick breakfast. When we got to the courtroom and took our same places Fin, Nick, Amanda, and Liv were already sitting in the row behind us.

Liv leaned forward toward us, “Buchanan and Cutter got here early and went in to talk to the judge about something. They’ve been in there for probably half an hour now.”

Raf narrowed his eyes and looked at both tables, nothing was on either to indicate that was going on. “Maybe Burlew wants to plead out.”

Fin shook his head, “Naw, I don’t think that’s what it is. Cutter looked pissed when Buchanan was talking to him.”

“Did one of you tell him I went after Buchanan yesterday?” Raf asked in a sarcastic tone.

Amanda was shaking her head, “No counselor, we didn’t see a need. He would have deserved whatever he got.”

Raf just nodded tightly and crossed his arms over his chest. I reached a hand up to his elbow and he looked toward me before loosening his posture and lifting his elbow to me so I could circle my hand around it.

It wasn’t too much longer before Buchanan and Mike walked back into the courtroom. Buchanan looked like the cat that ate the canary, and Mike looked livid. Before sitting down Mike mouthed ‘I want to talk to you at recess’ to me and then would not look back at us.

After Judge Barth entered the courtroom and court was called to ordered she asked Buchanan if the defense was ready to proceed.

“We are Your Honor. I call Vanessa Rogers Ball to the stand.”

My jaw dropped open, I was in shock. Vanessa was my older sister, closest to me in age, only eleven months older. And I hadn’t seen her since I was fifteen when I went away to Harvard. I looked to Raf who was looking at Buchanan with narrowed eyes.

“I haven’t talked to her since I was fifteen, what the hell could Buchanan possibly be calling her for?” I whispered to Raf.

He shook his head, “I really have no idea.”

“My family is full of vipers, and she was always one of the worst.”

Looking sharply at me he squeezed my hand, “Don’t worry.”

Easy for you to say I thought to myself.

Vanessa walked by then, giving me a haughty look as she passed. I just shook my head.

“Good morning Mrs. Ball, thank you very much for being here today. Now, could you tell the jury how you know Dr. Rogers.”

Vanessa humphed, “She’s my younger sister.”

“And when was the last time you saw her?”

“1997, she was fifteen, I was sixteen.”

“And why was that the last time you saw her?”

“She had gotten herself pregnant and my parents sent her away to have the baby. My parents said after she had the baby that she married the guy that got her pregnant and they moved away.”

I could hear Rafael chuckling under his breath now and I pushed him in the side of the chest, “It’s not funny Raf, that wasn’t me,” I whispered.

He gave me a very pointed look, “I’m well aware of that,” he whispered back still chuckling.

I didn’t see where he found amusement in it, but whatever. Vanessa had always been the most selfish of my siblings. There were ten of us, eight girls and two boys, and we’d lived off of welfare and state aid because my parents couldn’t support all of us on what little they made from the farm. My mother was a woman who always wanted more, she wanted to be taken care of in high style, and she pushed that mindset onto her daughters. My oldest brother, Shane, was the one of only two of my siblings that I ever really got along with, he was six years older. He never bought into our mother’s mindset, neither had I, and we were fairly close. The sister Vanessa was actually referring to, Erica, was a year younger than Shane, and when she was seventeen she got pregnant and left to have her baby and marry the baby’s father. She and I had gotten along fairly well, and she and Shane were the last of my family that I’d had any communication with while I was at Harvard when I was seventeen. Shane left home right after Erica to join the Navy to get out of my parents’ clutches, he kind of fell off the face of the earth after I last talked to him, and I honestly thought he’d been killed overseas somewhere. As for me, my parents never knew what to do with me, I was far more intelligent than the rest of them, except for Shane, and I kept getting jumped ahead in school. I knew staying on the farm in Iowa wasn’t going to get me anywhere so I’d started applying to colleges and for scholarships early. When I was offered a full scholarship from Harvard including living expenses for as soon as I graduated high school I asked my parents to sign off on it. They gladly did, my mother thinking that I’d be so grateful that when I started making money I’d filter it back to them. As soon as I got to Harvard I fought to legally emancipate myself from them, so I’d literally been on my own since I was fifteen.

I heard Judge Barth banging her gavel and announcing we’d recess for 30 minutes, and I realized I’d completely tuned Vanessa out. I had no idea what else she said.

Mike was leaning down in my face, “Witness conference room NOW.”

Rafael looked highly pissed at Mike’s attitude by we followed behind him as he strode out of the courtroom. As I passed the last row there I noticed a dark-haired man with a scruffy beard that I’d seen there the last few days stand up and turn to walk out behind us. He looked eerily familiar too, but I couldn’t place why.

When Rafael and I entered the conference room Mike was already there holding the door open. He closed the door and stood facing it for a minute before turning to me.

“Sit. Down.” I did as I was told and held a hand up to Raf when he looked like he was going to intervene. Mike had his arms crossed over his chest and was pacing, “Care to explain why you didn’t bother to tell me about a teenage pregnancy? I asked several times if there was anything in your past…”

I interrupted him, “Vanessa is lying. That wasn’t me, that was our older sister, Erica.”

He stopped pacing and looked sharply down at me, “So you’re telling me she is perjuring herself on the stand?”

“I can’t say that for sure. I don’t know if she actually wants to think that was me, or if she’s deliberately lying. Vanessa was always self-centered, self-absorbed. If it didn’t involve her she ignored it,” I told him honestly. “You have my medicals, it clearly states in there that I’ve never given birth. Shouldn’t you just need to call me back to the stand to bring in that medical record?”

Mike looked to Raf who was thinking it through as well. “It would be better if we had a separate rebuttal witness to testify to the fact that was not you. But we have what we have…”

The conference room door opened to the man I noticed in the back row, “I can help with that.” Oh my god, I knew that voice, it was deeper than I remembered but the same.

I tilted my head and looked at the man, “Shane?”

Raf’s eyebrows winged up, I’d told him all about my family so he knew who Shane was.

“Pixie,” that was his childhood nickname for me and all it took for me to start bawling as I stood to hug my brother. I’d yearned for family over the years, House had been the closest I’d had to a brother in over 20 years but it was never the same.

Shane was bigger and burlier than he appeared and it made me wonder what he’d been doing all these years, but that moment wasn’t the time to ask. He set me away from him and turned to Cutter.

“I was there when Erica told our parents she was pregnant and was leaving with the baby’s father. And Vanessa is lying deliberately, she’s angry at Pixie for not taking care of them,” he told Cutter.

Cutter was nodding, “Okay, between your testimony and Lexi’s medical records that should be enough.” Cutter looked at Shane hard then, “How exactly did you know what we were saying in here?”

Shane just tapped his right ear, “That’s classified counselor.”

I’d moved to stand next to Rafael with his arm around my shoulders and was watching the exchange when Shane turned to Raf.

“You’ve been good to my sister. Thank you,” Shane told Raf seriously.

None of my family knew anything about me or Rafael so I was puzzled, “How do you even know about us?”

He snickered, “Pixie, you really don’t want to know the answer to that.”

I shot a questioning look to Raf who was studying Shane closely, but he didn’t say a word.

Cutter looked to his watch, “We need to get back. But I will be calling you both as rebuttal witnesses after Buchanan rests. Shane Rogers yes?”

Shane nodded once.

“Okay.”

We all filed out of the conference room and made our way back to the courtroom where Shane sat in the back row as he had before and Raf and I took our seats in the first row. The court was brought back in session and Judge Barth asked if Mike had any questions for Vanessa, which he indicated he did not and Vanessa was excused. She gave me a dirty look again as she passed by, moving to sit in the back row of the defense section, and didn’t even notice Shane.

Buchanan stood up, “Your Honor at this time I’d like to call my client Thomas Burlew to the stand.”

Burlew made his way to the witness stand and I dropped my eyes to my lap so I wouldn’t have to look at him. I was taking deep breaths working to calm myself and Raf had his arm around my shoulder again with me leaning into him.

“Mr. Burlew can you tell the jury in your own words what happened the night of January 26, 2013?”

“Yes sir. I did go to Mr. Barba’s apartment just like the pretty blonde detective said but I didn’t have no intent to hurt no one. I just wanted to talk to Mr. Barba and ask him to help me get my family back.”

“So why did you talk the front desk guard into letting you into Mr. Barba’s apartment rather than going to his office to speak with him?”

“I didn’t figure he’d talk to me. It was wrong to sneak in but I was desperate to get my family back,” I heard Burlew reply.

“And what happened when you got there?”

“I waited in the living room until a pretty blonde woman with rainbow colors in her hair came in. She saw me and smiled and asked if I wanted to play a game.”

“A game?” Buchanan prompted his client.

“Yeah, she said a sex game. She wanted me to pretend like I was raping her because Mr. Barba didn’t like rough sex and I looked like I was more man than he was in the bedroom.”

I heard Raf snort at that, I smiled too. How far from the truth.

“And what happened then?”

“I played along, she was hot and wet…”

“Counselor some decorum here,” Judge Barth warned.

“Sorry Your Honor,” Buchanan apologized. “Go on, a little less colorful please. There are some ladies present.”

“Objection Your Honor. Inflammatory.”

“Sustained. Counselor save your insults for outside my courtroom.”

“Yes Your Honor. Mr. Burlew please continue.”

“I played along. She laid down on the floor and told me to pull her pants down and rip her panties off and take her from behind so I did.”

“Did she ever say no or stop?”

“Nope, she kept telling me to keep going, pull her hair, be rougher.”

“So you in fact did not rape Rafael Barba’s girlfriend, but rather you played a consensual rough sex game with her. Is that correct?”

“Yes sir.”

“And do you see the woman you had sex with in this courtroom?”

“No sir.”

“The State would have us believe that you forced yourself on Dr. Rogers, is that correct?”

“No sir, she saved my little girl’s life. I would never hurt her, and I am sorry that someone did but it wasn’t me.”

My mind was reeling, was he really saying this? He was going to get off, the jury was going to believe him.

“Thank you Mr. Burlew, no further questions Your Honor.”

Mike stood then and I finally looked up. Thomas Burlew was still trying to play Clark Kent, he had on the ridiculous glasses and a white shirt under an old tweed blazer.

“Mr. Burlew, you say you didn’t have sex with Dr. Rogers, but semen with your DNA was clearly found inside of her. How do you explain that?”

“Mr. Barba’s girlfriend must have planted it.”

I saw Mike’s expression turn from surprise to disgust, “So it was Mr. Barba’s girlfriend that you actually had sex with? Not Dr. Rogers?’              

“I did not have sex with Dr. Rogers,” Burlew was adamant.           

Mike turned sharply to look at him, “No, you didn’t, did you? You struck her, threatened her, menaced her until she was incapacitated and then you forced yourself on her. That’s not sex, that’s rape.”

Buchanan jumped up, “Objection! Argumentative.”

“I’ll rephrase. You did say you had sex with a woman in Rafael Barba’s apartment that night. Correct?”

Now Burlew smiled, “Yes, I had sex with his girlfriend that night.”

“But Dr. Rogers is his girlfriend, and you say you didn’t have sex with her. Correct?” Mike asked.

“That’s right,” Burlew crossed his arms over his chest defiantly and watched Mike pace around in front of him.

Mike stopped pacing and faced Burlew, “Are you sure?”

“Course I’m sure, I’m not an idiot,” Burlew snapped.

Mike turned toward the prosecution table with a wry smile, “I’m very glad you said that.” Stopping and opening up a file on the table he picked up a picture, I could see it was one of me in hospital scrubs with my hair down. Walking back to the witness box he held up the picture so Burlew could see it, “Is this the woman you had sex with?”

Nodding his head Burlew looked proud of himself, “Yeah, that’s her, that’s Mr. Barba’s girlfriend.”

Mike turned slowly with the picture of me held up so that everyone could see it before gesturing for me to come to the front of the courtroom, “Your Honor, if the court would indulge me for just a minute? I’d like Dr. Rogers to stand with me next to her picture.”

Buchanan objected again.

I had hesitated and looked to Raf who had a speculative look on his face. He released my hand and leaned to my ear, “I think he’s trying to shake him. Go ahead.”

“I’ll allow it,” Judge Barth told both attorneys, I didn’t catch Mike’s reasoning to her. “Dr. Rogers would you come forward please.”

I stood smoothing the fabric of my skirt down as I did and Raf squeezed my hand. Walking to the front of the room I was feeling more and more vulnerable being so much closer to Burlew, I could feel my heart racing and my chest tightening. When I got to Mike he leaned to my ear, “I’ll keep myself between you and the witness box.”

Nodding I stood next to Mike as he held up my picture next to my face as I faced Burlew with my eyes looking above his head.

He was shaking his head now with his eyes a little wild, “That’s not her.”

“Dr. Rogers would you be so kind as to take your hair down?” Mike asked continuing to hold my picture up, this time showing it to the jury.

I wasn’t sure what he was trying to do but he knew what he was doing so I complied. Reaching behind my head I unhooked my bun clip, opened it out, and started unrolling my hair. When the rainbow of colors – the same I had at the time of my rape – began to show Burlew started to get visibly upset. Mike held my picture up next to me and we started turning so everyone could see the real me next to the picture of me. True to his word he continued to shift his position so that he was always standing between me and the witness box though.

When we were done turning he looked at Burlew in the witness box again. “Are you sure Dr. Rogers is not the same woman you claim to have had sex with in Rafael Barba’s apartment?”

Burlew was shaking his head even more vehemently, “That’s not possible! You tricked me.” He stood and charged out of the witness box.

Mike shoved me back toward the gallery and stood between the charging Burlew and me. Judge Barth was banging her gavel and yelling for order in the courtroom. The Bailiff’s were intercepting Burlew. Fin and Nick had run forward to help them and Shane stepped in front of me and Raf who grabbed me and held me behind him while I started hyperventilating.

The Baliff’s, Fin, and Nick were holding onto Burlew who was struggling in their arms and yelling, “I didn’t hurt Dr. Rogers! I didn’t!”

Judge Barth banged her gavel again, “Mr. Buchanan get your client under control. We’ll recess for an hour.”

Raf pulled me into the hallway and sat me on one of the benches pushing my head between my knees, “Lexi, listen to me. You have to slow your breathing down and take deep breaths in and out.”

I closed my eyes and did as he suggested, feeling myself calm slowly.

I heard the courtroom door open a few minutes later and heavy footsteps. Buchanan, great.

“Can I talk to you?” I heard him say.

“Yeah, conference room,” Cutter responded.

I heard them walk off as my breathing returned to normal and I sat up to find Raf kneeling down in front of me, Shane on the bench next to me, and Fin, Nick, Amanda, and Liv all standing around the hallway watching me.

Raf took my hands and kissed the backs of each one, “Are you okay Lexi?”

I gave him a wide-eyed eye roll, “I could be better.”

Standing up he sat on the bench next to me and laced his fingers with mine. I felt Shane’s hand on my other shoulder, and I looked over to him. He had his head leaning back into his other hand and he was smiling at me.

“Don’t worry Pixie, you will see justice for what was done to you.”

Nick cleared his throat, “Who are you?”

Shane stood up and held out his hand to Nick, “Shane Rogers, Dr. Rogers brother.”

I could see Nick’s mind working overtime, “Is there something missing in that intro?”

“No sir,” Shane grinned.

Buchanan walked out of the conference room and headed back into the courtroom.

Mike walked back to us, “He’s willing to enter a plea.”

I narrowed my eyes, “Okay, what did you work out?”

“I told him this would only be on the table if you agreed,” Mike told me.

“Okay, tell me what it is then.”

“Rape 1, 25 years with no chance of parole, and he allocutes to your rape.”

I looked to Raf who nodded, “If you’re comfortable with it then it’s up to you.”

“Do you think it’s a good deal for me?”

He smiled, “Hermosa if I didn’t I’d be growling at Cutter right now.”

I sucked in a breath, “Okay. I agree.”

Mike nodded and headed back into the courtroom, and that’s how it all ended. Granted it didn’t go to the jury, but he had to admit what he did to me and that was actually more cathartic than a jury verdict would have been. After the jury was dismissed and Thomas Burlew allocuted I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I felt like I was finally going to be able to move on with my life and start building on this new life Raf and I had. I’d stay in therapy for quite some time, Raf would even come with me on occasion, but things would be better than they were before my rape. I’d finally started to realize the true depth of his feelings for me. Vanessa was charged with perjury, and while I asked Mike to plead her down to third degree perjury he still made her do the minimum 15 days jail time. Shane had to leave almost immediately after the trial was done but he gave me his phone number so we could keep in touch. However he warned me that with his job it could be some time before he could respond, he wouldn’t tell me what he did when I asked though. The worst thing that had ever happened to me also became the catalyst for some of the best things to come in the months ahead. I didn’t know it yet, but there was one more piece to fall into place to finally dispel the doubts I had where Rafael’s feelings for me were concerned. And it would come with the downfall of his oldest friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that is a lead to October Surprise so it’s coming up. And if anyone is wondering, yes, Shane will be back. Since the trial is over now and there will be more development of Lexi and Rafael’s relationship there will be more flashbacks of them as well.  
> Expect next update by next Sunday.


	18. Close Encounters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains some smut.

In the weeks and months following the trial Raf and I grew closer and really did begin to move forward with our lives. Our daily work routines went completely back to normal and I started doing more comprehensive medical reviews and consults for the DA’s office starting with Raf’s pheochromocytoma case. With my report in hand Raf was able to get the defense to plead to rape one as he originally wanted.

We started going out more often inside of Manhattan, to dinner, the theater, an occasional movie, even to karaoke with everyone though I still couldn’t get him to sing. Not that I ever really thought I would. I did have to admit I was surprised when Raf asked me to go with him to a charity gala that he was attending for the DA’s office. It would be the first one I’d ever been to with him and I was nervous as hell about it even though when he asked it was still weeks away. Immediately after he asked though I went shopping and managed to find a gorgeous sleeveless emerald green evening gown in lace and organza that had a faux plunging neckline with a high neck collar and open back, and a full asymmetrical skirt that came mid-thigh in front and to the floor in the back.

Shane and I talked a few times since I saw him at the trial, even via facetime once. That was when I managed to figure out he was some kind of covert special operations which explained why he just disappeared for so long. Though he seemed to know a lot about my life since I last talked to him and he promised we’d be able to really talk and spend some time together near the holidays. I was both dreading it and looking forward to it at the same time.

About a week after the trial was over I asked Amanda to go with me to a tattoo shop, I had decided to have the phrase 'I am FEARLESS because I have been AFRAID' in a calligraphic script tattooed on my right shoulder blade. During the months following my rape and through the emotional roller coaster of the trial I rediscovered a strength in myself that I just hadn't realized I possessed, and that simple phrase served to remind me that I survived and was thriving. I was extremely lucky and I knew it. Raf was taken aback when I told him my intent, I didn't have any other tattoos, but once I told him what I wanted and why he was completely supportive. I asked Amanda to go with me because I just couldn't exactly imagine Raf or Liv sitting in a tattoo parlor with me while I had ink needled under my skin. And I also wanted her to take me to Officer Stark’s precinct so I could personally thank him for his kindness and empathy during a time that I had needed it most. He was shocked that I took the time to seek him out but he told me that he thought about how he’d want someone in his place to treat his girlfriend and that’s how he treated me. Amanda responded to that by telling him if he ever wanted to be a detective SVU might be a good fit for him and he told her he’d keep that in mind.

Time flew and on the day of the gala I worked a short shift at the hospital so I could have my hair professionally done in an updo with seafoam green, lavender, and rose tendrils falling around my shoulders. Once I got home I did my makeup, just a black winged eyeliner and the burgundy lip stain I favored, put my dress on, and slipped on a pair of strappy glittery silver heeled sandals while I waited for Raf to get home. The open back of my dress left the tattoo bare for all to see and looking back over my shoulder I wondered for the first time at the perception people would have of Raf because of me. After all I had multi-colored hair and now a tattoo on my shoulder and just like that I was feeling a little self-conscious and worried about him taking me.

The man in question walked into our bedroom as I was staring over my shoulder at the mirror behind me and when I turned my head to look at him I felt like time stopped for a moment. The way he looked at me dispelled any feelings of self-doubt I was having. He was rarely without words, but at that moment he was rendered speechless. I smiled at him and his expression was a mix of astonishment and desire.

"You are absolutely breathtaking," he breathed huskily.

His look made me suck in my breath, my heart started hammering against my chest as he leaned in to kiss me. Feather light at first, then his tongue touched my bottom lip and his hand was cupping my cheek with his thumb running along my jawline. I leaned into him as his tongue danced with mine and his other hand slipped around to my lower back sliding over my ass before he pulled back from me.

“If it weren’t for the fact that this gala was for a really good cause I’m not sure we’d make it,” he told me as he gave me another quick kiss and my ass a little swat before he went into our closet to change into his tux.

Fortunately, the lip stain I used didn’t wear off when he kissed me but I did freshen the gloss I’d added over it and checked myself in the mirror to make sure nothing was out of place. My lips looked bee stung and my cheeks were pink. The man was good, nearly twenty years and I still wanted him as much every time like it was the first.

Raf cleared his throat, he was standing in front of me with his tuxedo pants and shirt on, tying his bow tie and smiling.

“You’re a huge tease,” I told him seriously.

His eyes sparkled and the carnal look was back but subdued, “That wasn’t a tease, I have every intention of continuing where we left off when we get home.” He shrugged into his vest and buttoned it and went to the dresser to get his cufflinks while I picked up his tuxedo jacket and held it out to him once his cufflinks were in place.

He finished dressing and we made our way to the car he had arranged for the evening to pick us up then bring us home. The gala really was for a good cause, it was to raise money to assist victims of crimes, but it was going to be a long night of rubbing elbows and making nice with various political figures, millionaires, the Chief of Police, the DA, and more people I couldn’t name. When we got there Raf and I made our way through the ballroom stopping to say hello to various people as we went. Every time we encountered someone I didn't know he proudly introduced me as his girlfriend without hesitation. Despite a few startled looks at my hair everyone I met told us what a great couple we made.

And then we ran into Alex and Yelina Munoz. Alex had always given me the creeps, my impression was that the outward persona he projected hid some underlying evil that I could never quite put my finger on. Raf knew how I felt, and despite Alex and Yelina's betrayal I still didn't think Raf saw Alex for who he really was. I suspected Raf would always hold Alex on a pedestal believing that he was as morally strong as Raf was.

"Rafael," Alex shook Raf's hand and they hugged acting like there was never any heartache between them.

"Alejandro," Raf smiled warmly at him.

I stood back out of the way, I didn't want Alex touching me.

Yelina noticed and raised her eyebrow at me, but once Alex let Raf go she stepped toward him and hugged him as well.

"Rafael, you look well," she said as she kissed his cheek.

Raf reached his hand back and brought me forward to stand next to him with his hand at the small of my back and smiled at them, "That's because my beautiful Lexi takes excellent care of me."

"Wonderful," Alex smiled at me and it almost felt like a leer. He turned to Raf then and slid his right arm around Yelina's waist. "Rafael, I hope I have your support in the upcoming mayoral election?"

Yelina beamed at her husband, "Of course you do." She turned to Raf then, "Alex is going to turn this city around, help the poor, fix the schools."

"I'm sure he will Yelina..." Raf didn't get a chance to finish when some photographers walked up to the four of us.

"Senator Munoz, ADA Barba, can we get your picture with your ladies?"

We all turned toward the camera, Raf had pulled me into his side and Alex moved closer to me and started to reach an arm around me.

I smiled toward the camera but out of the corner of my mouth said very quietly, "No offense Alex, but please don't touch me."

Raf's smiling expression never faltered but he took my left hand in his and pulled our twined fingers to rest at my left collar bone, turned slightly toward me and leaned his head into mine. Then he moved his right hand from my waist to grab Alex's hand and raise their hands over our heads as if in victory.

Once the photographers were done and moved on Alex looked down at me. "I apologize, I can only imagine how being touched by any man must still make you feel. Thank God that monster went away for a very long time," his look was apologetic but the glint in his eyes was predatory. Alex's campaign manager, Hank Abraham, started trying to move them along then and Alex looked to Raf, "Excuse us Rafael, we will see you again soon."

"Yes, right Senator, it's not you at all," I mumbled when they were out of earshot. I caught Raf's startled expression, "You have blinders on when it comes to him Raf. He makes my skin crawl, always has. And thank you for saving me."

"I have to apologize mi alma, I wasn't thinking how the constant hand shaking and hugging might be affecting you," he'd moved to stand behind me and put his arms around me with his chin in the crook of my neck. I still had an aversion to men coming up from behind me, but Raf no longer bothered me. Dr. Lindstrom had said that the deep connection we shared before my rape and my unconditional trust in Raf helped to dampen that trigger when it came to him.

I turned my head slightly so I could kiss his lips, "It's not, I'm fine. I just didn't want him touching me." I emphasized the word him so Raf would get the point that my issue was Alex, not anyone else.

A few camera flashes went off as we kissed and I looked up to see photographers were in front of us again. Raf stood straight and smiled until they got their fill and moved on.

"Are there always so many people taking your picture when you come to these things?" I asked him as he moved back to my side and took my hand so we could continue to mingle amongst the crowd.

"No, but then I've never come to one of these events with a woman, let alone one who could melt a camera lens," he grinned at me.

"Oh hahaha," I said as I noticed Connie and Mike coming our way.

We'd just gotten their wedding invitation for mid-October right before mine and Raf's birthdays, just about six weeks away. I waved to Connie who was stunning as always. Her dark hair was down around her shoulders and she wore a scarlet red spaghetti strapped chiffon dress with a sweatheart neckline that had a slit on the right side to just above her knee.

Connie made it to me first as Mike shook Raf's hand. "You look beautiful," she said warmly as we hugged.

"So do you, red is definitely your color," I grinned at her when we stepped back from each other.

Mike started to reach his hand out to me and I rolled my eyes at him and hugged him. Around Mike's head I looked to Raf and stuck my tongue out at him. Connie's eyebrow rose and she chuckled, Raf just dropped his chin to his chest and looked amused.

"Hi Mike, no need to be so formal," I told him with a huge smile.

He wore a mildly apologetic expression and chuckled, "I didn't want to make an assumption."

"Hmmmm..." I flicked my eyes in the direction Alex had disappeared, "If only certain Senators had your manners."

Connie's eyes followed my line of sight and rolled when she realized who I was referring to, “He’s a mujeriego.” _Womanizer._

Raf looked startled at her statement.

Mike laced his fingers with hers and kissed her hand giving her a hard look, “Even I know what that means.”

I cut my eyes to Raf’s face whose gaze had meandered off in the distance to where his old friend continued his campaigning. Raf looked troubled. I guessed it was one thing to hear it from me, another to hear it from another woman unsolicited.

I opted to change the subject then, "We got your wedding invitation, you can count on us being there."

Connie smiled ear to ear then, “Great, I’ll mark you both as a yes then.”

Mike smiled and turned toward someone I didn’t recognize calling his name before nodding to the person, “Excuse us.”

They moved away and Raf and I continued to move through the crowd making small talk, having our pictures taken, and making promises to attend this or that event or donate time for various other charities. By the time the meet and greet was over and we got through dinner and drinks I was realizing more and more why Raf so often came home from these events annoyed as hell. People in general, especially those in power, never really cared about the real issues that mattered. They cared about what was going to gain them more power, more prestige, and further their own agendas. It was sickening.

When it was all over before the throng poured out we managed to escape outside where I saw Eddie Garcia standing next to a sleek black town car. I touched Raf’s arm to get his attention and waved to Eddie whose face lit up when he saw us.

“Rafi!” Eddie said as Raf hugged him.

“Eddie, you look good. What are you doing here?” Raf asked looking at the town car with a pensive expression.

“Volunteering for Alex,” he told Raf before turning to me with a sincere smile. “Bella dama. Can I?” _Pretty lady._ He held his arms open to invite me in for a hug if I were so inclined.

I stepped into him and put my arms around him, “Of course Eddie, I trust you.”

“Is Rafi being good to you?” His tone was serious but laced with great affection for his old friend, he always asked me the same thing when we hadn’t seen him in some time.

“Always Eddie, always,” I reassured him and let him go as Raf started speaking to him in Spanish.

“Voluntariado para Alex? Haciendo lo que Eddie?” _Volunteering_ _for_ _Alex? Doing what Eddie?_

“Conducirlo a él ya Yelina por Rafi. Es un poco de dinero extra para Danny y Mama.” _Just driving him and Yelina around Rafi. It's a little extra money for Danny and Mama._

“Eso no es voluntario Eddie.” _That’s not volunteering Eddie._ Eddie gave Raf a sharp look and Raf held up his hands in surrender, “Okay Eddie, okay. We have to go, but say hello to your mom for us.”

“I will Rafi, thanks.” Eddie looked at me with a sad smile as we walked away.

“Do you think Alex is taking advantage of him?” I asked when we were out of earshot, I had my hand in the bend of his elbow hurrying to keep up with him in my heels as he walked quickly away.

He was looking at the ground playing with his keys in his pocket and not saying anything. We reached the car Raf had waiting for us and the driver opened the door. I got in first and Raf hesitated, I guessed he was watching the Munoz’s make their way to Eddie. When he got in beside me he was rubbing the bridge of his nose with his eyes squeezed shut. I slid my hand over his left thigh and gave it a slight squeeze and his hand dropped to lace his fingers with mine. We sat in the back of the car on the ride home in silence with him looking out of the window brooding.

Once we made it home and got into the foyer Raf shed his tuxedo jacket and vest, undid his tie, and unbuttoned his shirt to his belt before going to the bar by the kitchen to pour himself a glass of scotch. I watched him but knew he had to process his thoughts in his own time and headed up the stairs to get out of my dress and heels. When I came back down the stairs my hair was down and I was in a black silk babydoll chemise, and Raf was sitting at the breakfast bar facing into the kitchen with his drink in his hand in front of him. He’d removed his shirt and tie, and his undershirt was untucked from his tuxedo pants at that point. When he turned to me I saw the fear and doubt fall from his face and desire replace it.

He sat his drink down and turned to me motioning me to come toward him. When I stood between his legs he put his hands lightly at my hips running his fingers under the fabric of the chemise to find I hadn’t worn panties underneath. His eyebrow shot to his forehead as he looked at me and I smiled, I wanted things back to the way they were between us before I was raped and intimacy became hard and awkward. Even though we’d had sex several times since the night he’d finally told me why displays of public affection had been so anathema to him, it was good but never quite the same as it was before. We’d talked through it both on our own and in Dr. Lindstrom’s office, Dr. Lindstrom reminded me that was part of healing too, and was also perfectly normal. There would still be good and bad days. Dr. Lindstrom suggested the safeword again when Raf and I were together in his office and Raf had thought that it was an excellent idea. He felt like it gave me an out if things were getting overwhelming and let him know I was possibly being triggered by something, but could allow us begin to re-establish the same level of intimacy we once shared without him worrying we might be pushing too far. I’d picked ‘aardvark’ which Raf thought was highly amusing but when I pointed out we’d never use the word in any other context he saw the point.

His lips were on mine giving me one of those long hard kisses he used to that always made my knees turn to jelly. At some point he stood up and before he pulled away lifted me by the hips and sat me on the edge of the breakfast bar in front of him, pushing the chemise up around my hips so I was completely bared to him. Raf’s hands stroked my skin from the curve of my hip to the back of my knees before he sat back down and grabbed my ankle starting to lift it. Looking up at me he searched my eyes, I knew what he was looking for, permission to touch and kiss me with the same abandon he used to.

I reached down to run my fingers over his cheek and smiled, “Please Raf, I want you like we used to be.”

Something primal crossed his expression then and he put my ankle over his shoulder and bent his head between my legs. One thing about Raf that I knew well was that he always made sure I had at least one orgasm before he would ever even loosen control over his body to reach his own. Sometimes he used his tongue on me, other times it was his long magnificent fingers, and others we just languidly moved with each other until I was spasming around him and screaming his name before he let go. This time he was taking his time to tease me with his tongue and sometimes a long finger, bringing me to the brink, then backing off. By the time he stood up to undo his pants and get them out of the way I was tingling everywhere and I could feel the tension of my impending orgasm. When he was finally completely inside of me we held onto each other and kissed with the abandon of newly discovered lovers, but when he started moving at just the right speed and with just the right amount of friction in the right places my body responded to him with one of the most intense orgasms I’d ever had. I think it surprised him because he lost control almost immediately when I moaned his name and he just exploded inside of me groaning my name at the same time. We remained like that for a few minutes while our breathing slowed and our hearts stopped racing and I suddenly realized he had me against the wall between the kitchen and the living room.

I smiled against his lips, “I think my body was craving you.”

He chuckled as he trailed his tongue down my neck to the sensitive spot where my collar bone met my shoulder, “Hmmmm, I think mine is just getting started.”

“Then carry me up to our bed so we have more room,” I breathed in his ear. He complied and we spent the rest of the evening really getting to know the intimate part of our relationship again.

A few weeks later…

I was sitting at the bar in Flannery’s with Liv after we both got off shift. She had a glass of wine and I was drinking a soda. I was still in my green scrub pants but had discarded my scrub top at the hospital since I’d been spit on by a combative drug overdose patient, and was wearing a pink tank top that said ‘KEEP TALKING I’M DIAGNOSING YOU.’ She had just told me Munch was retiring.

“Are you kidding? He’s really retiring?” I asked in complete surprise.

She nodded behind her wine glass, “That’s what Cragen said.”

I looked toward the bartender and caught his eye, “Joe, two tequila shots.” While he poured the shots I looked at her, “So then, are you finally taking the Sergeant’s exam?”

She shook her head as she picked up her tequila shot, “I’m not ready for that yet.”

Chuckling I picked my shot up as well and we tapped our shot glasses together, “To Munch,” we said at the same time downing our shots.

“Oh my god,” Liv said and stuck a lime in her mouth.

“Joe, one more,” I called to him when we set our shot glasses down.

Joe grinned at us and poured each of us another tequila shot.

Liv rolled her eyes at me, “Really? Do you have a death wish?”

Laughing I shook my head and lifted my shot tapping her glass, “To the future Sergeant Benson.” I knew despite what she said that Cragen would wind up talking her into it, she was the heart of SVU, and had been for a long time.

She rolled her eyes, we drank our second shot and she stuck another lime in her mouth, “Please tell me you have nothing else to celebrate.”

“What are we celebrating?” Brian asked as he sat next to Liv.

She kissed him and pushed her shot glass toward him, “Munch is retiring.”

“Really? Somehow, I thought he’d die of old age at his desk in SVU,” Brian told us and picked up Liv’s glass and waved it to Joe.

Joe came back and refilled the glass Brian now held and motioned the bottle to me, I nodded and he refilled mine too. Brian held his shot up and toasted Munch with me then Liv took my glass away and pushed it to the rail by Joe.

Brian looked to Liv with a grin, “Ready babe?”

“Yeah. Can I assume Barba is coming to get you?” She asked me, I knew she wouldn’t leave me alone if Raf or someone else weren’t coming.

“Very astute Detective,” the man in question’s voice sounded from behind her.

I smiled his way and patted the bar stool Liv had just vacated, “My handsome ADA.”

He shook his head and chuckled, nodding his head to Liv and Brian as they left the bar. Lifting a seafoam green curl from my shoulder he wrapped it around his finger as he leaned in to kiss me, “Mi hermosa amor.” _My beautiful love._ When he stepped back he licked his lips, “Tequila? Please tell me House isn’t here.”

I screwed my lips up in a crooked half smile thinking back to the drinking games I used to play with Greg on occasion, “No Raf. Liv and I were celebrating.”

He quirked an eyebrow and called Joe over to order his usual scotch, “Celebrating?”

“She said Munch is retiring so we were toasting him. And when I asked if she was finally going to take the Sergeant’s exam she said no but,” I drew out the ‘uh’ for emphasis, “She toasted it when I mentioned she was the future Sergeant Benson.”

“Huh, I didn’t figure Munch would ever retire,” he said sipping his scotch when Joe set it in front of him.

I didn’t say anything, I honestly didn’t either. Things were changing, some for the better, some not so much. The next month was going to be full of a lot of love and celebration, but Raf was also about to finally see his oldest friend in a different light and it was going to break his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I’ve put so much right around October Surprise it may wind up being a two parter.


	19. Birthdays and Weddings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t find anything that told me when Barba’s birthday is so I used Raul Esparza’s and put Lexi’s close to his.

**Rafael’s POV**

Over the next several weeks Lexi rushed around worrying over what to get Cutter and Connie for their wedding (she finally decided on an antique wine rack), and how we were going to celebrate our birthdays. Since they were only days apart we’d always celebrated together, but made an agreement years ago that we would trade planning our birthdays year to year. This was her year and I suspected it would involve dinner and drinks with friends. On my actual birthday, we went to my mother’s for dinner with her and my abuelita, and they always made way too much food for the four of us. I had thought I managed to talk Mami into letting us take her and Abuelita out for dinner this year but I was pretty sure they would both insist on a family dinner at home anyway.

Lexi was extremely easy to buy presents for. Anytime we were out she would stop to look at window displays or on rare occasions would actually walk into a shop to look around. I’d learned to pay attention over the years to know when she found something that she really liked and she never seemed to realize how closely I watched her reaction to things. She wasn’t a woman who liked to shop for herself and despite the fact that we could afford most anything she wanted she rarely bought anything for herself if she didn’t need it. I certainly understood where she was coming from, I had never forgotten where I came from either. Though where I would buy myself the things I wanted she agonized over spending any amount of money on herself no matter how trivial. But it was in her agonizing over wedding presents that I found her longingly fingering what would be her birthday present.

The Saturday of Connie and Cutter’s wedding came and went faster than I was expecting it to. Weddings weren’t exactly my favorite event to attend, in the past all I could ever do was wonder if the ‘happy’ couple would wind up like my mother and father. When I saw how beautiful and happy Connie was with Cutter though I was reminded once again that not every marriage ended up like my parents did and that I was not my father.

Thoughts of marriage aside I really wanted to do something for Lexi on her birthday but I knew she wouldn’t go for it. Lexi would dig her heels in and refuse to leave the house on her birthday when we were first dating and I tried to take her out to celebrate. I’d stopped trying once she agreed to celebrating our birthdays together. I suspected it had something to do with not wanting attention focused solely on her. And it was on the subject of Lexi’s birthday that my mother caught me in my office the Friday beforehand.

“ADA Barba,” I answered my desk phone.

“Rafael, what are you doing?” My mother’s voice sounded annoyed on the other end, like I was still a little boy caught with something I was told to leave alone.

I couldn’t help it, I laughed, which probably pissed her off, but I did it anyway, “You called me at my office, obviously I’m working.”

“You might be 40 years old but I’m still your mother Rafael Luis Barba.”

“I know Mami, I’m sorry,” I was still laughing. “And I’ll be 43 in less than a week.”

She humphed at me before she told me what she called for, “Your Abuelita and I want you to bring Lexi over tomorrow. It is her birthday after all.”

“I doubt that’s going to happen Mami,” I told her seriously.

"Rafi whether she's your wife or not Lexi is family, we should celebrate her birthday too," my mother was not so subtly bringing marriage up again.

"Yes Mami, I agree, but it's Lexi you'd have to convince and the only way I can even get her to celebrate her birthday is because we celebrate both at the same time," I told her pinching the bridge of my nose and squeezing my eyes shut. As her voice went up an octave I could feel a migraine brewing.

"I don't know why you haven't asked for Mama's ring to give her. I've told you before I don't care that she's not Cuban or Catholic, and Mama is so enamored with her she doesn't even notice any more," she continued on, oblivious to anything I'd ever said to her on the subject.

"Mami, one step at a time, please..." I started and that got another octave. Shit.

"One step at a time? It's been nearly 20 years Rafi. What are you waiting for at this point?" She practically screeched.

I sighed, I'd had this very same conversation with her more than a dozen times over the years. Marriage discussions had taken a backburner to getting through school, then Lexi's residency and fellowship, my internship and the early years at the DA's office, and there were times that we spent months apart. After that it never seemed to come up any more. The things that kept us apart when we were young were no longer issues and I had finally pushed past my own obstacles. Maybe it really was time to reconsider.

"Rafi? Are you listening to me? Did you set the phone down on your desk again?"

"No Mami," I hadn't but I was sorely tempted to.

"If I can't have grandchildren at least I can have a daughter-in-law," she said.

"Mami!" I snapped slamming my free hand down on my desk, "This is not about you, this is about Lexi and me."

"I know that mijo, I know that," I heard a heavy sigh on the other end of the line. "I'm sorry. Is there a reason you don't want to marry her?"

Shaking my head, I leaned back in my chair with the phone to my ear and scrubbed my other hand over my face, "No Mami, and I’ve never said I didn’t want to marry her."

"Then you better get moving, you've been living in sin long enough. Ask Mama for her ring when you come for your birthday at least," she pleaded.

"Alright Mami, I will ask her," I rolled my eyes knowing she wasn't going to let up until I agreed.

"And tell Lexi we're celebrating her birthday as well."

"Wait, I thought you agreed to let us take you to dinner rather than you and Abuelita cooking," I sat up as Carmen walked in with some papers for me to sign.

"It would be better for you to ask Mama for her ring at her house," she told me. "I love you Rafael."

She disconnected before I could protest, she always somehow managed to get her way. I was staring at the handset when Carmen cleared her throat and I set it back on the receiver.

“Mr. Barba are you okay?” She asked with a smile, this wasn’t the first time she’d caught me at the tail end of a frustrating conversation with my mother.

“Yeah, I’d be better if I could hide somewhere my mother couldn’t find me,” I told her and signed each of the documents she held out to me.

Carmen laughed, “I think we all feel that way about our mothers now and then.”

I groaned, “I think Cuban mothers are the worst.”

Later that evening Lexi and I were sitting in our living room on the couch watching _Star Wars_. She was snuggled up to my side with a bowl of popcorn between us and I was reviewing a case file and making notes while she took turns feeding kernels of popcorn to me and then herself. My eyes cut in her direction to watch her as she popped a few kernels in her mouth before she caught me staring.

She chewed and swallowed the popcorn, “What Raf? Do I have something on my face?”

I lifted my hand to run my thumb along her jawline, “Of course not, you’re beautiful as always. It’s just…”

She rolled her eyes, “Let me guess. Your mother called you and wants you to bring me over tomorrow?”

Narrowing my eyes I searched her face for some indication as to how she knew that.

Laughing she shook her head, “Don’t look so suspicious Rafael, she texted me before I got off shift at the hospital today. I didn’t respond, so I figured your furtive looks all night mean she called you and you’re trying to figure out how to ask me.”

I pursed my lips and nodded before looking back to my file, “Good guess.” I caught her smile out of my peripheral vision, “So…will you go?”

She sighed dramatically, “I suppose. I wouldn’t want to disappoint them.”

I turned my head and leaned in to kiss her lips, “Gracias mi alma.”

She grinned and shoved a handful of popcorn at my mouth which I accepted and then blew half of it at her.

“Rafael!” She pretended to be mad but her laughter was light hearted as she picked up the kernels I sent her way.

I smiled at her, then set my work and the bowl of popcorn on the other side of me away from her. Putting one of the throw pillows from the couch onto my lap I patted it and she rearranged herself to lay on the couch with her head on the pillow. Snaking one arm around her I pulled her as close to me as I could and put my other hand in her hair.

“Te amo mi alma,” I told her as I leaned down to kiss her cheek.

Her eyes looked up at me as she smiled brightly again, “And I love you Rafael.”

The next day we went to my Abuelita’s walk up death trap, as I liked to call it, for Lexi’s birthday dinner. Mami and Abuelita made way too much food, as I expected, and they fussed over Lexi endlessly. Abuelita kept calling me ‘El Juez’ and I had to keep reminding her that I was an ADA not a judge. She’d just smile and pat my cheek telling me soon.

We were sitting around the dinner table talking after dinner when Mami brought up Alex’s run for Mayor. Lexi discreetly rolled her eyes.

“What did I tell you Rafi, I told you he’d be Mayor of New York City someday,” she smiled at me. “He’s going to make this city better, help everyone.”

“I know Mami,” was all I said, keeping my eyes on my coffee in front of me as I played with the handle of the cup. I felt like a seven-year-old boy all over again.

Lexi was looking between the two of us, “Rafael helps people every day Mami. Without cameras and the public eye on him. He does it out of the goodness of his heart.” I looked at her and I could see she really wanted to say more but was biting her tongue. She hadn’t seen this side of my relationship with my mother.

My mother smiled, “I know, and I’m very proud of him.” She patted my cheek and stood to walk into the other room.

Abuelita was sitting at the table next to me and put her hand over mine on the table and gave it a squeeze. I looked to her and she smiled warmly at me as only a grandmother can. She had always been the one cheering me on and encouraging me to do more, get out of the Bronx. Do something with myself rather than stay stagnant in El Barrio. When I told them I had gotten a full scholarship to Harvard Law her first words were ‘My Rafi, El Juez.’ Mami just shook her head and told me I should go to Fordham with Alex because he was going places. Lexi stood to get the coffee pot from the counter and bent to kiss me as she poured more in my cup.

“Te amo mi amado,” she whispered in my ear. _I love you, my beloved._ She rarely called me that, or spoke the very little Spanish she actually knew so it surprised me and drew my eyes to hers. Her blue eyes sparkled and her smile was beautiful as she whispered, “I’m always proud of you.”

I smiled into my coffee. Lexi had always supported me, no matter what, even when she didn’t agree with me. She had always been there when I faltered, always managed to find a silver lining in every cloud. Looking at her sitting next to me smiling at my Abuelita as she told a story of life in Cuba I realized I could no longer imagine life without her by my side. And suddenly I wanted Abuelita’s ring, not because Mami insisted, but because I wanted it on Lexi’s finger more than anything.

Mami came back in the room then with a small brightly wrapped box which she set in front of Lexi, “Feliz cumpleaños mija. This is for you from me and Mama. We love you Lexi.”

Lexi looked at the small box and I could see tears in her eyes as her hands ran over the paper and the springy ribbon on top. I placed my elbow on the table and leaned my head into that hand while I used the other to circle the back of Lexi’s neck and run my thumb in comforting circles on her flesh there. She looked to me and I smiled at her as she ripped open the package to reveal an antique looking gold locket inside. Removing it from the box she ran her fingers over it and turned it over to examine the back more closely. I moved closer to her and read the inscription, ‘You’re loved more than you know. Love, Mami and Abuelita.’ When she opened the locket there were two little pictures inside of us together. The first was a picture of us the first time I brought Lexi home, I had my arms around her, her hand was over my heart and we were both smiling into the camera. The other side of the locket held a more recent picture of us in a side profile, both of our eyes were closed and we had our arms around each other, she had her head on my shoulder with a smile on her face, and I appeared to be kissing her hair. Now I knew where my penchant for taking pictures of Lexi when she wasn’t looking came from.

Lexi looked to my mother and grandmother with a wide smile and a few tears slid down her cheeks, “I don’t know what to say. Thank you both so much.”

Mami and Abuelita looked at each other and smiled before Mami spoke, “Happy Birthday mija.”

“Raf, would you?” She held the locket out to me to put around her neck.

I took it from her and undid the clasp as she lifted her hair out of the way for me to lay it around her neck. Once I redid the clasp she dropped her hair and fingered it over her chest smiling at my mother and grandmother before she stood up to hug them both.

As we were leaving a few hours later Abuelita pulled me to the side and pressed a small velvet bag into my hand. “My ring. You make this right Rafi. Casate con ella.” _Marry her._ She kissed my cheek and pushed me along behind Lexi out of the front door.

I tucked the bag into my pants pocket and took Lexi’s hand as we walked to our car. She played with the locket around her neck the entire drive home and I hoped she would be as enamored with what I had gotten for her as she was with the locket. We never exchanged presents on our actual birthdays, it was always on the day we actually celebrated which was still three days away. However, when we got home and through the door I picked her up off of her feet and carried her up the stairs to our room with her laughter and breathless sighs as I kissed the parts of her I could reach filling the stairwell as we went. Once there I made love to her until we were both so exhausted we fell asleep in a tangle of limbs and sheets.

That Tuesday I sat in my office working through an answer tree on a case I had coming up when Lexi walked through the door. Her hair was pulled back from her face in a ponytail left long down her back, she was wearing jeans, those ridiculous buckle boots of hers, and one of her silly t-shirts I teased her about but secretly loved about her. This one said ‘TAKEN BY A SMOKIN’ HOT LAWYER’ with a pair of red lip prints next to the writing. I dropped my pen as I pushed my chair back from my desk and patted my thigh. She sauntered over to me with a silly smile on her face and sat in my lap.

“Smoking hot lawyer?” I asked her with a grin as I wrapped my arms around her waist.

Her eyes sparkled and she leaned down to kiss me putting one arm behind my neck and the other hand on my chest, “Mmmmm, yeah, you should meet him. He’s got these beautiful green eyes that just make me melt when he looks at me…” She peppered me with kisses as she spoke. “A mouth that can run a mile a minute but always makes sure I know how much he loves me…” Kiss, kiss. “Hands that are strong and firm, but gentle and loving at the same time…” Kiss, kiss, kiss. “A tongue that is sharper than a whip but gives so much pleasure just where I like it…” More kisses. “A pe…”

I lifted her off my lap at that point and pushed her to standing while I scooted myself back under my desk, “Okay! That’s enough of that.” I was certain I was beet red at that point and her little monologue had me in desperate need of readjusting myself.

“Why Rafael, I was just going to say a pen mightier than any sword,” she innocently batted her eyelashes at me while I shifted in my chair and yanked on my pants a bit.

I gave her a pointed look but smiled as she kept batting those damn eyelashes, there really wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for the woman.

She walked around to the front of my desk and sat on the edge of it while she smiled over at me, “It’s time for us to meet everyone at Forlini’s for dinner. Reservations are at six and it’s 5:30 now.”

“Okay, just give me a minute, will you? Out of my sight so I can get myself back under control please,” I asked her with a pained smile, making a shooing motion with my hands.

Laughing she stood and walked out of my office to talk to Carmen. I turned my back on the door and just sat there with my eyes closed for a few minutes bringing myself back under control. She had been the only woman in my entire life who had ever been able to make me lose control of myself like that. And damn it, the little minx knew it too. When my body was cooperating with me again, I stood up, rolled my sleeves back down to button the cuffs, and put my jacket back on and buttoned it as well.

I didn’t drive to the DA’s office that day knowing that we’d be going out that evening so we walked to Forlini’s. She had her hands wrapped around my left elbow and my hands were in my pockets. I had her present tucked into the inner pocket of my jacket, and I’d give it to her after dinner after our friends showered her with their gifts. At first I feared she might want to go to Flannery’s for karaoke and would put off our gathering until that Wednesday but she opted for dinner and drinks with everyone at Forlini’s. Probably because she knew the karaoke wasn't my favorite thing, I had to admit though, it was amusing to watch Cassidy try to sing. And Rollins and Lexi together were actually pretty good so it was interesting to listen to them and the songs they chose. Their rendition of The Beastie Boys _Fight For Your Right_ gave the entire bar a great laugh. She kept trying to get me to sing with them and I kept refusing. In public I still only sang O Holy Night for my mother and Abuelita at Christmas at their church. I did sing to Lexi on occasion at home, usually something silly, but I’d never sung for her in public. Yet anyway.

When we got to the restaurant Liv and Cassidy were already waiting with Rollins and Amaro, since Munch had retired that left Tutuola to catch the overnight calls. Some of Lexi’s friends from the hospital and a few of my own were also coming, in total about fifteen of us for dinner. I knew Lexi had invited Eddie but he was busy with Alex at a fundraiser that night and promised to catch me on my birthday. It was probably one of the best birthday celebrations we’d had. I hadn’t realized just how stymied our life was until we started going out with friends, and I stopped worrying who saw what. Lexi was showered with various gifts from her friends, books, clothing, that bath stuff women are always using. Liv, Cassidy, Amaro, and Rollins had given me a book about the history of the Supreme Court with picture of all of the courts through the years as the Justices changed, and I was also given a bottle of expensive scotch.

When it came time to give our presents to each other Lexi gave me a first edition first printing copy of Kurt Vonnegut’s _Slaughterhouse Five_ actually signed by Vonnegut. I was stunned that she’d managed to find a first edition first printing, let alone one actually signed by Vonnegut. It was my favorite book and favorite author.

“Lexi, this is unbelievable. Thank you,” I ran my hands over the dust cover then set the box with the book on the table and tangled my hand in her hair and pulled her to me to kiss her fiercely. “Te amo mi alma,” I whispered against her lips.

She licked her lips, kissed me again, and grinned, “You’re welcome Rafael. I love you too.”

“My turn,” I pulled a slim box out of my inner pocket and handed it to her.

Her eyes widened as she looked from the box to me and she dug into the metallic blue paper. When she got to the slim black jewelry box and opened it to the ruby and diamond tennis bracelet inside she gasped. It was one she had admired in the shop where she found the wine rack we had given Connie and Cutter for their wedding. It had five carved gold flowers with a ruby in the center of each and links with diamond chips between each flower.

“How did you know?” She held the bracelet out to me and set the box on table while she held her wrist up for me to fasten the bracelet around.

It was beautiful on her, as I knew it would be. I kissed her lips then her nose, and smiled at her, “I pay attention.”

She gave me a quizzical look, I really didn’t think she had any idea at all how much I had watched her through the years. Or how much I loved her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may actually be 3 to 4 chapters rather than two. I’ve been going back and watching October Surprise to get some of the scene setting right and am still writing. Thus far I’m at 12k words, including this chapter, and am not quite yet done. So, there will be a chapter posted as each is complete and edited until October Surprise is done, and then I will be back to weekly updates. Also, all of these chapters, except for one specific section, are written from Rafael’s point of view. Lexi’s section is fairly short but pretty pertinent to the overall story arc.


	20. Not Eddie...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains excerpts from the episode 'October Surprise' of which I take no credit for. I did revise some of the dialogue to fit my storyline where I wanted to change a few things or expand. And I couldn’t find the name of the D.A. who took Jack’s place after he was noted to no longer be the D.A. in season 13 so I made up a name.

**Rafael’s POV**

It was my birthday, and since it was a Thursday I was working and Lexi and I planned to go from my office to Abuelita’s for dinner. I had come back to the office after lunch to do some case prep and just opened one of the glass cabinets behind my desk to pull a legal treatise out for reference. Just as my hand touched the book there was a knock on my door and I turned to see Carmen letting Alex into my office.

Alex was beaming and pointing at me as Carmen backed out of the office, “Que pasa, Rafael?”

I came from behind my desk with a huge smile on my face to take his hand and hug him, “You look great, Mr. Mayor.”

“Oh no, not yet. I’m still going to need your vote,” he gestured at me.

I nodded and smiled, “Uh-huh you don’t have to visit me for that.” I knew he hadn’t come to my office for that, he hadn’t visited me for any reason in years.

“I was doing a presser in front of city hall. I figured we’d grab a coffee,” he told me.

“Well, I’m already on my fourth cup, but I’ll get you something,” The last thing I probably needed was more caffeine, I moved around him to the door.

“You have bustelo?” I stopped to look at him. He laughed and waved me off, “Let me guess, Starbucks.”

Carmen came to the door and I turned to her, “Carmen can you get him a coffee?”

“Sure.”

Alex looked more serious then, “I know you’re busy, man. Can I talk to you about something?” He moved around me to close the door behind us.

“Sure. Anything, Alex.”

“It’s about Eddie,” his voice was more subdued, somber even and it worried me.

I wasn’t going to let on that I knew Eddie had been working for him, so I played like I hadn’t seen Eddie in a long time, “Eddie? Eddie Garcia from the projects.”

“He got into a stupid fight with a girl. She says he tried to rape her. SVU picked him up last night. We got to take care of him,” he instructed, always telling me and Eddie what to do.

But now I was really concerned, that was not at all like the Eddie I knew. He cried when he found out what happened to Lexi. Despite all the heartache his wife put him, his son, and his mother through, Eddie never raised a hand or voice to her. I knew that, and what Alex was telling me just didn’t make sense. “Okay Alex, I’ll see what I can find out.”

“Thanks Rafael, keep me posted, yeah?” He asked pointing at me again, before opening the door to walk out of my office.

Carmen handed him a covered styrofoam cup of coffee that he took with him as he left the office, raising it in the air slightly and tilting his head to her. I doubt he realized I was watching, but I caught what looked like a leer directed at her as he walked through the door of my outer office. She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders slightly as I stepped back into my office with my mind turning around what he told me. If Eddie had been picked up last night someone should be questioning him now so I decided to head over there. I grabbed my jacket off the back of my chair and shrugged it on, then let Carmen know I’d be at SVU for a while.

I drove over to SVU and even though I knew I didn’t need any more caffeine I was holding a nearly empty cup of coffee while I watched Rollins and Fin talk to Eddie in the interrogation room when Liv walked in.

“Counselor. I didn’t see you come in,” she smiled as she walked into the room with me and I turned off the audio. “Happy Birthday by the way.”

I nodded, “Thanks Liv.” I was quiet a second, “I didn’t want to make it a state occasion.”

She looked between me and the people sitting around the table in the interrogation room, “This, uh, case seems a little below your radar, no?”

I didn’t take my eyes off of Eddie as I spoke, “I have…an interest.” Glancing her way, I hesitated, “Sidebar?”

She must have sensed my discomfort, “Sure.”

We walked out and opted to go to Forlini’s. I kept my gaze out of the window and stayed silent while she drove. After we were sitting at a table with coffee I told her about Alex’s visit.

“So, Alex Munoz, the mayoral candidate, called you on this?” Liv asked, her voiced laced with some confusion.

I was smiling thinking back to my childhood with Eddie and Alex, “He is an old friend. We grew up together.”

She smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear, “Oh, with Eddie.”

“Mm-hmm. Los tres muscateros de Jerome Avenue. The three musketeers of Jerome Avenue. Alex had the heart. I had the mouth, of course,” I didn’t think that surprised her at all, she was smiling as I spoke. “Eddie had the muscle to protect us when we got into trouble.”

“So, you stayed in touch after all these years?” She lifted her coffee to take a drink as she watched me.

“Mm, less and less. They stayed in the Bronx. Alex went to Fordham, started working as a community organizer. You know, he almost single-handedly saved the neighborhood. And meanwhile, Eddie bounced around. He got a job at Rikers,” I was looking at my cup thinking about all I had probably missed with my choice to get out of the Bronx.

“Well, I got to say, I’m impressed that Alex Munoz has the time to watch out for a childhood friend,” Liv sounded skeptical.

“Well Eddie’s been volunteering for him. He’s been driving him around during the campaign,” I told her as I thought back to the gala where Lexi and I ran into Eddie.

“So, is Alex watching out for Eddie, or watching out for Alex?” Her expression was suspicious now.

“Both, I guess.” I sighed, “Eddie’s no genius, but he’s a good man. Since his wife flaked off three years ago, he’s been taking care of his mother and raising his boy on his own.”

She took a deep breath, “And it doesn’t excuse an attempted rape.”

I shook my head, “No one is saying that it should Liv. But, I mean, what if that’s not what it was? And there’s benefit of the doubt. I’d like to make sure Eddie gets it.” I just couldn’t believe this of Eddie, not him.

She looked a little annoyed but she nodded, “Okay, we’ll talk to Lindsay again and see what else we can find out.”

A few hours later I was headed back to my office from the court house when I ran into Liv getting out of her car.

“Got a minute?” She asked.

“Walk with me?” I asked, and headed back into the DA building with her following behind telling me what she and Amaro were able to find out from Lindsay.

“Lindsay told you Eddie came into the store with his wife?” I asked after we’d gotten into the elevator and glanced over to see the look of irritation on Liv’s face. “No chance. He hasn’t seen her in three years. She’s partying in Miami…”

“Are you sure? Cause he still wears his ring,” she sounded exasperated.

I smiled and looked at her, “I’m sure. Eddie’s…eh, he just Catolico, loyal. So Lindsay saw the ring, tried to make up a story.” _Catholic._

“Yeah, then she says that she’d be more comfortable just talking to Amaro,” Liv’s distaste for the girl was obvious, she didn’t like games.

“Because she thinks she has a better chance of working the male partner?” I said and looked over, she was nodding and pursing her lips. “So she’s lied to you, tried to manipulate you…”

“So did Eddie,” she interjected.

“I know Eddie’s story.” The elevator dinged for my floor. “What’s hers?”

I got off the elevator and Liv stayed behind. As I walked to my office I checked my watch and noted it was already 4:30 p.m. Lexi would be in my office in thirty minutes. Carmen was behind her desk and handed me three new files and two phone messages. One from Alex, and one from my mother. I rolled my eyes.

Carmen went back to her computer and I glanced at her before I walked through my office door, “Go ahead on home Carmen.” Normally she’d stay until I left for the night which wasn’t fair to her when I was in the office especially late if Lexi worked an overnight shift.

She nodded, “Thank you Mr. Barba.” Shutting her computer down she grabbed her things from the drawer she kept her personal items in and headed out.

Twenty minutes later Lexi walked in as I was putting the same treatise that I was after that morning when Alex came by back in the glass case. She was beautiful as always. We had managed to talk Mami and Abuelita into going out for dinner tonight so she was wearing a dark pink dress that skimmed her curves, showed some cleavage, and came to just above her knees. The locket Mami and Abuelita gave her was around her neck and the bracelet I’d given her was on her wrist. She also had on the same silver sandals she wore to the gala and carried a small silver handbag. My Lexi was stunningly beautiful and she simply had no idea.

“Happy Birthday my handsome ADA,” she told me with a smile on her lips.

I hummed and kissed those lips before shrugging into my jacket, “Thanks. I think.” I chuckled, “Mami has already called and left a message to remind me to pick them up at 5:30. And Alex left me a message as well.”

Her eyebrow rose when she heard that, “Really? About what?”

“Eddie,” I told her as I buttoned my jacket.

She scrunched her face up in confusion, “What about him?”

“He’s been accused of rape,” I told her carefully, I really wasn’t sure how she’d take that.

Lexi narrowed her eyes and chewed on her bottom lip as she absorbed what I told her before she shook her head, “I can’t believe that of Eddie. That’s not him. Something else is going on there.”

I nodded, “I know, I just don’t know what yet. I can’t really tell you much but it sounds like the girl has an agenda.”

She tilted her head back slightly, “Huh.”

“What are you thinking?” I asked as we walked out of my office and I locked it, I locked the outer office door as well once we were in the hallway.

Dropping her chin she examined her pink painted toenails as we walked to the elevator, “I don’t know that you want to hear what I think on this Raf.”

My eyes widened in surprise at her words and I glanced her way as we stepped in the elevator, “Lexi, I always want to hear what you think. Even if I don’t agree with you at times.”

She sucked in a breath, “I think Alex is taking advantage of him. Just like he did both of you when you were young. You just got away from him, Eddie didn’t.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything as I took her hand and we walked to our car. We picked Mami and Abuelita up right at 5:30 but of course Mami couldn’t help herself and berated me for not getting there sooner. Lexi kept her hand on the back of my neck on the drive to the restaurant, a small Cuban place near Abuelita’s apartment that we had been going to for years.

Once we were seated and were looking at menus Mami put a box on the table in front of me. Lexi’s eyes danced as she looked at my mother and grinned.

I rolled my eyes and smiled at her, “What did you two do? I’ve told you, don’t spend your money on me.”

Mami shrugged her shoulders, “What? You’re my son. I can spend my money on you if I want. So can Mama. Don’t worry Rafi, it’s not much. Just something we thought you’d like. Happy Birthday mijo.”

I unwrapped the box after handing my menu to Lexi. Inside was a coffee cup that said ‘COFFEE PROSECUTE REPEAT’ along with several different bags of ground coffee and boxes of single serve coffee. Laughing I showed Lexi what they had given me and she rolled her eyes and pushed on my shoulder playfully.

“Just what you need, more coffee to fuel your caffeine addiction,” she laughed.

“El Juez needs his coffee,” Abuelita told us simply.

I shook my head and grabbed her hand on top of the table, “Abuelita, I’m not a judge.”

She squeezed my hand and patted it with her other one, “Soon Rafi, soon.”

The waitress came and we ordered dinner and drinks then.

“Alex came to see me at the school this morning,” Mami told us while she set some of the tortilla chips from the bowl in the middle of the table in front of Abuelita and pushed the pico in front of her as well.

Lexi casually moved a hand to my thigh under the table and squeezed to remind me she had my back. I smiled over to her before answering my mother.

“Oh? What did he want?” I asked carefully.

“He’s going to fix the problems in the schools. Alex said he was visiting many of the schools and talking to the principals. He wanted to know what I thought were the priorities. And he asked how you both were,” she told us.

I looked at Lexi as she turned her head toward me. “Okay. What did you tell him?”

She shrugged, “Nothing. That you were both well.”

“Mmhmm. Did he ask you anything else?” I wanted to know.

Mami gave me a sharp look, “Why the interest Rafi? He’s about to be Mayor. You should talk to him, see what he might have for you to do once he’s in office.”

I groaned and Lexi gave my thigh a squeeze, “Mami, I’m happy in the DA’s office, I don’t want to work with Alex.”

She rolled her eyes and waved her hand at me, “You should have stuck with him when you were young. You’d probably be a judge by now.”

Thankfully our food came then, I could feel Lexi’s tension next to me. I had told her before the effect Alex had on my mother but she saw him differently than either of us did. It was frustrating for me to be compared to my oldest friend all of my life. To have to try to measure up to him, and feel like I’d let my mother and grandmother down by making the choices I did.

The next day I was walking down the hall of the courthouse with Liv and Amaro with Eddie’s case file in hand reading through it.

“Good news, bad news counselor. Eddie wasn’t in a relationship with Lindsay, and he wasn’t trying to rape her,” Amaro actually sounded relieved.

I turned around to face them, “Get to the bad part.” I was thankful Eddie had been cleared of the attempted rape, that just wasn’t him.

Amaro looked to Liv and back to me, “Well, we think she may have been in a relationship with Alex Munoz. And when she tried to shake him down, Alex sent Eddie over to tune her up.”

“Interesting theory.” A defense attorney walked by us greeting me with “Counselor” and I gave him a tight smile as he continued on. “Is that all it is?”

“Well, Lindsay’s M.O. is to get her hooks into powerful, married men,” Liv emphasized the word married to make a point.

“Look, she’s a heat-seeking missile, and Eddie has no heat. Your friend Alex does,” Amaro told me.

I couldn’t believe that, not after all Alex and Yelina did to be together, “If you knew Yelina, you’d know he’d never step out on her.”

“With all due respect, counselor, you may not be totally objective.” Amaro sounded like he was trying to be reasonable, and he might have been right.

“Nick…”

“Look, if Eddie was sent to assault her or scare her…” he started.

I interrupted him, “I understand what you’re saying, and you’re wrong. But take the steps you would with any other investigation. No one’s interfering.” I really didn’t want to believe this was possible, how did we get from Eddie attempting to rape some girl to Alex being involved with that same girl? It made no sense.

Several hours later I was at my desk reading through some case law and attempting to write a brief when my desk phone rang. I dropped my pen and picked it up hoping it wouldn’t be my mother.

“ADA Barba.”

“Want to tell me why two detectives from SVU paid a visit to Hank Abraham asking about Alex Munoz and some woman named Lindsay?” John Eason, the D.A., asked in a clipped tone.

“I wasn’t aware they did sir,” I told him, closing my eyes and leaning my forehead into my other hand. This was so not a conversation I needed to be having. “This might be a case I need to recuse myself from.”

“Absolutely not, stay on it. There are too many eyes on this. Find out what is going on, and keep me posted. Understood?” He snapped.

“Yes sir,” I told him and he disconnected.

I hung up my desk phone. I knew the last thing he wanted was his office being accused of some kind of political agenda to keep a popular mayoral candidate out of office. I picked up my cell phone and called Liv and told her to meet me with Amaro at the front entrance of the DA building immediately and disconnected the call before she could protest.

When I got downstairs I saw the two of them standing outside, and as I walked through the doors I did my best to keep my temper in check, “So the D.A. heard that you guys paid a visit to Alex’s media consultant? You want to tell me how that went?”

“Hank Abraham just sent Lindsay off to Israel with his right-hand man,” Amaro told me, and I motioned them to walk away from the entrance with me.

I was shocked and my voice reflected it, “Wait, does Alex know about this?”

“Well, he should. The aide who flew off with Lindsay, he was working on Alex’s campaign till yesterday,” Amaro told me.

“I’m sorry. He leaves the country right before the elections?” I gestured with my left hand to emphasize my words and looked at Amaro who was smiling.

“Either he thinks the race is in the bag, or…”

“Look, he’s helping Munoz out by making sure that Lindsay can’t talk to us,” Liv intervened before Amaro and I could get into a verbal debate.

I stopped and waved my hands in front of me, “Hold on. Did you ask Alex if he was involved with this woman?”

Amaro faced me, “We did, and he gave a categorical denial.”

“What about Eddie?” I looked between them.

“He’s been ducking us ever since his release,” Liv told me in a calmer tone.

“I can make a call,” I told them, speculating what could be going on. What had Alex dragged Eddie into?

“Actually, I was going to suggest going the other way. Have you thought about formally recusing yourself, counselor?” Amaro was pushing.

“Nick…” Liv tried.

“Believe me, I would like nothing more,” I started.

“But?” Amaro prodded.

“The D.A. has asked me to stay on it,” I told them.

“Oh, so he’s hanging you out to dry,” Liv sounded skeptical again.

I looked at her, I was getting annoyed, “He’s asked me to stay on it. Given the optics, he wants to be kept in the loop.”

“Oh, so you can keep Munoz in the loop?” Amaro was being an ass.

I looked at him, “You’re out of line, detective.”

Amaro was smiling, “Am I?”

Liv tried to play mediator, “Guys, please. We’d like to keep digging.”

“Go ahead,” I told them. “But we’re ten days away from an election. If you’re gonna take aim at the frontrunner, make sure you don’t miss,” I threw back at them as I walked back in the building and took the stairs to my floor.

Pulling my phone out of my pocket I called Eddie.

“Rafi!” He answered on the first ring.

“Eddie, I need you to stop ducking the SVU detectives. Please,” I was worried he was in way over his head and didn’t know it.

“Yeah, okay Rafi,” he agreed.

“Thank you. Look I’ve gotta go but we’ll catch up soon okay?” I told him.

“Yeah Rafi, yeah,” was all he said before we disconnected.

I knew Lexi was due on shift in a few hours and I really wanted her to stop by before she went in. She was probably sleeping since she was working overnight so I typed out a text to send to her.

_Come by my office before you go in tonight, really need to see you. Te amo._

Scrubbing my hand over my face I hit send and made my way back to my office once I reached my floor with a million and one thoughts going through my head and more worries than I knew what to do with.

**Lexi’s POV**

After I got up and saw Raf’s text I let him know I wasn’t due in until 7 and would stop by his office around 6. When I got to his floor I walked into his outer office and could hear his and Yelina's voices. I'm not normally a nosy person but I was curious as to what they could possibly be talking about so I sat down at Carmen's desk rather than interrupt them.

"Rafael, you're Alex's oldest friend. Is this something that we need to worry about?" I heard Yelina ask.

"Yelina he...I really can't talk to you about this," Raf told her in a serious tone.

"My husband didn't marry a fool. I mean, Alex is on the verge of doing something really great for all of us. Papi, don't ruin his chances," she said to him. Her use of Papi with him infuriated me, it felt way too intimate on her part.

"Look, If he's got nothing to hide, he's got nothing to worry about," Raf said. What the hell could Alex have done?

"So it's like that?" She sounded hurt.

Raf hummed but didn't say anything else.

"Just tell me one thing. Is this in any way...about us?"

I heard Raf snort, "Yelina there was never an us."

"Rafi, you were my first love, we'll always have that."

"I'm not a naive 16-year-old boy any more, I know better than that. Alex was your first love, I was a means to an end," Raf paused and I heard Yelina's sharp intake of breath. "But I've forgiven you both. Would you like to know why?"

There was absolute silence.

Raf chuckled, "I'll take your silence as my cue to continue. I've forgiven you because I got the better end of our miserable love triangle if that's what you want to call it. It made me really appreciate what I had with Lexi. She didn't have to but she took me back and forgave me. So every day I wake up with her is one more day I remember how lucky I am that a woman as strong, beautiful, kind, and loyal as Lexi loves me." He stressed the first syllable of the word loyal.

I heard Yelina huff then and she walked out of Raf's office and through his outer office right out of the door without even seeing me.

It took me a minute or two to really register what Raf said to Yelina and what it meant. He had no idea I was in his office and heard any of their exchange so it wasn't for my benefit and he wasn't the kind of man to say what he didn't mean either. In so many words he basically told Yelina that I was the love of his life. Something finally clicked into place in my ever-worrying brain and I realized that he really did mean it when he told me I was the other half of his soul. Rafael Barba was my fairytale knight in shining armor, even if his armor was a three-piece suit.

Feeling guilty I stood from Carmen's desk and walked into Raf's office where I found him sitting behind his desk rubbing his temples with his eyes closed, and a bottle of ibuprofen sitting open in the middle of the desk. I peeked into it and noted it appeared to be almost empty.

"You're not eating them like candy again are you?" I asked him in a serious tone. There were occasions in the past that he'd buy a 100-tablet bottle of them and they'd be gone in a little over a week. He was so stubborn when it came to taking care of his health that it infuriated me. Exercise was one thing I never had to argue with him on. At times he would use that to diffuse some of his frustrations, but on those occasions where he didn't have that ability and his blood pressure was up or his migraines were more frequent he'd live on caffeine and ibuprofen.

His eyes opened and he smiled widely at me before leaning back in his chair and patting his left thigh. I moved around the desk to sit on his proffered thigh and put my arm behind his neck as he wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned his head against mine.

"Mi alma, just seeing and holding you right now is better medicine than any drug could ever be," he said into my ear.

I chuckled and snuggled into his side even more, "What’s going on Raf? What’s wrong? I saw Yelina leaving when I came in.” It was only a small lie, I really didn’t think he needed to know I’d been eavesdropping.

He groaned and moved so he could press his forehead into the skin at the hollow of my throat. I was in my scrubs but I could feel his breath through the tank top under my scrub top, “I can’t talk about this. He’s…” Raf sat up to look me in the eyes. His green eyes were troubled. “I don’t know. He might have been unfaithful to Yelina.”

I hated to think it but that didn’t surprise me at all. Connie was right, the man was a womanizer. I lifted a hand to his cheek and ran my hand over it and through his disheveled hair, “Do you know that for sure?” I had no doubts, but I knew Raf still wouldn’t want to believe it.

“No, no. But SVU is still investigating,” he said absently.

I tapped his shoulder, “Wait? You mean this has something to do with the accusations against Eddie?”

He nodded, “But Eddie was cleared of the attempted rape accusation.”

Shrugging I pursed my lips, “Good, I knew that wasn’t him. But how did you get from that to Alex is cheating?”

“I…” He searched my eyes, I knew he wanted to talk about this, but I also knew he was bound by his ethics not to discuss an ongoing investigation. “I just can’t talk about this. I’ve said too much already”

I smiled and hugged him to me, “It’s okay Raf. You know I’m here however you need me.”

He kissed the curve of my neck before putting his forehead there and mumbling, “I know mi alma. You always have been.”

As much as I hated to do it I had to leave then. My shift started in 40 minutes and I needed to get a cab to the hospital since it was dark. Raf still had so much to do I wasn’t going to ask him to take me, and I knew he needed to think and process whatever had been happening that had him so upset. If Yelina took the time to seek him out even she must have suspected something was amiss in the House of Munoz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter goes back to Rafael’s POV for the rest of October Surprise which will have two more chapters after this one. I’m still re-watching the episode as I go to get certain setting and dialogue right. Next update once I’m halfway through the rest.


	21. The Full Munoz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I’m not sure if maybe the scene cards were just done wrong or what, but the scenes of Rafael and Alex in the diner and then Rafael back at SVU that day where he and Nick have their elevator argument were on a Saturday. I left it as is since I suppose it might be reasonable to think they might all work on a Saturday now and again. Either that or everyone went home and changed clothes in the middle of the day.  
> Contains excerpts from the episode 'October Surprise' of which I take no credit for. I did revise some of the dialogue to fit my storyline where I wanted to change a few things or expand.

**Rafael’s POV**

Later that same evening, several hours after Lexi had left my office, I got a text from Liv telling me I needed to get over to SVU right away. I closed up my office and drove over there immediately. When I got there I opened the door of the SVU conference room to find Rollins sitting at the table with a laptop in front of her, Tutuola was sitting in a chair to her left, and Liv and Amaro were standing behind her.

“All right, where’s the fire?” I asked them, closing the door behind me.

“There’s something that we need you to see.” Liv’s voice was reserved, and meant to be soothing as she sat in a chair next to Rollins.

“Since Lindsay found her other chumps through social media, we figured she might have done the same with Munoz.” Nick sat down behind them as he spoke. He was smiling, almost like the cat that ate the canary.

I tucked my cell phone in the inside pocket of my jacket as I listened to Rollins talking.

“So, I went online, and I set up an ‘I heart Alex Munoz for mayor’ page. He messaged me back within half an hour.”

The chat screen showed Alex with a message to Rollins that said ‘Hey Babe.’

When she scrolled down I was surprised as I read her response, “‘When you talked about the pension system, I got so excited!,’“ I hesitated, “You set up a honey trap?”

“Mm-hmmm,” she nodded.

Tutuola pointed to the screen with a smile, “Scroll down.”

“Okay.” She scrolled the screen down to a chat bubble from Alex that said ‘You did? How about a photo of you watching?’ “So, I asked him, ‘Are you sure you can handle it?’ He responded, ‘Yes, but not here.’“

I was starting to feel sick to my stomach, this was just not what I was expecting, “He wanted to meet?”

Liv looked up at me as she spoke, “Well, not exactly. He asked her to switch to a less public site.”

“Okay.” Rollins hit a key on the laptop again and a new site came up, she looked back at me as she told me the site name, “Pleasurewithoutconscience.com.”

Amaro stood up and moved to stand behind her, next to me.

I was appalled, “A cheating site? Alex has an account?”

“Well, no, not by name. But his alter ego does,” she pulled up a profile for an ‘Enrique Trouble’ with a private chat window.

“‘Enrique Trouble’?” I asked, my voice clearly indicating my disbelief.

Tutuola chuckled, “I think that’s his porno name.”

“Come on, you…This can’t be real,” I was floundering for words, not wanting to believe this was possible.

Amaro smiled as he spoke and I cut my eyes to him, “Well, it’s a nice avi.”

“Moving on. Okay, he asked for a picture first, so I sent him this selfie,” Rollins had sent him a picture of her cleavage with only the bottom half of her face showing. She waved Tutuola off as he grinned at her, “Thank you.”

“Any response?” I was hoping it would end there.

Liv was looking at the screen, but her voice was quiet and calm, “Not yet.”

I shook my head glancing to Liv, “This could all be a hoax.” I focused back on Rollins and the laptop when she started talking again.

“Yeah, but that’s why I went ahead and asked him for a photo, okay?” She talked as she typed, “You’ve seen me. Let me see you.”

“Don’t hold your breath. He’s at a fundraiser with his wife and daughters right now ten days away from the election. He can’t waste time,” I told them all, every one of them looked at me like I was out of my mind.

Tutuola spoke up and looked at me seriously, “No. Guys like this, they make the time.”

The computer dinged, and a picture of a man’s bare chest wearing an untucked and unbuttoned tuxedo shirt popped up. It certainly looked like it could be Alex.

“We’ve got a reply,” Rollins told us helpfully.

“Well, you said he was at an event. Doesn’t that look like a tuxedo shirt?” Amaro asked me.

“There’s no face. I mean, it could be anyone,” Liv interjected, ever the mediator when the rest were trying to gang up on me.

“Okay, well, wait. How about this?” Rollins was typing again, “Um, ‘Is that all you’ve got?” ‘

I took a deep breath, hoping like hell that this stopped with just the bare-chested photo. The computer dinged again and a picture of the same man in his boxers with his pants down around his ankles popped up this time.

“Oh, good lord,” Rollins sounded disappointed, as if she had really been hoping she wouldn’t get a response.

The computer dinged again and this time it was a close up of the man’s erect penis. And the damning evidence was right there in front of me, Alex had failed to pay attention to where he was focusing his phone because Yelina’s name was visible behind his erection. He had told me years ago, after Yelina broke it off with me the second time to go back to him, that he had her name tattoo’d there to prove his love to her. That she’d be the only woman he would ever be with again. And here he was propositioning Rollins.

Tutuola held up his hands to block his view, “Oh! Okay! That’s the full Munoz right there.”

Liv turned her head away from the screen, “Oh, no!”

Amaro looked at me and pointed to the screen, “And this guy wants to be the next mayor of New York?”

Liv was looking at me with her fingers pressed to her mouth as I looked at the floor and felt sick while I thought about what this really meant.

I looked at Rollins who was giving me an understanding look. She probably knew what I felt better than anyone in the room. “Send me those pictures,” I instructed her.

She nodded as I abruptly left the room. I walked as quickly as I could to the elevator and went down to my car, and I just started driving aimlessly while I thought about what had happened over the last few days.

Alex and Yelina had hurt me deeply when I found out they were cheating with each other, and had been for as long as I was with her. I’d believed that when I graduated law school and came home to New York that she and I would get married and have a family. She had come to visit me at Harvard just before I started law school and I thought things were great, I thought she was happy and waiting for me to come home to New York. Then one evening after classes I came home to my apartment and found her in bed with Alex. That was the year before I met Lexi.

They tried to tell me it was a one-time thing, that it had never happened before and Yelina was just lonely because I’d been away from home for so long. After hours of yelling, cursing, and crying they finally told me the truth. They’d been together off and on since Yelina was 15. Alex and I were the same age, Yelina was a year younger. I didn’t quite realize what that meant until several years later when Lexi and I were first together and I recognized that Yelina had lied to me yet again.

Then when Yelina had begged me to take her back after I graduated law school and I was stupid enough to leave Lexi for her I thought Yelina was sincere. I thought she loved me, and really did want me. As it turned out she was just mad at Alex, who had found an interest in another girl, and she was simply using me to get him back. Once I realized what was going on I left immediately, and called Lexi to tell her I had been a fool.

I looked up and realized I was pulling into the visitor’s parking lot at Bellevue. As always when I was troubled, somehow, I was drawn to Lexi without realizing it. When I told her she was the other half of my soul I wasn’t kidding. There was this pull on me that always brought me back to her, no matter what happened. Through all the years that we spent on again and off again, it always came down to Lexi. I dated other women when we were apart, but it was never the same. Every single one was inadvertently compared to Lexi, and no one could hold a candle to her. It really was my fault that we spent so much time apart. Her residency and fellowship played a part, but we could have done the long-distance relationship had I not been afraid of getting hurt again. I spent too many years keeping her at a distance because of Alex and Yelina and I was feeling like such a fool.

I found an empty parking space and sat in the car for a few minutes. Checking my watch, I noted it was 11p.m., I’d been driving around for almost an hour. Getting out of the car I walked to the front entrance of the hospital then detoured to the bench that sat in a grassy area in the courtyard set to the side of the ER. I needed Lexi but I wasn’t ready to text or call her yet, just being in her vicinity was enough right then. Comforting. I sat down on the bench and leaned my elbows on my knees and laced my hands together in front of me as I thought.

I wasn’t sure how long I sat there like that before I smelled her body lotion, a faint gardenia scent, and a hot cup was pressed into my hand. Turning my head, I looked to see Lexi sitting next to me Indian style on the bench watching me with concern on her face.

“Rosie told me you’ve been sitting out here for the last hour,” she said gently as she reached a hand out to my face.

I leaned my cheek into her hand and closed my eyes, breathing in her scent and feeling my world calm, “Yeah, I needed to be near you.”

“What’s wrong Rafael?” She asked as she moved closer to me so our bodies were touching.

I sat up and leaned into her as I brought the cup of coffee to my mouth and took a drink. She held her hand out to me palm up and I moved my coffee to my other hand so I could lace my fingers with hers. “I don’t want to keep you Lexi, you have patients that need you.”

She smiled over at me, “Now who is putting others needs ahead of their own?” Shaking her head, she squeezed my hand, “I’m not on Trauma service tonight, and I have an attending and a resident in there along with a medical student. Rosie will text me if they need me.”

“Tell Rosie I said thanks,” I said and leaned back on the bench as I bounced my leg in agitation.

“Are you able to tell me what’s bothering you, or is it related to the case?” She asked and turned her body so her left knee was snugged into my side and she could wrap her other hand around my bicep. Giving me as much of a physical connection to her as she was able to in that moment.

“Not really, no,” I shook my head, then looked into her blue eyes, “But you and Connie were right about Alex.”

She pressed her bottom lip up into her teeth. “I’m so sorry Raf,” she whispered.

“I thought…” I hesitated, words had escaped me, “I don’t know what I thought.”

Lexi’s hand moved to my chin and turned my face gently to look at her, “You thought Alex shared the same moral grounding that you do. Eddie does, he’s a little too blindly loyal, but Alex never has.”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, “Maybe you’re right.”

Her cell phone pinged then, and she pulled it out of her pocket to read the text, “Shit. PD is bringing in a guy high on PCP. Hopefully they don’t just leave once they get here like they did last time.” She was shaking her head as she untangled herself from me and stood up, “The last one tore up my ER. I’ve got to get inside, this will take all of us.”

I stood with her, I remembered that last time she was referring to, she came home with a black eye from the guy taking a swing at one of her nurses and Lexi blocked it. I was livid. But as she put it ‘Nobody messed with her nurses.’ I put a hand on each side of her face, “Be careful mi alma. I am an ADA, I’ll charge this one with assault and battery.”

She smiled and put her arms around me to kiss me, “My knight in a three-piece suit.”

I rolled my eyes and kissed her again before I let her go. She waved to me as she walked into the ER and I headed back to our car to head home for the night. She was on a 24-hour shift so she wouldn’t be home until late evening the next day.

The next morning, I met Alex in a small diner in the old neighborhood and was drinking coffee while Alex looked at the pictures I knew damn well he sent.

“My God, this is terrible. Someone’s setting me up,” Alex dropped my phone back on the table toward me.

I set my cup down and turned my phone over to close out the pictures, “That’s why I wanted to give you a chance to get in front of this.”

Alex sounded hurt and angry, “You can’t believe I sent these.”

I looked up at him, raised an eyebrow and quirked my lip up to let him know I wasn’t buying it, “So someone else, uh, sent the pictures of your penis?”

He looked away and cut his hand in the air over the table to emphasize his outrage when he looked back my way, “I’m not even gonna…I’m not even gonna dignify that with an answer.”

“Alejandro, por favor. I’m speaking to you as a friend, not a prosecutor,” I looked him in the eyes and told him evenly.

“I…I’ve been hacked,” he tried.

I shook my head and leaned forward, hopeful that was true, “Well, if that’s the case, then we can get our technical people to look into it…”

Alex interrupted me before I could continue, “No, no, I’ll put my team on it.” I sat back and sighed as he continued, “Rafael, how can you believe this? It’s obviously Wall Street trying to keep me out of City Hall.”

I was looking at my cup on the table as I spoke, “Alex, you need to be honest with me…” I looked up and met his eyes, “And honest with yourself. You came to me to ask for help on Eddie’s behalf.”

He was back to indignant as he spoke, “Because he’s my friend…And your friend.”

“You didn’t ask our friend to go to Lindsay and hush her up about…” I asked angrily.

He scowled at me, “Enough. I don’t have time for this.”

Alex got up and started to walk away.

I shook my head and frowned at the air in front of me as I spoke, loud enough for him to hear as he walked away, “It looks bad.”

He came back and glared down at me, “To who? To you?” He put his hands on the table and got down in my face, “Hmmm? You get to judge me? You my priest? You gonna tell me how many hail Marys I need to say?”

“Alex, I am going so way out on a limb for you. I could lose my job simply for speaking to you,” I told him seriously. “Please tell me that there are no other women out there.”

His expression turned smug at that point, “Yelina is the only one. I’m sorry if that still hurts, Rafael.”

I snickered as he walked away again, “That hasn’t hurt in a very long time Alejandro, I got the better end of that deal.”

Shaking my head, I stayed there tapping my fingers on top of my phone as I thought through everything from the last several days once again. I finished my coffee and paid for everything, leaving a generous tip, and headed over to SVU where I knew they were still working the investigation. When I got there, I went into the conference room and sat down at the table. Amaro, Rollins, Tutuola, and Liv filed in and stood around me.

“Alex claims Wall Street is setting him up,” I told them while tapping my phone on the table.

Amaro sat in a chair across from me, “What, you told him we were looking at his account?”

I raised a finger of the hand holding my phone and pointed in the air for emphasis, “I gave him a chance to get out in front of this.”

“So now not only is he tampering with witnesses, he has you covering it up for him,” Amaro leaned across the table and gestured toward me.

Liv came forward to stop our argument, “Guys, please.”

My voice was angry as I responded to Amaro, the man had a tendency to rub me the wrong way with his constant holier than thou attitude, “Did you find any evidence at all that Lindsay is shaking him down or that he’s paying to hush her up?”

Rollins stepped in, “There’s nothing so far on the public sites, but we’ll keep checking.”

“Do that.” I snapped and stood up and walked out of the room.

Amaro followed me out, “You know, counselor, hold up.”

I was walking quickly away from him buttoning my jacket. “What?” I snarled back.

“Look, her Facebook page is scrubbed clean. We can get a warrant, have TARU go through all his accounts. They might find something,” he reasoned as he followed behind me.

“A warrant for suspicion of sexting?” I asked and my cell phone pinged. “That’s not going to happen.” I told him as I looked at the incoming text, “Speaking of texts, our D.A. wants to be briefed. This should be short but not sweet.”

“You know, what you did…” I hit the elevator button while he prattled on, “Tipping off Munoz, you could be charged for obstruction yourself.”

I spun around to face him, “Go ahead, report me. See where that gets ya.”

He moved closer to me to get in my face, “But it’s not just about the sexting. We sit on all this till after the election, it’ll look like we were carrying the water for him too.”

“And if we take him out now based on innuendo, it’ll look like a political hit. Are we done?” I asked, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

I stepped into the elevator and Amaro jumped in behind me, “You driving me to the D.A.’s office, detective? Thank you.” He came around my side to face me and I looked at him. I calmed down and turned serious, “I am not cutting Munoz a break just because he’s my friend.”

“No, I get that. It’s not about friendship. It’s about you. You’re afraid to go after Munoz, because while he stayed in the hood, in el barrio, and played man of the people, you went off to Harvard and pretended you were one of the gringuitos,” he berated me.

I didn’t even look at him, “I know where I come from.”

He was like a dog with a bone, just would never let things go, “Yeah, so does Munoz, and he’s playing you, mi socio, and making you feel like a sellout. Like you were a coward.”

I looked at him at that point, “Thank you so much for the bodega psychoanalysis, detective. Compay. No te equivoque conmigo.” _Buddy. Make no mistake about me._

I went back to my office, grabbed the case files I’d been working on, tossed them in my briefcase, and locked up. I’d take them home and work on them there after I talked to the D.A. Fortunately he was calmer this time, and I updated him on what we knew so far. He wasn’t at all happy, neither was I, and he told me the same thing I’d told Amaro. We needed to be sure of what we were doing or it would look like a vendetta against the Mayoral frontrunner to take him out intentionally. I agreed and told him I’d keep him posted.

I picked Lexi up from the hospital at 8p.m. that night and since she was craving a pizza we stopped and picked one up to take home. It was Saturday and I had no intention of setting foot in the office on Sunday, Lexi didn’t go back on shift at the Hospital until Tuesday morning. So, we stayed up watching the original _Star Trek_ movies and eating Lexi’s pizza, and I didn’t even touch my files. Lexi slept in Sunday morning and I took the opportunity to work on the files that I had been neglecting while worrying over Eddie and Alex. After Lexi wandered downstairs, fresh from her shower, late in the morning we decided to stay in and enjoy some peace and quiet without any outside interferences for one day.

The following afternoon while I was sitting at my desk once again working on those same neglected case files I got a call from Tutuola to meet him and Rollins by my car in the D.A. building garage. When I got there Rollins handed me a manila folder that had something in it. I opened it and found a DVD, what appeared to be a porn flick called _Million Dollar A Night Baby_. They brought me up to speed on the one-time porn star Alex had gotten involved with.

I was looking between the two of them while I spoke, “So, Alex, a.k.a. Enrique Trouble, used his position to get a former porn star a patronage job in Albany?”

“They started off just sending each other junk shots. Then six months later, she started texting him about her kid and how she was having problems making ends meet,” Tutuola told me.

I raised an eyebrow and looked at him, “And he helped her out?”

Tutuola and I looked over at Rollins when she started to speak, “Well, not until she told him she got a call from a reporter wanting to collaborate on a book.” She emphasized the k in book.

Tutuola continued, “Then Alex started paying her off $500 a month, until he got into the mayor’s race. Then he came up with the state job.”

“Anything to show the money trail? Checks, wire deposits?” I asked him.

Tutuola shook his head, “Munoz is too smart for that. He had a bag man deliver the cash every time.”

I snickered, “And I know the bag man, don’t I?” I looked at Rollins who was just barely bobbing her head and quirked her lip and eyebrow in an affirmative response. “Okay, let me see what I can do. I’ll talk to Eddie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During the elevator scene between Nick and Barba at one point after Nick tells Barba Alex is making him feel like a sellout he says something in Spanish I could never quite catch but I was able to understand pendejo which in Cuba can also mean coward. Which based on their dialogue made sense so I chose to interpret it that way.


	22. October Heartbreak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter of October Surprise. 
> 
> Contains excerpts from the episode 'October Surprise' of which I take no credit for. I did revise some of the dialogue to fit my storyline where I wanted to change a few things or expand.

**Rafael’s POV**

The next afternoon I left the office a little early and stopped by Eddie’s apartment. His mother answered the door when I knocked.

“Rafael Barba!” She exclaimed and grabbed my shoulders pulling me into a tight hug.

“Mrs. Garcia,” I kissed her cheek and stepped inside when she waved me in. “Is Eddie here? I need to talk to him.”

“No, he took Danny to the park thirty minutes ago. The playground you boys used to play in,” she told me with a smile and patted my cheek. “He misses you, you know. It’s not the same with Alex as it was with you.”

I looked at the floor and bobbed my head, “I know Mrs. Garcia, I know. I haven’t stayed in touch like I should. I promise I’ll do better.”

She smiled and nodded, “That’s good. You go to the park, see Eddie.”

The park wasn’t far from their apartment so I walked over and found Eddie sitting on a bench watching his son play in the playground. As I walked up Eddie turned his head and noticed me.

He stood up and held his hand out to me which I took and hugged him, “Hey, Rafi. What’s good, hermano? How you find me here?”

“I stopped by your place, saw your mom,” I told him.

Eddie grinned and sat back down, “My mom looks good.”

I smiled absently and sat next to him, “Yeah. Yeah, she does Eddie.” I sighed and looked at him, “Bueno, we got to talk.”

“You know, they…,” he pointed to the playground. “They fixed this park since we were kids, right?”

I was thinking back to when we were kids. Me, Alex, and Eddie. We stuck together, at least I thought we did. “Yeah, they did. I remember how you always used to look out for me here. When that gang from PS 109 would come after me for my lunch money…You’d put your arm around me. You’d walk me to school. You said anybody that hurt me would have to deal with you”

Eddie was still smiling and watching me as he spoke, “You’re my brother, Rafi. I would never have learned English if it wasn’t for you.” I grinned at the memory and looked over at him. “We’re even, right?” He told me.

I nodded and looked off in front of me as I contemplated what I had to say to him, “I know that. You’re loyal…To a fault.”

“We’re not talking about PS 109 now, are we?” He asked and looked my way, the concern evident on his face. Eddie had really believed Alex would take care of him. “How much trouble am I in, Rafi?”

I sighed, “Witness tampering…Bribery. Eddie, those are felonies.”

Eddie was shaking his head, “I can’t…” He was speaking quietly now, “I can’t roll on Alex.”

I sat back on the bench, “You have got…” Leaning toward him I kept my voice down, “You have got to think about yourself now. Jail’s gonna go hard for an ex C.O.”

He turned my way, “Rafi, Alex has always been good to me, okay? He said when he becomes mayor, he’s going to get me a job at 1PP.”

I waved my hands in front of me to get him to stop that line of thinking, “Listen to me. Eddie, Alex is looking out for himself right now.” He looked worried now, “You’ve got your son and mother to think about. You’re not gonna be any good to them upstate.”

“I can’t hurt Alex,” he was shaking his head, but then looked me in the eyes, “You tell me what I should do. You were always the smart one.”

I clapped him on the back and looked away, this was all falling to me, “Let me talk to the D.A. See what I can do. I’ll call you, yeah?”

He nodded and looked back to the playground to watch Danny again.

I walked back to my car and drove to Flannery’s, dialing the D.A.s number as I did. He answered immediately and after a lot of discussion he agreed to give Eddie Queen for a day. If he told SVU everything no charges would be brought against him, but he cautioned me to tread carefully again reminding me that we didn’t want any charges against Alex to appear as a political hit. Once I got to the bar and sat down I ordered a scotch and called Eddie.

“Rafi, tell me you got good news,” he said when he answered.

“I do. The D.A. agreed to give you a pass on charges if you tell SVU everything,” I explained. “But if you hold anything back…” I hesitated. “Anything at all Eddie you will be charged, and you will go to jail.”

He was quiet before he spoke, “Don’t worry hermano, I’ll tell them what I know. All of it.”

“Thank you. You need to take a lawyer in with you. One that’s not associated with Alex. Do you need names?”

“Nah, I know a few from Rikers. Thanks for everything Rafi. I mean it,” his voice broke slightly.

I was quiet this time, “I’m just sorry I wasn’t there when you really needed me, before all of this happened.”

“Hermano, this wasn’t you. Alex, he…” Eddie started.

“I know Eddie. I know,” I told him, I knew where he was going. “Just tell them everything. I’ll talk to you in a few days, yeah?”

“Okay Rafi, thanks,” he said and we disconnected.

I called Liv next and told her what was going on and to expect Eddie in there with his lawyer the next day emphasizing that he had Queen for a day tomorrow only. She was surprised and asked if I was okay. I drank my scotch and told her that I’d be fine.

**Lexi’s POV**

It was about 8p.m. Tuesday evening when I was standing at the nurse’s station in the middle of the ER writing orders in an overdose patients chart when Rosie, my charge nurse, leaned onto the counter next to me. She gave me an odd look, and I stopped writing and turned her way.

“What’s wrong Rosie?”

Her eyes flicked to the double doors leading to the waiting room, “Senator Munoz is at reception asking for you.”

My eyes went wide, “What?”

She nodded, “How do you know him Lexi?”

I looked back to the chart I’d been writing in and finished my orders, “He’s a childhood friend of Raf’s.”

“Tell Rafael to watch himself around that one,” she whispered and walked off.

I sighed and walked to the inside of the nurse’s station to grab my lab coat and shrugged it on before buttoning it all the way up, and made sure my hospital badge was clearly visible. Stuffing my hands in my coat pockets I walked out to reception to find Alex leaning casually against the desk chatting with my triage nurse, Mary. He was acting too familiar for my taste. One thing I did not tolerate was anyone, no matter who they were, messing with my staff in any way.

“Senator Munoz,” I said in a formal tone when I reached them. I motioned my eyes to Mary to leave us. She looked relieved, and walked over to the registration desk to take the chart for the next triage patient.

“Lexi!” Alex turned to me with a leering smile on his lips.

“How can I help you?” I asked and crossed my arms over my chest, I wanted him to understand I didn’t welcome his ‘campaigning’ in my ER.

He looked around the waiting room, “Is there someplace private we can talk?” He held his hands out palms up, “Please?”

I sighed, closed my eyes, and rubbed my forehead before waving my other hand to the doors leading into the ER, “Physician’s lounge. Follow me.”

“Thank you, Lexi,” he said behind me.

I swiped my badge over the security lock and pushed the doors to the ER open turning to the left to walk to the physician’s lounge with Alex following me. When I got to the door I motioned him to go in and stopped Mark, Dr. Rosenthal, as he was walking out, waiting until the door closed behind Alex.

“Do me a favor, come back in ten minutes if I’m not back out yet,” I asked him.

Mark’s eyes cut to the door, “Senator Munoz?”

I shook my head, “Yeah, childhood friend of Raf’s. He just gives me the creeps.”

Mark nodded and walked off, checking his watch as he did and looked back to me as I pushed open the door.

“What’s up Alex?” I asked, he was looking at the bookcase against the wall that contained a bunch of different medical references.

He turned back toward me and bowed his head before he spoke, “I need you to talk to Rafael. Get him to stop making trouble for me.”

I scowled at him, “What are you talking about Alex?”

“He hasn’t told you what’s going on?” He looked surprised.

“With what?” I waved at him.

He started pacing and shaking his head, “He’s got his nose into my personal business and he’s upsetting Yelina.”

I crossed my arms over my chest again, “Oh? How’s that?”

“He’s trying to accuse me of cheating on her. I’d never cheat...” Alex started before I interrupted.

I held up a hand to stop him, “Don’t even Alex. Just stop. If you need something from Rafael you need to talk to him. Don’t come slinking to me wanting me to intervene on your behalf. What would even make you think I’d be inclined to help you?”

“Your papi doesn’t know his place.” Alex snarled and his expression turned angry. He got in my face grabbing my upper arm to keep me there, “Because if he continues on he’s going to ruin my reputation and all that I’m trying to do for this city. And he’s going to ruin your life. All because of his obsession with Yelina.”

I yanked my arm back from his grasp and stuck my finger in his chest, “Don’t threaten me Alex. You don’t mean anything to me, and Yelina doesn’t mean anything to Rafael. You don’t care about Rafael or Eddie. You only care about yourself and your own agenda.”

The door opened then and Mark stuck his head in, “Dr. Rogers, we need you. Rescue is bringing in an MVC victim with head trauma.”

I looked back to Alex, “Are we done Senator?”

Alex nodded and walked out of the lounge without a word or backward glance.

Mark looked at me, “You okay?”

I could feel tears in my eyes and I nodded as I blinked them away. Waving my hand in the direction of the ER I looked at him, “Is rescue really on their way in?”

Mark just shrugged and lifted his brows, “Probably. Maybe not with a crash victim. Take ten, it’s quiet.”

I looked up to the ceiling and chuckled, “Thanks Mark.”

He walked back out of the door with a smile.

I unbuttoned my lab coat and removed it, hanging it over the back of one of the chairs at the table and sat down in it. Rafael had enough to deal with, I didn’t want to add this to it, but I knew he needed to know. Especially when I glanced at my arm and realized I was likely to have bruises where Alex had grabbed me. Raf would certainly notice.

Pulling my cell phone from my pocket I typed out a text to him.

_Me: Hey Raf. Alex was just here. Wanted me to tell you to stay out of his business because you’re upsetting Yelina. He claims you’re obsessed with her._

I set my phone down and leaned my forehead into my hand with my eyes closed. It wasn’t long before my phone pinged.

_Raf: Are you okay?_

It pinged a second time before I could respond.

_Raf: You do know that I have no feelings whatsoever for Yelina anymore, right?_

I smiled and shook my head. He had no reason to still feel guilty about that.

_Me: Stop it, I know that Raf. And yes, I’m fine. Just pissed._

_Raf: I’m sorry he came to you over all of this._

_Me: It’s not your fault. He’s trying to find any way he can to worm his way out of whatever he’s gotten himself into. Is Eddie going to be okay?_

_Raf: Yes, Eddie will be fine. Alex, I don’t know._

_Me: Ha! I couldn’t care less about Alex. It’s you I’m worried about now._

_Raf: I’m fine mi alma. I promise. Te amo._

_Me: I love you too Raf._

I tucked my phone back in my pocket, wiped my eyes, and walked out of the lounge to head back to the ER.

**Rafael’s POV**

The next day Eddie went to SVU with his attorney and told the detectives everything that had been going on. The money drops, the women Alex got onto the state payroll, and the ‘woman’ in Yonkers that Alex had his brother-in-law handle instead. That ‘woman’ turned out to be a 15-year-old high school student, Jodie Lanier, who Alex exchanged nude photos with and then had his brother-in-law make payments to in order to keep her quiet. I was absolutely disgusted, Alex had two little girls, how would he feel if he found out some 40 something year old man was exchanging nude photos with one of them? My brain just couldn’t believe what he'd become, had politics changed him so drastically or was this always him? Looking back I realized los tres muscateros de Jerome Avenue may really have only been two. Eddie and I looked out for each other, if I got in trouble Eddie was right there, and vice versa. Alex, even then, he always seemed to have some excuse, looking for the easy way out. It was ironic, I never saw it for what it was then, I always believed we stood up for each other, all three of us. The reality of it was Eddie had been the closest I had or would ever have to a brother, I knew he felt the same. For Alex, I suspected now we had just been a means to an end.

Glancing at my watch I checked the time, it was 7p.m. Steeling my nerves and preparing myself for what lie ahead I left my office to confront Alex.

Making my way over to the Five Boroughs Police Association Ball I stood outside of the ballroom with my hands held behind my back trying to appear as relaxed as possible. Alex walked up with Yelina and Hank Abraham, and I turned my head calmly to look at him when I heard my name.

Alex looked surprised but kept the smile on his face as he spoke to me, “Rafael. I thought you were allergic to these political shindigs.”

I kept my face deliberately blank, “We need to talk privately.”

Hank appeared in front of the ballroom doorway and I turned to him as he spoke, “Now? Seriously? There’s a room full of union leaders and CEOs waiting to hear how he’s going to save the city.”

“And I’ve never been more serious,” I told him in a very even tone looking back into the ballroom at the people he was worried about. What would they all think when this got out and they realized the kind of man they were supporting? No matter how good of a spin-doctor Hank Abraham was, he wasn’t going to make this go away.

Hank looked concerned now, “Well, I’ll come with.”

“You can stay right there,” I gave him a look that told him not to argue.

Yelina put her hand on Hank’s shoulder and looked at me, she didn’t look at all happy, “Rafael, todo bien?” _All good._

“Alex and I need to talk,” I told her with a tight smile.

Yelina looked concerned as she looked at her husband, “Ahora?” _Now._

Photographers were waiting to take Alex and Yelina’s pictures and I stayed where I was with my hands still behind my back.

Hank was moving Alex and Yelina around for a photo op, “Well, let’s get a nice shot. Mrs. Slater, will you join us? Big smile for the camera, Yelina. Big Smile.”

After the picture Alex kissed Yelina as he watched me, “I won’t be long.” She turned to Hank and I saw her look at me with the worry very apparent on her face.

Alex and I walked outside and I took my phone out of my pocket to bring up the pictures I had from SVU.

His tone turned angry then, “Whatever you have to show me, Rafael, it won’t alter anything, except our friendship.”

I held my phone up, “Do you recognize these women? Stripper.” I started swiping my finger across the screen to show him the pictures. “Porn star. You helped them get on the state payroll.”

Alex shrugged his shoulders and looked at me, “My office helps a lot of people.”

“I guess it’s trickier when they’re too young to take the job, like Jodie Lanier.” I showed him the bikini selfie she sent him and took a deep audible breath as I held up my phone again. “She’s a high school sophomore. Let me stop you before you say that you’ve never met her.”

He was shaking his head with a look of contempt, and gestured at my phone as he spoke, “We haven’t. She friended the campaign on Facebook and wanted to volunteer. We’ve never even been in the same room.”

“You exchanged direct messages,” I told him, scrunching up my face to emphasize me distaste as I spoke.

Alex tried to explain himself, “Which I’ve done with hundreds of other constituents.”

I was getting angrier by the second. “She’s not a constituent. And she’s 15, Alex!” I yelled at him.

“I had no way of knowing that,” he was still trying to play innocent.

My voice was still raised and I moved to force him to look at me, “Really, not after the pictures she sent you? The pictures that you asked for, by the way. And these, these are the…” I scrolled through more pictures Jodie had sent Alex, “What? The PG ones? Those other ones that she sent…You solicited and exchanged naked photos with a 15 year-old-girl.” I closed them out and put my phone in my inside jacket pocket, I was sick to my stomach at all of this, “This puts you in possession of child pornography.”

“Where did you get those?” Alex glanced to my jacket pocket, “Eddie?”

I was shocked he was trying to put this back on Eddie, “Eddie? You used him as the bag man for everyone else, except for the 15-year-old, because you knew that would upset him.” I’d dropped my voice and looked away from him. That was something he knew he’d never get Eddie to go along with. I’d said it before, Eddie wasn’t a genius but he was a good man, and there were lines he would not cross for anyone.

Alex acted outraged, “You son of a bitch. You’re using Eddie to swift-boat me? You’re taking advantage of him like this?”

I laughed, “I am?”

“I had no idea what Eddie was up to. Maybe he thought he was looking out for me,” he back peddled.

“And then you go to Lexi and threaten her?” I narrowed my eyes, daring him to deny it.

“She misunderstood me,” he shrugged.

I lifted my chin and glared at him, my voice was tight, “You grabbed her hard enough to leave bruises on her arm Alex. If it were up to me you’d be charged with assault and battery.”

He shook his head, “I didn’t hurt her. She’s overly sensitive because of what happened to her.”

My hand involuntarily balled into a fist, I wanted to hit him, but I held back because I knew Lexi would be grossly disappointed in me if I did. I pointed at him as I growled, “Don’t even go there Alex. Just don’t.”

He waved his hand at me but didn’t say anything else.

I nodded and frowned at him, “Right, okay, so…” I sighed and shrugged my shoulders as I smiled at my oldest friend. I hated where this was headed, and spoke to him in a calmer almost pleading tone, “Here we are, Alejandro. I have to turn these over to a special prosecutor immediately. If you suspend the campaign, it might go easier for you.”

Alex shook his head and sounded hurt, “They got my oldest friend to be the hatchet man. How much are they paying you to take me down?”

“There’s no vendetta here…” I told him honestly, all I had wanted was for Alex to do the right thing. I’d gone out on a limb for him, believed in him to the end.

Alex sounded dubious, “Six days before the election? The people will know better.”

“I risked everything that I had to give you fair warning, Alex, and you know that,” I told him in a deadly serious tone.

“Here’s what I know, Rafael. Ever since you got that Ivy League scholarship, you’ve been hooked on their teat. You think you’re one of them because you go on their ski vacations and their yachts? The man snaps his finger, and you jump up and bite for him,” he tried turning this around on me. I hated to admit it, but Amaro had been right about him as well.

“It’s not about me, and you damn well know it,” I snapped back at him. I’d left the Bronx in order to help people being victimized, bring them justice, hoping that I could make a difference in someone’s life. Granted I didn’t go back to the old neighborhood like Alex did but that didn’t make me a sellout or a coward.

Alex was still on his high horse as he spoke, “You know what Yelina thinks? She thinks that you’ve always been jealous of me, because you can’t stand to see another Cubano get ahead, because you think there’s room for only one of us at the top. And if I go down, that leaves you. Let me tell you something. You take me down, the people will hold it against you. You won’t be able to show your face in el barrio, and your political future will be over.”

“Are you threatening me, Alex?” I asked him quietly.

“I’m looking out for you, Rafi.” He put his hand on my shoulder and I pulled back and shoved his hand away, “Just like the old days.”

I pointed at him, moving closer to him so he couldn’t mistake my words, “You never looked out for me Alex, and you never looked out for Eddie. You used us both, that’s what you do best. Eddie, he…” I smiled as the memory of him standing up to the PS109 gang came to me, “He looked out for me. I didn’t go so good of a job looking out for him.” By the look that crossed Alex’s face he knew exactly what I meant.

“I would have been a good Mayor for this city Rafael. Would have done things to help the poor,” he held his hands out palms out in a placating gesture. “You’re ruining my reputation and my chances to do good.”

I folded my arms over my chest and took a deep breath before meeting his eyes again, “You did this to yourself Alex, the only person you have to blame is you. Eventually secrets get the best of you like they did here.”

He finally appeared to be fed up and waved a hand at me as he started to walk away.

Just like him, run when you don’t want to hear the truth about yourself. “When are you going to realize people are not pawns to use to further your own interests?” I called after him.

He disappeared into the ballroom and I turned and walked back to my car.

The next morning I was stepping off the elevator of the Courthouse on my way in to Alex’s arraignment hearing when Reverend Curtis Scott stopped me.

“Mr. Barba, a word.”

I turned my head toward him as he moved to walk beside me, “Reverend.”

“Your office is destroying the reputation of a man who can turn this city around,” he told me as he walked with me.

I stopped and faced him, this was the last thing I needed to hear today. No one seemed to want to accept the fact that Alex was to blame for this, “Reverend, I am not directly involved with this case, but trust me when I say that this was not an easy decision. Alex Munoz is my oldest friend.”

I tried to move past him to go into the courtroom and he waved a hand in front of me to stop my forward motion, “Never mind all that. This city’s poor have been ignored for the last 20 years. This is a candidate who can actually save our schools, rebuild our neighborhoods, and you choose to sacrifice all of that because of a zipper problem?”

A zipper problem? Was the man serious? “I’m sorry. It’s out of my hands now,” I told him honestly and moved around him to go into the courtroom.

I sat in the gallery with Liv and Amaro as Alex’s lawyer argued that the prosecution was politically motivated. The judge wasn’t buying it though, she set Alex’s bail at $10,000. Both Alex and Yelina turned to me with accusing stares as they walked out of the room and I was left sitting there with my thoughts. How did things go so horribly wrong? I knew I wasn’t perfect but I didn’t use people to satisfy my own agenda, Alex was something unrecognizable to me now. Liv stood with Amaro and motioned to me to go with them.

I followed them with a blank expression, keeping my thoughts to myself as we walked over to Forlini’s. The three of us sat at the bar having a drink and watching Alex on TV giving a speech on the steps in front of the Courthouse. He went on to deny the allegations and accusing ‘powerful special interests’ as well as Amaro and myself of a vendetta.

Liv looked over to the bartender and pointed at the TV, “Anthony, do me a favor? Mute this, will you?”

He picked up the remote and muted it as she requested.

Amaro looked to me, “You know, I’m not going to apologize, but I have to give it to you, counselor.” I waved my glass to him slightly, it was his way of apologizing without saying it and I was going to accept it.

Liv waved her hand to the TV, “He still thinks he has a shot.”

“Alex…he’s a brawler,” I was looking at my old friend on TV as I spoke to her, “I gave him a chance to go quietly.”

“But he wouldn’t take it,” Liv said and I shook my head.

Amaro stood up, “Well, I will. Good night, you two. Anthony.” I looked his way as he walked out the door.

I looked back up to the TV, “Don’t count him out. He’s a winner. When I was seven…” I paused and turned my head to look at Liv, “When I was seven, my mom said, ‘Stick with Alex. He’ll be Mayor of New York someday.’“

“Wow,” she looked at me with something akin to sadness on her face.

I gave her a wry smile, “She never said that about me.” I looked back to my drink, I knew my mother was going to be more disappointed in me than she would in Alex. She’d find a way to blame me.

Liv was watching me, “You okay?”

I shook my head and looked back Alex on the TV, “It’s politics. No danger of a traffic jam on the high road.” I knew in my heart that I’d done the right thing but I was still devastated.

“Still, he was your friend,” she sounded sad.

I shrugged and looked over at her as I spoke, “So was Yelina. She thinks this was personal, not professional.” I was serious when I told Yelina I had forgiven them, their betrayal had forced me to look hard at my life and who was in it and brought me back to Lexi.

“You had a job to do. You did it. That’s all this was,” she told me with conviction and put her hand on my forearm.

I looked at her, “Was it?”

That evening I held Lexi close to me as she slept and I stared up at the ceiling thanking whatever God that was listening that I had her by my side.


	23. Renewed Friendship and Brotherhood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to sincerely apologize to all of my readers. If you read Chapter 22 ‘October Heartbreak’ before tonight’s posting please go back and re-read it. At my original post there was a nasty thunderstorm in my area and I lost power several times. Long story short I lost power right as I was finished editing and when I brought the chapter back up I thought I had the right one and didn’t check it since I’d already finished editing and I was trying to post before my modem went out yet again. Someone mentioned in a comment that the last three of Rafael’s scenes seemed regurgitated and unedited so when I went back and read what I’d posted I realized that in my haste I’d brought up an old backup. : ( Anyway, I am sorry and hope everyone enjoys the updated version better. 
> 
> This chapter contains a mention of ‘Military Justice’ but no scene dialogue. And we are back to Lexi’s POV at this time.
> 
> Smut warning. There is a paragraph of smut near the beginning.

The weeks after Alex's arraignment were really hard on Rafael. Despite what Alex thought and the doubt Raf expressed to Liv over his motivation there really wasn't anything personal involved. Raf believed in doing the right thing, especially when it was hard, and had believed in Alex right until the end. He gave Alex every opportunity to come clean and get in front of what was happening but all Alex could do was place blame on everyone else. Nothing was his fault, he didn't know she was 15, it was Eddie's fault, Eddie must have thought he was protecting him, then Hank was protecting him, and finally Rafael and Wall Street had a vendetta against him. Not once did he ever admit to what he did or even stop to think about how it affected those around him. I actually started to feel sorry for Yelina, then realized considering what they did to Rafael she had to have known her husband had it in him. It was his daughters I felt most sorry for.

Lucia was the first to call him after seeing the news and Alex accusing Rafael of a vendetta the day of his arraignment. She berated him for hurting Alex and embarrassing him, asking Rafael how he could do that to his oldest friend. His mother still believed Alex was the moral and upstanding man he pretended to be, and that Rafael was jealous of his success. I sat next to him on the couch with my arm around his shoulders and my forehead leaning on his temple as he pressed the phone to his ear and listened to her. It went on for 30 minutes before I'd finally had enough. Raf would have let her continue on until she finally gave up, or just set the phone down and let her talk until she hung up, but I took the phone from him. I just politely told her that Raf had nothing to do with Alex's mistakes, that she shouldn't blame her son for the moral turpitude of a man like that, and disconnected the call after telling her that we loved her.

That night Raf held me closer and tighter than he ever had before. I could feel the tension in the muscles of his arms and hear it in his deliberate breathing pattern. He was doing everything he could to keep himself calm, but I knew he was devastated and Alex's words had affected him more than he was willing to admit. He left the Bronx not out of shame for where he’d come from but in order to help as many people as he could reach, but a lot of people didn’t see it that way. I'd dozed off but woke up, I guessed in the early morning, to a sniff from Raf. When I lifted my chin and looked at his face his eyes were open, staring at the ceiling, and there were tears on his cheeks. I lifted my hand to his cheek and turned his face to look at me.

"I've got you Rafael," I whispered and touched my lips to his, keeping my eyes open so I could look into his beautiful green eyes.

Smiling against my lips then he nodded. "I know," he whispered back.

He turned onto his side toward me and brought his hands up to tangle in my hair, and started kissing me lightly. I moved closer to him and threw a leg over his hip, hooking my ankle behind his knee to pull him into me. His tongue touched my bottom lip and I parted my lips to allow him the access he was seeking. Our kisses deepened and he sucked and nipped at my bottom lip before he started trailing his tongue along my jaw line and down the line of my throat. I tilted my head back and he continued kissing down my sternum over the tank top I was wearing. Keeping one hand tangled in my hair he brought the other around to palm my breast and tweak my nipple through the thin fabric there. I rocked my hip into his and he groaned when I reached my hand down to trace the outline of his erection through his flannel pants. We kissed and fondled each other over the fabric of our nightclothes until he decided he needed contact with my skin and he pulled my tank top up over my head and threw it away from us. I reached my fingers under the waistband of his pants to lightly fondle him as he sucked the nipple closest to him into his mouth and ran his tongue over it making it harden. Suddenly he rolled me onto my back and grabbed the waistband of my shorts and panties with them looking to my eyes for permission to bare me to him. I nodded and lifted my hips as he pulled them down my legs and tossed them onto the floor and shed his pants as well. He moved between my legs and over me and I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him to me, I was so wet and ready for him he slid into me easily. His thrusts were slow and languid, his caresses soft and lingering, and his kisses needy. I knew he’d needed this intimacy and physical connection we shared, to feel joined to me, a part of something deeper and more meaningful. We reached our climax together, moaning each other’s names to the other, his lips at the hollow of my throat and my nails dug into his back. It felt like an eternity that we stayed like that, shaking from the pleasure of our shared orgasms. I sighed and smiled at him when Rafael slid out of me to shift his weight so he wasn’t crushing me then lay his head on my chest over my heart. We lay there in each other’s arms like that until his alarm sounded a few hours later and he reluctantly left me naked in our bed to get into the shower and get ready for work.

Raf had promised Mrs. Garcia he would do better about keeping in touch and I knew he planned to keep that promise. Of everything, he felt the guiltiest about how things had affected Eddie. Eddie had relied on Alex to do right by him. Fortunately, he still had his job at Rikers but it was wearing on him without his wife there. He was having to work overtime frequently to make ends meet and that was why it had been so easy for Alex to take advantage of him. With the promise of the job at 1PP after Alex became Mayor Eddie's plan had been to retire, collect his pension, and work at 1PP so he'd still have health benefits for his son and have more time with his family. Doing what Rafael couldn't figure out. Personally, I thought Alex had every intention of continuing on as he had been and keeping Eddie on as his bag man. We'd decided together that we were going to try and do for Eddie what Alex couldn't, or was simply too selfish, to do.

And the investigation into Alex Munoz had continued even after SVU found Jodie Lanier and Rafael had turned the case over to the special prosecutor. Fortunately, Jodie was the only minor Alex had sexted or exchanged explicit pictures with but more than 15 nude and semi-nude photos of her were found on Alex’s phone and laptop. The investigation also found that Alex had used a few high-priced call girls for some sexual activities that perhaps Yelina might have found distasteful. When all was said and done, because he was a State Senator, the Feds had taken over and Alex was facing federal charges for possession of child pornography among other charges. Ironically Connie Rubirosa-Cutter caught the case.

Almost immediately after that Raf had looked into investigator jobs with the D.A.s office for Eddie but unfortunately even though Eddie had been a C.O. for 20 years he didn't have the education or some of the other background required. Security at the hospital was another option, and our Department Head told me he'd be ecstatic to have Eddie if he'd take the job. It didn't pay what his Corrections job did, but maybe between his pension and regular hours at the hospital it would be better. He'd have the health benefits for Danny and only have to work three 12 hour shifts a week and the occasional overtime shift if he wanted it which was significantly better than the 60 plus hours he was working at Rikers.

It was the Thursday of the second week of November by then and I had gotten off shift at the hospital at 6p.m. and Amanda was picking me up so we could go to Flannery’s for a drink. I’d had to take a shower before I left the hospital, a drug overdose patient had been kind enough to throw up activated charcoal all over my scrubs just before my shift ended. When Amanda walked into the ER to get me I was at the nurse’s station in jeans, a pair of black high heeled boots, an olive green leather motorcycle jacket, and a black t-shirt with white lettering that read ‘SARCASM LOADING…PLEASE WAIT’ with a 75% completion bar in the middle. I smiled at her and waved and turned back to the incoming resident to hand him the overdose patient’s chart. He looked a little green, and not just because of his scrubs. Chuckling I turned back to Amanda who was standing by the Rescue entrance with her hands on her hips watching Jack, the Head of Security, chastise my overdose patient for throwing up on the medical student we had in the ER that night. I linked my arm with hers as we headed out the door and I took a deep breath once outside.

“Ah, the smell of exhaust fumes…” I took another deep breath and Amanda looked at me like I was completely psychotic. I hugged her elbow to my side and gave her a silly look, “Trust me, it’s a hell of a lot better than vomit.”

She screwed her face up and mouthed ‘Ew’ as we walked to her car. Once we got to Flannery’s we took seats at the corner of the bar, I ordered a tequila sunrise and she ordered a beer.

“Nick and I aren’t seeing each other anymore,” she told me taking a drink of her beer and looking at the bar back lined with bottles of liquor.

I knew it wouldn’t last, they worked together and frankly were each too destructive in ways that just couldn’t sustain any kind of long term relationship. Sticking my straw in my mouth I sipped on my drink and pursed my lips while I thought what to say to her.

“I know you didn’t exactly think we were a good idea,” she said when I was quiet for too long.

I shook my head, “It’s not that Amanda. I think you deserve someone who can focus on you. Nick’s too hung up on Maria and quite frankly his own ego.”

She snorted, “That doesn’t have anything to do with him and Barba clashing over the Munoz investigation, does it?”

“Absolutely not. Nick was right on a lot of things about Alex that Rafael was blind to, but he was wrong about Rafael,” I told her, I really didn’t want to talk about Alex tonight.

She nodded, “I know. I’ve been there, I get where Barba was coming from.”

“I know you do. Hey, can we drop this? Everything that happened, what the investigation turned up, it really hurt Rafael,” I asked her and she nodded. “What are you doing for Thanksgiving?”

She shook her head like she was clearing it and looked at me, “Wow, abrupt and strange change of subject. I was just planning on staying home with Frannie, not feeling like going home this year. I’m pretty sure Kim will show up if I did.”

In all of the years Rafael and I had been together I always made Thanksgiving dinner for us and we’d generally have dessert with his mother and Abuelita. This year since things were tense with his mother I thought we’d expand our dinner to include friends and was hopeful that at least some of them could make it.

“Come to our house,” I said, and she gave me a suspicious sidelong look, and I pointed my finger at her nose. “We’re inviting a bunch of friends Amanda, this isn’t a pity invite so don’t even go there.”

She shrugged, “Mind if I bring Frannie?”

“I would absolutely love it if you brought Frannie,” I beamed at her, if bringing her sweet dog was all I had to agree to in order to get her there that was easy. Rafael and I had actually been talking for some time since we’d bought the brownstone about getting a dog.

“Okay,” was all she said and took another drink of her beer.

My phone pinged and I pulled it out of my pocket and shrugged out of my jacket pushing it back over the chair back behind me. Looking at the phone I saw it was a text from Raf.

_Raf: Are you and Rollins at Flannery’s?_

_Me: Yes, why? What’s up?_

Amanda looked at me with a raised eyebrow, “All okay?”

I shook my head, “Raf asking if we’re here. Not sure what’s up.”

_Raf: I was hoping you would be, I asked Eddie to meet me there when he got off. He’s on his way and I’ll be there in 10 but he may get there before me._

I glanced at Amanda and smiled before looking back to my phone to respond.

_Me: Awesome! If he gets here before you Amanda and I will keep him entertained._

“Eddie is on his way here to meet Raf,” I told Amanda and gave her the short version of what was going on.

“That’s great. You don’t think he’ll be uncomfortable with me here do you?” She waved to the bartender for another beer.

I shook my head, “Not at all. Eddie doesn’t hold grudges, he knows you had a job to do. I’m just glad he didn’t get burned in all of that.”

She pursed her lips, she knew all too well about that too, “Yeah, he was lucky he had Barba looking out for him.”

My phone pinged again and I looked down at it, Raf had sent me a picture of a smiley face smacking its hand on its forehead. I turned my phone so Amanda could see what I said and he sent back.

“Well I wasn’t planning on karaoke tonight,” she laughed. “But I could be persuaded.”

“Bella dama!” I heard Eddie’s deep raspy voice a few feet away.

I turned toward him and smiled, he was in a Department of Corrections t-shirt and jeans with a dark gray hoodie thrown over it. Interestingly I noticed he’d finally taken off his ring, I’d have to ask Raf about that. He walked up to us and hugged me tightly when I reached my arms around him and kissed his cheek.

I waved at the chair on the other side of Amanda, “Sit, have a drink. What would you like? It’s on me.”

Eddie shook his head, “No alcohol, just a coke.” Nodding to Amanda he smiled, “Detective…Rollins, yeah?”

Smiling Amanda nodded and pointed in the air between them, “Yeah, but I’m not working, and you’re not under investigation so call me Amanda.”

He bobbed his head once looking straight in front of him with a smile on his face, “Okay, Amanda.”

I smirked as I turned my head to get Joe’s attention, and ordered Eddie’s coke and a scotch for Raf since I knew he’d be close behind. Eddie looked tired, and I was sure he was probably as heartsore as Rafael was. And on cue my handsome ADA walked in the front door of the bar and I beamed at him.

“Hermano!” Eddie stood from his barstool and grabbed Raf’s hand and hugged him.

“Eddie!” Raf was smiling ear to ear now. Much of the tension he’d been wearing for the last several weeks had finally eased.

After the Alex fiasco he’d gone right into a rape trial against three Coast Guard officers as well as a Petty Officer who brutally gang-raped an Ensign that happened to be the daughter of a General. I could tell it was wearing on him as well. He was never one to victim blame but getting justice for victims and survivors was hard enough in sex assault cases where the survivor had to prove that she didn’t want what was done to her. It frustrated him when a survivor undermined her believability and jeopardized his ability to get justice for her (or him as sometimes occurred). From what little he told me that’s what almost happened in this case, and somehow Nick had gotten ahold of a military transcript that could have easily caused a mistrial. Raf actually came home on time the day the trial ended both happy and surprised that he got convictions against the men.

“So what’s goin’ on man?” Eddie asked as Raf shrugged out of his jacket and set it over the back of his chair next to me and took a sip of his scotch.

Raf glanced at me and I looked at Eddie. “Well, we’re having Thanksgiving at our place this year since it’s our first year there, and we’re inviting our friends to join us,” I told him.

Eddie smirked and looked at Raf who just rolled his eyes.

Laughing I shook my head, “Don’t worry, he’s not cooking. I am. Your mother and Danny are invited too.”

“I’ll talk to Mama,” he told us, he looked happy that we were including him.

Raf pursed his lips and looked into his scotch, “And I felt…still feel…horrible that you were depending on Alex’s promises of the job at 1PP.”

Eddie lifted a hand and waved it in the air, “Hermano, I told you, that wasn’t you.”

Amanda touched my arm and leaned toward me, “I’m gonna go check out the karaoke machine for a song while y’all talk.” I nodded as she got up and walked over to the area next to the stage where she could see what songs were available.

Turning back to Eddie and Raf they were debating over how much blame Raf had in Alex taking advantage of him.

“We’re even, have been for years,” Eddie was saying.

I held my hands up to the two of them and pointed my finger in Raf’s chest as I looked at him, he raised an eyebrow at me, “Stop it. The past is the past now, all we can do is move forward. Stay in touch, be better friends. Eddie knows you love him.” I looked to Eddie who nodded then back to Raf, “And you know he loves you. You’re brothers, more so than any blood can be. The time between you seeing each other doesn’t matter.”

Raf shook his head at me and sat down as Eddie just smirked behind the hand he’d leaned his cheek on. “Fiery isn’t she?” He said to Raf.

“You have no idea,” Raf smirked, that teasing little half smirk of his that I loved so much and I stuck my tongue out at him. That got a laugh from Eddie.

“Anyway, if you want it the Head of Security at Bellevue has a security job for you. It’s 3 twelves, occasional overtime if you want it, $20 an hour day shift, $22 an hour on nights, with benefits so you’d have health insurance for Danny,” I told him.

He stared at me open mouthed for a minute, “Thank you Lexi. But why?”

Raf looked at me, and turned to Eddie, “Trying to make things right hermano.”

Eddie nodded and looked at the bar in front of him, “I got to talk to Mom, but that would help. I could get out of Rikers, take my pension like I planned, spend more time with Danny.”

I smiled and put my hand on top of his on the bar and suddenly I heard Amanda calling my name and I shook my head. She must have found something she wanted to sing.

Looking at Eddie I smirked, “Excuse me, my partner in crime is calling.” I kissed Raf who was rolling his eyes at me with amusement evident on his handsome face.

When I made my way to Amanda and saw the song she chose all I could do was laugh. Somehow, she’d managed to find us props and handed me a red solo cup filled with wine which I happily drank as we sang and danced to Toby Keith’s _Red Solo Cup_. Raf and Eddie were laughing by the time we finished and walked back to the bar.

Eddie kept glancing at Amanda and she’d occasionally return the look, I wondered if maybe, just maybe our friends might get together and go out sometime. Amanda really needed a man who wasn’t torn between her and another woman, one who could see her for who she really was despite all of the crazy she hid behind. She needed someone who could ground her and that she felt safe opening up to. Granted Eddie was a family man, probably not what Amanda was looking for at the time, but he was a good honest man.

I bounced my hip against Raf’s and looked at our friends while they talked animatedly about basketball of all things. He pressed his lips to my ear and whispered ‘Te amo’ to me which made me smile. After all of the heartache maybe something good would come out of it. If nothing else a closer relationship with Eddie and his family would be more than I would have hoped for. The weeks leading up to Thanksgiving that year would bear some heartache for Amanda and Raf. But Thanksgiving itself would bring our chosen family together to celebrate and bring home one member that had been missing for years and one that was forever at odds with the love of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m keeping Eddie as a regular character in this story, but I don’t know that I’ll actually explore a relationship between him and Amanda. I’ve considered it, but undecided yet. If anyone has any particular opinions I’m always happy to consider. : ) And as always I’m happy to entertain any storyline/chapter plot requests.


	24. Dinner Party Stories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains an excerpt from the episode 'Rapist Anonymous' of which I take no credit for. I did revise some of the dialogue to fit my storyline where I wanted to change a few things or expand.

I was finally leaving the hospital after a 24-hour shift at 8:30 in the morning on Monday the week before Thanksgiving when Liv called me. She and Brian were having a dinner party that evening at 6p.m. and she wanted Rafael and I to come. Apparently, they had some news to share with everyone, and Cragen was bringing his new lady friend to meet the group as well. I told her about Thanksgiving and she happily accepted the invitation. As I walked out of the ER door into the crisp Fall air I shrugged on the black fleece lined neoprene coat Raf had made me take with me Sunday morning when he dropped me off at work. Even though I’d given him a hard time about ‘mothering’ me, to which he rolled his eyes, I was certainly thankful for the coat that morning.

Sometimes I’d walk home from the hospital, but it took about an hour and 20 minutes and I was exhausted so I flagged down a cab. Once I was inside and told the driver my destination I called Raf to tell him about dinner that night.

“Mi alma, it’s 8:30 in the morning, are you just now leaving the hospital?” Were the first words out of his mouth when he answered.

I chuckled at him, “Yes Raf, I was on Trauma service last night and we had two life flights from MVCs come in.” It had been an exceptionally busy night. The first MVC victim had major head injuries and we’d had to call in a neurosurgeon, I didn’t think she’d survive, her brain was herniating through her foramen magnum into her brain stem. I was sure the second victim would survive, he was stable despite his injuries. He had a compound left femur fracture that we’d repaired but I’d had to amputate his left arm below the elbow because it was mangled beyond repair.

“Are you okay?” He asked, he must have heard the catch in my voice. I was a lot like him in that I was empathetic but I kept my emotions in check with my patients. It wasn’t until I was on the phone with Raf or alone with him that I ever let myself actually feel anything, and even if I never said anything to him he always knew when something had gotten to me.

“I’ll be alright. I had to tell a young pregnant woman that her husband lost part of his arm,” I said quietly. “But he’ll survive. She was worried he wouldn’t be able to hold their baby once she is born.”

It was a few seconds before he said anything, and when he did I could hear love and admiration in his voice, “Just remember Lexi, you give hope where sometimes all people see is the horror and pain.”

I smiled, Raf was so right about us, we were each the missing half of the other. When he was stressed and his world was upside down I righted it for him by reminding him that he fought for every victim whose case came across his desk no matter how difficult it was. And when I felt the overwhelming guilt that went along with the limits of modern medicine, he reminded me that I still gave hope. We fit, we complimented each other, my weaknesses were his strengths, and vice versa. I could no longer remember a life without him, through the good and bad he was always there by my side. I’d finally stopped doubting our relationship and whether Rafael was happy with me, strange how it took a series of devastating events to do that.

“I know Raf. I’m just tired and a little heartsore,” I told him as the cab pulled up to the brownstone. I paid the driver, including a generous tip, and got out, “On a happier note, Liv called. I invited them to Thanksgiving dinner and they will be there. And she and Brian have some news and are having a dinner party tonight that we’re invited to.”

“News huh? Wonder what that could be?” He said in a speculative tone, I could hear him moving papers around and remembered he had arraignments that morning so he was probably putting files in his briefcase.

Holding the phone between my ear and shoulder I pulled my keys from my bag and unlocked the front door. Yawning I pushed the door open, “I’m too tired to even speculate. Pick me up at 5:30?”

“Of course hermosa, te amo,” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

“I love you too Rafael,” I told him and we disconnected.

The first thing I did was take a long hot shower, I was still a little obsessed with showering too long in water that was too hot. Dr. Lindstrom continued to remind me that what happened would always be a part of me but that with continued hard work and the passage of time I would learn how to manage or avoid the triggers and impulses. Raf had always been slightly overprotective of me and that predilection had grown in small ways over the last months. He wasn’t smothering by any stretch of the imagination, and his protectiveness was often couched in some small act of love toward me.

Once I was clean I went into the closet and got Raf’s Harvard t-shirt he’d worn the night before from the hamper and put it on. It really wasn’t dirty, and it smelled like him which was comforting and tended to allow me to sleep without tossing and turning when he wasn’t there. Then I got into bed and fell asleep. When my alarm sounded at 4:30 that afternoon I woke up refreshed, though still tired. Getting up I dressed in a knee length black circle skirt, my black Mary Janes, and a plum colored silk off the shoulder bell sleeve blouse. I was still wearing the locket and bracelet I'd gotten for my birthday along with a pair of gold hoop earrings with little crystal balls on them that Raf had given me for our anniversary earlier in the year. My hair I pulled into a loose pony tail at the right side of the nape of my neck, the bottom half was currently a pale lavender hue and complimented the plum of my top quite nicely.

I was just coming to the bottom of the stairs when Raf walked in the front door. He looked irritated but smiled when he saw me and quickly set his briefcase down to envelope me in his arms.

Burying his nose in my hair he took a deep breath, “Hermosa, you have no idea how happy I am to be done with this day.”

Tilting my head back I kissed his lips and looked into his green eyes, “Can you tell me about it?”

“Not really, no. But I will say your blonde detective friend can be blind at times,” he told me as he kissed me once more and stepped back while loosening his tie. He started up the stairs to our room and I followed behind him. When we got there for some reason I happened to notice the picture on his nightstand had changed again. This time it was a picture of me in a long-sleeved gray top with a pair of darker gray pants with white snowflakes on them. I was sitting on the couch with one leg curled under me and the other bent up and my cheek was resting on my knee. My hair was piled on top of my head in a messy bun, I had my glasses on, and there was a book in my hand.

“Amanda? What did she do now?” I shook my thoughts away from the picture, my tone a little worried. Since she and Nick had broken things off she had been vulnerable, even more so than when Kim took off. I sat on the edge of our bed while he was in the closet.

“I just think she’s more taken in by the defendant in one of our cases that’s at trial this week than she’s admitting. Rollins knows the woman from AA,” he told me as he walked back out into the room running his belt through the loops of the black dress pants he was wearing. His chest was bare and I smiled, he just rolled his eyes at me and smirked knowingly while tossing a black t-shirt and forest green sweater onto the bed next to me before walking into the bathroom.

“AA? She’s in GA,” I said trying to turn over in my mind why she’d have been going to AA, when it suddenly dawned on me. “But she did tell me several months ago that she had gone to an AA meeting to hear a qualification of one of Nate’s other sponsees, a woman she had met a few times in meetings.

Raf came out of the bathroom with his toothbrush in his hand, “Nate’s other sponsees? So Amanda’s sponsor is man?”

“Yeah,” I swallowed hard, I’d met Nate a few times at the bar he owned when I met Amanda for drinks there after work on occasion. I wasn’t overly fond of him, I felt like he was a player. He and Amanda had been involved at the time, but had broken it off saying they decided it just wasn’t a good idea. I’d been thankful when she told me that even though my friend was a little heartbroken, and then she and Nick had gotten involved.

Rafael gave me a questioning look, “I didn’t think men were supposed to sponsor women in any of those groups.” He started brushing his teeth while he waited for my reply.

“Well, they aren’t but it does happen. I’ve met him a few times. He’s a nice enough guy, a little too nice if you ask me,” I told him seriously.

One of his eyebrows quirked up at that and he returned to the bathroom where I heard the water turn on.

“Do you think she’s okay?” I asked, really worried now about Amanda.

The water turned off and he reappeared in the doorway with his deodorant in hand, he was turning it around in his hand as he looked at me with a serious expression on his face. “I think you might want to keep an eye on her. And I’m going to have to have a conversation with her.”

I nodded and he disappeared again. Picking up his t-shirt I handed it to him when he came back out into the room, he shrugged it on and the muscles of his stomach rippled as he did. I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth as I looked up at him and smiled when he unzipped his pants and tucked the shirt in.

Dropping his chin to his chest while he buckled his belt he gave me that half smirk I loved so much, “Didn’t you promise Liv we’d make it for dinner?”

Standing I grabbed his sweater and stood in front of him so my breasts were pushing into his chest and his hand came up to rest on my hip holding me in place. “We’ll make it Mr. Barba, but I may just have to find you in contempt.”

He took the sweater from me and pulled me closer to him with the hand holding my hip, “Well Dr. Rogers I am fully prepared to plead my case upon our return.” Wearing a sexy smile, he bent his head slightly to kiss me sucking on my bottom lip just slightly before he let me go and moved back to shrug his sweater on.

“I expect that silver tongue of yours to work its magic,” I waggled my finger at him with a smile, then touched it to my slightly swollen bottom lip.

And his famous smug look, the one he wore when he knew he had someone dead to rights, appeared on his handsome face, “Doesn’t it always?”

I playfully swatted his arm as we made our way out of the bedroom and back down the stairs. Once in the living room he moved his briefcase to the den, picked up his keys as I shouldered my purse, and we headed over to Liv and Brian’s apartment. They were literally only 3 blocks from us so we opted to walk. When we got there Brian let us in and directed me to Liv who was in the kitchen with Dr. Melinda Warner and an older woman I’d never met.

“Melinda! How are you?” I exclaimed when I saw her and gave her a hug, I hadn’t seen Melinda in months.

“Wonderful Lexi,” her smile was warm and genuine. “How are you?”

“Good,” I looked back to where Raf was talking animatedly to Capt. Cragen and Brian, then looked back at Melinda with an even bigger smile. “Really good.”

“Lexi, this is Eileen,” Liv introduced the woman I didn’t know and handed me a glass of wine. “Cragen’s girlfriend…”

Eileen’s eyes lit up as she looked out toward Cragen and shook her head, “That sounds so strange at my age to call him my boyfriend.”

I lifted my wine glass to my mouth and took a sip, it was divine, “I can relate, it feels odd to still refer to Rafael as my boyfriend after all of these years.”

Liv shrugged and something danced in her eyes as she looked my way that I couldn’t quite figure out, “I don’t think it matters how old you are.”

“Definitely not,” Melinda said and raised her wine glass, “Here’s to boyfriends, and good girlfriends.”

We all touched our glasses and sipped the wine. Looking around I noticed Amanda was missing.

“Hey Liv, where’s Amanda?” I asked her, the concern must have been evident in my voice by the look she gave me.

“She said she needed a meeting, and Nick is coming so I think she needed a break,” she told me, her eyes betrayed the fact that she was a little worried too.

“Amaro’s here!” I heard Brian yell from the living room, not that he needed to, we could certainly see him.

Nick went around saying hello to the guys, and Raf even shook his hand. I was thankful that most of the tension between them during the Alex fiasco had settled at this point.

When Nick made his way to us he got close to my ear and whispered, “I think Mandi is having issues.”

I pursed my lips and just nodded. Quite frankly I wasn’t entirely sure he was saying that out of concern for her as a friend, or from his ever-present need to interfere. It was that kind of behavior that destroyed his marriage, I just hope it didn’t destroy his friendship with Amanda. Nick accepted a glass of wine from Fin and I felt Raf’s hand settle on my right shoulder with his fingers in my hair and his lips tickle my ear when he kissed me there.

Turning my head to look at him I found him smiling at me. His lips were right at my ear as he whispered, “I think Amaro still has a crush on you.”

I leaned into his ear, “I only have eyes for one Cuban and it’s certainly not Nick.”

Smirking he put his nose back to the top of my ear so his breath was tickling my ear and giving me tingling sensations down my neck and spine. He didn’t say anything, just stayed there for a few seconds, breathing and twirling my hair on his fingers. I finally shook myself out of my daze and returned to the conversation going on around us and gave him a longing look. With a chuckle Raf moved away from my ear and I took a few plates of food from Liv to the table where everyone was starting to sit down.

Melinda was carrying her wine and gesturing with a piece of melba toast in her hand as she moved to the table, “So it turns out she’s a lesbian, he’s transgendered, and we found the murder weapon lodged in his anal canal.”

“Aw!” Capt. Cragen scrunched up face as he pulled Eileen’s chair out for her to sit down then took the seat to her right.

I set the plates I was carrying down on the table and Raf pulled the chair out across from the captain for me to sit down and he sat between me and Nick. He knew Nick was harmless but I suspected he was concerned Nick would try to bend my ear all night about Amanda since I was fairly sure his Vulcan hearing picked up what Nick had said.

“Here, try the hot soppressata,” Liv was carrying a plate of hot sliced dried salami with a bowl of olives and cubes of fresh mozzarella around.

“My favorite is still that Shearling guy. We found him humping that passed out vic,” Fin was telling the group.

“Oh, yeah,” Nick said nodding and drinking his wine.

“And he tells me, ‘I thought she was dead.’” Fin continued and everyone laughed.

I could tell Eileen was uncomfortable and Capt. Cragen was looking to Liv for help. My eyes drifted up to Liv’s as well and I spun them in a circle and dropped them to Eileen so she’d understand.

“Turns out he just had a little coat fetish,” Fin finished and looked over at Eileen as Brian set more food on the table and everyone started to laugh again.

“Hey, Captain, did anyone ever tell you about Barba’s first case with the squad?” Nick looked like the cat that ate the canary as he moved his eyes from Raf to Cragen. I didn’t think this was exactly what Cragen was looking for.

“No, no one did,” Cragen gave Nick a pointed look.

I squeezed Raf’s left thigh and he picked up my hint, and plastering a fake smile on his face looked Nick’s way, “And we’re not going to tell that story tonight Detective.”

“Uh, guys, maybe we don’t talk shop?” Liv interjected with a shrug.

Fin, Melinda, and Nick all looked a little lost at what to say next.

“The wine Eileen brought is, um…” Capt. Cragen offered.

“A Merlot/Cab-Franc blend from bio-dynamically grown grapes,” Eileen finished as Brian approached the table with one of the bottles.

“Well, it has a very nice finish,” Melinda told her.

“Refill anyone?” Brian asked and poured more wine into Liv’s glass.

“Thank you very much, Eileen. And now…Cheers!” Liv said holding her glass up in the air.

“Cheers.” We all repeated raising our glasses and smiling.

The conversation while we were eating remained appropriate for poor Eileen’s ears. I felt for her, I was sure Cragen sheltered her from what he saw and heard on a day to day basis. Sometimes though when you did what we all did it was hard to steer a conversation away from it because you lived it every day. At some point while I wasn’t paying attention the conversation turned to myself and Raf.

“You never did tell any of us how you two met, you’re not exactly an obvious match,” Liv said.

Rafael smiled and his eyes lit up, “We met at Harvard in my first year of law school.” His eyes squinted slightly trying to remember as he glanced over at me and pointed, “Your second year of medical school?”

I nodded, “I was on the law school campus doing some research and was coming down the stairs of the law library when we ran into each other. Knocked all the books out of my hands.”

“I started to admonish her for not looking where she was going then noticed her hair. Back then it was all dyed a baby blue, and all I could say was ‘Who goes to law school with blue hair?’” Raf continued and looked over at me with a smile.

“I think I must have looked at him like he had two heads and just started picking up my books. He tried to help but I kept knocking his hands away. After that I couldn’t seem to get rid of him,” I was looking at Raf and could feel myself smiling and a warm feeling come over me, almost like falling in love with him all over again.

“What I didn’t tell her back then was that after I said that as soon as she looked at me I was lost, and speechless. When she finally had all of her books picked back up I begged her for her phone number. She wouldn’t give it to me, but did agree to meet me at a local diner for dinner that night to make it up to her,” he’d reached a hand over to me and grabbed mine, pulling it to his lips and kissed it.

“Obviously after that I liked him and decided to let him stick around,” I laughed and Raf rolled his eyes.

Everyone was eating and smiling as we told our story.

“And I’ve known you for almost 12 years now and never had any idea you were involved with anyone let alone an ADA,” Liv said with a smile and tilted her wine glass toward me.

I looked to Raf who stuck a forkful of something in his mouth and clamped it shut with a smirk and I playfully pushed on his shoulder.

“To be fair Liv, I was always in his office, you guys were forever running into me there. I always thought you suspected something,” I shrugged.

“We had no idea. Maybe because he snarks at everyone that comes within a few feet of him,” Liv offered.

Raf was smiling and shaking his head, he wiped his mouth on a napkin and pointed his finger at the Detectives sitting around the table, “I do not snark at everyone Liv. And If all of you were such good Detectives why didn’t you pick up on the signs? Hmmm? I wasn’t exactly hiding how I felt about her when she was there in my office.”

Cragen cracked a huge smile on that comment, “He’s got you there guys.”

“I still can’t believe the counselor has a heart,” Fin laughed.

I looked at Raf and put my palm onto his cheek, with a smile I looked in his green eyes that turned my way, “A heart of gold, he just keeps it locked away.”

Raf turned his face slightly to kiss my palm and I dropped my hand.

“Awwww.”

Once we were done eating I helped clear the table with Raf’s help while Brian carried plates of cake pops to the table and sat them down and Liv started passing out coffee cups and pouring coffee for everyone. Raf looked immensely grateful for that, the little caffeine addict.

“Chocolate is chocolate cake of course,” Brian chuckled when he put one of the plates down.

Liv rolled her eyes at him and sat back down, “White iced is yellow cake, and the pink is red velvet.”

Knowing my favorite was red velvet Raf reached to that plate and picked up one of those cake pops and leaned back in his chair and crossed his arm over his chest to hold it out to me with a grin. I smiled and took it from him and didn’t miss Fin’s grin and slight nod as he watched us.

“We have a little announcement,” Brian told the group tapping his coffee cup with a spoon as he sat on the side of Liv’s chair.

Everyone looked eager waiting for what they were going to tell us and he laughed once he realized what we probably all thought. Liv was smiling when he looked to her.

“As of today, Detective Benson will soon be known as Sergeant Benson,” he announced and put his arm around her.

“Way to go Liv,” I told her. I knew Cragen would finally talk her into taking it and I was so proud of my friend.

Rafael just tilted his head toward her and smiled as if to indicate he wasn’t at all surprised, she returned the slight gesture.

“And she placed number 48 on her exam,” Brian continued.

“Wow. Awesome,” Melinda said and gave Liv a high five.

“That’s what’s up,” Fin said clapping.

Nick reached his fist out toward Liv and she fist bumped him.

“48th out of 8,000. That’s impressive. That’s my girl,” Cragen said, he sounded like a proud father, which I guess in many ways he was the closest thing she had to one.

“Well, even better news,” Liv said looking around at us all then to Brian. “As of today, Brian will once again be Detective Cassidy.”

“About time,” Fin said. “Where are you assigned?”

Brian stood back up and pointed toward Liv as he made his way back to the kitchen with his wine glass.

“Um…” Liv cleared her throat, “IAB, actually. But he had to…start somewhere.”

“That’s great. Congratulations to you both,” Nick said sincerely.

We all expressed similar sentiments to Brian but looking around I could tell everyone was a little bit uncomfortable with that realization. I wondered if it might cause problems in Brian and Liv’s relationship and really hoped that wouldn’t be the case.

Raf and I left about an hour later. When we got to the sidewalk from their building Raf took my hand and laced our fingers together then lifted our hands and kissed the back of mine.

“I love you Lexi,” he told me, and stuck his other hand in his pocket as we walked.

“And I love you Raf,” I tilted my head to look at him and he met my gaze with a warm smile. “What’s up?”

His smile grew wider, “I’m just thankful we work in two different worlds. With Cassidy in IAB that could cause problems for him and Liv. From what I’ve heard IAB has had it out for SVU for years, Liv especially.”

“I know, and I was thinking the same thing,” I walked ahead of him then turned around to face him, walking backwards and reaching my other hand out for his. He removed his hand from his pocket and took my other hand, stopping so I wasn’t walking backwards anymore. “I don’t think you could’ve handled me being a lawyer too, or I could’ve handled you being a doctor.”

Rafael starting laughing, “I would not have been a good doctor. I talk too much and I guarantee my bedside manner would have been terrible.”

“Well I doubt I would have made a good lawyer either. I tend to tell people when they’re being idiots too easily and am pretty sure you would have had to start a bail fund just for that,” I grinned at him and watched his smile deepen.

“Pretty sure you got some of that from House,” he said tugging me back to his side so we could walk again.

I tilted my head back and laughed at that statement, he’d been telling me for years that Greg had been a bad influence on my patience and good humor. “You can’t blame Greg for all of that. I’ve developed my own cynicism over the years.”

He let go of my hand and put his arm around my shoulders as we walked the last block home, “I’m just teasing Lexi. But I do think House perpetuated it.”

“You know, I never understood something. You don’t like each other, I know you don’t, but yet you’ve never once asked me to cut him out of my life,” I said as we made our way up the steps to our door and Raf got his keys out to unlock it.

Once unlocked he pushed the door inward and turned off the alarm as I followed behind him and he closed the door and reset the alarm. He took my coat from me and hung it with his in the hall closet and we walked back to the den. “I wouldn’t do that Lexi. I trust you, and he’s the family you chose. But he’s a pompous egotistical ass, I’ve never understood why you two are friends.”

I flipped the den light on and looked around, we’d set up the den similarly to our old apartments with a desk added since we had more room this time. Bookshelves lined two walls, the desk sat in front of one of the bookshelves, and a leather couch was set back against the other wall. We had the same mix of medical and legal texts in the shelves with Kurt Vonnegut, Tom Wolfe, and Terry Brooks we had before, and a variety of framed photos of us through the years. There were also a few of the pictures of Raf as a child that Lucia had given me, and one of Raf and Eddie as young men. The one that used to be on the shelf of Alex, Eddie, and Raf had disappeared and I chose not to ask about it. We didn't have many photos of me when I was a child but there was one of me when I was 9 with Shane at 15 framed next to the picture of Eddie and Raf. I sat down on the couch and kicked off my heels before curling my legs under me.

“You do realize you’ve been described the same way at times?” I propped my elbow up on the arm of the couch and leaned my head into my hand as I watched him scan the mail, opening envelopes and separating junk mail to be shredded from bills to pay.

His eyes cut up to me and he smirked, “Your point being?”

“HA! You’re more like Greg than you admit,” I waggled my finger at him with a smirk of my own.

I got the hairy eyeball from him as he sat down and signed onto the laptop to pay the bills that had come in.

Smiling I stood up and picked up my shoes, “Thanksgiving should be interesting. Greg may come, and Shane is supposed to be here as well.”

He dropped his head into his hands and groaned, “Great, both of them under the same roof at the same time.”

“I love you Rafael,” I sing-songed at him and leaned over the desk, he lifted his head to meet my lips to kiss me. “I’ll be expecting your argument when you come to bed.”

His eyes danced as he chuckled at me, “I’ll be there soon”

“I’ll be waiting counselor,” I gave him a coy look over my shoulder as I walked out of the door.

He kept his promise and came to bed half an hour later to find me naked under the sheets and he kept his promise from earlier in the evening. I made my own argument as well. We fell asleep in the comfort of each-other’s arms and woke up with him spooning me. Since the trial had ended I’d gradually gotten comfortable with him in that sleeping position again. It had been one we’d favored before I was raped, and it no longer triggered nightmares or flashbacks. The rest of the week for me was fairly uneventful at the hospital, but Raf had shared that he brought Amanda into his office late in the week to discuss her relationship with Nate and how she knew the woman on trial. From what little he told me I got the distinct uneasy feeling that Amanda was involved with Nate again for some odd reason. I was really starting to worry about my friend and how this might affect her addiction. The next week was going to be interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize I’d gotten away from the bulk of the story being about Lexi and Raf when I started on ‘October Surprise’ but I’m getting back there. If I stray too far again feel free to yell at me. :o)


	25. 13th Step to Homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains mentions of events from ‘Rapist Anonymous’ of which I take no credit.

**Rafael's POV**

Lexi was in the kitchen making desserts for Thanksgiving, I'd tried to help her but she shooed me out of the kitchen telling me I was just in her way. So I sat on the couch and worked on case files for the next week. I was glad Lena Olson's trial was over, and it really hadn't been my intent to hurt Rollins in any way during testimony. But unfortunately she was caught in the crossfire when her sponsor took the stand for the defense and I had to bring to light their love triangle and Miss Olson's deliberate manipulation of Rollins. Granted Rollins said she wasn't angry at me, but I knew she was hurt and I hated that it had been at my hand that she found out what was going on behind her back. When I got home I'd told Lexi what happened and she immediately started trying to get ahold of Rollins to make sure she was okay.

I had been home two hours by the time Lexi walked out into the living room with a bowl in hand that she was stirring and I lifted my eyes to hers. She looked worried.

"What's wrong mi alma?" I asked, though I suspected I knew what she was worried about.

"Amanda won't return my texts, and when I try to call her it goes to her voice mail," she said, her voice catching and she looked like she was about to cry.

I set my files aside and led her back into the kitchen and set the bowl of pumpkin cream down on the counter. Pulling her into my arms I held her against me and leaned back against the counter. It killed me to see her upset and I was kicking myself even more that my cross of Rollins sponsor at trial that day was probably the cause of her not talking to Lexi. "What do you need me to do hermosa?"

She had fisted her hands into my shirt and sniffled a little bit, looking up at me she rolled her eyes. "I don't know why I'm getting so emotional, Amanda's a big girl."

I reached my hands up to tangle in her hair and held her head gently in place to keep her eyes fixed on mine, "You're emotional because she's your friend, and you care. It's okay."

Closing her eyes she drew in a deep breath and a few tears rolled down her cheeks, "Can you check her apartment?"

"Of course," I told her, I probably would have done that even if she hadn't asked.

Lexi opened her beautiful blue eyes and gave me a very serious look, "If she's not there check the casinos in Manhattan. She won't go far because of Frannie, and I don't know the underground places she used to go to. Not that I'd want you going to any of them if I did."

That hit me hard, "Do you really think she'd start gambling again?"

Reaching her hands up she grasped my shoulders, "I wish I could say no. After today she doesn't have a sponsor to go to if she's feeling vulnerable. I told her over and over that Nate was a bad idea as a sponsor, that he'd play her, but she wouldn't listen."

Shaking my head I cupped her cheeks, "This is on me, I got him to admit on the stand today that he was 13th stepping her. Rollins was really upset."

"No Raf, that's not your fault, it's Nate's fault for being dishonest with her," she told me and moved her hands up to curl around my forearms.

"Okay, let me see what..." I started and right at that moment someone rang our doorbell.

Lexi looked up at me from under her lashes and smirked, "That's probably your most favorite person."

I rolled my eyes, "Hardly." Kissing her soundly on the lips I swatted her ass and grinned at her as she stuck her tongue out at me and I walked to the door. Taking a deep breath and steeling myself I opened it to find Gregory House standing there with a backpack over his shoulder on the side he had his cane and a bag in the other hand. I could see his ridiculous motorcycle parked on the street.

"Law boy!" The man was grinning ear to ear and all I could do was roll my eyes and remind myself if I killed him I'd lose Lexi because I'd go to jail.

Sighing and looking at the ceiling I started to count to ten as I opened the door all the way and stood aside so he could come inside. He 'accidentally' hit my left shin with his cane as he walked by. "Good to see you too House," I knew I sounded snarky.

As he walked by me and I could hear Lexi say his name and run out of the kitchen to hug him I suddenly remembered her telling me many years ago that he was a piano player. If I could talk him into helping me on Saturday when I got our entire group of friends together at Forlini's it would make my surprise for Lexi even better. I knew she had been waiting years for me to do something like what I had planned, and I also knew I'd probably never hear the end of it from the group but Lexi was worth it. And it was long overdue.

I watched Lexi and House talking, strangely they really did relate to each other like siblings separated by a decade would. It still baffled my mind how they became friends, she told me the story after my 3rd or 4th time visiting her at Princeton Plainsboro, but I still didn't get it.

I cleared my throat as I approached them, Lexi looked somewhere between happy and wanting to come undone. “Okay, he’s here,” I said pointing to House. “Have you heard from Shane?”

Lexi nodded, “He called around noon, said he’d be getting here sometime today. But he couldn’t tell me where he was coming from, said it was classified, so I don’t know when he’ll get here. He said he’d get a cab from JFK.”

House was leaning on his cane and looking between us, “What is he, some kind of secret squirrel?”

I rolled my eyes, “Jesus, you sound like Munch.”

“Wait a minute! You know someone named Munch?” And House was off on a tangent about all of the interesting names that could go with Munch.

Lexi just sighed and rolled her eyes while she shook her head at him.

"House, care to take a ride with me?" I finally interrupted him.

Lexi raised an eyebrow at that and looked between us.

House narrowed his eyes and looked at me, "You already have plans on which bridge to throw me off of?"

"That's tomorrow. I thought I'd take you to have your feet measured for the cement blocks tonight," I threw back.

"Let's go then. I need a new pair of shoes," he spun his cane around and started walking back to the door.

Lexi was looking between us again with concern and bewilderment written all over her beautiful face.

I just smiled at her and shook my head, putting my hand to her cheek I kissed her hard, "Don't worry. I just figure an extra pair of eyes can't hurt. And you are trying to make dessert for tomorrow after all, you don’t need him bugging you all night."

She grabbed the hand on her cheek and searched my eyes, "You do realize I can tell when you're lying right Rafael?"

Shrugging I grinned at her and kissed her forehead, "We'll find Amanda."

"Uh-huh," she'd put her hands on her hips and watched us walk out the door. “Text me when you get to her apartment just so I know you both survived!”

When we got into the car House looked right at me with suspicion written all over his face, “Just to be clear, you’re not my type.”

I instantly regretted bringing him with me, “You’re an asshole House, you know that?”

He shrugged and looked out the window while I drove, “Not the first time I’ve heard that. So why the romantic car ride then?”

Pinching the bridge of my nose I kept my eyes open and on the road and tried to remember when Lexi said he was going back to New Jersey, “I’m not sure this is a good idea. You’ll just ruin it with your big mouth.”

“Probably, I am a sarcastic, egotistical, narcissitic vicodin addict so you just never know what I’ll do,” he said, his tone dripping with sarcasm.

When I glanced his way he was watching me with a slight smirk. “I may have been a little angry when I said that,” I admitted.

I heard him humph but he was quiet.

“Look, I remember Lexi telling me that you played the piano? Is that true?” I asked, hoping he wasn’t going to make me chase down an answer.

“Yeah, what’s it to you?” He sounded like an insolent teenager.

I hoped I wouldn’t regret what I was about to ask him because if he ruined Saturday for Lexi I really would be going to jail.

**Lexi’s POV**

I had beaten the pumpkin cream until it separated and I had to start over. Dumping it all in the trash I blew a stray strand of hair from in front of my eyes and pulled all the ingredients out of the cabinet and fridge to remake it. When I had it back in the bowl I got it right and finally put it in the pie shells. My phone pinged as I was putting the pies in the fridge. Flipping it over I saw I had two incoming messages and I groaned when I realized who they were from.

_Greg: Law boy has lost his mind._

_Raf: You may have to bail me out of jail tonight._

I laughed and shook my head at the two of them.

_Me to Greg: No he hasn’t. You probably said something to annoy him. You do that a lot you know._

_Me to Raf: No I won’t because you won’t do anything that would put you there._

I set my phone back down and started working on the crusts for the apple pies. Fifteen minutes later my phone pinged again.

_Greg: Did not. And do not!_

_Raf: I’ve never been more tempted in my life. We’re at Rollins place. Doesn’t look like she’s home. I can hear Frannie barking but don’t hear anyone moving around in there._

I sighed. Jesus Amanda, I thought, where are you?

_Me to Greg: You are such a big child. Could you be an adult for tonight?_

_Me to Raf: LOL He’s not that bad. Do you mind checking the closest casino? If you find her take her to get Frannie and bring her back here. We can pull the couch out in the den if we need to._

Finishing up the crusts I set them aside and started sautéing the apples. When I was done I poured them into the two crusts I had prepared and added my crumb topping to one and the lattice and walnuts to the other. As soon as I put them in the oven my phone pinged yet again.

_Greg: Why are we going to a casino anyway? All law boy would tell me was something about a 13 th stepper._

_Raf: If he doesn’t shut up I swear I will drop him off a bridge._

I laughed at them both, at least they were tolerating each other for my sake.

_Me to Greg: It’s a long story. A friend of mind is a gambling addict, she found out she was being played by her sponsor today and I’m afraid she’s gambling again._

_Me to Raf: Just tell him if he keeps aggravating you I won’t let him have any of the creamsicle cake._

I cleaned up the mess I had made so far and started getting ingredients for the cake ready so it could go into the oven once the pies came out. Just as I finished someone knocked on the door. Wiping my hands off on my apron I walked to the door and looked through the peephole and saw my brother standing there with full beard, sunglasses on, a ballcap backwards on his head, and a huge duffel back over his shoulder. I squealed and swung the door open.

“Shane!!” I exclaimed and jumped into his arms.

“Hey Pixie,” he said with a chuckle and grabbed the doorjamb to stop us from falling down the stairs.

I was crying and laughing at the same time and had buried my face in his shoulder, “I wasn’t sure you’d actually be here. I can’t believe you’re here.” I stood back from him and really looked at his face.

He dropped his chin to his chest and looked at me with a highly-amused grin when the alarm started going off.

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Rafael is going to think I lost my mind,” I hurriedly punched in the code to turn the alarm off but my cell phone was already ringing. It was the alarm company, they’d call both myself and Rafael to determine if it was a false alarm before calling the police. “Hello?!”

“Mrs. Barba, this is Alan from Superior Alarm, do you have a false alarm or do you need emergency services?”

“Uh, it’s Dr. Rogers actually, not Mrs. Barba.” It stung every time they called me that and I had to tell them I wasn’t Mrs. Barba. “And everything is fine. The codeword is ‘mens rea.’”

“Okay, thank you Dr. Barba, have a nice evening.” And click. I looked at the screen of the phone like it was crazy and Rafael’s picture popped up, I swiped my finger across the screen to answer it. “Hi Raf.”

“Are you okay? The alarm company just called me.” He sounded really scared. I really hadn’t considered how he might take getting that call.

“I’m fine mi amado. Shane was at the door and I just forgot the alarm,” I soothed as locked the front door and motioned Shane to follow me up the stairs.

“Shut up House, yes, she’s fine,” I heard him say to Greg. “Okay Lexi, but you scared me. Please, don’t do that again,” he said quietly. “I almost got us killed trying to turn around to get back to you.”

“I’m sorry Rafael,” I knew he still felt some level of guilt for what happened to me, and it sounded like this shook him up.

“It’s okay. You’re okay, so it’s okay. I love you mi alma. I’ll text or call you once we get to the closest casino,” he told me in a calmer tone.

“I love you too,” I said as we disconnected.

“Mens rea?” Shane asked with a raised eyebrow and a grin.

“Yeah, Raf picked it when we had the system installed after we moved in,” I told him as we made it to the second floor and I showed him the room Raf and I set aside for him. He hadn’t told me how long he was going to stay, but Raf and I agreed he could have the room as long as he wanted it.

Both of Shane’s eyebrows raised at that, “How many months ago was that?”

“Eight I think. Why?” I told him.

He shook his head and shrugged his duffel onto the floor, “Nothing. We can talk about it another time. Where is Rafael?”

I explained to him what happened with Amanda and where he was when I heard the timer going off downstairs. “That’s my pies. Get settled in and come downstairs. The bathroom is right across the hall.”

After pulling the pies out of the oven I finished my cake batter and put it in the oven to bake. It was the last big dessert I was making for Thanksgiving. Everything else had been prepped so I didn’t have so much to do the next day. Rafael would help me once I got things started, but I still preferred to have a lot of it done so we had more time to spend with our friends. I leaned back on the counter and tilted my head back against the cabinet door. Raf’s voice had sounded scared and broken, and I was furious at myself for doing that to him. It hadn’t been a year yet and we had started a new life which I was grateful for, but I also recognized we were both still healing in many ways.

I shook my head to clear my thoughts, it was going to be a long night. Fortunately, I was about to find out I had my brother back in my life for good. And while it did take Raf and House until midnight to find Amanda, get Frannie, and bring Amanda, drunk off her ass and pissed, to our house she didn’t leave which was a good sign. House was even on his best behavior when they got back which was odd enough that I asked Raf if he’d drugged him. They both just looked at each other and didn’t say a word which made me even more suspicious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next few chapters will contain some flashbacks of Rafael and Lexi’s early years and some of Shane’s background as well, and a surprise. ;o) And I will be changing some of the gambling storyline surrounding Amanda away from cannon.


	26. Thanksgiving Family Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know what I was thinking in the last chapter. I know Princeton is in New Jersey, why I said Pennsylvania I have no idea. I’ve gone back in corrected just in case anyone was thinking I’d lost my ever-living mind. LOL

“Amanda, what were you thinking?" I asked and handed over the cup of coffee and ibuprofen I was holding as I sat next to her on the edge of the pull out in the den. Somehow Rafael and Greg had managed to get her to pack a bag with clothes and necessities, and food for Frannie for a few days.

It was 7 in the morning Thanksgiving Day, and I had just started to get things ready for the day. Dinner was planned for 4 so I didn’t have to really get busy with the turkey until 9. Shane had taken Frannie out for a run since Amanda had a pounding headache. Rafael was showering, and Greg was in the living room playing a video game on the console he brought with him. Bastard.

Amanda looked at me with a guilty expression, "I wasn't. I was upset." She blew on her cup of coffee before sipping it and taking the pills.

"Nate?" I asked giving her a suspicious look.

She nodded and her voice caught when she answered me, "Yeah. It just...I always seem to pick the wrong guys.” I saw her eyes move to some of the framed pictures of Raf and I scattered on the bookshelves in the room, “What I wouldn't give to have something like you and Barba have."

I grinned and gave her a sidelong look, "Amanda, you're seeing us almost 20 years into our relationship. We weren't always like this, he's hurt me." Her eyes went wide as she held her cup to her mouth and I held up a hand, "Not like that. He's never laid a hand on me, never forced me, and never cheated. Even though I knew he was who I was meant to be with he’s struggled through insecurities of his own that made our relationship difficult at times, and I lashed out a few times when I was hurt."

She was watching me expectantly and I thought that maybe if I told her about the first time Raf and I broke up it might help.

"Do you remember when I was in the hospital and told you that he broke up with me after graduation and went back to Yelina?" I asked, pulling the hem of the cardigan I was wearing through my fingers.

"Mmhmm," she hummed.

I sat back against the couch and leaned my shoulder against hers when she did the same. Watching my hands I told her about our first breakup.

_Harvard University Commencement Day May 12, 1995_

_It was our graduation day, the day we had worked so hard for. Rafael would have his law degree, go home to the Bronx and take his Bar Exam, and I would have my medical degree, and go to Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital in Princeton, New Jersey for my residency. We’d talked about how our relationship was to going to work with us being an hour and a half away from each other for at least 4 years. He had considered taking the bar in New Jersey and starting with a firm there, but his ultimate goal was to be an ADA in Mahattan so it made sense for him to go home. I didn’t have a ‘home’ or family to go back to so once my residency was over I would move in with him and get a job in one of the hospitals there. As for seeing each other we were determined that when I had days off on the weekend or any consecutive days I would drive up to see him in the Bronx, and he’d spend two weekends a month with me in Princeton. We were young and we were going to make it work. There had even been some talk of marriage, but we decided that until whatever internship he got into and my residency were done it didn’t make sense to add the stress of a new marriage._

_Rafael seemed distracted through the entire ceremony, sad almost. He held my hand in his lap, his fingers laced with mine and kept looking at our twined fingers as if to reassure himself I was there. His name was called first to get into the commencement line and when he got his diploma and smiled down at me I clapped my hands and cheered so loud he turned red. Lucia was in the back doing the same thing, and when I made my way up to the line to receive my diploma they clapped and cheered for me._

_Lucia took us out for lunch after graduation and told us we’d have to come see Abuelita before we got too busy with our new lives. Raf picked at his food and promised his mother we’d do our best. I watched him as I ate and wondered what was going on. We had a plan, and he couldn’t possibly be worried now that our relationship couldn’t endure some separation. Looking in his troubled green eyes I knew I needed to reassure him that no matter what I loved him and I was coming to live with him as soon as my residency was done._

_When Lucia dropped us off at our apartment building we walked upstairs hand in hand and he followed me into my apartment. He didn’t seem to want to go to his yet. Once we got inside he sat on my couch and leaned his elbows onto his knees folding his hands together and looking at them. I sat next to him and slid my hand onto his thigh squeezing slightly and making him raise his eyes to mine. When he looked at me I realized he had been holding back tears for some time which scared me._

_"What’s wrong Rafi?" I asked, leaning my head on his shoulder, he leaned his head onto mine and sighed._

_"Yelina called me this morning," he said quietly._

_My heart dropped into my stomach, I had a sneaking suspicion I wasn’t going to like where this was going. "Okay, what did she want?"_

_"She apologized for what she and Alex did and said she misses me. She wants to give us another chance," his voice broke and he dropped his head into his hands._

_This was not what I was expecting him to say. My brain was screaming at me to tell him no. She cheated on him, he couldn’t go back to her. I loved him, I’d always been faithful, would never cheat. What about our plans? Didn’t I mean anything to him? Why would he even consider this? But that’s not what I said to him. I squeezed his forearm in what was meant to be a comforting gesture, and chewed my bottom lip, "What do you want?"_

_He looked up at me, he’d finally let the tears go, "I...I don’t know. I love you Lexi. When I’m with you I feel whole. But I think I still love her too." He shook his head and scrubbed his hand over his face, "I didn’t think I could still feel anything for her. But when I heard her voice I just..." he gestured with his hands as if he didn’t know how to explain himself. "I feel like I need to try."_

_I wanted so much to beg him to stay with me, I really did, but I couldn’t do that to him. He was already so broken up over how he felt, he didn’t need me screaming or crying at him. I could do that later, when he was gone. The truth was, I knew if I asked him to that he’d stay, but I didn’t want him to stay because it was what I wanted. I wanted him with me because I was who he wanted to be with. Taking a deep breath, I put my hand to his cheek so he’d look at me. He tried wiping the tears away from his eyes but they kept coming. I kept my voice even and calm, even though my heart was breaking, "Rafi, I love you. I have since the moment you looked in my eyes after knocking the books out of my hands on the law library steps." He smiled at that memory, so did I. " But I don’t ever, ever want you to have doubts about us. I don’t want you to look at me in a year or five years and wonder if you made the right decision. You didn’t have closure with her, I know that. Go, be with her, see if she’s who you were meant to be with. You know where I’ll be."_

_He was looking at me with a mixture of love, pain, sadness, and awe, “Lexi, I don’t want you to hate me, I don’t want you to regret us.”_

_Smiling I put both hands to his cheeks and wiped the tears that were still falling as tears of my own started to fall, “I could never do either Rafi. You’ve been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My world has been better, full of love and laughter since the day I met you. I will always love you. You hear me Rafael? Always.”_

_Nodding he bowed his head and grasped my hands, “I better go if I’m going to do this.” Lifting his head his green eyes met mine as he whispered, “I love you too Lexi.”_

_He stood up then and made his way to my front door. I stayed on the couch watching him with a few hot tears sliding down my cheeks. When he opened the door and stepped through he hesitated and started to turn back, but dropped his head and pulled the door closed instead. Once I was sure he was gone I buried my face in one of the throw pillows on my couch and cried until I felt like I had nothing left inside of me. A few hours later I heard Rafi’s front door open and close and his car start out in the parking lot. He was gone. And so was my heart._

Present Day

Amanda was watching me, her blue eyes wide, and I could see her blinking tears away. When I brought myself out of the memory fog I realized I had tears sliding down my cheeks. I looked over at her and we both wiped our faces and laughed.

“You guys seem so in love, so together, I never would have thought you ever had any issues,” she said sniffling and using her sleeve to wipe her nose.

“That wasn’t the only time. We broke things off again when I finished my emergency medicine residency because he thought I had a thing for Greg. So I decided to do a trauma surgery fellowship just to spite him,” I shook my head at the memory.

“Hey, I’m thankful you did,” she rolled her shoulder where she’d been shot and raised an eyebrow at me.

Laughing I brought my legs up to my chest, and curled my arms around them, dropping my chin on my knees. I heard a click and turned my head to see Raf standing in the doorway with his phone held up toward us. His hair was messy and still damp, and he was barefoot, wearing dark jeans, and a Harvard sweatshirt.

“Telling stories on me?” He asked with a smirk.

“She was just telling me why she went into trauma surgery,” Amanda returned.

Raf rolled his eyes and pointed his thumb back to the living room, “Because of him.”

“You know damn well it had nothing to do with Greg, and everything to do with your asinine assumptions,” I told him with a smile as he put his phone in his pocket and made his way to me.

Leaning over me he grinned and kissed me, running his thumb over my jawline and lingering just a second before breaking away.

“Can anyone join this party or it just for blondes and law boys?” Boomed Greg’s voice from the doorway.

Amanda looked at me and rolled her eyes while shaking her head. She waved him in, “Why law boy?”

He flopped on his side on the pull out and propped his head up on his hand, “Because Wilson said I couldn’t call him a dumbass two timing whore.”

I reached out and swatted Greg’s shoulder, “Greg!”

Rafael just shook his head, “It’s okay hermosa, I’m used to it by now. He’s just a sarcastic, egotistical, narcissistic vicodin addict.”

“Recovering narcissistic vicodin addict,” Greg corrected. “I’m still sarcastic and egotistical.”

“Boys, behave please,” I told them both in a stern tone. “Just for today, please, can you two get along?”

Greg shrugged and smiled, his blue eyes shining, “We are getting along.”

Raf opened his mouth to say something when Frannie ran in, jumping on the bed, and started licking Amanda’s face.

She smiled and hugged her dog, “Good girl Frannie. Did you have a good run?”

Shane knocked on the door before walking in to join us and leaned against the desk in front of us with his burly arms crossed over his chest. He’d shaved his beard and looked ten years younger, his hair was nearly black with slight touches of grey in it, and his eyes a deeper blue than mine. Smiling at Amanda he motioned to Frannie, “She’s really well trained.”

“Yeah, she’s a good girl,” Amanda was scratching Frannie behind the ears and smiling.

“Not like her mother, her mother is a baaaaaaaaaaaad girl,” Greg said in one of his silly voices.

“Gregory House! Stop it right this second,” I kicked him in his good shin.

He jumped up, and hopped on his good leg, feigning injury. “OW! Not fair, how dare you kick a cripple”

Raf shook his head, “You’re only crippled when it’s convenient House.”

“Am not,” he said like a little boy talking back to his father.

“Sooo…” Amanda interrupted, looking between Rafael and Greg, “Thank you both for finding me last night. You saved me from getting myself into debt I can’t dig out of yet again.”

Looking at me Rafael smiled, “It’s okay Amanda. We’re…” He motioned at himself and me, “Just glad you’re okay. And I’m sorry again for what happened in court yesterday.”

Amanda looked at him, “No need to apologize, I told you, I wasn’t mad at you. It hurt but I’m glad I know.”

He nodded and stood back up, “I’m going to make breakfast. Any special requests?” Greg started to open his mouth and Raf held up a finger, “Not. From. You.”

Amanda looked at him over Frannie’s head, “Pancakes? I think I could use something to soak up the rest of the alcohol.”

“You got it. Lexi?” He turned his gaze to me.

“Pancakes actually sound good,” I told him.

He leaned down to kiss me again and left the room.

Shane stood up as well, “I’m going to take a shower.” He gave Frannie a pat on the head and me a kiss on top of my head as he walked out the door.

“Hey where’s mine?” Greg asked sullenly looking at the door. Shane didn’t even acknowledge him which made Greg pout more.

“Jesus Greg. Do you think when everyone gets here this afternoon you could really behave?” I asked him.

He rolled his eyes and looked at me, “Yes Mom. I’m going back to my video games, at least they don’t tell me what to do. Or kick me.” He pushed my foot with his cane as he walked out of the den.

I sighed and sunk down on the pull out until I was laying down. Frannie leaned down over me and started to lick my face, I laughed and held my hands over my face trying to block her tongue, “Frannie! No French kisses from you!”

Amanda laughed, “Frannie, leave it. Sit girl.” The dog did as she was told but her whole body wiggled with her tail wagging.

I laid on the pull out with Amanda and talked about nonsense while we waited for Raf to finish cooking breakfast. After we all ate, without too much sarcasm from Greg or snark from Raf, I went to take a shower and Amanda used the second-floor shower. I’d actually been a little surprised that Amanda didn’t try to leave as soon as she woke up, and I was glad she stayed. After I was dressed I headed back downstairs where I found Amanda, Raf, and Shane all in the living room playing Halo of all things with Greg. I didn’t say a word, they were all getting along, and Amanda was smiling. Surprisingly so was Rafael.

Later in the afternoon while I was peeling potatoes for mash Shane walked into the kitchen. He looked at what I was doing and grabbed a knife and started helping me.

I looked at him with an amused smile, “Getting tired of shooting aliens?”

Smiling he shook his head, “I thought I’d come talk to my little sister.”

That made me hesitate for a second. “What happened to you Shane? The last time I talked to you before the trial I was seventeen. You just disappeared out of my life.” I met his eyes. “I felt abandoned all over again. Greg was the closest thing I had to family for a long time,” I said to him as I waved the hand holding a half-peeled potato toward the living room.

He watched his hands, he was a very fast and efficient potato peeler. In the short time I’d been talking he had three potatoes peeled to my one. Finally, he stopped and leaned his hip on the counter as he crossed his arms over his chest. He took in a deep breath and looked at me. “I know you think I disappeared, and in a way I had to. I went to BUD/S and made it through Seal training and became a combat medic right after you went to Harvard. Where I went, what I did, there was always the risk that I might not come back. So I thought if I just disappeared it would be easier on you if something did happen. But even if you didn’t see me I knew what was going on in your life. Erica’s too. I kept up with the rest of the family for a while, but they’re too much like Vanessa, and Mom. So, I focused on the two of you.”

“How exactly did you know what happened to me? You were there every day of the trial,” I told him, I had agonized over that for months, wanting to ask him but never did.

“Do you remember when I told you back then you didn’t want to know?” He asked.

I nodded and continued peeling potatoes.

“Okay, so you really don’t want to know. I honestly cannot tell you any more than what I already have about my life before I got off that plane last night. I’m retired from that life, and I’ve been asked to start a security company here in New York City. That’s what I’m going to do. If you don’t mind me being here for a few months I’d like to stay until I buy a place of my own,” he told me.

I squealed, dropped my potato and peeler, and jumped into his arms, “Of course!!”

“I guess he told you he’s staying,” I heard Raf’s voice behind me.

I turned to him and narrowed my eyes, “How do you know?”

He shrugged and looked smug, “We talked last night, he asked if I was okay with it, but wanted to talk to you himself.”

Sniffling I looked between them, “I’m starting to think there’s a conspiracy going on in this house.”

“Whatever could you mean?” Raf asked innocently with a snicker.

“Did someone say House?” Greg yelled from the living room.

“Shut up Greg, not talking about or to you!” I yelled back. Looking at Rafael I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his shoulder. His arms came around my waist and he held me close to him. “Thank you Raf,” I whispered.

“Te amo mi alma, I’ll do anything to make you happy. You know that,” his whispered and kissed my ear.

“I love you too,” I choked out, “I always have, and I always will.”

I felt him nodding his head, “I know.”

“Okay,” I put my hands on his chest and pushed him back. “You go play, you too Shane.”

Shane saluted me, “Yes ma’am.”

The two of them left me to my preparations. I could hear the four of them talking and laughing in the living room and it made me smile. Sometimes family really was what you made of it.

Thanksgiving dinner was better than I expected. Greg really was on his best behavior which continued to make me suspicious. Liv showed up alone and when I asked where Brian was, she looked a little sad, and said he was undercover. Eddie came with Danny who spent most of the evening playing with Frannie, and Eddie and Danny even went with Amanda when she went to walk Frannie at one point. Nick stopped by at 6 on his way to his mother’s, he didn’t stay long, but Amanda did apologize to him at one point. She also apologized to Liv before dinner. For what in either case I wasn’t sure. I knew Fin couldn’t make it, he was spending the day with his son. Connie and Mike also come over around 6 and stayed for a few hours to have dessert and drinks with us, and Mike and Shane started talking politics which make Connie roll her eyes.

Somehow Greg managed to start a Halo ‘tournament’ and everyone got on his silly game to play each other, including me, Connie, and Liv. Ultimately Shane wound up winning, not that I was surprised, and Greg pouted. After we cleaned up and everyone that wasn’t staying headed home Raf and I made our way up to our room. I collapsed in the bed already exhausted and Raf pulled me into him holding me as tightly to him as he could.

“You never told me everything you told Amanda this morning about our first break up,” he said quietly, I’d finally gotten them to call each other Rafael and Amanda when they weren’t at work.

I was almost asleep when he asked that and whispered back, “I know. I wish you hadn’t heard that.”

“I know mi alma, I know. I’m so sorry I hurt you,” he told me and kissed my forehead.

“Mmmm, if you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours, if they don’t they never were. You came back Rafael, so I know you’re mine,” I whispered to him as I nodded off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Forlini’s update will be up in a few days. House will be sticking around for a few more chapters before he goes back to PPTH. Shane is here to stay now. :o)  
> As always feel free to throw any requests for the storyline my way. I read them all. And if you don’t like the direction I’m going let me know that as well.


	27. I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

**Rafael's POV**

I asked our friends and the little family we had, or were close to, to come to Forlini’s for dinner the Saturday after Thanksgiving at 6p.m. Abuelita and Mami (my mother and I talked and smoothed things over as best we could), Eddie, Amanda, Liv, Connie and Cutter, Tutuola, Amaro, Melinda Warner, Munch, Capt. Cragen and his girlfriend Eileen were all planning to be there. The restaurant had a small dining area that could be closed off for private parties (it also happened to be the area with the piano) and I had it reserved for us from 6 until they closed. The piano was toward the side of the room away from the entrance to the room. When we got to the restaurant I asked that we be seated at a table closest to the piano so I could make sure Lexi’s back was to the rest of the tables. Shane was supposed to keep her distracted so she wouldn’t notice who came in behind us.

After sitting there for a few minutes looking at his menu House finally looked over to the piano, "Oh look they have a piano just screaming to be played." Standing he laced his fingers together and stretched his arms out to crack his knuckles giving me a pointed look as he sat down on the piano bench.

I was just praying the jerk wouldn't ruin this for me.

Lexi looked incredulous and started to chase after him, but I held her back. She gave me a worried looked but sat back down and tried to get his attention without speaking too loudly, "Greg! I don't think they let people just come in and play their piano."

He grinned at her and started playing what sounded like Bach. After about ten minutes I looked around again and realized everyone that was coming was there and seated. Fortunately, Shane had done such a great job of distracting Lexi that she hadn't noticed everyone else coming in and sitting down. It was now or never, I waited for House to finish the piece he was playing as planned, and then he started playing something I knew Lexi would recognize.

Her head tilted to the side as she listened intently for a second and when her face lit up I knew she recognized that he was playing Aerosmith’s ' _I Don't Want To Miss a Thing._ ' That's when I stood up and reached my hand out to run it over her cheek as she watched House playing. She lifted her eyes to me and watched in confusion as I went to stand next to the piano and picked up the mic that was sitting on top of it. Everyone was looking at me, fortunately I didn’t get stage fright any more even though I didn’t sing often.

Turning on the mic I held it up and started to sing to Lexi putting all of my heart and soul into the words I was singing to her. She had lifted her hands to her face and was watching me with a mix of wonder and surprise. As much as I hated to admit it in all of our years together I’d never sung to her when anyone else was around. I sang _O Holy Night_ for my mother and Abuelita at their church every Christmas but that had been the extent of my singing in any public setting since I was a choir boy.

 _I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing_ had been our song since it was released in 1998. The first time I heard it I looked at her and realized I didn’t want to miss a single moment with her. And every time I’d heard it since then I looked at her and realized how lucky I was. Especially when I thought back to how stupid I’d been to let her go in the first place. I held her eyes, gesturing with my free hand over my heart to emphasize the words I was singing. Out of the corner of my eyes I could see Eddie smiling and nodding his head, Liv and Amanda looked totally dumbstruck, and Mami and Abuelita absolutely beamed.

 

As I sang the last line of the song I dropped to one knee in front of Lexi and set the mic on the table next to me turning it off with my thumb. She still had her hands over her mouth and nose but I could see she was smiling behind her hands. I tugged her left hand down to hold it in mine and rested my elbow on my bent knee. Dropping her other hand to her thigh she watched me with a baffled look.

Smiling I cleared my throat, speaking loudly enough so our friends and family could hear me, "Alexis Grace Rogers, I've loved you for the better part of twenty years. I'm a better man with you in my life. You're the missing piece of my soul and I'm lost without you. You've been by my side through good and bad, even when I didn't deserve you. I can't imagine a life without you." I could feel her hand shaking in mine and she had put her other hand back up to cover her lips. Pulling the box from my pocket with Abuelita's ring in it I pushed it open with my thumb and held it out, taking a deep breath I looked in her eyes and saw she was crying and looked stunned. "Lexi, would you do me the immense honor of marrying me and being my wife?"

Her eyes were as wide as they could be and tears were streaming down her cheeks. She started nodding her head and tried her best to wipe her tears away with her right hand, "Yes, Rafi, yes. Of course, I'll marry you."

I pulled Abuelita's ring from the box and slipped it on her left ring finger, it fit perfect since I'd had it sized. Right after Abuelita gave it to me I’d taken to a jeweler to have that done as well as to have the stones and setting checked. It had a 1.5 carat square cut ruby as the center stone with two tear shaped diamonds on each side cupping the ruby, and a small round ruby below the point the diamonds made on each side. It had been in the Barba family for over a hundred years according to Abuelita, and now Lexi would wear it.

I stood up and pulled Lexi with me into my arms, she buried her face in my shoulder and put her arms around my neck. Everyone was clapping and Lexi lifted her head and looked around us finally realizing we weren’t among strangers. She looked back to me with wide eyes, "Rafi, what did you do?"

"Just invited a few friends to dinner," I told her with a smile and placing my hands on her cheeks I used the pads of my thumbs to wipe away the rest of her tears which had finally stopped. "Rafi again huh?"

Her brow furrowed in confusion, she must not have realized she'd used that nickname, "It doesn't feel wrong anymore."

I kissed her tenderly and smiled at her as she reached up to grasp my wrists, "It was never wrong when you said it mi alma. I love you." Glancing to the ring on her finger, MY ring on her finger, I nodded at it, "It looks beautiful on you."

"I forgot how beautiful it is. I have to thank Abuelita," she started to turn, then stopped and looked at me with a knowing grin. "She gave it to you on my birthday didn't she?"

I just shrugged with a smile before I let her go so she could speak to Abuelita and the rest of our group. Abuelita was smiling from ear to ear and holding her hands out to Lexi. Walking over to the piano where House was playing something I didn’t recognize I looked at him, he was grinning and watching as his fingers ran over the keys.

Swallowing my pride I took a deep breath, "Thank you House, you helped me make this special for her and I really do appreciate it."

He glanced up at me as he kept playing and shrugged, "Do you know why I've given you such a hard time all of these years Barba?"

Great, he wanted to start an argument, but at least he’d dropped the ‘law boy’ nickname for now. Sighing I shook my head and stuck my hands in my pockets before leaning my hip on the piano, "No House, I really don't."

His eyes went back to the keys on the piano, "You had a woman you could trust, that loved you no matter what you did, and didn't try to change you."

I wasn't sure where he was going with this but then he was more closed off than I was so he was even harder to read, "I know that House, what's the point?"

"When Lexi came to PPTH I hit on her. After all she is gorgeous," he glanced up at me to gauge my reaction, I just stood there. "Do you know what she said to me?"

"No, I don't," I sighed, starting to get annoyed.

"That there was only one man she would ever love and I wasn't him and not to try," he told me and started playing _You Can't Always Get What You Want_. I rolled my eyes as he continued talking. "I was a complete ass to her for months. I hounded her trying to find her weaknesses, looking for ulterior motives, trying to figure out what she lies about. I was sorely disappointed in her."

That made no sense and I just glared at him.

He gestured towards Lexi with one hand, continuing to play with the other, “There’s nothing deceptive about her. Believe me, I tried to find something. She just tells you what she thinks, no sugar coating. So, Barba, I gave you such a hard time all these years because you were immensely stupid. Now you made it right.”

I really wasn’t sure what his point was but then I stopped trying to figure him and his weird brotherly affection for Lexi years ago. Tapping the top of the piano with my palm I just nodded and walked off to where Lexi was standing with Liv and Shane.

Liv smiled widely at me and nodded, “Wow Rafael. I had no idea you could sing.”

I pressed my lips into my teeth and shrugged slightly, “A little.”

Lexi’s eyes were bright as she looked up to me and ducked under my arm which I lifted to her shoulder and held her to my side.

Shane clapped a hand on my shoulder away from Lexi, “Not bad brother.”

Eddie walked up then with a huge smile on his face, “About damn time hermano.” He grasped my free hand and shook it.

Amanda, Fin, and Amaro were next, and I was starting to get uncomfortable with the attention on me. Looking around to everyone I raised my voice so they could hear me, “Hey everybody, order what you want, it’s on me tonight.”

Leading Lexi back to our table we sat back down. She looked at me with a beautiful smile and put a hand to my cheek, “It’s okay for people to see your sweet side Rafi.”

Chuckling I lifted her left hand and kissed the back of it, again admiring the ring finally on her finger, “I know hermosa, it’s just not a feeling I’m used to.”

“What changed? What made you decide you wanted to marry me?” She asked quietly, her expression was curious, not sad or apprehensive.

“Did you really think I didn’t want to marry you?” I asked lifting my menu and pointing at what she normally ordered.

She nodded at the menu then shrugged, “Sometimes. We talked about marriage when we were young. A lot just before graduation, but I don’t think it’s come up in ten years.”

Setting the menu down, I put my hands to each side of her face and kissed her soundly, “It was never you Lexi. I was stupid plain and simple. You tell me when you want to get married and how you want to do it and I’ll do whatever you want.”

Looking around the room her eyes landed on my mother and grandmother, “What if I told you I don’t want anything big? Would they be okay with it?”

I looked over at them talking to Liv and Amanda, probably telling stories about me. “It’s not about them hermosa, it’s about us. What do you want?”

She chewed her lip, still looking at my mother and grandmother. “I just want to be your wife,” she said and looked at me.

“Then come with me to my office Monday morning and we’ll get our marriage license. We have to wait 24 hours but we can get married any time after that, we’ll have 60 days,” I told her.

Her eyes lit up as she smiled and nodded.

As the evening drew to a close I sat in my chair at the table sipping on a glass of scotch and listening to House playing the piano again. I looked over to Lexi who was talking to Shane and Liv and I knew despite my poor decisions as a young man that House was right. I’d finally made things right. Lexi would be my wife. She’d said yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, not sorry. I had to put some of Raul Esparza into this. If you’ve never heard him sing, find one of the many videos of him and listen. His voice brings tears to my eyes every time. And I adore Hugh Laurie’s piano playing as well.


	28. You Want To What?

Sunday morning I woke up to an empty bed and laughter downstairs. Amanda had gone home with Frannie before dinner the night before, and I suspected she may have come to dinner with Eddie. I’d have to ask her about it sometime, he’d definitely be good for her, and her for him. Greg wasn’t leaving until later in the day so I had the feeling that the three men I currently had in my house were playing a game again. I dressed in a pair of black yoga pants, a sports bra, and a hot pink t-shirt that said ‘NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT YOU WOULDN’T WANT TO EXPLAIN TO THE PARAMEDICS’, and brushed my hair back into a pony tail. I’d shower after I finished my morning yoga. Looking at my left ring finger I admired Abuelita’s ring, my ring, and smiled. Rafi was my fiancé now, and would soon be my husband. It still hadn’t sunk in yet that he had really asked me to marry him. And while it felt odd to call him Rafi again, after thinking about it I realized that his asking me to marry him had finally allowed me to let go of the rest of the old insecurities and hurts I’d carried around. The only reason I started calling him Raf was because of Yelina and he had proven some time ago without even knowing it that she no longer meant anything to him.

When I made it to the first floor landing I found Shane and Greg sitting on the couch playing Halo again, and Rafi was in the chair next to it with a file on the arm and a tablet in his lap that he was writing in. He lifted his eyes to mine and smiled at me then lifted his hand and crooked a finger at me. Grinning at him I padded over the cold hardwood of the area outside the living room then stepped down onto the rug that covered most of the living room. I sat on the arm of his chair but he moved his tablet and file to the end table next to him and pulled me into his lap. I lifted my feet up and pushed them down between the arm and the cushion and curled into him with my head leaning on his.

“Te amo mi alma,” he said into my ear.

I lifted my head and kissed him soundly, “I love you too Rafael.”

He looked at what I was wearing and grinned, “Yoga this morning?”

Nodding I scooted down into his lap and rested my head his shoulder, “Yeah, but I’m kinda comfy right here.”

Holding me tighter he smiled at me and kissed the top of my head, “You can stay right here as long as you like.”

“Okay love birds, cut it out, it’s disgusting,” Greg threw over Shane’s head at us, his eyes never leaving the TV.

I laughed and stood up, giving Rafael another kiss, and I walked behind the couch. When I was standing behind Greg I reached down and shoved his left shoulder which made him lose track of what he was doing and his character got blown up.

“Hey! Never interfere with a man and his video games!” He scowled at me while waiting for his character to respawn.

I just shook my head and headed into the den where I did my yoga. The room was so big that when the couch wasn’t pulled out there was about ten feet between the desk and couch so plenty of room for yoga. Laying my yoga mat out on the floor I started with Sun Pose and started making my way through my routine. Along about the time I was in a King Pigeon Pose Rafael walked in and gave me a funny look before grinning and shaking his head.

“I guess I can thank yoga for your flexibility,” he commented as he sat behind the desk with his file and tablet and started writing again.

“Yeah, yoga definitely helps,” I told him, thinking about some of the occasions where my flexibility had been VERY beneficial. I moved into a Bridge Pose. “Hey, Rafi, can we talk about something?”

He set the pen down and looked over at me, “Of course Hermosa but do you think you could sit on your mat? Some of those positions you get yourself into are a little distracting.”

I laughed, “Sure.” I dropped onto my back and moved into Lotus Pose facing him.

“Thank you,” he said with a smirk. “What’s up?”

“Well, I was thinking last night that while how and when we get married is about us, your grandmother should get a chance to see her grandson get married,” I told him.

His eyes narrowed and he tilted his head, “Okay. Did Mami say something to you?”

I shook my head vehemently, “No Rafi, she didn’t. But this ring has been in your family a long time, your grandmother accepted me even though I’m not Cuban or Catholic. She should be a part of it.”

“So what would you like to do then?” He asked, then held up a hand, “I’m sorry to sound like a controlling ass, but we are NOT getting married in the church.”

I laughed and shook my head, “Not what I was going to suggest Rafael. I was thinking just a small ceremony with maybe 20 to 25 people. We could do it outside, maybe in Central Park, and just have a dinner afterwards at Forlini’s or another restaurant. I don’t need fancy, I’m pretty sure you don’t either.” I knew what I was going to say next might really upset him, “And I was thinking we could do it on January 26th.”

His eyes went wide and his mouth opened and closed a few times before he stood up and walked over to me. He looked down at me before he sat down on the floor in front of me and took my hands, “Lexi, have you really thought about that? That was the worst day of your life, our lives. I don’t…I’m not…” He was gesturing with his hands and was at a loss for words.

“I actually have been thinking about it. Yes, it was the worst day of my life, but it was also the catalyst for some of the best things to happen to both of us. Why can’t I make that a happy day?” I asked him.

Rafael was unusually quiet while he turned over my words and it was several minutes before he spoke again, “I don’t mean to sound selfish Lexi, but I don’t know that I can handle our anniversary every year being that day. I almost lost you. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel guilty for what happened. Every time I leave you I worry that it’s the last time I’ll see you. I don’t want to smother you but you have no idea how hard it is not to. There are times I have to force myself to let you out of my sight. Times I have to stop myself from texting you constantly to make sure you’re okay.” He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath, “It hasn’t been a year yet and we don’t know how either of us will react when that day comes around. What if you have a flashback that morning? What if I can’t handle it? I don’t want our anniversary every year to be a reminder of that.”

I was dumbfounded, I didn’t realize he felt that way or still carried that kind of guilt with him. “Mi amado, I’m not going anywhere, you can’t protect me from everything every minute of the day.”

He lifted each of my hands and kissed them, “I know that. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to, or that I won’t try to do everything I can to protect you. Can we compromise on this?”

“Of course, Rafi. What do you suggest?” I ran my hands up his forearms and traced the tendons I could feel in them, before he turned them over with a smirk at me. It was always a source of amusement to him that I was constantly tracing the tendons in his forearms or the veins in his hands, feeling his biceps, or tracing the muscles of his abdomen. He thought it was an anatomical fascination because I was a doctor, which was true to a degree, but most of it was actually because everything about him was incredibly sexy.

“Let’s get our license on Monday like I originally suggested and go to the Marriage Commissioner on your next day off after that. That will be our day, our anniversary that we celebrate. Then we can have a ceremony and dinner like you suggest on January 26th for our family and friends to celebrate with them,” he suggested.

I smiled and nodded, I actually really liked that idea, “Okay, let’s do it.”

He sighed in relief and tilted his head back, “Thank you mi alma.”

I shifted up to kneel in front of him and leaned over until I was inches from his face, he opened one eye and looked at me with an amused laugh and I kissed him.

“I love you Rafi,” I told him. “Can I finish my distracting yoga now?”

Rafael started to laugh, “Yes Hermosa, go ahead and turn yourself into a pretzel. And I love you too.” He got up and went back to his chair behind the desk.

I went back into Bridge Pose while Rafael worked on his file at the desk. After I was finally done with my morning yoga I rolled up my mat, put it back in the closet, and gave Rafael a quick kiss on the lips before walking to the door.

I looked back at him over my shoulder and he tilted his head to look my way, “I’m going to take a shower. Just so you know I did a bunch of hip openers so I’m feeling REALLY flexible right now.”

He blinked a few times before closing his file and tablet and following behind me.

Early in the afternoon Rafael took Shane to the gym where he went to work out a few times a week. It was close to his office so he tended to either go early in the morning or late in the afternoon before he picked me up from the hospital. I’d continued going to the self-defense classes with Liv and ran with Amanda or Rafael but I did more yoga than anything else. It calmed me and kept me flexible and toned.

After Shane and Rafael left for the gym I was lounging back on the couch with my legs curled under me reviewing some files from the DA’s office. Greg came downstairs with his back pack over his shoulder and looked at what I was doing.

“Hasn’t law boy learned any medicine from you by now?” He asked sitting next to me and putting his back pack on the floor.

I grinned and chuckled, “He’s learned plenty Greg, not all of these files are his. And they have to have a medical professional do the reviews. You going to come back for Christmas?”

He shook his head and tapped his cane on the floor, “Maybe for New Year’s. Wilson begged me to come for Christmas dinner with him and his new wife so I’m going over there to save him.”

I rolled my eyes, “How many marriages does this make?”

“Five? Four? Who knows. He’s a serial marrier,” Greg said with a shrug.

“Is that even a word?” I chuckled and looked over at him. “Is this one any better?

He was quiet and had dropped his chin to his chest while he continued to tap his cane, “She reminds me of Amber.”

I sighed and put my hand on his shoulder, “Oh boy.”

“Yep,” he said popping the p before he picked up his back pack and stood up.

“Well you’ll have to let me know how that goes,” I wasn’t going to try to pry how he was feeling from him at that moment. “I’m glad you came, and thank you for playing the piano last night. I never realized you knew that song.”

Greg grinned at me and shrugged, “Are you happy with law boy?”

Nodding I smiled at him, “Yeah Greg, I am.”

“Good, about damn time he made up for breaking your heart,” he told me as he leaned down to hug me before telling me to keep the game console he brought for the next time he came.

I watched as he rode away on his motorcycle and went back inside to my files. After an hour of working on them I set them aside and decided to turn the TV on and started watching _Ghostbusters_. Shane and Rafael walked in the front door around the time Venkman was being hit on by Zul.

“Well if it isn’t my two favorite men,” I smiled over the couch at them and looked at Shane. “How do you like the gym?”

I noticed Rafael was unwinding tape from his hands, that was strange.

Shane shrugged and walked into the kitchen. “Not bad actually. It’s got everything I need. Decent workout gear and weights. They even have speed and heavy bags,” he called back.

“Good,” I said absently as I watched Rafael duck into the kitchen to rid himself of the tape before coming back out to the living room and giving me a kiss before sitting down next to me on the couch. Narrowing my eyes at him I looked at his hands. “Shane giving you boxing lessons Rafi?”

Rafael started to say something but Shane spoke first, “He doesn’t need lessons, just someone to hold the heavy bag for him.”

“What?” I looked wide eyed at Rafael, I could not imagine my three-piece suit wearing lawyer fiancé hitting anything let alone a boxing bag. Though I did remember his mother mentioning he hit a ‘silly bag’ at the gym.

“Eddie taught me years ago, it’s good stress relief,” he looked a little chagrinned and accepted a bottle of water from Shane who sat in the chair next to us and fixed his eyes on the TV.

“Rafi, is this part of what you were telling me earlier today about protecting me?” I asked seriously.

He shrugged and looked at the TV in front of him, "A little.”

I could tell he was uncomfortable, whether it was with the conversation in general, or because someone else was present I wasn’t sure. For now, I was going to let the conversation go. “How about a pizza for dinner guys?”

Rafi looked at me gratefully and leaned toward me to kiss me, “Sounds good mi alma.”

Shane gave me an affirmative answer as well so I went into the kitchen to order pizza and refill my tea. When I turned the corner to go back to the living room Shane was leaning forward in his chair with his elbows on his knees and Rafi was talking and gesturing animatedly at him. I wasn’t sure what the conversation was about but I decided to stay in the kitchen a few more minutes before heading back out there. The pizza arrived less than 30 minutes later and I carried it and some paper plates to the living room where I set it all on the coffee table and we opted to put _Ghostbusters II_ in the DVD player.

When Monday morning came around Shane drove Rafael and I to the DA’s office so he could take the car to do some vehicle shopping of his own that day. I was going into the hospital for my shift a little later so Rafi and I could get our marriage license which we did right at 8:30. As we walked back to his office hand in hand I was still dumbstruck that we were finally going to get married. While completing the application for the license I decided to request a surname change to Barba which surprised Rafael, but he looked happy and proud that I wanted to take his name. Now we had to figure out what day we were actually going to get married and who we wanted as our witness or witnesses.


	29. And Finally...

Rafael and I decided to have Liv be our witness when we got married. Neither of us felt like it was fair to ask one of our family, or extended family if you will, since we couldn’t ask them all. And quite frankly she was the only one of our friends who we had each befriended on our own and not because of the other. She was shocked and happy when we asked, and told us she would be honored to make sure Rafael didn’t screw it up. He just rolled his eyes at that statement and walked away from us as we laughed.

After getting our marriage license my next day off was Wednesday, December 5th, and we planned to get married during his break that day. I’d bought a dress to get married in and despite Rafael thinking I was being silly I was adamant he wasn’t going to see me in it until we were at the Marriage Bureau for our ceremony. That morning I buried myself under our covers when he came to kiss me goodbye and he laughed.

“You can’t see me Rafi! It’s our wedding day, it’s bad luck,” I mumbled from under the covers, sticking my hands out to wave him away as he kissed the top my head.

“Mi alma, I think we broke that tradition when we made love last night and woke up naked together this morning,” he chuckled from the vicinity of the doorway.

“Go to work Rafael, don’t look at me!” I screeched.

That just made him laugh harder, “Okay, okay. I’m going. Te amo hermosa.”

“I love you too,” I threw back in an annoyed voice even though I was smiling under the covers.

I heard his footsteps descending the stairs then Shane’s laughter and the front door opening and closing. Once I was sure he was out of the house I got up and threw my robe on and headed into the bathroom to shower and get dressed. For the time being I just threw on a pair of black yoga pants and a purple t-shirt that said ‘WE LIVE IN A WORLD OF SMART PHONES AND STUPID PEOPLE.’ Liv was going to come get me and take me to the Marriage Commissioners office when Rafael was finished with arraignments that morning. I went downstairs to the kitchen and found Shane making bacon.

He grinned over at me when I walked in and made a cup of peppermint tea. “You nervous?”

Shaking my head I watched him as he flipped bacon and added more to the pan, “Actually no, I’ve been ready to be married to Rafael for years.”

“You may not think I know your tells but when you’re nervous you chew the right inside corner of your bottom lip. So let’s try that again?” Shane said without looking at me.

Huffing I lifted my hand to my lip where I was indeed chewing the inside of it and walked around to the other side of the breakfast bar sitting down in one of the chairs there. I rubbed my thumbs over my cup and stared at it for a minute before looking back to my brother who was watching me. “I’m not nervous about marrying Rafael. I guess I’m afraid that we’re too happy, things are going too well.”

“Pixie, you have got to stop catastrophizing. Even if something does happen you and Rafael have a good strong relationship. You’ve made it through some of the worst things that could happen to a couple and look where you are now,” he told me turning back to the bacon which he moved to a plate and went to the fridge for eggs.

“Yeah, I know Shane. Dr. Lindstrom has been saying the same thing and telling me that the stress of the approaching anniversary of my rape is probably scattering my emotions and making me doubt myself again,” I said quietly, hoping that he’d drop the line of conversation.

But of course, he spun back around to look at me, “Okay, so if you knew your emotions were already out of whack almost two months from that day, why did you suggest getting married then to Rafael?”

I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. Shane wasn’t one to let things go, I should have realized he’d ask. Dropping my head back down I looked in his eyes, “To be honest, I thought I could put it out of my mind if I had something happy to look forward to.”

Shane moved to stand directly in front of me and put his hands flat on the counter, “Pixie, you have to let yourself get through your feelings about what happened organically. Trying to mask it or avoid it will just make it worse.”

“I’m fine Shane. I still see Dr. Lindstrom, I made appointments for every week in January through the beginning of February. I’ve got Rafael, you, Liv, Amanda. It will be fine Shane,” I told him with a confidence I wasn’t necessarily sure I felt.

“Listen to me,” he came around the island to stand next to me and put his hands on my shoulders. “Next month may be harder than you anticipate especially the closer you get to the 26th. You do have a good support system, but you still have PTSD, and trust me when I say you don’t always know when something might trigger it.”

Searching his eyes I could see he was speaking from experience, “Shane do you…”

He just held up a hand and shook his head as he walked back around to the stove, “This isn’t about me Pixie. It’s about you and Rafael. You have to let yourselves feel what you feel and work through it.”

Sighing I watched my brother as he finished making breakfast for us. He plated the eggs onto two plates, added some toast, and put one of the plates in front of me pushing the plate of bacon my way. I pulled a few pieces of the salty meat onto my plate and Shane and I moved our conversation to his search for an appropriate space for the security company he’d been asked to start. He had found an SUV that he bought Monday afternoon and was going to be spending the next week or two searching for office space in addition to looking for a condo or brownstone to live in. As I listened to and watched my brother, the one I grew up with, I was struck by how much I had genuinely missed him over the years. He was definitely different, harder and more closed off, but he still had the same sweet kind nature he’d had growing up. After we finished eating he cleaned up the dishes and headed out to look at some properties. I went to sit on the couch with a few files that I needed to review.

A few hours later my phone pinged next to me.

_Liv: I’ll be there to pick you up in an hour._

_Me: Okay, I’ll start getting ready now. See you soon. And thanks Liv!_

_Liv: I’m excited to be there for you both._

I smiled as I ran upstairs to the master bedroom and pulled my hair from it’s clip. My dress was an off-shoulder tulip sleeved silk sheath with a sweetheart neckline that reached just above my knees and I had a pair of ivory silk platform heels to go with it. The fabric of the dress was iridescent so depending on how the light hit it the color would look either a metallic lavender or rose. The colors in my hair were currently a pale blue and seafoam green and I was pinning it back from my face with a few rhinestone combs and otherwise leaving it loose curling long down my back. My makeup I did very light, black mascara and winged eyeliner, just a touch of sparkle around my eyes, a little bronzer to my cheeks, and a pale mauve shimmery lip gloss. Hopefully Rafael would love it.

I was just coming down the stairs when I heard Liv’s distinctive knock and I rushed the last few steps to shut off the alarm and open the door for her.

“Liv!” I exclaimed happily and hugged her.

“Hey Lexi, you look beautiful,” she smiled and held her right arm out away from us until I let her go and she handed me a short bouquet of ivory roses. Courtesy of Rafael I was sure.

She had just come from the squad but had dressed up a little and was wearing black pants, her black high heeled boots, and the shirt she’d worn at the dinner party she and Brian threw. Now that I thought about Brian I realized Liv hadn’t really talked about him since he’d transferred over to IAB. It wasn’t a subject I’d broach today but I realized I needed to talk to Liv, she had seemed kind of sad lately and I worried his being in IAB now was affecting their relationship.

“Thanks Liv, hopefully Rafael will think so,” I chuckled and took the flowers from her lifting them to my nose and taking a deep breath.

“Of course he will Lexi,” Liv rolled her eyes and shook her head with a smile on her face.

Rafael had always told me I was beautiful, even when my style was overly eclectic and slightly odd compared to his immaculate and well-coordinated three-piece suits. So, I knew I didn’t have anything to worry about but I still wanted him to have the feeling of time stopping when he saw me today. After resetting the alarm and locking the door I followed Liv to her car and she drove us over to the Marriage Commissioners office where Rafael was to be waiting for us.

When I walked into the Commissioner’s office Rafael was standing there talking to him and when he turned to look at me I smiled. As his eyes met mine time did feel like it stopped and I felt like we were the only two people in the world. He looked stunned, almost in awe when he saw me, and I could see his eyes well up with tears. His hand reached out to me and I put my hand in his and was overwhelmed with the feeling of love he conveyed in just that simple touch. The ceremony was short but the vows we made to each other were profound in a way I didn’t think were for many couples. I felt a connection to Rafael that went beyond love, our souls were connected, our lives entwined, our hearts hopelessly entangled.

After the Commissioner pronounced us husband and wife Rafael grinned at me then leaned in to kiss me. That kiss, while from outward appearances probably looked innocent, was in reality filled with more passion than might have been appropriate there in that office in front of Liv and a total stranger. When Rafael stepped back from me I could feel my face flush as he reached his hand up to curl a finger under my chin.

“Mrs. Barba,” he whispered to me.

I felt my lips spread into a wide and happy smile at the sound of my new name. Mrs. Barba. Finally, I was Rafael’s wife.

When we made love that night it was slow and sweet, looking into each other eyes and whispering words of love and passion. Afterwards we lay in each other’s arms and Rafael kissed my forehead reminding me as he always did of how much he loved me before we fell asleep. Despite my admission to Shane of scattered emotions and self-doubt I knew there wasn’t anything that could truly damage my relationship with Rafael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for sticking with me!! This one will be continuing on and following cannon loosely though I won't be including as much from the episodes as I did with 'October Surprise.' And for anyone missing the angst, well now that our happy couple is married, there's some coming up shortly.


	30. Apprehension

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might feel a little like a filler chapter but I wrote it with the intent to close a few things out and set up some others. The next few chapters will be fairly intense.

I could hardly believe I was finally Rafael’s wife, it seemed surreal that after nearly twenty years of on again off again on again we were really married. In hind sight, I was really glad he’d talked me out of having our ceremony at the one year mark from my rape. While what I’d told him was true, I did want a happy memory to replace the bad, I didn’t want future anniversaries marred by flashbacks or depression. And no matter how brave I was or how convicted I was not to let that date affect me the truth was that it did. Other things were having an effect on me too, things that I thought were long buried.

Over the weeks following our wedding I had my name changed on everything, including my professional accreditations. I was taking the surname Barba professionally as well. The first-time Rafael heard me say Dr. Barba it made him chuckle. We had decided to have a ceremony and reception for family and friends on our first anniversary and that was when we’d have a honeymoon too. Probably in St. Bart’s.

The weeks to Christmas flew by as they always did, there always seemed to be weeks of preparation for the few hours spent with family and friends. Rafael and I put up our first Christmas tree together and had fun picking through each other’s collection of ornaments to decide what was going on it. We even picked out a new ornament that we had engraved with our names and our wedding date and put it front and center. Since we didn’t spend Thanksgiving with his mother and Abuelita we had breakfast with them and exchanged presents on Christmas morning. The rest of the day we spent visiting our friends and exchanging presents with them. It really was one of the best Christmas’ I could remember.

New Years’ flew by as well, Greg didn’t make it back then like he planned since he wound up with a patient that kept getting sicker. We video chatted though, talked about the patient and bounced ideas off each other as we often did. He told me Wilson’s new wife was better than Amber and he thought they’d make it at least a year, then promised to make it back up as soon as he could get a week away.

Shane found space to start his new security company and I discovered that he and Eddie Garcia had become friends. I was also pleasantly surprised to find out that Eddie was going to work with Shane once the company was up and running. He’d turned down the job at the hospital because he didn’t think he’d be able to emotionally handle some of the types of ill or injured patients we had on a routine basis, especially rape victims and children. Ultimately, I thought the type of security Shane would be doing was a much better fit for him anyway.

Not long after finding space for the security company Shane bought a three-bedroom brownstone and closed on it, moving in pretty quickly. I had gotten so used to Shane or someone else being in the house with us for the past few months that I almost felt like I had empty nest syndrome. Every time I turned around I had to start a new project or cook for an army to keep from feeling out of control.

I went every week in January to Dr. Lindstrom’s office and I could definitely feel the trepidation starting to take over as the 26th approached. He continued to assure me that my feelings were perfectly normal, and I was doing well in my recovery. Some days I didn’t feel that way but I knew that not only had I come a long way since my rape but so had my relationship with Rafael. In a strange way Thomas Burlew and his desire for revenge against Rafael had catapulted us into a re-examination of our relationship that brought us closer and moved us forward. So, the truth was I already had many good memories to replace the bad.

Rafael and I were cuddled on the sofa one Saturday night in our usual routine, I had a movie on, this time _Jaws_ , there was a bowl of popcorn between us, and he was working on a case file.

“You know,” he started to speak, not taking his eyes from the pad he was writing on, “You’ve been restless since Shane left. I think you’ve rearranged the kitchen, put another box of our pictures into three scrapbooks, made how many pans of brownies I’ve had to take into the squad so I don’t get fat, and all of a sudden I’m finding Kurt Vonnegut mixed in with my law books. What’s going on?”

Sighing, I picked up the remote and paused the movie, how did I explain this to Rafael when I wasn’t even sure what was going on? Putting my hand over his on the legal pad he was writing on so he would look at me, I smiled over at him when his green eyes met my blue. “I love you Rafael, with all my heart, and I wish I could tell you what it was. But I don’t really know what’s wrong. We have each other, wonderful friends and family, fulfilling careers. I just…” I paused trying to find the words, “I guess I’m feeling anxious and feeling like something is missing. Maybe it’s because we’re almost to the year mark of my rape. Maybe it’s not, maybe it’s something else.” At times I felt scattered, out of control, others normal, and other times so depressed I didn’t want to get out of bed. I just couldn’t explain it and hated to admit that much of it I hadn’t talked to Rafael or Dr. Lindstrom about, or even Liv or Amanda who would probably understand.

He was watching me with those green eyes of his that could read through the bullshit being thrown at him every day by criminals and defense attorneys. I knew he could see through me, but all I saw in their depths was love and understanding, and just a little bit of pain. He moved his file and legal pad aside and turned to face me, before picking up both of my hands and kissing the backs of each. “Lexi, I love you. No matter what you need you know I’m here. But I have to ask, is this possibly about anything else?”

I swallowed hard and looked at him, “Maybe, I really don’t know. Can we table that discussion until I get through the next few weeks?”

Rafael put his hand to my cheek and thumbed away the tear that was falling, “Of course mi alma, but I think we need to talk about it. I know it’s been a long time, but you’re nesting again. And I don’t think that is entirely related to the date.”

I grasped his wrist and smiled at him, “Probably not. I think that with our marriage, Shane leaving, the holidays, all of it is just making me hormonal.”

He let out a bark of laughter, “Just remember, I did not say that.”

Leaning my head onto his shoulder I reached my hand over and pulled his t-shirt up so I could lay my hand against the skin of his chest, “No you didn’t. But you love me even when I’m hormonal. Crazy. Happy. Mad. Silly. Depressed.”

I felt him kiss the top of my head, “All of it Hermosa, all the time.”

I really thought I was dealing fairly well with everything until I woke up the morning of January 25th and I wasn’t.

**Rafael's POV**

Since January 26th was a Sunday this year and my intent had been to keep Lexi's mind off of everything I asked her to schedule herself off from Saturday to Monday. I honestly thought she was handling the approaching one year mark since her rape well. Until we got to the Saturday before. I knew when I woke up that morning that something was off but didn't recognize it for what it was at the time. Given the nature of our work schedules we'd both always been early risers. Even on her days off she was awake at 6 and never in bed past 8, unless we were occupied. When I woke at 6:30a.m. I found her curled up in a ball next to me and buried under the covers and at first chalked it up to her being cold. Granted normally when she was she'd just curl herself into me but I really thought maybe I just hadn't been warm enough for her.

Leaning over her on the bed I kissed her temple and whispered in her ear that I loved her. She didn’t stir so either she really was asleep or she was pretending to be. So I moved quietly around our room and pulled on running shorts then sweatpants and a t-shirt. I was supposed to meet both Shane and Eddie at the gym that morning. The two of them had become friends after meeting at Thanksgiving and Eddie was going to be working for Shane. Eddie deserved a break, and he’d finally get one. I suspected that Eddie and Amanda might be seeing each other, though I hadn’t told Lexi my suspicion.

When I got to the gym I found Shane and Eddie already there, Shane was hitting the heavy bag that Eddie was holding.

“You know,” I said as I approached them, “I don’t know why I’m here. You two are the fighters. Not me.”

Eddie raised an eyebrow and looked at Shane who stopped.

Shane looked at me and shook a taped hand, “You’re a fighter too Rafael. Just in a different way. You fought for my sister.”

“You fought for me hermano,” Eddie offered with sincerity.

“You fight for people every day,” Shane added and looked at Eddie again. “Where’s this coming from anyway?”

I shot him a withering look, “You know what tomorrow is right? I have a wife at home who doesn’t want to admit she’s struggling. We had an odd conversation last weekend and I’m not sure I understand what’s in her head.”

“Maybe ask Liv and Amanda to visit her?” Shane suggested.

I chewed my lip as I thought about that, if anyone could relate to how Lexi was feeling it was Liv. William Lewis may not have raped her, but he came close and he traumatized her severely. Liv and Lexi hadn’t had a chance to spend much time together since Thanksgiving and I was certain they hadn’t talked about how Lexi was feeling so maybe it would help.

“Yeah, good idea actually. Let me get ahold of her before you two use me as a punching bag,” I stepped back from them to pull my phone from my gym bag and pulled up Liv’s contact.

_Me: Hey Liv, can you go by the house and spend some time with Lexi this morning?_

I leaned back against the wall and watched Eddie and Shane on the bag while I waited. My phone pinged within a minute.

_Liv: Sure, is she having trouble? We haven’t had a chance to talk much. I’ve been helping Brian move his stuff out and over to his new place._

That was a major surprise, I had no idea they were having problems.

_Me: Wow Liv, I had no idea. Are you okay?_

_Liv: Stop it, I’m fine Rafael. It was mutual. What’s going on with Lexi? Should I call Amanda too?_

_Me: Probably couldn’t hurt. I think she’s struggling and doesn’t really want to admit it. Even though I want to, I know I can’t relate to how she’s feeling._

It was at least a minute before she responded.

_Liv: You care, and that’s enough. But you’re right, you really can’t understand unless you go through it yourself. I’ll call Amanda and we’ll go over there._

_Me: Thanks Liv. I owe you._

_Liv: Ha, you always owe me Barba! I save your ass every damn case._

I chuckled at that, she was at least half right.


	31. Unhappy Anniversaries

After Rafael left the house to meet Shane and Eddie at the gym I stayed in bed. I was feeling frozen, as much as I knew I should get out of bed and make use of the day, I just couldn’t gather the motivation to do so. I’d had bad moments over the last year, flashbacks, triggers, bouts of depression, but nothing as stifling as how I felt when I woke up that morning. The world could end and I wouldn’t care. I was angry at Rafi. For what I couldn’t place. I’d been doing so good, been so happy, but suddenly without good reason, I felt anyway, I was back to feeling depressed and unsure of myself.

I knew Rafael was worried about me and I knew why, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about that either. I’d closed my eyes after Rafi kissed my temple and tried to go back to sleep, I couldn’t even manage to bring myself to tell him I loved him. All I wanted was for him to go away and leave me alone.

When I opened my eyes again it was 8a.m. and I could hear someone knocking on the front door. Whoever it was would get tired of knocking eventually and go away so I just closed my eyes again. A few minutes later I heard the front door open and someone punching the code on the alarm keypad. There were a few of our friends and family who had keys and the alarm code, though two of them were with Rafael, so that left Liv and Lucia. Today was not a day I wanted to deal with his mother, so I really hoped it was Liv if someone had to come up and pester me.

I could hear two female voices coming up the stairs talking and when I rolled slightly to look through the bedroom door I saw a blonde head and brunette one. Liv and Amanda. Rafael, the rat bastard, must have called them. I picked up one of the throw pillows from the shelf in the headboard and threw it at Liv as she walked through the door and she caught the damn pillow in her hand.

I had rolled in the blankets to face the door and could see Liv had a bag in her hand and Amanda had a cup holder with three cups in it. “Go away,” I mumbled into my pillow. “I just want to stay in bed.”

Amanda shrugged, “That’s okay, we brought PJs with us along with breakfast. The bed’s big enough for the three of us. We’ll put our PJs on and eat breakfast in bed and have a pajama party.”

Despite the fact that Rafael and I pretty well always slept cuddled together we’d opted for a king size bed because we spent a lot of time in it with papers spread about us both. Liv looked at all of the space I wasn’t occupying in the bed and snickered as she walked to the dresser and opened the drawer I kept my PJs in.

Pulling some out she tossed them at me and used her cop voice “Put those on.”

I narrowed my eyes when I realized just which PJs she tossed me. The two of them had to have some kind of whacked out theme in mind with their impromptu breakfast visit. Knowing my friends as well as I did I opted not to argue and got out of the bed with a huff and went to the bathroom to change into the PJs she’d tossed at me. When I came back out they were both barefoot and sitting on the bed indian-style grinning like fools. Liv was wearing a white t-shirt with the Wonder Woman corset printed on it and blue pants with white stars. Amanda was wearing black pants with yellow bat symbols all over them and a grey t-shirt with a black bat symbol and Batgirl scrawled across it in yellow. I couldn’t help but laugh, especially because Liv had tossed me my Harley Quinn PJs.

Liv started laughing and waved me over to the bed, “Come on. We have a Chai Latte for you and pastries for us all. After we eat we can talk and watch movies or that trash TV the two of you like.”

I was feeling suspicious of them both when I knew they were just trying to be good friends, and Rafael was only trying to be the loving husband he was. “Rafi called you, didn’t he?”

Shrugging Liv handed me one of the cups from the tray Amanda had carried in, “Texted actually. He’s worried about you Lexi. He knows something’s wrong but knows he can’t really understand how you feel right now even though he wants to.”

I took a sip of the drink she handed me, it was warm and spicy, before I turned my eyes to Amanda’s, “What’s your excuse?”

“I’m Batgirl,” she snarked at me with a silly grin.

I couldn’t help it I snorted and started coughing when the hot tea I had in my mouth went down the wrong way. They laughed with me. When I composed myself enough to talk I looked between them, “You realize you made me the insane bad girl here.”

Liv pointed to my hair which ironically was currently a magenta and turquoise color, “It fits in this case. But you’re the one always dragging us to the comic book movies, and telling us all the backstory on the characters.”

Amanda was digging in the pastry bag and handed me a decadent cheese Danish before she passed one to Liv and took one for herself. Looking at them both I realized I was lucky to have two girlfriends like them, as tough as nails as they both were, they were still willing to bring out the silly just to help me feel better and keep my sanity.

“Thanks guys,” I said taking a bite of the Danish and rolling my eyes. “Oh my god this is so good.”

“They make the best pastries, good thing I run so much with Frannie or I’d be fat,” Amanda said stuffing a bite in her mouth.

“Talk to us Lexi, what’s going on?” Liv said between bites.

I finished my Danish and wiped my hands off together before taking my cup and holding it in them. Staring off at a space on the bedspread in front of me while I tried to place my feelings I shook my head. “I don’t know. I feel like the world could crumble around me and I wouldn’t care. I’m angry and sad at the same time. For some reason I woke up this morning angry at Rafael even though he hasn’t done anything wrong. I thought I was over this, that I was better.”

Amanda cleared her throat and glanced at Liv before speaking, “You’re never over it Lexi, you just learn how to live with it and work through it. It’s been four years for me, and I’m still not over it.”

Liv looked shocked, I had no idea either.

Holding up a hand Amanda shook her head, “I’m not saying something about it now so we can sit here and talk about me. I want you to know that I understand from personal experience too. There are days that I’m still angry at the world, days that the urge to gamble in order to cope is so strong I feel helpless, and days that I just don’t want to get out of bed.”

Liv was nodding, “Lewis didn’t go so far as to rape me but you both know what he did. Brian and I were together when Lewis kidnapped me, even though we weren’t living together at the time and it wasn’t his fault, I still had days that I blamed him. I still struggle with blaming myself. I have trouble taking the same advice I give to survivors.”

“The thing is honey, it hasn’t been that long. Just a year and you really are doing so well. It’s normal to have bad days, especially around this time. Every year when it gets close for me I get really pissy and don’t really want to talk to anybody,” Amanda relayed honestly.

I was guessing both Liv and I were thinking the same thing, that when we thought back we could pick those days out. When I realized these two incredibly strong women who had gone through similar ordeals struggled sometimes just like I was then things didn’t seem quite so hopeless for me.

Something Liv said made me think, I chewed the inside of my cheek before looking over at her, “You blamed Brian?”

She nodded and took a sip of her drink, “Yeah, sometimes when I’m having a bad day I still find myself going through all the what ifs. What if Brian hadn’t been working a double and I’d gone to his place? What if he’d come to mine instead? What if he’d come to check on me when I wasn’t answering the phone? What if this, what if that. It’s normal. It’s not his fault, and I’ve never blamed him but I still have those thoughts.”

We’d all scooted up to the head of the bed and had piled all of the bed and throw pillows behind us and were sitting back against them as we talked. I was still chewing the inside of my cheek as I thought about what Liv had said.

“The thing is I have never blamed Rafael for what happened but I have those same kinds of thoughts. What if he’d left the office on time that night? What if we’d decided to go to my apartment that night instead? What if he’d never been assigned Thomas Burlew’s case all those years ago? Things like that that feel like I’m blaming him somehow, and every time I do I feel so damn guilty,” I told them as I played with the hem of my t-shirt. “This morning I woke up so angry at him for not being there and I don’t know where it came from. Then when he kissed me and told me he loved me I pretended to be asleep because I just wanted him to leave.”

“Have you talked to him?” Amanda asked, she was sitting on Rafi’s side of the bed closest to the door and picked up the ever-changing picture of me on his night stand and smirked as she showed it to me.

I took the picture from her and ran my fingers over the frame. This time the picture was of me doing yoga, I was in Lotus Position with my eyes closed and looked peaceful. “He’s had this same frame on his nightstand with a picture of me in it for as long as I can remember. The picture always changes though, and I never know where he gets them.”

“He’s got a frame in his office with a picture of you in it that never seems to be the same either Lexi,” Liv told me with a smile. “He really loves you, I’ve never seen a man as much in love as he is with you. If you haven’t talked to him you really should. Even if he doesn’t understand he will support you.”

Tears were rolling down my cheeks at that point, “But I don’t want him to blame himself any more than he already does Liv.”

“Sweetie, we know you don’t but in order for you both to heal you have to talk to each other,” Amanda told me as both she and Liv put their arms around me to hug me.

I put a hand on each of theirs as my best friends tried their best to help the only way they knew how. If it weren’t for them being there I would have just stayed in bed all day, mad at Rafael for no real reason. Something Dr. Lindstrom had told me to do when I was having a really bad day was to change my routine, do things that made me happy. I was sure that Liv knew that, she’d been seeing him longer than I had been, and I suspected that suggestion was one of the reasons they came over with the silly super hero PJs and breakfast. Rafael must have had some inkling of that as well since he was the one who had told me to take off work until Monday. It dawned on me that I hadn’t heard Rafael come in the house and he should have been home by that point.

“I need to text Rafael, he should be home by now,” I said as I tried to scoot from between them, and Liv put a hand out to stop me.

“No need, I asked him to go to my place and help Brian finish moving the last of his stuff to his new place. Since he was with Shane and Eddie they all offered to help,” she told me calmly, obviously trying to skim over the fact that Brian was moving out.

“What happened Liv?” I asked quietly.

She gave a small shrug of her shoulders, “We just weren’t fitting. It was mutual, there’s no hard feelings. I’ll always love him, but maybe we were just meant to get each other through those difficult points in our lives.”

I looked at Amanda who appeared to be just as surprised as I was before I looked back to Liv, “I’m sorry Liv, I really am.”

“I’m fine, really. Now pick a movie or some trash TV show you two watch,” she deflected and handed me the TV remote as we all sank back into the pillows.

**Rafael’s POV**

It was early afternoon by the time Shane, Eddie, and I finished helping Cassidy move the last of his things from Liv’s place and into his new one. We headed back to the brownstone and when we all walked in the door the house was quiet. At first I didn’t think the girls were there at all, figuring maybe Liv and Amanda had gotten Lexi out of the house, but as I reset the alarm Shane pointed up the stairs and I heard giggling. The giggling actually sounded like all three of them.

The three of us went up the stairs following the giggling and found the three of them in the master bedroom, huddled at the head of the bed, a bowl of popcorn in Lexi’s lap who was in the middle, and they were watching the TV. When I caught site of what they were wearing, and Lexi’s hair I stopped short.

“Really? Wonder Woman, Bat Girl, and Harley Quinn?” I asked, Lexi had pulled her hair into two pony tails, the pink on one side, the blue on the other.

She’d dressed up as the comic book character once several years ago for a Halloween party she’d gone to with Liv, who as I recalled Lexi said had dressed up as Wonder Woman. It was kind of fitting for them both. When I asked Liv to check on Lexi I didn’t exactly intend for them to play dress up, but somehow I could see what she’d done. Lexi was a comic book nerd, she always had been, there was a small collection of comic books mixed in with our books. She tended to favor strong female characters, like Wonder Woman, Bat Girl, or Super Girl but one of her favorites was Harley Quinn, I never understood it, but it was one of those things that made her happy. I guessed Liv knew if she was silly, dressing the three of them up as pseudo comic book characters to appeal to Lexi’s lighter side, that she might be able to get her mind off what was depressing her.

“It’s a pajama party,” Lexi said simply with a smile and scooted down some so I could reach her to give her a kiss. “I love you,” she whispered to me.

The fact that she was talking to me and seemed in better spirits was all that mattered to me, I didn’t really care what Liv and Amanda had done to get her there. “I love you too, mi alma. And, I can see that.” I pulled the pink side of her hair through my fingers. “Have you ladies eaten anything besides junk food?”

Amanda brushed her hands off on her pants, and I noticed her eyes fall on Eddie who was standing behind me smiling, “Not really.”

“I would suggest pizza but that’s more junk food the three of you probably don’t need,” I told them with a smirk. “So why don’t the three of us get cleaned up and we can all go to Forlini’s for an early dinner?”

All three nodded, Shane and Eddie agreed, then Liv and Amanda stood up from the bed and gave Lexi a pointed look. The two of them picked up their shoes and a bag I hadn’t noticed then followed Eddie and Shane of the room. I closed the door and looked over at my wife who was smiling at me.

“Thank you, Rafi,” she said and held her hand out to me.

I walked back to the bed and took her hand, she tugged pulling me forward and off balance so that I fell onto the bed. Propping myself up on my elbow facing her I reached my other hand out and touched her knee running it down to her calf and grasping her ankle. “There’s nothing to thank me for mi alma. I was worried, I thought Liv might be better equipped to help this time. Apparently, she brought the super heroes,” I told her sarcastically.

She smirked, “It did kind of force me out of my funk. Although it’s kind of ironic that the two cops were the superheroes and the doctor the insane psychiatrist. I think she did it on purpose.”

I pulled some of her hair forward into her vision and she smirked again.

“Okay, yeah, point taken. Maybe someday I’ll stop with the crazy colors but for now I still like it,” she told me with a laugh and pulled her hair down. “At least I stopped dying the entire thing different colors.”

“I never minded it Hermosa, I’m perfectly happy to grow old with a blue or pink haired wife as long as you’re happy with it,” I sat up and started taking off my tennis shoes and socks so I could get in the shower. “But we’re avoiding the issue. Do you want to tell me what was going on this morning while I get in the shower?”

She’d pulled her hair back and started braiding it, the colors in her hair shifting from her pale blonde, to pink, to blue. Lexi would probably never realize just how much I appreciated small things like that about her, no matter what happened in life she was always determined to be herself and she’d done that. I started undressing and dropping my clothes into the hamper in our closet as I waited for her to start talking to me.

“I can’t really explain it Rafi. I woke up angry at you and just wanted you to leave me alone. All that kept running through my head was what if this what if that,” she told me.

When I heard her say she was angry at me I came back out of the bathroom with a towel around my waist and looked at her. I wasn’t sure what I’d done, but I was damn well determined to make up for whatever it was. “What did I do to upset you?”

She stood from the bed, walked over to me, and wrapped her arms around my neck. “You didn’t do anything Rafi, you really didn’t. I wasn’t actually angry at you. It’s just…I’m angry at what happened to me. Angry at how things changed between us.”

I had put my arms around her waist and had my hands resting at the small of her back, and was sure I looked completely confused. “Hermosa, things have gotten better since then. I’m not sure I understand.”

“It’s hard to explain, I know we’ve moved forward in a lot of things. But this will always be with us. There’s always the chance I’ll have a flashback or have a day like this morning. It’s not fair,” she looked frustrated.

Pulling her further into me I held her and leaned my cheek on top of her head, “I know mi alma, but I love you. I always have and always will. Whatever happens, good or bad, we will work through it. Maybe it might be a good idea for me to go to one of your appointments with Dr. Lindstrom with you.”

She sighed in my arms and I could feel her relax. I got into the shower and got dressed, and we met everyone downstairs to head out to Forlini’s. It was getting more obvious, to me anyway, that there was something between Eddie and Amanda. Whether they had taken it anywhere or would I didn’t know, but if they did and were happy that was fine with me. While I could tell there was still some lingering sadness hanging over Lexi she was definitely more herself at dinner. Fortunately, the next day, the anniversary of her rape, even though she was still depressed she wasn’t frozen as she’d described herself feeling that morning. The next month was going to turn out to be very difficult and not for the reasons we may have originally thought.


	32. Beast's Obsession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains mentions of parts of the episode 'Beast’s Obsession' of which I take no credit for. This is the start of my version of Beast’s Obsession in my altered timeline, technically since I screwed up the timeline I have it that Lewis kidnapped Olivia several months before Lexi was raped.

I was on shift in the ER, having a relatively quiet night, when we got a call at around quarter to 11 about an inmate with an apparent heart attack coming from Rikers to our prison ward. Maybe I was a little paranoid but frankly the only DOC officer in Riker’s whom I trusted had been Eddie. Of course he wasn’t there any longer so I asked Jack to come with me when I went in to assess the prisoner. When I got there I was shocked to find that it was William Lewis and that he’d coded so they were starting CPR. As much as I hated the man for what he’d done to my friend I was a doctor and I’d taken an oath to do no harm, so as sick as it made me I had to overlook who he was.

“Dr. Barba! He just flatlined and we’ve started CPR,” the ward nurse standing at the crash cart yelled, as if I couldn’t see the people doing CPR for myself.

I looked at the monitor, as usual they read it wrong. It wasn’t asystole, he was in fine v-fib. Morons. Shaking my head I moved her out of the way and picked up the paddles on the defibrillator, at least they had the sense to put the defib pads on his chest just in case we needed them. Looking at her I motioned to the monitor, “He’s in fine v-fib, charge to 200 joules.”

She did as I instructed and when the machine beeped indicating it was charged I looked around the stretcher as I placed the paddles to the pads, “CLEAR!” When my staff all stepped back and held their hands up I pressed the buttons on the paddles to deliver the shock.

Picking the paddles back up I watched the monitor for a few seconds. I had a few blips, severely bradycardic, but a few normal sinus blips at least. “Atropine .5,” I told the nurse. She turned to the cart and drew up the ordered medication and injected it into Lewis’ IV. Fuck, it worked, I thought to myself. The one time I secretly wished a patient wouldn’t cardiovert and he did.

“Make sure he remains restrained under all circumstances. No one is to uncuff him in this ward, do I make myself clear?” I looked pointedly at the DOC officers standing around looking bored.

They gave me a dirty look but nodded as I picked up Lewis’ chart and started writing orders for meds and testing in it. I didn’t see any indication in his chart anywhere that he had any conditions that would have led to a heart attack so I wanted him tested for drugs and medications that would emulate one. Of course, I had my suspicions but I was going to wait for the tox report to come back. When I got back into the regular ER I went to the desk to see if things were quiet. Rosie assured me I was fine to step out for half an hour so I could make some phone calls. She’d page me if anything changed.

I went to my office where I knew I wouldn’t be interrupted and dialed Rafi first, the phone rang once before he picked up. “Mi alma? Everything okay?” His voice was hoarse, he sounded like I’d woken him, which when I realized it was after midnight wasn’t surprising. Despite his long hours he did go to bed before midnight most nights.

“Hey Rafi…Uhm no…not really,” I told him, I could hear him shifting in our bed. Most likely he was sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “William Lewis is in the prison ward here.”

“What?!” He sounded agitated, “Why?”

“Apparent heart attack, but I’m not buying it. I brought him out of cardiac arrest for now and I’ve ordered tox screens, there’s just nothing in his records to indicate any condition that would lead to a heart attack,” I told him seriously, I was turning over in my mind what he could have gotten ahold of in Rikers to emulate a heart attack. Probably just about anything he wanted.

“Wait a minute,” I heard him let out a breath. “Wait a minute. Lexi, are you telling me you treated him?” He asked a little louder, surprise very evident in his voice.

I dropped my head into my hands, “Yes Rafi, I had to. You know that. I can’t pick and choose my patients. Any more than you can pick and choose your victims. I took an oath to do no harm and I abide by that oath. No matter who the patient is.”

He sighed heavily on the other end of the line, “I know that mi alma. That’s not what’s bothering me.” Now he sounded scared and I clued in.

“You’re afraid he’s going to hurt me, is that it?” I asked him quietly and calmly.

“Yes,” he was silent for a few seconds, all I could hear was his quiet but controlled breathing. “I almost lost you once.”

“Rafael, I took Jack with me, and I’ve instructed the DOC officers not to uncuff him for any reason while he’s here,” I explained calmly. I knew what William Lewis was capable of and I wasn’t taking any chances, I didn’t want my staff or anyone else hurt again at his hands.

“I don’t exactly trust the DOC officers at Rikers, let me call Amaro or Tutuola to go over there,” his voice was gravely, I could tell he was trying to hold his emotions in check and that he was worried. William Lewis was the worst sexual predator he’d ever come across and he felt partly responsible for what happened to Liv because he couldn’t get a conviction on Alice Parker’s rape. I knew my husband, he wasn’t going to sleep until I was home with him and Lewis was back at Riker’s.

“Okay Rafi, if that will ease your mine that’s fine. I’m going to call Shane to go to Liv’s. If something does happen I want to make sure she’s safe since Brian’s not there anymore,” I told him.

“That’s a good idea. Just do me a favor mi alma, please text me every so often while he’s there. I’m not going to be able to sleep until you’re home where I can see and feel that you’re actually okay,” Rafael told me in a more serious tone.

“I will Rafi, I promise,” I told him. “I love you.”

“Te amo,” he replied and we disconnected the call.

I pulled up Shane’s contact and hit the call button. “Rogers,” he answered in a clipped tone, I knew I’d probably woken him but he sounded completely alert.

“Shane, it’s Lexi,” I told him, my voice shaking just a little bit.

“What’s wrong Pixie?” I could hear him moving around in the background, “It’s after midnight.”

“I need a favor,” I told my brother and gave him the Reader’s Digest version of what happened with William Lewis and why I wanted him to go to Liv’s apartment to stay with her. While I talked I heard more movement and I was sure he was dressing and gathering what he needed to go to her apartment.

“I’m on it, make sure you call her once we hang up,” he instructed.

I sighed, what was with the men in my life giving me instructions like I was a small child tonight? “I am.”

“Who’s there with you?” He asked, I heart a door being opened and the beeps of a security alarm.

“There’s two DOC officers with Lewis, my head of security is in the ER with me tonight, and we have two other guards on staff tonight. Rafi is calling Fin or Nick to come over here as well,” I explained.

“Okay, stay in touch with Rafael, make sure he knows you’re okay. If anything happens call me. I’ll be at Olivia’s in ten,” he told me.

“Thanks Shane,” I said and we disconnected.

And then I dialed Liv’s number, her phone rang four times before I got a sleepy answer, “Lexi? Are you okay?”

“Liv, I’m fine. I’m just calling to let you know I have Shane coming to stay with you for now,” I said, hoping she wouldn’t get too upset when I explained why. “I have William Lewis in the prison ward here. He’s locked up and under guard, I’m just being cautious.”

“Oh,” was all she said.

“Please let Shane in when he gets there,” I pleaded with her.

“I will, thanks Lexi,” she said quietly.

Great, now I’d scared my best friend. I just didn’t want to take any chances after what he’d already put her through.

“I love you Liv, it’ll be okay,” I told her confidently, I got a quiet ‘yeah’ from her before we disconnected and I went back downstairs to my ER.

I was standing at the nurse’s station with Rosie going over the chart on a seizure patient I was admitting to the medical floor when Fin walked into the ER. Shaking my head, I looked at Rosie who was smiling ear to ear, she had a crush on him. Maybe I’d slip him her number so he could give her a call sometime.

“Hey Doc, your old man called me,” Fin grinned at his new nickname for Rafi.

“Don’t let him hear you call him that Fin,” I snickered. “He’ll have you babysitting witnesses for a month.”

Fin chuckled at that, “Don’t you worry Doc, I know better. Hey Rosie.” He nodded to her and I could swear she swooned.

Sighing I went back to writing my orders while Rosie flirted with Fin. Several hours later I was getting aggravated with him constantly following me around wherever I went in MY damn emergency room. Granted he was there at Rafael's request to make sure nothing happened just in case Lewis did what he does and went on another rampage. But come on, I felt like he was my 5 o'clock shadow. Then again if Liv's texts were any indication, she probably felt the same with Shane in her house. The last one wasn't so nice.

_Liv: If he tells me to stay in his sight one more time I'm shoving a fork in his eye._

I’d suppressed a laugh when I read that message, I was sure Shane was probably aggravating her worse than Fin was me. Fortunately, Lewis had been quiet all night, I’d gone back to check on his status hourly without any issue, with Fin in tow of course. At 7 in the morning when I was getting off shift Fin wouldn’t let me walk or take a cab, he insisted on driving me home citing my ‘old man’ would never shut up if he didn’t. I walked in the front door of the brownstone a little after 8 and found Rafael coming down the stairs into the foyer putting his cufflinks through the cuffs of his dress shirt.

When he saw me I could see him let out a breath in relief and he pulled me into him wrapping his strong arms tightly around me, “Mi alma, thank God you’re home.”

His hands were pressed over my spine, one between my shoulder blades, the other at the small of my back and he was shaking. “Rafael, how many cups of coffee have you had already?”

His nose was in my hair and I heard him take a deep breath, “More than you’re okay with. I couldn’t sleep.”

“Rafi, I’m fine,” I told him quietly, my heart was thumping in my chest at the realization of just how scared he was.

He hummed slightly, “I know mi alma, I know. All I kept seeing all night long were images of you sitting in the hospital bed last year and pictures of Liv after she was found. It really made me wish for a gun and two tickets to somewhere without extradition.”

That actually made me snicker, “Hmmm…feeling a little homicidal last night?”

Letting me go he waggled a hand in front of him as he walked into the kitchen, “Maybe a few caffeine induced homicidal thoughts.”

I followed him, “I asked Mark to keep me updated on Lewis’ status and let me know when he was sent back. I told Shane I’d call him to let him know what was going on as soon as I had any updates, I think he was getting on Liv’s nerves.”

He chuckled at that as he poured coffee into a travel mug, “Did she tell you she was going to drop him off her balcony and gleefully watch him squirm in agony on the sidewalk?”

Raising an eyebrow I widened my eyes and tried with some difficulty to hold back a laugh, “Is that what she told you? I didn’t get that one.”

Both of our phones pinged at the same time and we looked at each other before pulling them out and looking at the messages.

Raf let out a string of Spanish that I was sure were a series of curse words and I could feel my stomach drop to the floor. After I left the hospital William Lewis had convinced the DOC officer sitting with him to uncuff him so he could use the bathroom and then escaped. Finn was headed back there to try to figure out what happened and where he was.

“I have to call Shane,” I told Raf with a hand gripping his forearm. His green eyes met mine and he moved his hand to cover mine resting on his forearm while I pulled up Shane’s contact on my phone. The phone rang with no answer so I tried Liv, same result. I could feel tears in my eyes.

“Don’t panic Lexi, you don’t know anything happened,” he pulled me into his arms again and kissed the top of my head. “Your brother is one of the deadliest men living. William Lewis needs to be very afraid if he makes the mistake of going over there. They’re fine.”

I had my nose pressed into his throat above the knot of his tie, the familiar smell of his cologne was comforting, “I hope you’re right.”


	33. Beast's Demise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone finds out what happened to William Lewis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conclusion to my version of ‘Beast’s Obssession’. Small amount of smut at the end of the chapter.

Rafael called Cutter to have someone cover his arraignments that morning and we went over to the SVU squad office after I took a quick shower and changed into black yoga pants and a black t-shirt that said ‘THE POLICE NEVER THINK IT’S AS FUNNY AS YOU DO’. All I could do was pace and worry. I knew Shane was fully capable of handling any threat but it didn’t stop me from worrying. William Lewis had surprised Liv in her apartment the first time and no one knew anything for days, and she’d never been the same after those four days with him. He’d been gone from the hospital for two and a half hours by then and we hadn’t heard any news and I couldn’t understand why someone didn’t go to Liv’s apartment. I’d paced back to Amanda’s desk where Raf was sitting going through his email on his phone and he reached out a hand to grab mine before I paced away again when Fin came off the elevator.

“Damn you two are hard to find. William Lewis was shot and killed in Liv’s apartment. Liv is being taken to Bellevue ER, she asked for you. Rollins is on her way up now to take you down there, I’ll be there once the Lieutenant who’s filling in gets here,” he said with his eyes on mine.

I looked between him and Rafael before looking back to him again, his expression was serious. “Where’s Shane?”

Fin’s lips spread into a thin line and he put his hands on his hips, “He’s with Liv. Wouldn’t leave her side.”

Amanda burst from the elevator then with the worry very evident on her face, “Come on you two. Let’s go.”

Rafael stood from her desk and grabbed my hand as we rushed out of the squad down to Amanda’s car and got in. She drove to Bellevue as quickly as she could without running her lights and siren. I was in the passenger seat watching her, her left leg was bouncing a mile a minute and she had her right thumb turned up and was chewing on the side of it. I looked back to Rafael who was sitting in the middle of the backseat and though he had his chin to his chest he was still watching us under his eyelashes.

Turning back to Amanda I swallowed hard, “Amanda, is Liv okay?”

“I don’t know,” she said bringing her thumb from her mouth and dropping her hand down to her knee.

I felt Rafael’s hand on my shoulder and when I turned my head he was wearing his impassive expression but knowing him as I did I knew he was just trying to remind me his strength was mine too. Liv was like family to him as much as she was to me so I knew he was just as worried as Amanda and I were, but I also knew in his case he was going to make himself the strong one in case we broke. When we pulled in front of the ER and Amanda slowed to a near stop I jumped out of the car with Rafael yelling at me to slow down. Running inside I was greeted by Rosie at the nurse’s station with my lab coat in hand which I shrugged on, she must have retrieved it from my office once she knew I was coming in.

“We put her in isolation 2, the man with her just kept scowling at anyone who tried to get near her and scaring everyone,” Rosie told me. “She’s got blood on her face and the front of her shirt and she’s just sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the floor. There’s a police officer in there with them, said he wasn’t leaving until he could take their statements because they’re not supposed to be together? What does that mean?”

“Tall, clean-cut, gray-haired guy?” I asked her figuring it was likely Tucker, he’d been after SVU for years, Liv especially.

She nodded as I saw Amanda and Rafael coming in, “Can you take them to isolation waiting? There will probably be several others coming in for her as well.”

Walking down the hall to the isolation room where my best friend was probably locked in her own head down a rabbit hole I found Shane standing to her right side with his hand gripped tightly in hers. It looked like his hand was her lifeline and I had to hide the smile that threatened my lips. Shane caught the slight movement though and just tilted his head back and lifted an eyebrow at me. Liv was staring off into space with a blank look, blood was splattered on her face and the upper part of her aqua t-shirt. She didn’t appear to be injured physically. I was right, Ed Tucker was also in the room, standing off to the other side.

“Dr. Barba?” Tucker inquired after I’d scanned Liv.

“Yes, mind explaining what you’re doing in here with my patient?” I grabbed him by the forearm and yanked him into the hallway away from Liv and dropped my voice. “If you had one inkling whatsoever that either Liv or my brother had done anything wrong one or both of them would have come in here in cuffs. If you need anything collected from her tell me now, because I intend to make sure she is okay. Physically and mentally.”

He gave me a hard look and motioned me further away from Liv’s room, “Look, no I don’t think either of them did anything wrong. But I do have to take both of their statements before they leave. A man is dead, your brother shot him, and while I do believe it was necessary I need to know that I can mark the case justified and that the DA doesn’t need to get involved.”

I’d narrowed my eyes while he talked and pulled my lips between my teeth, “Okay. I’ll have my brother come out to give you his statement while I take care of Liv.” I stuck my finger into his chest to emphasize my next words, “But trust me Captain Tucker, if you fuck with me you’ll regret it.”

“I give you my word. Benson has been through enough, I’m not looking to make it worse,” he said seriously which surprised me.

Nodding I went back into her room and looked at Shane, I was fairly certain he would have made an effort to listen, “Did you hear that?”

He nodded and removed Liv’s hand from his giving her over to me with a silent admonition to take care of her before leaving the room and sliding the door closed. Something was going on, and I felt like it was deeper than just him saving her from Lewis. Clasping her hand I squeezed and called her name, she didn’t respond, so I started checking her over to make sure she wasn’t injured since I didn’t know what happened. I couldn’t find any physical injuries and guessed the blood on her face and shirt were Lewis’. Not wanting to leave Liv I pulled my cell phone out and sent Rosie a text asking her to bring me some wash cloths and towels as well as a t-shirt from my locker. Fortunately, where t-shirts were concerned Liv and I were the same size. A few minutes later the door slid open and Rosie handed me what I asked for.

I filled the sink in the room with warm soapy water and soaked one of the washcloths in it before I went to cleaning the blood off Liv’s face. When I was done I got her to lift her arms so I could pull her t-shirt off, fortunately the blood on her shirt didn’t get on the skin of her chest or on her bra. Shaking my head I pulled the t-shirt Rosie grabbed from my locker over her head and she pushed her arms through the sleeves, it was a gray one that said ‘I’M JUST A LIL PRINCESS WITH ANGER ISSUES.’

“I froze,” Liv said it so quietly that I barely heard her.

Those two words scared the living daylights out of me, and I knew I had to ask the one question I really didn’t want to have to ask, “Liv, do you need a rape kit?”

She shook her head so hard I thought she was going to give herself whiplash, “No! But if Shane wasn’t there he…”

I grabbed her hand and shook it as I spoke, “It’s okay Liv, he’s gone. He’ll never touch you again.”

She started to cry, big heartbreaking sobs that reminded me all too much of a time when I’d cried my heart out to Rafael. I put my arms around her and held her as best I could, my thoughts drifting to what ifs and what Lewis had done to her nearly two years ago. The more my thoughts drifted and the more she cried the more overwhelmed I got and I had to work to control my emotions to keep from crying myself.

“Jesus, fuck me,” I heard behind me. “Pixie, let me have her.”

I felt Shane’s hand on my back and I started to move away as he took her into his arms. The only way I could describe it was that she melted into him and quieted almost instantly though I could see her body still shaking.

“Are you good with Tucker?” I asked him.

His dark blue eyes watched me over her head, “Yeah, and if they come up with a problem I’m not at all worried. He said her statement can wait until she’s a little clearer headed.”

“Okay, I’m going to update everybody on her. Liv do you want to see anyone right now?” I asked her and she shook her head. “That’s fine, they’ll understand. I’m going to go write her discharge orders,” I said quietly to Shane, watching Liv’s shoulders shake. This must have been how she felt watching me last year. It was heart-wrenching to see your best friend hurting so badly.

“I can’t go back there,” Liv sat up and pushed slightly away from Shane, shaking her head adamantly.

I put my hand on her shoulder, “It’s okay Liv, there are a lot of us with extra rooms who love you that you can stay with.”

“She can stay with me,” Shane announced in a tone that brokered no argument. Liv and I looked at him like he was crazy and he shrugged keeping his eyes on hers, “It makes sense, I can work from home just as easily as from the office so someone is with you right now.”

She was shaking her head vehemently, “I can’t burden you…”

Rolling my eyes I shot Shane a serious look before leaving the room, I knew where that conversation was going. As far as Shane was concerned she was family since she was my best friend. Liv was the ‘I’m fine’ queen even when she wasn’t because she couldn’t fathom that her needs were just as important as the rest of ours. And I stopped dead in my tracks with that thought realizing I’d thought the same thing when I was recovering and still did more often than not. I’d let Shane argue with her for now and if he didn’t win the argument then Amanda and I would talk to her, both of us had spare rooms she could stay in. I certainly understood her position, she went back to her old apartment several months after Lewis kidnapped her the first time, though Brian was with her, but she didn’t stay long since she and Brian found the place she was currently in. She told me every time she went into the living room or kitchen of her old apartment she had to push down memories of Lewis. From my own experience after I was attacked in Rafael’s apartment I never could go back there, so I understood.

I went over to the isolation waiting room to find Amanda and Rafael there with Eddie sitting between them, Fin and Nick, as well as Tucker, a scruffy blond man I didn’t know, and Captain Cragen was there along with John Munch.

“Physically she’s fine, no injuries. She’s emotionally traumatized though,” I started and everyone started talking at once, they were starting to piss me off. “SHUT UP!!”

They all quieted down and looked at me and I could see a smirk playing on Rafael’s lips.

“She needs time to heal, she doesn’t need all of you acting like a bunch of mother hens. Right now she’s not ready to see anyone, I’m going to write her discharge orders, and she can go…” I started and the blonde man stepped forward.

“Her apartment is a crime scene so NYPD will put her up in a hotel,” he told me.

I put my hands on my hips and narrowed my eyes at him, “I don’t know who you are, so maybe you don’t know what it’s like to have friends who are your family. Olivia Benson has a lot of family in this room. She doesn’t need a hotel.”

“I apologize, I didn’t mean to imply she didn’t have anyone. I’m Lieutenant Declan Murphy, I’m filling in for her while she’s on mandatory leave,” the man said in a what was meant to be a soothing tone that just pissed me off more.

I huffed at him, “You do that.” I turned on my heels and walked back to the nurse’s station to write the discharge orders leaving him staring after me with a stunned expression.

Liv wound up going home with Shane, as baffled as I was I didn’t question it. She had stayed calm as long as he was there, it reminded me of the way Rafael and I calmed just by being near each other when we were stressed. Maybe something good could come of this whole fucked up mess. I’d given her some sleeping pills to help until she could get in to see Dr. Lindstrom and I knew Shane would make sure she took care of herself.

I went home and was so exhausted that I wound up falling asleep on the couch but woke up in my bed with Rafael behind me wearing his boxers and a t-shirt. He was propped up on his elbow and his other arm was snaked around my waist. Rolling to my back I stretched my legs out and looked up in to his green eyes as he lifted his hand to cup my cheek. Leaning down he kissed me tenderly and hovered there, his lips barely brushing mine.

“Are you okay?” I whispered.

His eyes closed and he shook his head, touching his forehead to mine our breath mingled while he composed himself. I suspected that what happened with Liv had shaken him up more than he was willing to admit. When his eyes opened again I could see raw need in them and I knew he needed an intimate connection to me. I pressed my lips to his and he tangled his hands in my hair as he shifted himself so that some of his weight pressed me down into the mattress and I could feel him hardening against my thigh.

Knowing this wasn’t just about orgasms or sexual satisfaction and more about intimacy and the deep connection we shared I made quick work of shedding my clothes to the floor. Rafael did the same but kept his lips on mine as much as possible until we were lying in our bed skin to skin, one of his knees in the mattress between my legs and his head resting in the valley between my breasts with his ear pressed over my heartbeat. I ran my hands through his short hair, long enough now that I could take hold of it, and caressed his upturned cheek. We’d been together for so long I could FEEL what he was thinking. Guilt for what happened to me, guilt that what happened to Liv was his fault because he couldn’t put Lewis away the first time, fear that Lewis had been close enough to touch me, shame that he felt he was using me in that moment. I grabbed a handful of his hair and tugged to bring his eyes to mine.

“I love you Rafael, I’m yours as much as you’re mine. You are not using me by needing to be connected to me in a moment of weakness,” I told him tenderly but firmly so he would understand I meant what I was telling him.

He simply nodded with his eyes still locked onto mine and raised himself up on his knees and forearms to settle between my legs. I could feel the head of his erection pressing into my soaked core as he slid into me easily. Since the first time we were together over twenty years ago the feeling of fullness when he was inside of me had always been emotionally overwhelming for me. It was an intimate connection that I had no way to accurately describe but had a way of making every stress, fear, or hurt fade away because I knew the man with me was the missing piece of my soul. Rafael had stilled over me and dropped his forehead into the crook of my neck as his breathing calmed before he started moving his hips and thrusting slowly at first. I pushed myself up into him on my hands and brought my legs up around his waist as I used my hips to match his thrusts. When I felt myself start to spasm around him and his thrusts grow erratic I reached my hands up to his hair and pulled again so he’d look into my eyes as we came together. As we rode out our mutual orgasms he brought his lips to mine and kissed me tenderly until our bodies were spent and he rolled us to our sides so we could remain connected but his weight wasn’t completely on me.

“Te amo mi alma,” he whispered in my ear as he kissed me there and held me close to him.

I smiled against his neck, the light scent of his cologne making the residual tingles running through my body even more sensual and brushed my lips over his skin, “I love you too Rafael.”

We lay there in each other’s arms, still connected, until hunger chased us out of bed and to the kitchen. He seemed calmer and more grounded but I stayed close to him and touched him as much as I could as we ate. I didn’t realize how much the last 24 hours had truly shaken him and it worried me because I rarely saw him this unsettled. While I worried for Liv’s emotional wellbeing I wasn’t as worried or as shaken because I knew Shane was with her and he’d make sure she was okay. How I knew that I wasn’t sure, but I did. Just as I’d know I’d be okay when I was hurt because I had Rafael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re wanting to know what exactly happened in Liv’s apartment, stay tuned as I will be posting a separate fic. Rafael and Lexie will remain the primary focus of this one and will continue. ;O) And as always I’m always open to any requests, suggestions, criticism. Thanks for sticking with me!


	34. Oh, That Tie...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexi contemplates a very important discussion with Rafael. Rafael wears a significant piece of clothing to court.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, it’s a sex scene kind of day. Warning…smut at the end.

It had been a month since William Lewis escaped and was killed. Liv had finally just gone back to work and she was still staying with Shane citing she couldn’t go back to her apartment now that she would only be haunted even more because Lewis had been there. She had started looking for a new place to live and Shane kept saying he had plenty of space and she could just live with him, as roommates of course. I could see Liv considering it on the few occasions I’d been around for one of those discussions. Despite her constant reassurances that she was fine I knew without a doubt that she wasn’t and I suspected that being alone after what happened with Lewis wasn’t in her best interest. I also suspected that there was something blossoming between Liv and Shane but it would probably be some time before anything really happened.

And speaking of relationships, I’d finally found out that Amanda and Eddie were a couple. She finally admitted they’d been seeing each other since just before Thanksgiving and she was happy with him. He also seemed to be very happy with her and from what Rafael told me Eddie had said exactly that to him and Shane when the subject came up during their weekly workout sessions. I was certainly appreciative of those sessions, even though Rafael was a lawyer and his job wasn’t physical he’d always kept himself tone and fit. But whatever the guys did had him developing a delicious muscle definition that I had to admit was a definite turn on. Be that as it may it was simply nice to see Rafael being more social for lack of a better way of putting it, he tended to be so focused on work that he didn’t have time for friendships. He’d made a promise to Eddie and Mrs. Garcia that he’d stay in touch more and he had, they picked up their friendship like Rafael had never been away. Really since my rape he’d made more of an effort to spend time with friends and our own version of extended family. I think between the rape and the Alex fiasco he’d realized just how closed off he’d become.

Now I just needed to find a way to bring up the subject that had been on my mind again for several months. Despite our past fertility issues I was feeling a strong desire for a child with my husband, and I needed to figure out how to broach the subject without him getting upset. We’d taken children off the table almost ten years ago after I’d miscarried for the 5th time. Rafael had offered to have a vasectomy but since we weren’t married at the time I didn’t want him doing something that would prevent him from having children if he did eventually marry someone else. So we opted to go for the birth control implant in my arm since would last four years at a time and could always be removed. Once I had it removed we could start trying to get pregnant right away. I knew it could just end in heartbreak but it had been ten years and the stresses that we were dealing with during those early pregnancies were gone. It was at least worth a discussion.

It was Friday night and I was actually scheduled off until the next Tuesday. I’d been working 24 on 24 off for the last month because we were suddenly short staffed for ER physicians. One of my residents was pregnant and had just given birth, another had a family emergency, one of the attendings had gotten married and had been away on his honeymoon, and another just up and quit citing Bellevue was too crazy for her comfort level. Fortunately the honeymooner and family emergency made it back and I was able to get two more residents transferred in from other hospitals that suddenly had too many residents. So I was finally getting some needed time off.

I’d opted to make my shepherd’s pie which was one of Rafael’s favorites and I hadn’t made it in quite some time. He had promised me that we’d have a work free evening, something we rarely did, but I really just wanted the time to relax with my husband without any interruptions or distractions. Sometimes it felt like with our jobs that we had a constant onslaught of work emergencies and stressors and it was nice to just have a night where we could focus on just us.

I knew he’d be late, he and the squad were working on a child molestation case that apparently looked more like a calculated lie to enact revenge against a husband who had cheated. When Rafael had expressed his frustration over his doubts about the truth of the story I knew there was something deeper going on than what was on the surface. Rafael had a job to do and that was prosecuting accused criminals and to get the best justice he could for victims, but he rarely expressed real doubt that a potential victim, or victim’s parent, was lying. He was pragmatic and having dealt with sexual abuse victims for so long he knew and understood that sometimes they hid truths not because they weren’t victims but in fact because they were. My husband was also a good judge of character and could see bullshit a mile away. So for him to have real doubts said something. I knew because of those doubts he was genuinely stressed, especially because there was a child involved.

It was nearing 7:30p.m. and I was taking dinner from the oven when I heard the front door. I’d already poured a scotch for him and left it on the side bar in the dining room, when I heard his chuckle I knew he’d found it. He came up behind me and I felt his arms snake around my waist. Leaning back into him I felt more than heard him take a deep breath with his nose buried in the crook of my neck. I rested my hands on his forearms that lay over my abdomen and closed my eyes, just enjoying the feeling of my husband’s strong arms around me. When he was ready I knew he’d break the silence, until then I’d let him draw whatever strength and calm he needed from me.

“I love you mi alma,” he finally whispered with a kiss to the sensitive part of my neck he knew drove me wild.

Smiling I turned my head enough that I could press my lips to his, “And I love you Rafi.”

Looking at the pie on the stove I saw his eyebrow quirk up, “Shepherd’s pie? You must really love your husband.”

I hummed, “Well, he is a good man, and it is one of his favorites.”

“I envy him, he’s a lucky man,” he chuckled, and moved away from me to pick up his scotch that he’d left on the counter behind us.

Turning I eyed his appearance. His tie was just hanging around his neck and his waistcoat was unbuttoned already, his hair disheveled like he’d been running his hands through it. I tilted my head to the side and put my hands on my hips, “Well YOU Mr. Rafael Barba are the best husband a woman could ever ask for. So I think I’m pretty damn lucky. Why don’t you go change, you look like you’ve had a rough day.”

Chuckling he set his scotch back down and pulled me back into him hard causing me to squeak like a mouse. “It’s been one of those days, yes.” He leaned down to kiss me and I melted at the feel of his lips and his body against mine. Holding me for a few minutes more he finally sighed and let me go.

I watched as he made his way up the stairs to our bedroom so he could change and realized tonight wasn’t the best night to raise the topic I had wanted to discuss with him. It wasn’t like there was a rush to the discussion but I was forty-two so in addition to our prior risks my advanced maternal age would pose a risk as well. We could wait another night to talk about it but I really needed to talk to him sooner rather than later.

When he came back down he was freshly showered and wearing a pair of black jogging shorts and one of his well-worn Harvard t-shirts. He’d always been extremely handsome, but when he was relaxed and casual as he was right then he was breathtaking. I smiled when he came right to me and wrapped his arms around me to hold me close to him and I could feel his heartbeat steady the longer he held me.

“Do you remember when you told me you wanted the intimate part of our relationship back to where it was before last year but I’d still been hesitant with certain things?” He asked with his lips in my hair.

I laughed, he was afraid his tendency to be dominant might cause an issue. I’d been reassuring him for months that despite what happened to me I knew he would never hurt me and was confidant he would stop at any time if I asked him to. “Yes Rafi, and I wish you’d stop hesitating.”

“Good.” And with that one word he bent at the knees and put his shoulder to my stomach and lifted me up. He turned and started walking to the stairwell.

“What about dinner?” I said between giggles.

“I’m an adult, I can have my dessert first,” he told me with a swat to my ass.

That just made me giggle more and caused a rush of wetness between my legs at the thought of Rafael finally giving over to some of his more dominant tendencies in the bedroom. When we got to our room he tossed me on the bed making me bounce a few times and pointed at me, “Strip.”

I did as I was told while he went into our closet to retrieve something. When he came back I had just dropped my bra to the floor and pulled the covers to the edge of the bed. He was holding the tie he had been wearing that day and pointed to the top of the bed where our pillows were. I crawled back up on the bed to lay against the pillows there and he looped his tie in the o ring he’d cleverly hidden in the headboard bookshelf before loosely tying my wrists with the tie. I could move my arms around but I couldn’t reach out to him or touch myself which was the point.

He looked at me with a very serious look on his face, “Do you remember our safeword?”

“Aardvark,” I told him with a smile.

“Are you okay?” He asked then, concern marring his handsome features then.

“Rafi, I’m fine, but if you don’t touch me soon I’m going to go crazy,” I breathed out in frustration.

Rafael smiled then and pulled off his t-shirt and dropped his shorts to the floor before he crawled up between my legs. Leaning down he placed a few kisses to various places on my body making me groan in even greater frustration because he wasn’t touching any of the places I really wanted him. With a smile he ran his tongue down the middle of my chest over my belly button and to my clit where he backed off before reaching up to tweak one of my nipples between his thumb and forefinger. He continued that slow torture for what felt like forever before he finally dropped down between my thighs and ran his tongue over my soaking wet and swollen lips and flicked my clit with the tip of his tongue. When I felt like I was just on the brink of orgasm he would stop making me stomp a foot on the bed in frustration and then he would kiss his way up my body to my breasts where he would focus on my nipples for a few minutes. He kept that up long enough to have brought me to the brink of orgasm five times before he finally gave me some relief and slid one long finger into me while his mouth played with my nipples. When I finally felt like I was going to go over the edge he removed his finger and his mouth and I growled in frustration. This was how it went when we did this, he would spend a good hour torturing me with near orgasm before he would finally let me find release. Smiling down at me he finally seemed to relent and bent to kiss me. I pressed up into him and caught him with my legs around his hips. Of course, he still had control and kept me at bay by grasping my hips and pushing them back down into the bed.

“Rafael please!” I begged him, I rarely begged and he knew when I did it was because I was at my limit.

He buried his face in the crook of my neck and while still holding my hips slid into me all the way. His thrusts were hard and fast letting me know he was at the limit of his control as well. When his hands let go of my hips I brought my legs up around his waist and every time he thrust I brought my hips up to meet his. It didn’t take long before I felt the exquisite pleasure of my orgasm building again and his thrusts became erratic signaling his was looming as well. I felt his teeth on the flesh above my collarbone as he reached his climax at the same time I felt mine hit me and we both cried each other’s names. He reached up and released one of my wrists so that I could bring my arms down around him as we rolled to our sides and rested there for a moment while our breathing and hearts slowed to normal rates.

I brought my lips to his and kissed him with a smile, “What brought that on?”

He chuckled, “Look at the tie.”

Bringing the wrist that the tie was still wrapped around down toward my face I looked at it. It was a brown tie with cornflower blue spots on it and was same tie he’d used to tie me up the last time we’d done this more than a year ago. I grinned at him, “I remember this tie.”

He rolled his eyes, “Yeah, well I didn’t until after I was already in court and happened to stand up and button my jacket. When I realized what tie I was wearing I sat back down.”

I started laughing and Rafael just looked mortified, “Come on lover boy let’s get cleaned up and go eat dinner.”

“Sounds good mi alma,” he said and gave me a kiss before getting up.

I looked at the tie again and after taking it off my wrist I draped it loosely around my neck after putting my t-shirt back on. After cleaning up and putting on the rest of my clothes I joined Rafael downstairs where he eyed the tie with a quirk of his lip. Dinner took a while to put it mildly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shameless plug - For my regular readers who may not have already seen them. I’ve posted my Liv/Shane and Amanda/Eddie fics. Liv’s is ‘We’re Fine Together’ and Amanda’s is ‘Saving a Fallen Angel.’ Also as an FYI, I may be going to a once a week posting schedule for all of my fics, meaning all updates will be posted on Sundays for them all rather than piecemeal as I complete them especially since I have this little series going now. I feel like I’ve been rushing through updates and have felt kind of scattered in my postings so I’ll try it for the next few weeks and if I change my mind will post an update on the new schedule.


	35. Love and Trying Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda talks to Lexi about Eddie, and Lexi talks to Rafael about what's been on her mind.

That Sunday Rafael and I had planned to meet Eddie and Amanda at Flannery’s for dinner at 7, they were having a special karaoke night so I knew Amanda was going to rope me into singing with her. It would be the first time we’d been out with them since they’d finally started telling people about their relationship. I was ecstatic, especially after Amanda called Saturday morning and asked me to meet her for lunch, all she would say was she wanted to talk to me about Eddie. Rafael had gone to his Saturday workout with Shane and Eddie so Amanda and I met at a diner close to her apartment.

She was already sitting in a booth looking at her phone when I walked in grinning like a fool at her.

Looking up at me she just rolled her eyes and shook her head, “Don’t start Lexi.”

“What? I didn’t say a word Amanda,” I slid into the seat across from her and picked up the menu.

“I can see it written all over your face,” she sighed and looked at her phone again. I caught a small smile while she responded to whatever the text was she’d gotten. “Eddie said Shane and Rafael are giving him a hard time for not telling them about us.”

I brought my eyes up to hers, “We’re all happy for you both Amanda. You’re good for each other.”

That made her chuckle, “Mrs. Garcia told me the same thing the night Liv was in Bellevue. I was feeling anxious and spent the night over there. After Nick laid into me about dating a criminal.” She made an air quote gesture when she said criminal.

Sighing heavily, I shook my head, “That’s sounds like Nick, always so narrow minded that he forgets everyone including him makes mistakes.”

“That’s what I told him. I mean I can’t really say what Eddie did is any different than all the times I’ve covered for Kim,” Amanda said and I noticed her eyes looked pained.

The waitress came over then and we placed our lunch and drink orders. After she walked away I looked back up to Amanda, “So what was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

She fidgeted with her phone for a minute before she looked up at me, “How did you know you were in love with Rafael?”

I blinked a few times trying to make sure I’d heard her right, “To be honest Amanda for me it really was love at first site, I knew the moment I met Rafael that I’d love him for the rest of my life. When I’m stressed just hearing his voice or being near him makes me feel better. I feel safe with him. I trust him unconditionally. Every time I look at him he makes my heart skip a beat. He’s the other half of my soul. He makes me a better woman,” I told her seriously. “Any one of those things. How would you feel if Eddie suddenly dropped out of your life right now?”

“Devastated, like I’d lost my best friend,” she answered immediately and her eyes held mine.

“And how do you feel when you’re with him?” I asked her and watched her expression.

Her eyes lit up as she thought about that, “He makes me feel like I’m the only woman in the world.”

I bounced my shoulders and smiled at her, “Well, that should tell you something right there Amanda.”

“But I fuck up every relationship I have Lexi,” she quietly told me, concern evident in her expression, “I don’t know how to be in love and be normal.”

“Don’t hide anything from him Amanda, just be honest and believe in him. Eddie is a good man, he’s loyal, he’ll never hurt you, at least not intentionally. His biggest fault is his blind loyalty so don’t take advantage of that,” I explained and her eyes jumped up to mine.

“I won’t, I don’t want to hurt him. I just can’t seem to stop screwing up.” Amanda looked away from our table and out the window.

“Talk to him Amanda, keep talking to him, and when you’re feeling out of control…” I gave her a pointed look and she rolled her eyes, “…really talk to him.”

She was nodding her head, “Yeah, copy that.”

The waitress brought our food then and we ate while we talked then she dropped me off at home and headed over to Eddie’s apartment. When I walked into the foyer Rafael was coming down the stairs in khaki shorts and a burgundy t-shirt with his hair wet from a recent shower.

“Mi alma, how was lunch with Amanda?” He smiled and walked over to me dropping a kiss on my upturned lips.

“Good, she wanted to know how I knew I was in love with you. Pretty sure she’s in love with Eddie,” I told him and followed him to the couch after looping my purse over the end of the stairwell railing.

He chuckled, “I hope so because he’s definitely in love with her.”

We sat on the couch and I curled into him, “I love you so much Rafael.”

I felt his lips on top of my head and his arm came around my shoulder so he could pull me into him, “I love you too mi alma. What’s wrong? I can tell something is eating at you.”

Sighing I decided to tell him what had been on my mind, “I want to try again.”

“Try what Hermosa? The tie?” He asked with a chuckle.

I smiled, “That does sound good, but not the direction I was going. I mean I want to have the implant taken out and try for a baby one more time.”

He stilled next to me and I could feel his muscles tense, “Lexi, we took children off the table ten years ago. For good reason.”

Sitting up I looked into his troubled green eyes, “I know that Rafael. Please hear me out?” I pleaded, he motioned his hands for me to continue and his expression softened. “I love you so much, we wanted every one of the children we lost and I know how devastated we both were with each miscarriage. But the stresses we had back then are gone, time has passed, my body has had ample time to heal. Now that we’re married I really want to try one more time, if we never get pregnant, or we miscarry then we’re done and I’m fine with that.”

He had taken my hand while I talked and I could feel his thumb running circles over the back of it. I wasn’t sure if it was to comfort me or him, but as always our being near each other kept us both calm. One thing throughout our relationship we’d never had trouble with, knock on wood, was fighting. We talked through issues and rarely got genuinely mad at each other so we’d had very few fights. I had enough respect for him and vice versa that when we needed time or space during or after a discussion we gave it to each other.

It took some time before he responded to me, I could see him turning things over in his head. “Lexi, you know the biggest issue I have with this is seeing you devastated. I’ve always wanted to have a child with you, I’ve never hidden that, but after the last miscarriage I just couldn’t stand seeing you hurt again. That’s my biggest fear.”

I nodded, “I know, and believe me I’ve thought about what we went through, I’ve considered what could happen. I know my age is a factor. If you say no I’ll accept it, but Rafi I wouldn’t be suggesting this if I hadn’t considered it and decided they were risks I was willing to accept.”

Rafael was quiet again for a minute before he squeezed my hand and looked back into my eyes, “I can’t say yes or no right now mi alma. Before we even consider this I’d want to talk to your doctor, find out the risks, see if it’s even medically advisable to consider again. I know you’re a doctor Lexi, but this isn’t your area of expertise.”

He was being reasonable and I certainly couldn’t disagree with him, “Okay Rafi. I’ll make an appointment with Dr. Markham and let you know when it is so you can be there with me.”

“Okay mi alma,” he pulled me into him and kissed me hard.

I smiled against his lips, “If nothing else Rafi we get lots more practice at making babies.”

Kissing me again he shook his head slightly, “I don’t know which of us is more insatiable, I’m not sure how much more practice we could actually get in.”

Moving to straddle him I grinned down at him and he raised an eyebrow, “Well there’s always right now.”

**Rafael’s POV**

I still wasn’t entirely sure how I felt about trying to get pregnant again, and I probably wouldn’t until we’d talked to Dr. Markham. The last miscarriage was ten years ago and I remembered it like it was yesterday. Lexi’s pregnancy had seemed healthy, she got further along than the earlier ones, to 13 weeks. When the bleeding started we were in my apartment, she had been in the kitchen cooking and I was in the living room working on a case file. I heard her drop a pan and cry out and when I ran into the kitchen she was standing there with blood running down her legs. What I’d failed to tell Lexi during our discussion the day before was that I didn’t know how I would handle it if she had to go through that again. I guess I didn’t know how I was going to handle the entire situation. We’d never planned any of the prior pregnancies, this would be the first if we went through with it. Despite my apprehension, I was actually a little hopeful Dr. Markham would have good news for us.

When we got to Flannery’s Sunday evening Eddie and Amanda weren’t there yet so Lexi and I took a booth to the side of the stage where they were doing the karaoke. Since Eddie didn’t drink I opted not to either that evening and ordered a coke along with one for Eddie, Lexi opted to order a pitcher of beer knowing Amanda would share it with her. Amanda and Eddie walked in shortly after we ordered our drinks holding hands, and both of them were smiling as they made their way to us and sat down.

We opted to order appetizers to share and the girls jumped up to look at their choices for karaoke once we placed our orders with the waitress. I watched them walk over to the machine, heads huddled together laughing, and I couldn’t help but smile. Looking across the table at Eddie he was watching them and smiling as well.

“They’re out of their minds,” I said with a laugh.

He nodded, “Yeah, I’m just glad to see Amanda relaxed.”

“She’s always been high strung,” I told him, and watched him tracking her much like I did Lexi.

His eyes shifted back to me, “She trusts too easy then blames herself for everything out of her control. I know how that feels.”

I knew he was talking about Alex to an extent as well as Amanda’s sister and gambling problem, “Something happen?”

“Naw hermano, she’s just always worried she’s going to do something to make me leave,” Eddie explained.

Chuckling I picked up my soda and took a drink, “She hasn’t figured out yet that she’d have to be the one to leave?”

He rolled his eyes and looked her way, she smiled and waved at him, “She’s never going to figure that out. What’s up with you hermano?”

Turning back to look at him I paused until I remembered that while Eddie might not be as smart as I was he was intelligent and pretty intuitive. “Ah, Lexi told me today she wants to try getting pregnant again.”

His eyes widened at that revelation, “Wow, I thought after the last miscarriage you guys decided it wasn’t a good idea.”

“We had, but she’s apparently had a change of heart,” I told him and watched Lexi and Amanda laughing at something on the karaoke machine.

Eddie tapped his knuckles on the table, “It’s been ten years Rafi, maybe this time would be different.”

I smiled and as I watched Lexi I thought about a little girl with my tan skin, and her blonde hair and blue eyes. Well I could certainly hope and suddenly I was actually looking forward to that doctor’s appointment.


	36. UPDATE

I know several people have asked if I am continuing this fic. There hadn't been a lot of interest in it and I lost motivation. But I will work on chapters to close out the storyline so it's not just hanging out there unfinished. It might take me some time to get through it but I will. If you're interested and still reading thank you! :)


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